Chapter Fourteen: Time Is Short
Now don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever
But the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money
Won't let another moment by
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Sitting in the sand, staring out across the lake, the wind was harsh and cold. It dried my tears before they had time to fall. We had a month left. One. Single. Month. The weight of it was starting to crash down on me. He didn't want to go to Hell. He was finally willing to fight but there was nothing we could do. Sam would be dead if we tried to smuggle him out of the deal. And to lose Sam would be just as hard. Dean wouldn't allow it. I had to abide by his wishes. I would do whatever he asked of me. Anything. But the promise I had made him to be happy. To try and be happy after he was gone. It looked impossible.
Soon there was the sound of steps and Dean sat next to me in the sand. He didn't say anything. He simply took my hand in his, squeezing it tightly. I rested my head on his shoulder, leaning against him. I put my other hand around his arm, feeling his muscles tense. Without words we had just told each other everything. I shut my eyes and listed to the wind and the water. To his breathing and the feel of his warmth against me.
After some time he finally broke the silence, "You're cold."
"Yeah." I replied softly.
"Come on." He said and stood, stepping in front of me.
I smiled and took his outstretched hands. He pulled me to my feet, his arm wrapping around my waist as we walked back to the Impala. Sam looked at me sadly. I just nodded at him. He sighed and gently rubbed my back as we opened the doors.
It was a quiet drive as we headed back on the road. We didn't have a destination in mind. Just the road and wherever we ended up stopping. I wanted to say something. Something to break the silence. But nothing I thought of sounded good enough to say out loud.
"You know what we haven't done in a while?" Dean said quietly.
"What?" I smiled at him.
"A night of beer and karaoke." He said with a mischievous smile on his face.
I laughed and grinned at him. "I'm up for it if you are."
"Sammy?" Dean asked.
"Let's do it." He smiled.
I couldn't help but laugh. A genuine laugh. Something that didn't happen as often as I liked these days. There was actually a small sense of excitement as we drove. Dean gave me his hand and I once again held it, moving my fingers back and forth along his forearm. For the moment I was content. Just being near him. Just to be able to touch him. I found myself staring at him. Unable to help myself. He seemed to be concentrating, only catching me a few times, even though I never looked away from him. Time was slipping away. I would cherish our time together. Memorize every moment so I could recall it any time I wanted. So I wouldn't be able to forget him. Even though that would be impossible.
"Oh my God. If she sings one more song I think I'll be grateful to go to Hell." Dean frowned as the same woman stumbled back on stage.
I smiled but the joke was anything but funny. But I wanted to make the most of this. It would more than likely be the last release we would have before the end came. Before we would have to say goodbye.
"Please, save us from this misery." Dean said kissing my hair as I he gave me a gentle shove.
Smiling, I winked at him and made my way up. I would play along for now. As happy as I wanted this to be it was harder to fake. I managed to get the mostly drunk woman off the stage and took the mic. First I belted out to Hold on Loosely. Next, to Tainted Love. I left the mic then. People moved on and off the stage. Dean and Sam made their rounds. We were having fun. Beer after beer. Song after song. It was just another night of drinking and karaoke. Yet, at the same time, I couldn't help but feel a wave of depression when the talking stopped or the music slowed. I was perfectly buzzed when I stood and went to the stage. Dean and Sam had been in the middle of a conversation when I stood, not even saying anything. I pulled a stool up to the mic as the lights dimmed. I wasn't sure what I was doing but I couldn't help myself. There was something I needed to say and words weren't doing the trick so maybe lyrics might be able to do it. There were plenty of songs that would say things in a way that I couldn't. But I was motivated now and I was going to go with it.
Clearing my throat I opened with I Don't Want to Miss a Thing. The room was quiet when I was done. The song alone held enough meaning to the average person. But, looking at Dean, it meant more than I could say. Even the first line, "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing." There was more truth there than anyone would know. "Every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure." But who needs to go on. Everyone knows the song.
After that I sang Beautiful Disaster. "He's as damned as he seems. But more heaven then a heart could hold. And if I try to save him. My whole world would cave in. It just ain't right. Lord, it just ain't right." What's more true than that. I cried through the whole song. Managing to get through it by will alone. Again, the room was quiet, but I wasn't done yet. Just one more. One more to end the night.
Angels on the Moon. It would have been easier if it had been sudden. If I hadn't known that the end was near. But here I was, singing about knowing about dying. Only it was true. I knew he was dying. He knew he was dying. We all knew it. But it was staring at us and this was one way to let him know how I was feeling. How I felt about him leaving. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't live with it. I just had to face the fact that he would be gone and I would be here. Left to live without him for the rest of my life. These songs would be sung over and over again. More than likely by me from time to time. Something sad to remember what I should have had. But now I was sitting and singing, staring at my dying fiancé and for a moment I was okay. For a moment I was okay with what was happening. Okay with the fact that this was probably the last time I sang to him. The last time we drank and did the karaoke thing. It felt like the last time for a lot of things. I wasn't sure how to deal with it but, for now, it was okay.
And this is to one last day in the shadow
And to know a brothers love
This is to New York City Angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us
To all of us
So don't tell me if I'm dying
'Cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming
Of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know
Never leaves to soon
You can tell me all your thoughts
About the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to
When no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends
'Cause I just don't wanna know
No I don't wanna know
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
But I know…it's staring me in the face. Those hazel eyes watching me as a tear falls from them. Death is staring me in the face and I can't ignore it. I can't fight it. It's knocking at the door and soon, too soon, I'm gonna have to answer…