WARNING: this chapter is angsty. If you've ever been through a breakup you might want a tissue or, seeing as it's Valentine's day, you might want to skip this and read tomorrow. Sorry, bad timing.
The song for this chapter is "Your Heart's a Mess" by Gotye youtu*be/GnXFJOXvL I believe it's my favorite on the whole playlist. And in case you missed it, this is the infamous Gary Danko restaurant: goo*gl/zOQMc
Thank you to our fantastic betas: karenec, LJ Summers, AshesAshes, and jakeward. They patiently clean us up and make us look all sparkly. LJ brings Glitter. ;)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter Twenty-Eight: Shattered
Edward and I both slept in the next morning. We went out for a leisurely brunch and, although I desperately wanted to spend the rest of the day with Edward, I had work to do.
"It's okay." Edward shrugged when I apologized for having to go. "You know I wouldn't want to keep you from your work, and there's always something I should be doing." He laughed. "We have a number of possible shows in the works and there's never a shortage of research to do for them."
"Thank you, Edward." We were standing on the sidewalk in front of my building and Edward pulled me closer to kiss me.
He brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes. "For what?"
"For everything." I couldn't really put into words how I was feeling; I just knew that I was incredibly grateful to him for all he'd done. Things had been so rocky for a while, but we finally seemed to have settled into a good place.
He nodded and kissed me again, his soft lips and gentle kiss saying everything he couldn't put into words either. I hugged him tightly before letting him go and heading up to my apartment.
"Call me tonight," he said and I glanced back, staring at the hopeful smile on his face. "Even if it's just for a few minutes before you go to bed."
"I will," I promised.
I went up to my apartment only long enough to put away my overnight bag and gather my briefcase before heading to the firm. The office was dim and quiet when I arrived, save for a single open door and the quiet clacking of a keyboard coming from Vanessa's office. I peered in and said hello and she jumped.
"Jesus, you startled me, Bella."
"Sorry," I apologized and walked into her office. "How are you?"
She sighed and sat back in her chair as her fingers came up to rub her temples. "I'm okay. I'm neck deep in this thing with Alec though and I got some news on my grandmother today. She isn't doing well, so I guess I've been better."
"I'm sorry." I put my bag on the seat beside me and sank into one of the chairs across the desk from her. "Is there any chance of her getting better?"
"No. It's just a matter of time now. She'll rally one week and then get worse the next. I really don't want to lose her, but at this point, I almost wonder if it might not be for the best if she just didn't wake up one morning." She blinked and wiped at her eyes with her thumb. I'd never seen Ness look so exhausted and vulnerable. I passed her a tissue from the box on her desk. "Thanks," she muttered and dabbed at her eyes. "It's just hard."
"I wish there was something I could do to help. Listen, Ness, maybe we should just hold off on things regarding Alec for a little while. I don't want you tapped out and things with your grandma are more important right now."
"No, it's good actually." She shoved the reference book on her desk away from her with a heavy sigh. "It's been a welcome distraction since there's nothing any of us can do but wait. If I need to put things on hold for a bit, I'll let you know."
"All right. If you need anything, you'll let me know, right?" I asked.
"Of course. Thanks, Bella." I could tell by her subdued demeanor that she was struggling with things and I wished there was something I could do to comfort her. She gave me a slightly watery smile and changed the subject. "So how are you? We haven't had much time to talk lately. You seem pretty happy."
"I am," I said, trying to follow Vanessa's lead on a lighter topic. "Things are going well with Edward. We're enjoying spending time together."
"I'm happy for you. Although, you're going to have to keep at least one evening free in the next few weeks so we can go out dancing. With everything going on with my grandma, I need a break." She smiled sadly.
"Sure, I'd love to go," I reassured her.
The conversation moved on to work and, after a little while, I headed to my office so I could make some progress on the Walker case. It felt like every time I finished some aspect of it, something new would crop up.
The day seemed to fly by. Vanessa left long before I did and I waved goodbye to her as she passed my door. It was late when I left, and I was glad I'd driven to work; I was too tired to walk home. I picked up takeout on the way and ate when I got back to my place.
I crawled into bed and watched a movie, but about halfway through, I muted it and called Edward before I completely passed out for the night. He sounded happy to hear from me and suddenly, my bed felt too large; I'd grown used to falling asleep beside him. Wondering if the sheets in the guest room still smelled like him, I turned off the TV and switched rooms.
Edward and I continued to talk as I pulled the covers over myself and I was immediately enveloped in the smell of his cologne. Feeling the comfort wash over me, I grew drowsy. Before we said goodnight, I murmured, "I miss falling asleep beside you."
"Yeah?" he asked in a dulcet tone. "I miss it, too."
We said goodnight and I hung up the phone with his scent surrounding me. The sound of his voice in my ear was the last thing I remembered as I closed my eyes. It wasn't the same as him holding me close, but it was enough as I drifted off to sleep.
~LTOYL~
After a deep sleep, I showered and had a quick breakfast before heading back to the office. This time, it was utterly deserted and I was able to work uninterrupted, except for a brief break for lunch. It wasn't until late afternoon that my phone chimed with a text notification from Edward.
Were you able to get some work done today?
Getting there. How is your day going?
Not bad. Would you like to go to dinner with Alice, Jasper, and me?
Tonight?
Yes. Would 7:30 work for you?
I glanced at the pile of work still on my desk and then mentally reviewed what I had left to do. It would be tight, but I could manage it.
I should be able to do that. Pick me up at my place at 7:00?
Looking forward to it.
I threw myself into my work and managed to finish up with five minutes to spare. It gave me just enough time to get home and shower. I realized I had no idea where we were going tonight, and I quickly texted Edward to ask him how formal a restaurant it was.
He replied he was wearing a suit so I pulled out a stylish, tan sheath dress and camel-colored heels. I also packed an overnight bag, finishing just as I received a text from Edward saying he'd arrived downstairs.
I took one last glance around the apartment before I locked up and left, making my way down through the lobby and to Edward's car. He kissed me quickly as I moved to put my bag on the floor of the back seat. "Are you staying the night?" he asked.
"Do you not want me to?" I asked, a little taken aback.
He chuckled. "I always want you to. I was just pleased to see that you took the initiative."
I reached over and placed my hand on his thigh, lightly brushing my fingertips along the fabric of his pants. "Well, if you're lucky, maybe I'll be taking a little more later on." I grinned at Edward and he gave me a wink.
"I like the sound of that."
We left for the restaurant and traffic, as usual, was bumper-to-bumper as we made our way down Embarcadero. The sun was low in the sky but there was still a couple of hours before sunset. The nightlife was just starting to come out along the piers and there were people everywhere. We had to stop several times as the trolley made its way down the street, picking up passengers. San Francisco traffic was something all of us were used to, but it was always annoying. Edward, however, didn't seem to mind it at all.
As we waited in the slow-moving line of endless cars, Edward told me about the history of several places we passed. Even though I'd lived in San Francisco all my life, there was so much more to it than what was on the surface. Every time Edward and I went out, he would point out something interesting that I hadn't known before. Seeing the city through his eyes was like seeing it for the first time, and I loved it.
"How did your day go?" he asked just as we were passing Pier 41.
"Long. But I got a lot done." I yawned and tried to stifle it. "And apparently, I'm tired."
"We don't have to stay out late. We can just catch a quick dinner," he offered.
"No, I'm fine. It will be nice to unwind, and I don't want to be rude to Alice and Jasper. Thanks though." Even though I was tired, I felt myself slowly relaxing as we made our way to dinner.
Suddenly, I started noticing my surroundings and I started paying attention again. We were on North Point Road. When he started to slow down as we approached Hyde Street, I felt myself grow uneasy, recognizing exactly where we were headed. My worst fears were confirmed when we pulled up in front of the Gary Danko Restaurant. It was the restaurant where Riley had told me about his job offer in D.C. and although I wanted to think I could handle going there, I hadn't been back since then. Had I known where we were going for dinner, I might have declined.
"Bella?" Edward said and it sounded almost muffled as I could feel the blood rushing to my head. I blinked at him in surprise. I had been so lost in my thoughts, I hadn't noticed that he'd gotten out of the vehicle and opened my door. He held out his hand for me and I took it automatically, letting him help me out onto the sidewalk. He gave his keys to the valet and took the tag. I followed him robotically into the restaurant, only half-listening as he gave the hostess Jasper's name.
"I believe the reservation is under Whitlock."
His hand against my lower back, guiding me through the restaurant, was all that got me to the table. I stiffly greeted Alice and Jasper, and immediately started looking around the room. Everything was the same. Nothing had changed. Conversation at the table flowed around me and I tried to join in, but I felt like I was underwater, struggling to hear what everyone was saying. I dimly heard someone say that we were there to celebrate the success of Jasper's new pediatric practice. I congratulated him, but it I was sure it sounded forced and detached. Glancing around the room again, my breath caught at the sight of the table Riley and I had sat at that night. I stood abruptly, knocking a spoon to the ground.
"Excuse me, I need to use the restroom," I said, my lips feeling numb, the tears beginning to sting my eyes.
Everyone turned to look at me, and I hurried away before they could say anything. As soon as I was safe and alone in the bathroom, I went to the vanity and bent over the sink, struggling to regain my composure. God, it hurt to be here. To remember that night when my life fell apart. Why did we have to come here? I wondered angrily. I assumed either Alice or Jasper had made the reservation, but what were the odds? There were hundreds of incredible restaurants in San Francisco. Why this place?
After a while, I managed to regain my composure; although, my heart was still hammering in my chest as I walked back to the table. My stomach was twisted in knots. Edward stood to help me into my seat and I smiled weakly at him, trying to reassure him that I was all right. I knew I was only hanging on by a thread.
"Everything okay?" he asked quietly once we were both seated.
I nodded and he touched the back of my hand lightly. He flipped it over and curled his fingers around mine. Instinctively, I wanted to pull my hand away. It felt wrong to be here and it only made the knot in my stomach tighten even more. Edward's eyes searched mine at my slight hesitation, looking for some clue as to what was going on. In my head, I was fighting hard to not reject Edward, instead turn to him for support. But every fiber of my being was telling me to pull away and shut down.
"Are we ready to order?" Alice asked, interrupting the silent communication between Edward and me. I glanced down at the menu, keeping my hand in Edward's even though his touch felt like fire. I needed to get through this. I needed to find something, some way to collect myself if I had any hope of making things work with Edward. He lightly released the hold he'd had on my hand, no doubt sensing my struggling emotions. Though it was slight, his gesture was just enough to reassure me he was there to support me without pressure.
No one commented on my abrupt departure.
The chatter at the table resumed as I studied the menu, glad to see it had changed substantially in the last year. Edward kept giving me sidelong glances, the worry in his eyes evident. We all placed our orders when the waiter arrived and I gratefully drank the wine Edward had ordered me.
I looked over at our table again, drawing in a sharp breath when I saw a young couple seated there now. They looked nothing like Riley and me, but it was still all too familiar. I glanced away, my stomach clenching.
Dinner carried on and Edward, while still showing his concern for me, kept Alice and Jasper engaged in conversation. I noticed Alice watching me from time-to-time, but she never commented on my strange behavior. By the time I had forced down several bites of a dinner I didn't even remember ordering, I couldn't handle another moment of being in this place.
I turned to Edward and spoke quietly. "I'm not feeling well. Can we go?"
My eyes pleaded with him to understand and he nodded. Immediately, he stood up and reached for my hand. "I'm very sorry but I'm afraid we're going to have to cut this short. Bella isn't feeling well. Can we do this again another night?"
"Of course," Alice said. "I hope you feel better, Bella." She gave me concerned smile
"Thank you. We'll have to do dinner again when I'm feeling better. Congratulations, Jasper"
We said goodbye and Edward placed some cash on the table before we left. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly against him as we waited for the valet to retrieve his car. He didn't ask what was going on, just helped me into the SUV when it arrived and drove us to his place. I would have rather gone to mine, but I knew why he was doing it. He was afraid I'd disappear on him. I could see the squaring of his shoulders, the tightening of his jaw. I felt sick, knowing he had every reason to worry about what I'd do and that I'd shut down, forcing him out.
I wanted to run. It was my first instinct, but I fought it down, working to quell the rising panic and the feeling that I was trapped. Edward wouldn't force me to stay; if I asked, he'd drive me home or call me a cab. I could see him steeling himself for it as we stood in the entryway to his loft, keys still in his hand. I could feel myself shaking, small, quivering tremors that took over my body. I was so close to having a complete and total breakdown, and I wasn't sure that I could handle Edward seeing me fall apart one more time.
But I couldn't leave. I couldn't do that to him. He had been so good to me, so patient, and he didn't deserve to be treated that way. I had to do better this time. The keys fell to the table by the door with a clank that sounded loud in the otherwise silent room. His hand reached out to touch me then fell back to his side. He stared at me, the worry etching lines into his face, making him look exhausted and worn.
The agonized uncertainty in his gaze made my chest hurt, and I reached up to rub his face, wanting to make it go away. "I need a little time to myself, Edward," I said quietly.
I turned away from the door and headed toward the stairs without a word. The shaking was beginning to subside, but I felt cold and a bone-deep exhaustion was setting in. I wanted a warm shower and the oblivion of sleep. I would have preferred to go to my apartment, but I needed to stay. Edward needed to know I wasn't going to bolt.
I grabbed my robe from the hook in his closet and went into the bedroom. I kicked off my shoes and undressed, dropping it carelessly onto the floor. My eyes were already stinging from suppressed tears, and I moved slowly to the bathroom to take out my contacts. I turned on the shower and let it warm, hugging myself tightly. I felt like I'd shatter; break apart into a thousand tiny pieces, if I didn't do something to hold myself together. I showered, feeling numb and sick, hardly even aware of the heat of the water against my skin. I only felt cold.
Edward was still downstairs when I came out of the bathroom, and I crawled into bed. I pulled the covers up over me, needing the heavy weight for reassurance. The ache in my chest and the strange trembling hadn't gone away completely. I turned my head into the pillow, feeling tears sting my eyes again. It smelled like Edward. The soft, light scent surrounded me and I breathed deep letting it wash over me.
I was nearly asleep when I heard his quiet footsteps on the stairs, followed by the sound of water running in the bathroom. Sometime later, I felt the bed dip beside me as he climbed in. I held myself still as he got situated. My back was to him and I didn't move a muscle, allowing him to think I was already asleep. I wanted to touch him, wanted to let him take the grief away, but I couldn't let myself. Rather than sinking into what I knew would be a willing embrace, I closed my eyes again and let the sleep take over me, exhausted by the emotional turmoil of the day.
~LTOYL~
The sun was setting as Riley and I walked hand-in-hand along the wharf. The salty air was rapidly cooling, but he slipped an arm around me to keep me warm. I felt a nervous flutter in my stomach as I turned to look up him, scarcely believing that tonight could be the night. I had been waiting so long for this. It had been practical to wait, the prudent thing to do. But, oh how I wanted him. I wanted to tell the world I was his.
He had been jumpy and distracted all day. I worried at first, but when he told me we had reservations at Gary Danko, my heart leaped in my throat. It was the kind of place people went to celebrate something. There was only one possible explanation I could come up with: Riley was going to propose.
He fidgeted with his tie and jingled the coins in his pocket as we walked. The lack of conversation between us didn't bother me; my mind was going a million miles an hour, anyway, imagining our wedding, our honeymoon, and our married life together.
Once we were at the restaurant, I could hardly contain my smile. He ordered us a bottle of champagne—even though he preferred reds—and the caviar for an appetizer. It was an indulgence we both loved but rarely splurged on. This was really happening. I looked around the restaurant, trying to memorize everything about this moment. I wanted to etch every detail into my memory forever. Riley was so handsome in his black suit and soft blue tie, as he nervously fidgeted in his seat. I reached out my hand for his and he squeezed it. He was surprisingly quiet and when someone clanked a fork against a plate loudly he jumped, startled.
"You don't have to be so nervous, Riley," I said softly.
He gave me a despondent smile. "Bella, I love you more than anything in the world, and I can't imagine my life without you. But. . . ."His voice trailed off and I swallowed hard, confused by the word. But what? I looked at him, waiting for him to continue.
After a long moment, he finally spoke. "Bella, I have something I need to tell you."
I waited expectantly, my heart in my throat.
He cleared his throat and continued. "There's an amazing opportunity in Washington D.C. for me. I have an in with the Senator's office." As soon as I heard the words Washington D.C and Senator's office, my world stopped. Washington was nowhere near San Francisco.
"I'd start out as an aide but it's a paid position, not an internship, which is hard as hell to get. This could possibly be my start at moving up the political ladder. You know I've always found the political side of the law fascinating. Bella, the fact that I'd start out on payroll pretty much guarantees that I'll have a long term position with the Senator's staff. It's an amazing opportunity, more than I ever dream of finding right off the bat." As Riley continued, I felt my heart rate increase and my hands turned ice cold, my mind reeling, trying to grasp what he was telling me.
"I love law, but after a lot of thinking, I've come to the conclusion that I want to actually pursue a political career. I want to be a part of making law, not just practicing it. You know my family has been pushing me in that direction, too, since day one. I talked to my father about this awhile back and he said he'd talk to some of his connections. If I don't take this offer now, I'll never get another like it. The fact that the Senator's team even wants me on board is just incredible. My father's influence got me the in, but my career here and my performance at Georgetown clinched it. They actually want me." He squeezed my fingers, snapping me back to the present. "What do you say? Will you move to D.C. with me, baby?"
The words left my lips before I could stop them. "No. N-No—I . . . ." I couldn't even get the words out. I looked at him as if he'd lost his mind. How could he even think about us leaving? "What are you even saying? Riley, our lives are here. My family is here; your family is here!" I released his hand and sat back slightly in my seat.
"What about our plan? What about the firm and the life we wanted to build together? It's here, in San Francisco. What are you possibly thinking?" My mind was spinning. I shook my head, bewildered by the turn the conversation had taken. I'd been expecting a proposal, and instead, he was asking me to leave our home—move all the way across the country.
The hurt that flashed across his face was nearly unbearable for me to see. "Just like that? 'No'?"
"We talked about this, Riley. We had plans. We were going to get settled in at Swan and Volturi. We were going to stay here in San Francisco—get married and raise a family. I-I . . . I just don't understand. Aren't you happy here?" My voice broke as the plans that Riley and I had made together began to crumble in front of me. It felt like a knife to the stomach to realize that what we'd both wanted was no longer the same thing. I had no idea when it had all changed. When he'd stopped being happy with the life we were working to build together.
"I'm happy with you. You're what matters to me. But no, I'm not happy at Swan and Volturi," he said quietly. "I don't think I can be a lawyer like you wanted."
"Like I wanted?" I said defensively. "This was your dream, too."
"It was. Or I thought it was—I don't know. It's just not what I want anymore, baby. I see you when you have a case, and you're so passionate about it, so eager to fight for your client, so fervent about bringing them justice. The fire in you, it's just incredible. I don't feel that. I did at first, but it's faded over time because it's not my passion. Christ, you've seen the way I devour the Washington Post and know how obsessed I am with watching CNN. I've always loved both sides of the law. We've discussed that plenty of times. And I love working for a firm like Swan and Volturi, I really do, but the more experience I get, the more I realize I am headed in the wrong direction. About a year ago, I started feeling restless. It nagged at me, but I kept hoping it would go away. In the last six months, though, I've become more and more sure about my feelings. If I want to be happy in my professional life, I have to look for something else. I want to make a difference, and this could be my chance. The idea of even having a chance to be a part of law-making process thrills me more than any case I've taken in the last few years. "
"But, this is so—why didn't you tell me this earlier?"
"I … I wasn't sure it would happen. I wanted to wait until I had something concrete. My dad pulled some strings. It would open so many doors for me. For us . . . ."
I ran my hand through my hair, trying to wrap my head around what he was telling me. "Riley, I can't just leave the firm. You know Charlie is about to retire and Aro is already halfway out the door. That leaves Alec and me to take over. You know how I feel about Alec. I can't just pick up, move all the way across the country, and leave Swan and Volturi in his hands. You and I were going to run it together.
"Why can't you get involved in state and local government? There are tons of opportunities right here in the bay you could tap into. Hell, your father plays golf with the Mayor and half the board of supervisors! You want to make a difference? San Francisco is one of the hottest centers for liberal activism—this is the best place to try to make a difference! It may be a slightly different position, but I'm sure there are plenty of opportunities here." My voice had risen substantially, and a few people around us were staring with concern.
He shook his head and reached for my hand again. "I thought about it, Bella. But I really have my heart set on a federal position. The scope of state law isn't what I'm interested in and I want to go bigger than that. I don't want to change the city, or the state; I want to change the country. Trust me, I've been thinking about this for a while. I've considered this from every angle, but I know, deep down, that a federal position is what I want. Besides, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity they've given me."
"Given you, as in you've already accepted? Without even talking to me first . . . ? What about me?" I asked, the hurt clear in my voice. Had he even considered my feelings about this? I couldn't believe that he had just decided to go ahead with this without even talking to me. We had always discussed everything together before making any major decision. "Am I supposed to just pack up and start from scratch? Abandon Charlie and the practice, leave our friends, leave our apartment? Leave our life?"
"N-No, I haven't accepted the offer yet," he stuttered. "I wanted to talk to you first. Bella, I don't want to accept the job if you won't go with me, but won't you even consider it? You could work for a firm there or even open your own office if you wanted! This could be a new start for us." Riley pulled my hand forward against his heart and pleaded with me through his expression.
I felt tears prick at my eyes. "How can you ask me this, Riley? I . . . I thought you were going to propose." A tear fell, rolling down my cheek.
He looked stricken. "Oh, Bella, you know how much I want to marry you. I just . . . we need to figure this out." He released my hand back to the table and looked down at both our ring fingers. "This is important to me, Bella," he said quietly, a hint of defeat in his tone.
We both fell silent as my eyes followed his. "Riley—" I sniffled, brushing the tear away, "—I need some time to think. I'm sorry." I looked up at him, trying to convey my apologies for getting so worked up. "Your dreams are important to me; you just took me by surprise with this. What about my dream? I never even saw this coming. You've caught me completely off-guard. It's not exactly what I was expecting when we came here tonight," I said, my heart sinking as my throat began to constrict. "I'd like to go home if you don't mind."
He nodded and discreetly signaled for the waiter to bring us the check. Riley paid and we left together, not hand-in-hand as we'd walked in, but inches apart that felt like miles. Instead of going straight to the car, we walked along the pier again in complete silence. The sun had set and it was dark, the fog growing heavier by the minute. The slap of the waves against the shore and the sounds of traffic passing behind us were all that broke the silence. I stopped and stared out over the black water, trying to see past the dense fog rolling into the lighthouse on Alcatraz Island. Riley stood beside me and, although I struggled to say something, I couldn't manage even a sound. I felt nauseated and dizzy. How could this be happening? How could we have ended up here? I was going to lose him.
"I'm sorry, Bella," Riley took my hand, pulling me into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around me and I breathed him in deep, holding his scent within me, unable to force myself to let go. If I let go, I was letting him go. His arms were the only thing keeping me standing. Surely, if he released me, I'd collapse.
I kept replaying his words in my mind, "Move to D.C. with me." It was like watching a car accident over and over. How could I move D.C.? How could I change things to make it work? How could I keep Riley and stay at the firm? My mind was frantically searching for an answer, trying to come up with a solution. No matter which way I looked it didn't work. I felt anxious, as if I was about to have a panic attack.
How had I not seen this coming? Shouldn't I have been able to see that Riley wasn't happy? It made me sick to think that he'd been going to work, miserable with his job. And for how long? How long had he been unhappy and holding back from telling me? I knew he'd done it for me but I couldn't bear the thought of him being miserable at Swan and Volturi.
As Riley held me, I relished in his comfort. We stood like that as if wrapped up in a bubble where the previous conversation didn't exist and everything was as it had been this morning. As I breathed in and out, trying to focus on him and him alone, my mind kept drifting to the cloud now looming over us. The more I tried to fight it, the more it seemed to rain down on me, forcing me to face the situation. The more I thought about it, the more I realized Riley needed to go. He was right that this was his opportunity, and he'd be a fool to pass it up. As much as I knew it would kill me, I couldn't force him to stay here just because of me. If he wasn't happy here, then eventually we wouldn't be happy.
I nodded, still unable to speak as I buried my head against his chest and tears filled my eyes. The hurt closed my throat and I felt myself begin to shake. Finally, in a weak voice I said the words I knew would shatter my heart into a million, razor-sharp pieces. "You have to go." It took all the strength I had to barely whisper the words. As soon as they left my mouth, I felt myself crumble.
He took a step back, his arms still holding me upright, and looked at me, confusion on his face. "I can't hold you back. I couldn't live with myself, day after day, knowing you were only staying here, giving up your dream for me." The look on his face as he realized what I'd said caused pain to shoot through every inch of my body. He understood. My heart burst as his lips parted slightly and he tried to form a response.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, tears filling his eyes, as well.
We both knew we'd reached a decision. He was going to D.C. and I was staying in San Francisco. This was the end of us. I clutched at my throat, needing to speak, needing to find words to tell him it would be all right, but nothing came out. It felt like someone was choking me. There was no air and the world around me slowly started to cave in. I shook my head wildly as the invisible fingers clutched tighter.
Riley rushed forward to take me in his arm but at the same time, the fog swirled around his feet, wrapping around his knees, and up his thighs, enveloping him. His torso disappeared behind the mist, and it crept up his neck. His blue eyes and his outstretched hand were the last thing I saw. The gripping tightness finally left my throat and I called out in a wordless howl of agony.
"Riley, no! Please, don't go, Riley," I cried out.
"Bella," he called, reaching for me.
"Don't leave me," I whimpered.
"Bella, you have to wake up. You're having a nightmare." A worried voice broke through the muddled haze of the dream. Disoriented, I felt myself snap back into wakefulness. My breathing was harsh and ragged in the quiet room, and I was sweaty and disheveled. I wiped away the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand. Grateful that he was okay, I threw myself at him and hugged him tightly. "Riley, you're all right."
"Riley is fine. It was a bad dream." It wasn't Riley whose arms were cradling me with such tenderness.
I pulled back to see Edward looking stricken. "Oh, Edward … I'm so. . . ."
Nightmares about Riley were nothing new, but I had managed to always hide them or play them off to Edward before.
"Please. Don't. You had a bad dream. We'll leave it at that."
Sick with guilt, I slid out of the bed and picked up my robe where it had been discarded the night before.
"You aren't leaving, are you?" His voice sounded raw and wounded.
"I need some fresh air."
I made my way down the winding staircase and out to the patio. I closed the door behind me and lifted my face to the night sky, trying to quell the sick feeling in my stomach. The air was cold and thick, the fog just starting to roll in off the bay. I heard the door open and then close, but Edward didn't speak. I wrapped the thin silk tighter around my body and stared at the glittering stars above.
I could hear him breathing in the silent night air. In and out. But he didn't say a word. I was sick with guilt at the way I was treating Edward. He deserved better. My heart screamed at me to apologize again and throw myself into his arms, but I remained frozen, afraid to even voice the words that were in my head.
Finally, I forced the words past my lips. "Why do you let me do this to you, Edward?"
He sighed and took a deep breath before leaning back against the patio wall. He didn't speak for a long time, but I knew he had heard me.
"I can't walk away," he said finally.
The guilt spiked like a knife, and I clutched my chest, overwhelmed by the promise behind those words. He was telling me he would never leave me. But how could I trust that? I had been awful to Edward, and yet he was giving me everything I needed. Far more than I deserved.
"I don't understand."
"You don't have to." He stepped closer, and I could feel the heat from his body behind me. "You just have to trust me."
"I do," I whispered. "It's myself I don't trust."
"I know." He touched a hand to my arm and I felt the warmth of his skin and the comfort it always provided. "Come back to bed."
"Give me a minute. I just need a minute alone."
He hesitated and then let out a heavy sigh as if reluctant to leave me there.
"Okay." He pressed a kiss to the top of my head and it was so tender that I had to close my eyes to keep from crying. "I'll be waiting."
He went inside with one last lingering look back at me, and I took a seat in one of the lounge chairs, tilting my head back to stare up at the sky. A lump rose in my throat, remembering the weeks that followed Riley's announcement. I had honestly believed I was on the verge of having it all—the man I loved, the career I wanted, and a family. Being forced down a path that was completely foreign to me left me feeling insecure and vulnerable. The time spent between Riley and I before he left for Washington became precious and fleeting. We both tried to carry on as if it would be okay but the solemn atmosphere that settled around us was undeniable. We were falling apart and it was ripping my heart out.
We talked constantly, desperately trying to find a way to make a long-distance relationship work, but it was impossible. His future in D.C. and my future in San Francisco were no longer compatible. It was one thing to date and live across the country from each other, but it was quite another to marry and raise a family that way.
With the threat of Alec taking over the firm and ruining my family's legacy, as much as I desperately wanted to, I couldn't go with Riley. Our futures no longer included each other.
It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but I had to do it. I had to let him go.
Once Riley actually left, I felt as though I'd died. Days passed and it was all I could do to even get out of bed. Breathing hurt. Sunlight was offensive. Food was immaterial. The silence was the only solace I took comfort in and solitude was the only companion I wanted. I took a week off work for personal time because I simply just couldn't be around people. But as time passed, the daunting reality slowly set in and I was able to carry on—all but a shadow of the woman I was before.
A shiver snapped my attention back to the present. Realizing I was cold and uncomfortable after sitting out on Edward's patio in a thin robe, I dried my tears, cleared my head, and stood up. Edward was awake and the light beside the bed was on when I got up to the bedroom. He held out his arms, and I crawled into the bed beside him. He didn't speak, merely held me, and once again, I wondered what on earth I had done to deserve someone who cared so much for me. I lay with my head on his chest for a long time, listening to the steady, comforting beat of his heart before I finally spoke.
"I'm sorry, Edward; I can't tell you how sorry I am," I said quietly, tilting my head up to look at him.
He smoothed the hair away from my face and met my eyes. "I know you are. I'm not going anywhere."
I drew in a deep shuddering breath. "I hate that I'm hurting you."
"Then don't," he said simply. "I know you still love Riley. You aren't ready to fully move on, I understand that. Just give me a chance to help you. Let me in, Bella. I hate not knowing if you're going to run from me when nights like this happen. I hate feeling like I could lose you at any moment. You scared me tonight at the restaurant."
"You want to know what happened?"
He gathered me back into his arms, settling me against his chest. "Yes."
I took a deep breath, swallowing the lump in my throat. "That was the restaurant where Riley told me he got the job in D.C."
I could feel his breath hitch and the gentle circles he'd begun to rub on my arm stopped. "Bella, I never would have taken you there if I'd known," he said passionately. "Fuck, I should have told you where we were going. I know you said something about it on the run we took together, but it didn't even cross my mind when Alice set up the reservation. I'm so sorry."
"I know. It's not your fault," I reassured him.
"Why didn't you tell me? The minute we pulled up to the restaurant, you could have told me you needed to leave. I saw you start to shut down, but I had no idea why."
I turned to look at him. "What would I have said? 'Edward, call your sister and make plans to meet her somewhere else. I'm too emotionally fucked up to have dinner here,'?'" I asked sarcastically. "I don't want to be like this. I don't want to fall apart every time I think about something from my past."
"You aren't emotionally fucked up. But you are fragile, Bella." His voice was gentle, but firm. "I think you need to be a little more honest with yourself about that and a lot more honest with me. If I know more about you, I won't put us in a situation that I know will be hard for you, like I did tonight."
I nodded. "I'm just trying to be normal."
"I know." He smoothed my hair down across my shoulders and pulled me closer. "But how are we going to do this if you can't be upfront with me?"
"I don't know." My voice sounded hollow and dead.
"I'm not ready to give up on you," he said, sounding absolute. "Just tell me you'll try."
I didn't hesitate. "I'll try."
Again, we're terribly sorry this is such a heavy chapter. It randomly fell on Valentine's day and there was nothing we could do other than skip a week. Hopefully though, this chapter shed some light on what really happened between Bella and Riley. Let us know what you think; what choice would you have made given the position these two were in? Anyone out there Team Riley now?
We want to take a moment to say thank you to all of those who voted for Lose the One You Love over at the Lemonade Stand. It made Top 5 and we couldn't be more proud. This story has been such adventure for us both.
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