Chapter Sixteen: Waiting for the End
'Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass
Glued to the table
No one can find the rewind
But girl, cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Ooooh, just breathe
"That is so fucking true." I told myself softly as I stirred the cup of coffee in front of me.
The diner was quiet and it really was almost two in the morning. It was slightly ironic. I was pondering it when Sam reappeared at my side. He slid a couple more books over to me. Opening them I started reading for anything that might help Dean. I was exhausted. Dean had finally fallen asleep and now it was mine and Sam's turn to pull the extra weight. Wishing…praying…for the tiniest amount of luck. For the tiniest amount of hope.
"Anything?" Sam asked as four in the morning rolled around.
"Nope." I said and slammed the book I was looking at shut. "We're gonna have to give it up soon. Dean will be waking up and I want to get at least an hour or two of sleep."
"Okay. I'll be in in a bit." He said as he opened another book.
I thought about arguing with him. Making him come to bed. But I didn't have it in me. Instead I nodded and kissed his head. "Don't be too long."
He smiled and kissed my cheek before turning serious as he looked back at the book. I sighed and ran my hand down the back of his head before walking back across the street to the room.
When I walked in Dean was sleeping soundly. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Glancing up at my reflection I noted the dark rings that were finding a home underneath my eyes. The fact that my cheekbones were starting to become more prominent. It occurred to me that I couldn't remember the last time I ate. Dean was always eating things but my appetite had been horrible. Nothing sounded good and nothing ever felt good in my stomach. Nothing but coffee and alcohol. But I couldn't turn to the bottle now. Afterward I had every intention of it. Maybe take up some sort of hallucinogen. Anything to make myself feel close to him after he's gone. I felt the overwhelming power of emotions flow over me. I braced myself on the counter as my body began to shake. Falling to my knees, I covered my mouth as the sobs tried to rip through my lips. The tears were hot against my cheeks as I shut my eyes as tight as I could, trying to hold it all in. But it wanted to come out and so I would let it.
It wasn't until I heard the door open in the other room that I silenced myself. My stomach dropped when the footsteps came closer and then the door creaked open. I tried to wipe the tears away but it was no use. Only it was Sam's head that peaked through the door. His eyes fell on me on the floor. His expression immediately softened and he slipped inside, closing the door behind him. The tears started again and I just shook my head at him. He sat next to me, pulling me into his lap. I turned into him, soaking his shirt with my tears. He stroked the back of my head, but never said a word. He just let me cry. When they finally stopped I leaned away from him. But when I looked up at him he didn't look much better than me. I wiped the tears from his face and kissed his forehead. He gently moved the hair that was stuck to my face.
"I'll take care of you. You know that, right?" He said gently.
"Yeah." I replied with difficulty. "If it comes to that." He nodded and gently rubbed my back. "Finally come to terms?" I asked him.
"No." He replied and gave me a small smile. "I'll find a way." I nodded and rested my head against him. "Come on, let's get to bed."
I nodded again as he helped me to my feet. Walking into the other room I took my place next to Dean. I barely had to move next to him as he unconsciously put an arm around me. I nestled against his chest before closing my eyes. I fell asleep almost instantly. It would have been peaceful if nightmares hadn't plagued it.
When my eyes finally opened they felt swollen. It felt like they were caked shut with left over tears and heavy sleep. I wiped them clear and looked around the room. Sam and Dean were packing. Both looked serious and there was a definite tension in the air. I frowned and sat up.
"Morning, Sleeping Beauty." Dean said looking at me. "I tried waking you up but you were really out."
"Yeah. Sorry." I said groggily and looked away from him.
"Don't be. I'm glad you finally got some sleep." He replied.
"Do I have time for a shower?" I asked him.
"Of course." He nodded.
I nodded back and quickly got off the bed, moving into the bathroom. I shut the door, leaning against it as I took a deep breath.
"What's going on, Sam?" I heard Dean ask his brother.
"What do you mean?" Sam replied.
"What's wrong with her?"
"Do you really need me to answer that, Dean?"
"Something's off."
"Of course it's off. You're dying. It's almost here. Were you expecting her to act normal till the end? The weight of it all is falling on her."
There was a long pause.
"You remember what I told you right?" Dean asked. "What I asked of you?"
"Of course."
It was quiet after that. I sighed and started to undress, turning the shower on. The water felt so good against my skin. I took a longer shower then what was probably necessary but it felt too good to get out of. I needed to take just a little bit of time to gather myself. I hated things like this. Like I was tiptoeing around him. Looking at him like he was already dead. But he had to understand that this was killing me. There was no other way to put it. I was slowly dying each and every day. He was too. I knew that. But it was still hard not to be selfish and self-centered about it. Thinking of what it was doing to me and not what it was doing to him. I knew it was hard for him. I knew how he felt about it. Knew what he wanted for me after. Knew what he wished for me. I almost wished it too. A way to end the misery. The misery I swore I could already feel.
"You're quiet." Dean stated when we were on the road.
"Yeah, sorry. I didn't sleep well last night." I told him.
"You were sleeping pretty hard." He said with furrowed brows.
"Yeah, well, my nightmares don't make any amount of sleep easy." I told him.
"Still?" He said frowning harder.
"I don't think they're going to stop any time soon." I said putting my hand on his arm.
He sighed and took my hand in his. Bringing it up to place a kiss on top of it. It was a silent apology. I smiled at him and squeezed his hand. I didn't blame him anymore. It didn't matter how we got here. It was what we did with the future that mattered. It was freeing him. Either that or bringing him back.
"You haven't been sketching much lately." He said a few minutes later.
"I'm with you all the time. Why are you asking me like I haven't been around?" I asked him gently.
"Because you haven't." He replied. I frowned at him, confused. "You're here but you're not here anymore. You're someplace else all the time. I know it's getting close. We'll figure something out. But I need you be with me. Not just being."
"I'm sorry. I'll try and be more present." I told him.
"Thank you." He said leaning toward me. I met him halfway, kissing him deeply.
"And that's not true. I've been sketching quite a bit lately." I told him.
"When?" He asked.
"You're usually asleep. I don't sleep much these days so I do other things." I told him.
"You haven't shown me any."
"That's because you won't want to see them. They're not very pleasant. Most are taken from my nightmares. I ponder them too much but they encompass quite a bit of my thoughts lately."
"So I'm dead in all of them?" He asked softly.
"Most. Yes." I told him honestly. "In the process of if not already."
"I wish I could stop them." He told me sadly.
"I look at it as a way of my body preparing myself." I told him coolly.
"Is it working?"
"No." I told him with a small smile. "I'm still waiting for a break."
"We'll find one." Sam piped up from the back.
It was as if his word was final. He said we would find a way and we would. He said we'd find a break and it better happen. Sam seemed to have stepped into the alpha position and he was going to take it to the end. He was going to save his brother and there was no swaying him. I felt guilty for not having the same level of faith as him. I was making myself ready to watch Dean die. Sam was making himself ready to save him. Two side of the puzzle. The ying to my yang. But together we would get it done. Whether through wishful thinking or practical.
Soon we passed the sign for Erie, Pennsylvania. A string of weird attacks. People disappearing, only to reappear with missing body parts. Not just the parts though. Organs were being taken out of the living and then released. A man showed up at the hospital. An incision in his chest. He died. Another was in the hospital with his kidney taken from him. It was worth looking into. Worth more than I thought.
"Hold up a second." Sam told me quickly as we headed toward the room. We had been questioning and viewing all day long. I stopped and frowned at him. I was tired but he had a tone that worried me. "I think I know who this is." He told me.
"Okay?" I said crossing my arms.
"Doc Benton." Sam said quietly.
I frowned as my mind tried to place where I knew that name from. Sam waited and when it dawned on me I couldn't help the sharp intake of breath.
"Yeah." He said nodding.
I couldn't help but smile. Doc Benton has been around far longer than the average human. He's been known for his thievery of live tissue. He abandoned his medical practice in 1816 and succeeded in finding the key to eternal life through alchemy, though he has to replace body parts whenever they wear out or get damaged. The mere thought of it was almost enough to lift my spirits. But as quickly as it came it went away. I sighed and shook my head.
"He'll never go for it." I told him.
"Why not?" Sam said with furrowed brows.
"Do you think he'll really want to spend his life taking pieces from other people? Having to become someone completely different? He'll lose himself." I told him.
"But he'll be alive. We just need to buy some time because we're running out of it." He told me.
I looked at him. My mind rushing through the pros and cons. What it would mean to try and convince Dean of this. To try and support him when he figures it out. He will figure it out and I was positive it would not go over well.
"Then let me do the talking." Sam told me. "You'll give in to his wishes way quicker than I will."
Looking at him, he was completely serious. He wanted me to step aside. I was waiting for this. Waiting for him to finally ask me to back down. Leave it to him. Leave it to him to save his brother. Somehow he knew I wouldn't be able to do it. Wouldn't be able to keep myself together long enough to complete our personal mission. And I didn't blame him. I couldn't even argue with him. He was right. He seemed to be the one pulling through. I was letting Dean down. Nodding at Sam I wiped the tears that were brimming in my eyes.
"Hey, you're not letting him down." He told me gently.
"I didn't say anything." I told him with a small laugh.
"You don't have to." He told me and kissed my forehead. "It's written all over your face."
"Great." I said wiping the tears away.
"Get some air. I'll go take care of our pain in the ass." He smiled.
"Okay." I said nodding again, crossing my arms.
He smiled and put his hand on my face briefly before turning to the room. I turned to the car, sliding into its hood. Taking a series of deep breaths I tried to not put too much stock in Sam's idea. But if Dean accepted his proposal then I could rest for once. It would be such a relief. But I knew better when Dean came storming out a short while later.
"I take it you didn't go for Sam's plan." I stated when I heard his footsteps get closer.
"You knew I wouldn't." He said leaning against the car next to me.
"Yeah. I did." I said disappointedly.
"It's cheating. And I wouldn't be me in the end." He told me.
"I know." I said as the tears returned. "But at least I'd be able to keep you for at least a little while longer." I told him and gave a halfhearted shrug.
"Awe, Evy." He said pulling me into him.
I buried my face in his shoulder and started to cry. He held me against him so tight I almost couldn't breathe.
"You'd think I wouldn't have any tears left to cry." I mumbled against his shoulder.
He released me, resting his forehead against mine. Putting my hands on his face I could feel the wetness on his cheeks. This just brought on more tears as he kissed me passionately. As we kissed my tears subsided. Every time he kissed me I could forget. It was just me and him. But when he stopped and pulled me into a tight hug again it all came back. Only he was starting to fall apart too. We have three weeks left together. Not long enough. I gazed into his eyes, feeling everything, when there was a vibration against my thigh. I frowned and looked down as he pulled his phone out.
"What've you got, Bobby?" Dean asked.
I waited as patiently as I could while Dean talked to him. Names were being thrown around. Rufus. Bela. Johnny Walker Blue. The Colt.
"What was that all about?" I asked when he finally hung up.
"We know how to find Bela." He told me. "Bobby has a friend who saw her. He'll know where she is."
"No way?" I asked. It was a small piece of good news. A small wave of hope and relief moved through me.
He smiled and kissed me again before turning back to the room. I followed closely behind him.
"Sam, we gotta go." Dean told his brother.
"Why?" Sam frowned.
"Bobby called. We know how to find Bela." Dean explained as he started to pack.
"I'm not going." Sam told him.
"What?" Dean frowned.
"I'm not going. I think there is something to this." He told him.
"Sam, come on. We know how to find Bela. We can get the Colt back, track down who has my contract, and kill them." Dean countered.
"What if we can't find them? This is our best option right now."
"I'm not doing it. I'm going."
"I'm staying."
I stood in between them. There was a rift forming. They both thought they were right. They both thought they were doing what was best. For all I knew they both were right. Both right in one staying and one going. To round out both options. But if we got the Colt back, we might be able to kill the hellhounds when they came for him.
"I'm going with you." I said taking Dean's hand.
"Evy…" Sam said looking at me.
"What, Sammy?" I asked shaking my head. "I'm sorry. But the plan has been to find the Colt. To find the demon who holds his contract to-"
"But we don't even know who holds it." Sam interrupted.
"Sam. Please." I told him. "Don't do this right now. We're all trying to do the same thing. We can't start fighting amongst ourselves."
They both sighed and looked at each other.
"What's it gonna be?" Dean asked him.
"I'm staying." Sam told him.
"Fine." Dean said as he stuffed his things into his bag.
"Give me ten minutes." I told him as I started to pack.
The car was quiet as we drove. We were headed to Canaan, Vermont. Bobby's friend Rufus Turner, a hunter and a hermit, got a hit on Bela. He sold a variety of things. Bela had come around wanting to buy some things. He recognized her after Bobby had asked him to keep an eye out for her. He had called Bobby and now we were on our way to see him. Bobby told Dean to bring a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue. He wouldn't give us the time of day without it.
I wasn't one hundred percent sure about this Rufus Turner. My fears seemed to be confirmed when we got to his house. It was locked down. There were cameras and an intercom system. He didn't want to be caught unguarded. Made me wonder what he was hiding from. Dean knocked on the door as I glanced up and down the block. It seemed quiet enough but that never meant anything. Dean and Rufus bantered a little before he opened the door. Like Bobby had said, once Dean showed him the bottle of liquor, he opened the door up for us. As I was about to walk in my phone rang. I looked at it before nodding at Dean, walking back down the steps.
"What've you got?" I asked Sam as I paced in front of the house.
"It's definitely him. Which we already knew." He told me.
"You sound like you're stalling." I frowned into the phone.
"I think this is gonna work. I just don't want to get your hopes up." He told me sadly.
"It's not gonna happen." I told him. "I'm well aware of our chances here."
"But what if it does work?" Sam asked, hope back in his voice. "What if we can figure out the doctor's formula? We'll get to keep him after all." Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't say anything to him. "You two getting anything there?"
"Just got here. Dean's inside talking to him now." I told him.
"I hope you find her. But do you honestly think she'll still have the Colt on her?" Sam asked.
"No." I told him.
"Really?" Sam said slightly surprised.
"Really. I honestly don't think she does. I just hope she knows where it is. If we can get to it in time it would still be helpful. I just hope it'll be enough to kill the hounds before they hurt Dean." I replied.
"I hope so too." Sam said sadly.
"There isn't much hope…is there?" I said quietly.
"There's always hope." Sam told me. I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Thank you, Sam." I smiled.
"Just remember, I'm always here for you, Evy." He told me, serious again.
"Don't worry. I'll never forget that." I replied. I knew it to be true. Whether or not I let him in was another story.
Dean's face was hard. He was mentally preparing himself for what he might have to do. I wasn't going to have to worry about it. I wouldn't hesitate to take her out. In my lap was a file. It contained Bela's history. Just about everything there was to know about her was inside it. I had read and reread it. We were on our way to her hotel. It took only a few minutes to get there. We sweet-talked the front desk worker and got a key for room 39. It appeared that Bela was gone. Night had fallen and the room was dark. We were in the room only a few minutes when the door clicked and Bela came in. As soon as she turned on the lights Dean had her against the wall.
"Where's the colt?" Dean asked her.
"Dean." Bela smiled at him.
"Just answer the question." I shot at her.
"Evy." She grinned at me.
"No extra words." Dean told her.
"It's long gone. Across the world by now." Bela told him.
"You're lying." I stated.
"I'll call the buyer. Speak Farsi?" Dean moved his hands behind her. She acted offended. Like he would really be looking for anything physical from him. "What the hell are you-?"
Dean held up the gun to her before handing it to me. "Don't flatter yourself." He told her. "Don't move." He held her at gun point as the two of us started to search the room.
"I told you, I don't have it." Bela told us.
I glared at her, Dean did the same as he shot at her, "Oh, yeah, I'm definitely gonna take your word for it."
With our attention somewhere else, Bela moved slowly toward the door. Dean looked at her, shooting a hole in the door as she reached for the handle.
"Don't move." He repeated.
Dean and I continued to search the room. I couldn't describe my dismay when we came up empty handed.
"It's not here." I said softly to Dean. I could feel the pain written on my face.
"It's gone. Get on a plane if you must. Track down the buyer. You might catch up to him, eventually." Bela told us.
Dean walked over to her, his gun pointed at her chest.
"Are you going to kill me?" She asked him.
"Oh, yeah." He told her coldly.
There was a sense of satisfaction in the idea of ending her.
"You're not the cold blooded type." Bela told him.
"But I am." I shot at her.
"You mean, like you? It's true. See, I couldn't imagine killing my parents." Dean shot at her.
Bela smiled at him. "I don't know what you're-"
"Yes, you do. You were, what, 14? Your folks die in some shady car accident, police suspected a slashed brake line but it was all too crispy to tell. Cut to little Bela- I'm sorry. Abbie. -inheriting millions.
"How did you even-?" Bela started.
"It doesn't matter." Dean told her.
"How could you do it?" I asked her.
"They were lovely people. And I killed them. And I got rich. And I can't be bothered to give a damn. Just like I don't care what happens to you."
Dean shoved her against the door. Pure revulsion on his face.
"You make me sick." He told her.
"Likewise." Bela replied.
He took a step back, ready to shoot her, when he didn't.
"Baby, do it." I told him.
He glanced at me before looking back at Bela. "You're not worth it." He told her before shoving her away from the door.
He motioned for me to leave. I paused momentarily before sighing, walking out of the room. He followed me out, walking directly behind me as we left the hotel. We were quiet until we were safe inside the Impala.
"Why didn't you shoot her?" I asked him coldly. "It was the least we could do for her."
"No." He told me.
"Why not?" I asked him, shaking my head.
"There was Devil's Shoestring above the door." He said finally looking at me.
My frowned faded and I nodded. "Makes sense actually." I told him.
"Yeah." He said sadly.
"You almost sound sorry for her." I pointed out. He was quiet for a long time. "Dean?"
"I'm screwed." He said and looked at me.
All my anger disappeared as I looked at him. He looked defeated. The plan we thought had the best chance of succeeding had hit a brick wall. And with just under three weeks left there was no time to try and find the buyer. The Colt was lost. What more could we do?
"Oh, baby…" I said putting my hand on the back of his head, stroking it. "We'll figure something out."
He smiled at me, nodding, before he started the engine. We headed back to Sam. I only hoped that he found Benton's book and that Dean still had a chance. If this fell through there was a good chance I would lose him forever.
Dean called Sam to fill him in on what happened. I tried to pay attention but it was twice as depressing the second time around. It wasn't until Dean kept repeating Sam's name that I finally paid attention.
"What is it?" I asked him.
"Something happened to Sam." Dean stated and put the pedal to the floor.
We raced back to Erie, finding Sam's phone on the floor of the room. It looked like there had been a small struggle before he was taken.
"Dean." I said looking at him.
"I know." He said and rushed from the room.
We found Benton in a small cabin. He used the basement for his surgeries. We snuck through before going downstairs to see Benton about to cut into Sam. Dean rushed for the doctor. Fighting him as I went for Sam.
"Sam." I said my tone scolding.
"Shut up and untie me." He said as I unbuckled his bindings.
When we turned to Dean the doctor was passed out on the floor.
"Nicely done." I smiled at him.
"Thank you."
"Dean." Sam said looking at his brother.
"You okay?" He asked his brother.
"Yeah. But the formula. It's science, Dean. It's not black magic or anything. Just science." He smiled.
"Doesn't make a difference, Sam. I'm not becoming like him." Dean told him.
"Let's just talk about this." Sam frowned.
"Dean…" I said looking at him. "Please, just consider this. We don't know what else to do."
Dean looked at both of us like we had lost our minds. "You guys…no." He told us again.
"Baby, please." I said with tears in my eyes.
"Evy, no." He repeated. "We'll think of something else. But I'm going to be like him."
There was no arguing. His mind was made up. It hurt like hell but I couldn't blame him. No matter how much I wanted to argue with him. No matter how much I wished he would just do it. For me. For his brother. For the world. In the end we dug a hole and buried the Doc in a chained refrigerator, his book along with him. It was hard to hear him screaming as we buried him alive. Knowing that we could use the knowledge he had.
"Well, if it comes to it, as least we'll know where he is." Dean told us.
"So funny." I told him turning to the car.
"I think I pissed her off." I heard Dean tell Sam.
Sam didn't say anything but fell in step next to me. I looked at him and smiled as I took his hand. He pulled me against his side and kissed my hair. It was going to be just the two of us soon. Might as well get used to the idea while I could still glare at Dean.
"I was kidding." Dean said as he followed us to the car.
"No you weren't." I said slipping into the back seat.
"Are we gonna talk about this?" Dean asked as he got behind the wheel.
"What's there to talk about?" I said coolly. "We found a way to probably save you, after our initial plan fell through, and you refused. Whatever." I said and looked out the window.
He sighed and started the car. He kept his eyes on the clock before he opened his cell and made a call. I frowned at him. Wondering who the heck he would be calling right now. But that question was answered for me when he started talking. It was Bela. Anger seeped into me as I listened to him. He informed her of what we had found out. She had made a crossroads deal and was scheduled to go downstairs tonight. It was the only happy thought I had. She even had the nerve to ask for help. He shot her down. She had stolen the Colt in attempts to buy her soul back. The Colt and they wanted her to kill Sam. She failed and now she was going to Hell. I grinned at the small fantasy of her rotting in Hell went through my head. But then Dean said Lilith's name. My head shot towards him. Lilith. It was going to end with Lilith. When he hung up he confirmed it. Lilith, who had killed so many, was the one who held Dean's contract. According to Bela she held every contract. It was the break we needed. We had the name we had been searching for. Our chances of saving Dean were now greater than before. It felt like we almost had a chance now. Almost. But something told me almost wasn't going to be good enough.