Happy Holidays! We hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with your loved ones.

Thank you to AshesAshes for the recommendation we chose for the chapter song. "Near to You" by A Fine Frenzy The pictease is NSFW but it's rather fitting. FFn is not allowing me to link them, even replacing the . with a *, so PM me if you want to see them or go to FB or Tumblr.

Thank you to our betas, karenec, LJSummers, AshesAshes, and jakeward for their ever-faithful guidance and support.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Twenty-One: Perspective

After I left Edward's apartment, a sudden wave of guilt washed over me. Because of Renee's nagging at dinner and my frustration with Riley, I had turned to Edward to make me feel better, but I felt terrible for using him that way. What was wrong with me? How could I keep doing this to him? Why was it so hard for me to just stay away? He had offered to be patient and support me while I tried to pull myself together, but I couldn't keep doing this. If I continued on, clinging to Riley and seeing Edward, I was going to hurt all three of us.

It wasn't fair to either of them. They both deserved better than that.

I had genuinely wanted to be with Edward and at the time, it had seemed like such a good idea. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I'd let my hurt and disappointment push me to sleep with Edward. He'd enjoyed it, but that wasn't the point. I'd used him.

I drove home feeling melancholy and disappointed in myself, the earlier euphoria of being with Edward gone. As much as I wanted to believe that Riley and I had been on the verge of possibly starting a long-distance relationship, I was starting to realize that Riley was right. Nothing had changed, and we were still living two separate lives.

With those worries eating at me, I slept restlessly that night, my mind too unsettled. In the morning, I looked haggard and worn, the nagging guilt still lingering. I tried to focus on work Monday, but I was distracted and irritable, snapping at Lauren and even Bree when the paperwork I'd been waiting for got to me a day late. I apologized immediately; Bree certainly didn't deserve it. I knew I'd hurt her feelings.

"Bree, I'm really sorry, it wasn't fair to you, you didn't do anything wrong. I just can't rely on Lauren and you usually catch anything she misses. I could have asked you about it."

She shook her head, waving away my apology. "It's fine, Bella. I know you have a lot going on."

She seemed sincere, but I hated to ever be rude to the people who worked for us. Bree was a valuable asset to Swan and Volturi; it wasn't fair of me to take it out on her.

The next few days were much the same, the only variation was a message from Edward on Wednesday. I wasn't due in court for the Price Industries case for another few weeks, so we set up lunch for Friday. I had no idea what to say exactly, but at the very least, he deserved an apology for the way I'd been treating him.

~LTOYL~

Thursday afternoon the bottom dropped out from under my case against Price Industries. I received a call from the court clerk demanding I meet with the assigned judge and opposing counsel. In chambers, opposing counsel presented evidence in favor of Price Industries, proving that my client's injuries were far less severe than he'd alleged. They were enough for the judge to dismiss the case. Although I'd had a nagging feeling all along that it might happen, it was still incredibly disappointing. Considering my client assured me he was on the level, I had a hard time not taking it personally. I went back to the office to re-arrange my schedule and take care of the final details of wrapping up the case. I had called Charlie on my way home from the office and he came in to meet with me about it. We talked for several hours in his office as I poured out my frustration.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said sympathetically. "Unfortunately, cases like this happen. They're just a part of life. It doesn't make it any easier, or any less frustrating. You can't let it eat at you though. I know it's hard, but you have to move on."

"I'm just having a hard time with it. I had a nagging feeling all along that something wasn't right about his story."

He nodded, leaning forward in his chair. "The only thing I need to know, is did you try to represent your client with integrity and zeal, with the knowledge you had about the case?"

"Of course," I answered automatically.

"Then you did what any quality lawyer would have done. Now, I want you to let it go. Don't agonize about it, don't wonder what you could have done differently, just move on to the next case and give it your attention."

"I will." I exhaled, letting out some of the tension I'd been holding. I certainly wasn't over it, but I would try to focus on the next case.

"Although," Charlie said, drumming his fingers absentmindedly on the desk, "maybe you should take tomorrow off. Sleep in, relax. It would do you some good to have a little time off."

"Oh, I'm fine. I'd rather get to work on the Walker case."

"It wasn't a suggestion, Bella. It's an order. I may be your father, but I'm also your boss. You're still running yourself ragged."

He shook his head at me when I frowned and went to argue. When Charlie put his foot down, there was no use arguing. I sighed. "Fine. I'll head home now and be back here Monday."

"Good. Give me your phone."

"My phone?" I looked at him, puzzled.

"I'm turning your phone off. You need a break from everything. Go home, take a hot bath, read something that isn't work related, and get some sleep. I don't want you to do anything work related for the next three days."

"Look, that isn't necessary," I scoffed.

"I know you, Bella. You'll work until you drop. Please, do this for me." I sighed and handed over my phone, letting him shut it down.

"I mean it, no phone, no work files. Rest," he said sternly when he handed it back.

"Got it."

"I'm just doing it because I care. I worry about you, kiddo."

"I know. I appreciate the concern."

"Have a nice weekend."

"Thanks, you, too." Despite my irritation with him, I hugged him goodbye. I reluctantly left the case files I had planned to take home on my desk, then grabbed my bag and coat. I stopped by Bree's desk on the way out, apologizing again for snapping at her earlier in the week

"Bella, really, it's all right," she said with a sunny smile. "I could tell you were having a rough week."

They were all rough weeks now, I thought. I forced myself to smile at Bree and said, "Well, apparently I have the day off tomorrow. Charlie told me to stay home and he's still the boss, so ..."

I shrugged and she grinned at me. "That sounds great, Bella. Do you have any plans?"

"No, I think I'll just have a quiet day at home. Maybe I'll watch trashy daytime TV."

"Perfect. Have a great time; I'll see you Monday. Don't worry; I'll take care of anything on your schedule for tomorrow. I won't let Lauren even touch it."

"Thanks, Bree. I promise, once Lauren is gone, I am going to make sure you get a huge raise, you deserve it."

She looked down bashfully. "Well, I wouldn't turn it down, but I really am glad to help."

"Honestly, I don't think we could get through the day without you here to run things."

I said goodbye and went home, feeling drained from everything that had transpired that day. My father meant well, but sending me home to relax was only going to make me sit and stew over what had happened with the case.

Later that night in attempt to distract myself, I sat down to check my personal email on my laptop after dinner.

Hey, babe,

Sorry I didn't get back to you; I've been stuck at work all week, even slept in my office a few nights. This project is kicking my ass. I'm going to crash for the night; I'll call you when I can, but it might be a few more days.

-Riley

I tried not to make his message out to be more than it was, but it just seemed so cold and detached. It was hard not to feel like he was just brushing me off. I'd spent weeks talking to him daily, eagerly looking forward to hearing his voice. I knew he hadn't ignored me on purpose, but the idea that he hadn't even bothered to send me a quick text to let me know he was going to be busy, hurt. The truth was, no matter how much I'd wanted to believe otherwise, I wasn't the center of Riley's world anymore. My notion of making a long-distance relationship work seemed foolish now. I had been so desperate to believe that we could be together I hadn't really thought it through. I knew he was probably struggling with how to tell me no and me begging him to try a long-distance relationship when we both knew it was impossible, had been a poor choice.

He had moved to D.C. and I had promised myself I'd never make that choice harder. It was why I hadn't flown there to visit, or contacted him on a regular basis. As much as it pained me, we were over and I had to stop falling back on old habits and relying on Riley for comfort. It was hurting him, and it was hurting me.

I couldn't keep feeling torn over Edward and Riley and I knew I either needed to end things with Edward or give him more of a chance. He deserved that. He'd been nothing but thoughtful and supportive and my waffling was unfair. He might not have known what had happened with Riley over the last few weeks, but I did. And I didn't want to be that kind of a person. I didn't want to be someone who used people for my own needs with no thought of the way it was impacting them. I didn't want to be my mother.

~LTOYL~

In the morning I ran, wanting the physical release and clarity of mind it always brought to me. But guilt, regret, and worry knotted my stomach. Still depressed from the disappointing end to the Price Industries case I couldn't seem to shake the melancholy mood, despite the physical exertion. Even running was no longer helping me cope.

I stopped for a moment in front of the restaurant at the midpoint of my run, remembering Riley taking me there. It was a demon I hadn't managed to exorcise. It haunted me. I had treasured those little things that tied me to Riley, even if they did torture me. They were a part of what we'd had together, and I wasn't ready to let them go. Letting them go meant letting him go. But in light of what had happened recently, I wondered if I should find a new running route. Though I still cherished every memory Riley and I shared, I had to start finding my way without him and the memory of our life together.

I picked up my pace again, finishing my run, my mind swarming with thoughts I couldn't control.

Back at my apartment, I showered, then sat down with a bowl of fruit and yogurt. It wasn't much, but it was more than I normally ate. I didn't really want it, but I was trying to take better care of myself. I sipped my coffee slowly, watching the sun rise over the city, wondering what to do with my life. Everything felt so out of control lately.

I appreciated that Charlie had been trying to help keep me from working myself to death, but without work, what did I have? I had made a mess of things with both Riley and Edward, and I had no hobbies. I didn't even have a pet or a houseplant. I scrubbed my hands over my face, fighting back the urge to scream in frustration. I hated my life right now and I had no idea how to make a change.

I dumped the leftover food in the trash and stuck my dishes in the dishwasher. I changed from my robe into yoga pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt. I had no plans to leave that day and there was no one I needed to impress. The apartment was clean, and I was caught up on laundry. I didn't even have any dry cleaning that needed to be picked up. I threw myself down onto the couch and picked up the remote.

I flipped through the channels, irritated that there was nothing on. Just the usual melodramatic soap operas and reality TV shows. I hardly watched TV anymore, much less daytime TV. I had forgotten how bad it was. I finally settled on the Food Network. Barefoot Contessa was on and I watched, fascinated as she whipped meals together. She made it look so effortless. There was something warm and motherly about her. She reminded me of my parents' housekeeper, Carmen, actually. I sighed, realizing how sad it was that I had more fond memories of the housekeeper than I did my own mother. Carmen had always been warm and loving toward me and I'd spent many hours in the kitchen watching her bake while I did homework after school.

I watched the episode to the end, admiring the beautiful, golden brown, deep-dish apple pie Ina pulled out of the oven; I could practically able to smell the apples and cinnamon. I suddenly wanted to bake a pie. Although I'd never made a pie before in my life, they couldn't be that hard, could they? Besides, wasn't I supposed to be relaxing and doing something that wasn't work related? This was perfect, I decided, I would bake an apple pie today.

First, I turned on the iPod in the living room, cranking up the volume before going into the kitchen to see if I had the ingredients to make it. Ididn't really know much about cooking, but pie was comforting, homey, and seemed especially nice after a long, terrible week.

I began by laying everything out carefully and arranging the dishes I'd need. Almost immediately, I grew frustrated when I realized I'd need a rolling pin; I didn't own one. It crossed my mind that could go out to get one, but it seemed silly, how many pies was I really going to make? Glancing around the apartment, I wondered if I could use something else. Spying a wine bottle, I snagged it and experimentally rolled it on the counter. It wasn't great, but it seemed like it might work.

Peeling the apples was laborious and I nearly cut myself removing the core. Slicing was a little easier, and my confidence grew as I added the seasonings for the apples. I measured and mixed, finally feeling confident in this project.

The piecrust was harder though. The recipe called for a food processor, which again, I didn't have, so I mixed the dough by hand. It was a complete mess and I managed to get flour all over the kitchen. I laughed to myself-one disaster wasn't too bad, I could always clean later. As I continued, it all went fine until I went to roll the dough out. It stuck to the counter as well as the wine bottle, and when I read through the recipe again; I hadn't chilled it like the recipe called for. I gathered it up, stuck it in the refrigerator, and carefully set the timer for thirty minutes. When the time was up, I carefully rolled it out but it was hard and crumbly, not nice and round like it was supposed to be. I let out a huff, pushing it all back together, and tried rolling it out again.

As the dough warmed up it got sticky again, tearing when I tried to roll it thinner. I sighed in frustration at how badly this was going. Every time I tried, it just got worse. I finally gave up, laying it carefully in the pie plate, trying to patch the holes and make the edges even. Frustrated by the fact that it didn't look anything like Ina's crust, I dumped the apples in before covering it with the second piece that was just as ugly.

"Maybe it wasn't the prettiest pie ever, but it would still taste good," I reassured myself as I put it in the oven. I carefully set the timer on the stove and washed my hands. The kitchen and I were both a mess.

I began to wipe everything down, putting items away when I suddenly I smelt smoke; I turned around to see it pouring from the oven. Yanking the door open, I reached for it and nearly burned myself. I pulled back just in time and grabbed the potholders from the counter. As I pulled it out, tears pricked at my eyes when I realized the pie had burnt. It was dark, dark brown across the top, charred and blackened around the edges. I reached for the recipe, not understanding what I had done wrong. There was still seven minutes on the timer; it wasn't even supposed to be done, much less burnt. Throwing the paper down on the counter, I swore when I saw that the recipe had called for it to bake at four hundred degrees, not four-hundred-fifty. It was so frustrating; I couldn't seem to do anything right today. It was just a simple pie, and I was completely incapable of making it. Scraping the contents of the pan into the trash, I sniffled and tried to blink back my tears.

Forcing myself to relax, I closed my eyes, leaning against the counter so I could take a deep breath. I just had to try it again. "I can do this. I graduated with honors from Georgetown law; this is nothing, just a silly pie," I reminded myself.

Feeling determined, I measured, peeled, mixed, and rolled but the crust tore time-after-time. Finally defeated, I broke down into tears, pissed at myself for not being able to manage such a simple thing. I braced against the countertop and sobbed feeling completely inept—could I do nothing right? Suddenly, a loud voice just a few feet from me broke through the music and my crying jag. I looked up in shock to see Edward standing there, a frantic look of worry on his face, Jacob standing behind him. Jacob gave me a puzzled look and disappeared through the door, shutting it behind him. I frantically wiped at my face with my forearm, not wanting Edward to see me cry.

"What are you doing here?" My voice came out harsher than I intended.

"I was worried about you; we had plans for lunch today. You never showed. You didn't answer your phone when I called either so I was worried that something had happened to you. I thought you were sick or hurt or. . ."

"Did Jacob let you in?"

"He was worried, too."

"Fuck, can't I stay home from work for one day without people freaking out?"

He moved a little further into the room. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine," I snapped.

"Really? Cause it looks like you lost a fight with the kitchen," he joked. It was the final straw and I lashed out at him.

"I don't need you barging in to criticize me! I'm fine! I took a day off and I decided to try baking. It didn't go so well. I'm sorry I forgot about our lunch plans. Just go back to work and stop worrying about me!" I shouted. I felt out of control, my guilt and depression making me lash out at Edward unjustly.

"Bella—" he protested.

"Just...don't, Edward. You're not my keeper. Honestly, between you and Jacob I feel like I have two more parents," I snapped. "I'm an adult. I can take care of myself. I don't need you checking up on me all the time."

"Bella, where is this coming from?" he asked, sounding bewildered. "I was only checking on you because I care about you. You didn't come to lunch like we planned and I was worried about you. I'd hope you'd do the same for me. I don't know why you're crying, but I want to help. Just tell me what's wrong."

I wiped at my eyes with my forearm again, my hands still covered in flour and bits of dough. "Jesus, I'm fine! I just wanted to bake something, but apparently, I'm not even capable of that. Fuck, I can't do anything right!" I looked down at the counter, my voice dropping to nearly a whisper. "No wonder Riley left. I'd be an awful wife. Maybe Renee was right. I practically drove him away. I can't even fucking make a pie," I muttered, shoving the pie plate away from me. "I'm a failure."

"Hey," he said softly, coming over to rub my back. "It doesn't matter. You don't have to make a pie. Not everyone can. There are plenty of other things you are amazing at. You're an incredible lawyer and…" his voice trailed off as I burst into tears and sank to the floor, not even noticing the sticky, doughy mess on my hands as I brought them to my face. He knelt down beside me, gently rubbing my back reassuringly. "Shhh, it's going to be all right."

"You don't understand, Edward," I said hysterically. "My case got screwed up, I can't bake a pie, and I'm starting to wonder if there's anything I can do right. I can't even make it to lunch with you when we make plans. I'm disappointing you all the time and I can't seem to stop. I just feel like a complete failure," I sobbed.

"Look at me," he said gently. "I think you're an incredible, amazing woman. You can do anything you put your mind to. So what if the pie didn't turn out? It's not the end of the world, you can make another one."

"It's my second pie," I wailed. He pulled me close, letting me cry on his shoulder.

"So, you make a third one. I'll even help. I've never made a pie either. We can make a mess together, all right?"

"I barely had enough apples to make the second one!" I sniffled.

"Then we will run out first to get whatever we need." He tilted my chin up so he could kiss me softly. "You can do anything. I have faith in you, okay?"

"Okay," I said in a small voice. I stared into his worried grey-blue eyes and noticed the way he was studying my face, like he was afraid I was going to burst into tears again. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, suddenly needing his touch to reassure me that everything would be all right. Although he held himself stiffly for a moment, eventually he relaxed into it. I softened against him as his tongue slipped between my lips, no longer caring about the messy kitchen and ruined pies. I wound my fingers in his hair and kissed him, pulling him up so we were both kneeling, our bodies pressed tightly together from lips to knees. His hands clamped down on my hips, as he began to harden against me.

"Edward. . ." I exhaled against his lips and he tilted his head, his tongue moving more deeply in my mouth, the kiss needy and intense. I clutched at his back, tugging at the fabric of his suit jacket, wanting it off him. I leaned back a little without separating our lips, just far enough to slip my hands under the lapels of the jacket, pushing it to the floor. He pulled me back against his body and cradled the back of my head in his palm, his other hand on my hip, pulling me into him. I heard myself moan loudly as he let go of me to lift my shirt over my head, only pulling his lips away from mine long enough to work the shirt off me. My fingers moved to his shirt, yanking it from his pants impatiently, fumbling with the buttons to open his shirt. I ran my hands down his chest, the kiss still frantic. I felt his breath hot on my cheek when he tore his mouth from mine long enough to gasp for air as he eagerly unhooked my bra, throwing it to the floor. I ran my hands down his chest, quickly unbuckled his belt, sliding one hand down to cup his erection, even as the other hand worked at the button and zipper of the pants.

"Fuck, Bella." He groaned and threw his head back, the muscles in his jaw clenching tightly as I finally pushed the pants down his thighs. I rubbed my thumb over the tip of his cock through the fabric of his boxer briefs making him moan. His hands slid to my waist, working the fabric of my pants over my hips as he dipped his head to take my nipple in his mouth, sucking and flicking it until I cried out. I pushed my body against his fingers where they were stroking me through the soft fabric of my underwear. I slipped my hand beneath his pants and wrapped my fingers around his cock. With a suddenness that surprised me, he yanked his hand from between my thighs and lowered me to the floor. I looked up at him, panting hard as he knelt over me. His hair was wild and disheveled from my hands, his lips wet from my kiss. He roughly pulled the remaining clothes from my body, fumbling in his wallet for a condom. I drank in the sight of him lightly stroking himself as he put it on and I reached a hand down to touch between my thighs.

"Let me," he said roughly, as he lowered himself over me. He pushed his pants aside and parted my thighs, thrusting into me with a desperate groan of pleasure. My body stretched to accommodate him and I clutched at his back, under his shirt, my fingernails digging into his skin. One of his hands cupped the back of my head, cushioning it from the floor as he drove into me. I could feel the coolness of the floor behind me and Edward's heated skin rubbing against my chest.

"More!" I panted, grabbing at his hips to force him deeper into me. "I need you, Edward."

"I'm right here—" He gasped "—I have you."

His mouth roughly met mine and his tongue plunged in to taste me before retreating. He took my lower lip between his teeth, biting down just hard enough to sting a little. I gripped his hair with one hand, forcing his head to tilt to the side as I kissed along his jaw over to his ear. He grabbed one of my hands, pulling it up over my head to entwine our fingers. I cried out in pleasure as I felt my body begin to clench around him.

"Edward," I choked out and he picked up his pace; the pleasure rushed through me so fast I felt myself grow light-headed. His fingers tightened on mine as I shuddered against him. My other hand reached to pull his hip tighter against mine. As my orgasm wracked my body, I heard him groan deeply as he ground his body along mine. I opened my eyes to see him with his head thrown back, the muscles in his throat and jaw clenched tightly, his lips parted as he came. Even after he finally stopped coming, I felt my body quivering with small aftershocks of pleasure.

With a low, contented sound, he lowered himself to the floor next to me. He rolled onto his back drawing me with him, his arm pulling me against him so my head was resting on his shoulder, my left leg over top of his. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and I relaxed, reaching to play with the soft trail of hair below his navel. I giggled when I saw that he was covered in flour and bits of dough. What had been on my hands was all over his body now. He squeezed me tighter and looked down at me. "What's so funny?" His lips turned up at the corners into a small smile.

"You're a mess," I pointed out, the release of tension making me giddy and unable to stop laughing. He chuckled and I let out a snort when I realized his hair was covered in flour, too, with white streaks throughout.

"You are, too." He pointed at my hip and I saw a white hand print in flour. He brushed some more off my arm, chuckling. "This is not what I expected when I came over."

"I think it was just what I needed," I admitted.

"Good." He kissed the top of my head. "Anything else I can do?" he asked with a smirk and a wink.

"Feel like taking a shower with me?"

"I suppose I can manage that. I have been neglecting my duties."

"Your duties?" I sat up and looked at him quizzically.

He traced a finger down from my shoulder to just above my nipple. "As your personal manservant, remember?"

I smirked. "Oh that's right. I think you owe me."

I swallowed hard as I watched him stand, admiring the way his lean muscles flexed with his movement. His body was so beautiful. He shrugged out of his shirt and dropped it to floor beside his suit jacket. He stepped out of his pants and underwear, leaving them on the floor. They were covered in flour and little bits of dough. I winced at the mess I—we'd made of them.

"Coming?" he asked, sounding amused. "Or are you going to spend the rest of the afternoon staring at my naked body?"

"Well," I said as he helped me up, "there are worse ways to spend my time."

"You can always do it in the shower, come on."

"I'm sorry about your suit, by the way," I said.

He gave me an amused smile. "Well, you can pay for the dry cleaning if you feel that bad, but it was worth the sacrifice," he said with a wink.

I followed him into the guest bedroom to the shower. He turned on the water and quickly removed the condom, disposing it in the trashcan. We stepped inside the shower once it was warm and he helped me wash the sticky dough from my hands. The euphoria of my orgasm was beginning to fade and I suddenly felt embarrassed by my earlier breakdown.

"I wish I knew what you were thinking," he said softly, tracing his thumb across my cheek bone.

"It doesn't matter." I shrugged and he pulled me close, his arms drawing my body flush with his.

"It does."

"Edward," I said, cupping his cheeks in my hand. "I just had a horrible couple of weeks. I'm sorry I acted so crazy, earlier. I'm glad you're here."

"Me, too. I care about you, Bella..."

I didn't know how to respond so I reached for my shampoo but he gently pushed my hand aside to pick it up. "Let me."

He washed my hair, and the sensation of his strong fingers massaging my scalp made me moan. "How does that feel?" he asked softly after he'd rinsed the shampoo out. I opened my eyes to look at him.

"Fantastic, Edward, thank you."

I reached for the conditioner, but he pushed my hand away again. "You aren't very good at letting someone else take care of you, are you?" he chastised me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head.

"I don't want to push you too much, Bella, but I would like it if you'd let me try to take care of you sometimes. Just try to think about it before you automatically push me away."

I ran my fingertips down his cheek, leaning in to kiss his jaw as he massaged the conditioner in. "I'll try," I said softly. He smiled at me and I stood on my toes to reach his lips. Water dripped from his lashes onto his cheeks as we kissed and he wound one hand in my hair and the other arm wrapped around my waist.

"I was so worried about you," he said hoarsely.

"I'm sorry" He nodded and I laid my head against his shoulder, his cheek against the crown of my head. We stood under the water without speaking for a long time. I took a deep breath and spoke quietly. "I lost a case yesterday, and I took it really hard."

"Did you consider calling me?"

"No," I admitted.

I felt him nod. "I wish there was a way I could be the person you turned to when life gets crazy, Bella."

"Edward, when Riley left—" I swallowed hard, still having a hard time discussing him "—when he left, I pushed everyone away. Even his sister—who I was really close with—stopped talking to me, so I had no one. Vanessa is fun, but she's just not someone I'm close to in that way. You've met Renee; she's not exactly the comforting type. I've been completely alone since."

"I know. But you're not alone anymore." His hand moved across my back, stroking softly, soothingly.

"I feel like I'm using you," I blurted out and lifted my head to look at him. "The other night, at Spinnakers, I told you I had some things I needed to figure out, and I do. I've been thinking about them a lot lately." My throat tightened and my voice came out a whisper. "I feel guilty, I just showed up at your place, fucked you, and left. I was hurting and I used you to make myself feel better."

Edward's brow wrinkled as he thought for a moment. His left hand moved to grip my waist, holding me firmly against his body and his other reached up to cup my chin. When he spoke, his thumb lightly brushed back and forth along my jawline. "Look, I'm going to be very honest here, Bella. I knew you were struggling. I knew when you showed up that it was probably a big part of that. Maybe your motives weren't the healthiest. You needed to feel in control and I let you have that. I could have told you no, but when you turn up at my door in nothing but a trench coat and boots, well, I respond to that. I'm human, too." He smiled softly, pulling me tighter against his hard chest.

"Bella, neither of us have defined our relationship. Neither of us have said what we expected of the other or what we even are to each other. I just told you I was here for you when you needed me and asked to be the refuge you seek, instead some stranger from a bar. You agreed to try. I don't have any expectations that I'm your boyfriend or that you need to constantly check in with me. I know you have things going on you're dealing with on your own. And that's okay." I looked down, the truth in his words making me fight to keep control of my emotions. Edward's hand slid to the back of my neck, lightly gripping my the back of my head as his fingers tangled in my hair.

"I told you to let me worry about what I need out of this and I am." His words caught my attention and I looked up at him again. "Maybe one of us should have stopped, but I won't lie, that was some pretty incredible sex and it was what you and I both needed at the time." We both chuckled lightly and I shifted in his embrace.

"I don't know." He sighed. "Maybe what I'm offering isn't helping you. But I think—I hope—if you give things a chance it could be good for both of us." His tone was faintly frustrated but the conviction was clear in his voice.

"As far as you leaving after, you've been very upfront about your feelings about spending the night together and I understand that you're not there yet. Did I want you to stay? Sure, of course I did. Was I surprised or hurt in the morning when you were gone? No. A bit disappointed maybe, but that's on me." Again, hearing his words and feeling the guilt of disappointing him, made tears prick at my eyes.

Edward reached down and took both of my hands, bringing them up between us. "My point is this: I offered to be here for you and that's exactly what I've been doing. You needed someone and came to me like I asked. So don't beat yourself up over it. You're a beautiful woman and you're just a little lost right now. I'm glad you came over-even if it wasn't for the right reasons."

"It scares me sometimes, Edward," I said, trying hard not to cry.

"What does?"

I couldn't hold the tears back any long and one slipped down my cheek, mixing with the hot water from the shower flowing down our bodies. "Who I am right now. What I've become. I don't like it. I don't like how I've treated you. Charlie raised me to be a better person than that."

"Then change," he said simply, brushing my tears away. "I know it's not always as simple as that, but being aware something is the first step in making changes. I can't begin to know what's going on in your head or what you're struggling with. But know that I'm well aware that you are struggling and although I won't deny that I'd love to see you let go of your past and be happy, I know that's a long ways away. I'm here for you, Bella. In whatever capacity you need. I'm glad to hear that you care about my feelings in all of this, it just proves to me that no matter how lost or hurting right now, you're the incredible woman I think you are. You've made mistakes, but so have I. Just be open to me, okay?" He took me in his embrace again, hugging me tightly. I nestled my head against his chest, reveling in the closeness.

"I will," I promised. I was relieved by Edward's words, but they were also a reminder that if I chose to continue to see him, I had to be more aware of what I was doing. He was too good of a man to take for granted. I wanted to be the woman he saw me as. In his eyes, I was strong and beautiful but I felt weak, like a shadow of the woman I had been before. But he was right; I could change and be the woman he wanted me to be, the woman he saw behind the confusion and poor choices. All I had to do was try.

"I hope you know that I don't think it makes you weak to need someone. If I called you because I had a shitty day and wanted to spend time with you, would you think less of me?"

"Of course not, Edward," I responded automatically pulling back to look at him.

"Hmm…" he said softly.

"I'm sorry I missed lunch," I apologized. "I know my track record isn't so good, but I won't do that to you again," I reassured him and he nodded.

"I hope not." He kissed my forehead sweetly as I relaxed against him.

"Edward . . . touch me." I looked up at him, hopefully expressing what I wanted through my eyes.

He pulled away just far enough to look at me, smiled, then brushed his thumb across my lower lip. "I can do that."

He turned us, gently pushing me back against the glass of the shower. I waited patiently while he squeezed a little body wash into his hands and rubbed them together. His eyes met mine with a bright gleam and I smiled at him, eager for him to begin. He began with my left hand, slowly washing every inch of my body.

It had its desired effect, washing away the frustrations of losing the case and the failed baking. "Thank you," I said once he finished.

"All you ever have to do is ask, Bella," he said, his eyes intent on mine.

So what do you think? Will Bella be able to let go of Riley and finally give Edward the chance he truly deserves? Were you surprised to hear what Edward had to say? Who else here has used a wine bottle in a pinch as a rolling pin? Here's mine: . :large

We'll see you all next week in the new year!

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