Chapter 4: Leap of Faith

To Olivia's surprise they didn't end up at some stuffy over priced restaurant. She looked at Alex suspiciously as they pulled up to a high-rise on the Upper East Side. Alex was definitely surprising her at every turn tonight. They had ended up back at Alex's penthouse. No explanations were given. Alex had simply shown her inside, sat her down, and handed her a glass of wine.

"I thought we were going to have dinner?" Olivia finally asked.

"We are, just not at a restaurant. I'm going to cook it for us."

Olivia's face told Alex everything she needed to know. She couldn't help herself. She actually laughed out loud at the apparent fear on the usually stoic detective's face. She thought it was absolutely adorable.

"Relax Olivia. I can actually cook."

"Sorry Alex. It's just that… you once testified in court that you set your own stove on fire."

Alex laughed again as she placed a crisp white apron over her dress and began preparing their dinner. Olivia picked up her wine glass and moved closer, taking a seat on a bar stool on the other side of the island and watched as her friend moved gracefully in her kitchen. Olivia noticed how comfortable Alex looked. It was also kind of sexy.

"And it was very true. I did cause a small fire. I was never much of a cook back then, but you are forced to learn a lot when you're in a small town in the middle of nowhere with no take-out options. It was either learning to cook, starving, or eating McDonald's every night." She shrugged her shoulders, giving Olivia a wry look. "I grew tired of the nuggets really quickly."

Olivia became fascinated with this new side of Alex. She was more open than
she had ever been. The blonde had never actually spoken to her about her time in Witsec, not even with Olivia. Olivia found herself hanging on Alex's every word.

"So, you learned to cook huh?"

Alex nodded. "Mmhmm…" She stopped for a moment and slipped into the other room. Olivia heard soft jazz music begin to play. Alex picked up the conversation as she returned to the kitchen.

"I had been in my first location for nearly three months. I wasn't adjusting too well and my handler was encouraging me to find a hobby to help take my mind off of things." She rolled her eyes. "As if that would help. Anyway, I was reading the paper one day and saw that the community center offered a culinary class. After I had tried just about everything on the menu at the local fast food restaurants, I signed up hoping that I could just learn how to make a few things to get by on my own. Turned out the instructor was a real chef. She made it enjoyable so I kept going back. It kept me occupied and made things… a little easier."

"You said first location. Did you have to move around a lot?" Olivia asked hoping Alex would continue opening up.

Alex turned off the burner and started plating the food, which Olivia had to admit smelled absolutely divine.

"Well, you already know I was Emily Sullivan, a claims adjuster for an insurance company in Wisconsin. After the Connor's Trial, I was moved again. I became Stephanie Watson, a junior high school English teacher in Nebraska. They knew I had minored in English as an undergrad and figured I could manage teaching. That only lasted for about three or four months though. Apparently, I don't have the temperament to be a good teacher." Alex gave Olivia a wounded look. "Believe me when I say, I have a completely new appreciation for all teachers around the world. It is definitely a calling."

Olivia laughed. "I'll bet."

"Then I went to Wilcox, Arizona. Believe it or not, it wasn't too bad there. I was actually a receptionist at the local news station. My name was Angie Peters and apparently I was a Republican. Can you believe it?"

Olivia laughed at the horrified look on Alex's face. When the laughter died down, Alex's voice became softer.

"I had kind of gotten used to being there when the marshals came and moved me in the middle of the night. The only thing they told me was that my identity had been compromised. I hadn't made many friends, just a couple of people from work." She paused for a moment. "I never even got to say goodbye to them. I hated that."

Olivia eyed her closely. She could see a little sadness in her eyes.

"So where'd you end up after that?" she asked quietly.

Alex lifted the plates and jerked her head for the brunette to follow. Olivia followed her into the next room which turned out to be a separate dining room. The table had been beautifully set with white linens and gleaming flatware. The soft lighting of candles around the room gave it a romantic atmosphere. She raised a brow at the setting which Alex chose to ignore. Once everything was in its place, Alex took off her apron and pulled Olivia's chair out for her.

Once seated, Alex waited for Olivia to taste her food. She watched in appreciation as the brunette closed her eyes and moaned.

"Alex, this is amazing. You really can cook."

"Try not to sound so surprised, Detective." She said with a smile. "I'm just glad my cooking classes are finally paying off."

"So, you never answered my question. Where did you end up after Arizona?"

"Oh. After my little stay in Wilcox, I became Sarah Johnson, a pre-law professor at a small college in Iowa."

Olivia grinned. "They actually let you do something related to your original field?"

Alex sipped her wine and nodded. "Same thing I thought when they moved me. To be honest, I think the marshals were so tired of me giving them a hard time and moving me around that they just gave in. I ended up staying there for about a year and a half until I was able to come home for good."

"Wow. I wonder if those college kids knew they were learning from one of the greatest legal minds around."

Alex blushed at the compliment and looked down. "You're much to kind. I wasn't that great in the beginning. I had to learn really quickly that students don't walk into a law class knowing the law already. It was a humbling experience, but a good one. I finally got the hang of it and I think I might have done some good." She shrugged her shoulders. "I still missed being home more than anything, but being able to have some part of my old life made living a lie every day a little more bearable."

"Is that what it felt like… living a lie?"

Alex thought for a moment before answering. "In a way, yes. I felt like the worst liar in the world. Every interaction, conversation, everything about me was based on this lie that had been created for me. Those years were the loneliest years of my life. I had to be so careful of what I said and how I acted. I was always afraid I'd slip up and say the wrong thing. I spent a lot of time by myself because it was just easier to keep everyone around me at a distance."

Alex grew quiet and there was a thick silence between them. Olivia cleared her throat and broke the silence first.

"Alex, I'm sorry for bringing all of this up. I can tell that was a difficult time for you. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for you."

"It couldn't have been easy for you either." Alex responded softly. "You may not believe me, but I do realize that I wasn't the only person affected. I hope you know that."

Olivia immediately started to tense up. "It doesn't matter. It's all water under the bridge now."

"Actually, I don't think it is." She looked down and toyed with the napkin in her lap. "I know you want to know why I came back and never called; why I've been… distant still."

There it was again. This was the gigantic pink elephant in the room that they had tried to pretend didn't exist for so long. Alex had finally brought it up, but Olivia wasn't so sure she was ready to deal with it.

"Alex, we really don't have to do this." Olivia made a move to stand.

"Please. Just… don't go." Alex reached out and placed her hand over Olivia's keeping her in place. "I was so happy when I got the news that Velez had died in prison. I never thought I would rejoice in anyone's death, even his… but I did. He was gone and no longer a threat, so I could return home. I could have my life back."

Olivia slowly sat back down, but continued to hold Alex's hand.

"I thought coming home would make everything okay again, but..." She slowly shook her head and took a deep breath. "… nothing was the same. My mother was gone. It didn't really hit me until I was actually back. My other family welcomed me home, but with a healthy degree of suspicion as well as anger."

"Anger?"

Alex nodded. "Yes, anger. Many of them couldn't understand why I hadn't trusted them enough to let them know the truth in the first place. They just couldn't understand. Everything was just so strange. Everyone else had moved on with their lives while I was still stuck in this…this limbo. So, I tried to pick up what was left of my life and move on as well. I just didn't handle it very well. My job was no longer my job. SVU had a new ADA. There was no place for me there anymore. Suddenly because I'd taken a bullet, Arthur Branch thought that meant I deserved to be promoted to Bureau Chief. Overnight, I became the new darling of One Hogan Place and on the front page of every paper. I guess it's true what they say, the public loves a good story with a hero."

Alex took a few moments before continuing. "The problem was I didn't feel like a hero. I couldn't feel anything at all. I was just numb. So, I threw myself back into the only thing that was familiar…work. I threw myself into a job that I really didn't want because that was what I had grown used to doing while I was in the program. I was home but I was still pretending to be someone else. The only difference was 'Alex Cabot' was my identity this time. Then, came Robert. I met Robert Young at a charity benefit in honor of my mother and he seemed nice and understanding so we started dating."

Olivia really didn't want to hear this part of the story, but she remained quiet.

"He seemed to want the same things I wanted or what I thought I wanted. When he asked me to marry him…" Alex shrugged. "I said yes. I guess I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I knew I wasn't in love with him and so did he. The fact that I couldn't sleep with my own fiancé should have been a huge clue but he said he didn't mind; we could wait until we were married." Alex shook her head sadly. "I think he thought he could love me enough for the both of us."

"That still doesn't explain why you never called me. Alex, you were my friend… my best friend." Olivia said blinking back tears. "I would have been there for you."

Alex shook her head blinking away her own tears. "I know and I am truly sorry… truly sorry that I hurt you. You don't know how many times I picked up the phone and dialed your number only to hang up."

"But why?"

"Because the thought of seeing you again… talking to you was the only thing I could feel…. and it hurt too much."

Olivia looked wounded. This time, she couldn't blink away the large tear that cascaded down her cheek.

"Oh. No. Sweetheart, I don't mean it like that." Alex reached out and gently wiped the tear way before gently cupping Olivia's cheek. "I knew that I was a complete and utter mess, Olivia." She ignored the tears falling from her own eyes. "I wasn't myself. I wasn't the Alex Cabot that you had once known. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to be that person again. I couldn't bear to see the disappointment in your eyes when you realized that she actually died out there on that sidewalk that night."

Something in Olivia's chest tightened at the thought. "Alex, I would have never…"

"I know that now. A part of me knew it back then." She pulled her hand away from Olivia's cheek and wiped her own tears away. "But you have to understand that I had hit rock bottom. I realized that I was in real trouble when I slept with a co-worker that I knew I didn't care anything about… hoping that I'd be able to feel… something… anything again. It only made things worse. I just felt… dirty. I did the one thing that I had never done. I had cheated. Even if I didn't love Robert, he still deserved my fidelity."

Olivia flinched slightly. Alex hesitated before she continued allowing the other woman to take everything in. She knew it was a lot, but she couldn't afford not being honest about it all… good and bad.

"That's when I took a leave of absence and started seeing a therapist. I started taking the steps I needed to take to get myself… my life back. When I finally did come back to work, I asked Branch for a reassignment so that I could decide what type of future I wanted to have in the DA's office, or even if I wanted a future there at all. There were a lot of things in my life that I wanted to change… starting with you. I had planned on contacting you before I was sent back to work SVU cases. I swear to you that I didn't even know what kind of case it was until I arrived and saw you and Elliot there on the scene. Believe me when I say that I was just as thrown by seeing you there as you were to see me."

Alex waited for Olivia to respond. The brunette said nothing as she stood and walked out of the room. Alex remained seated feeling bereft. A few moments later, she found Olivia standing in front of the floor-to-ceiling panoramic windows that made up the entire left wall. The room was dark and the 59th Street Bridge was lit up in the distant background. Alex just stood there and watched her for a few moments. With the city as her backdrop, Olivia had never looked more breathtaking.

"After I saw you that day, I went home and gave Robert his ring back that same night." Alex said softly. Olivia never turned around. Alex moved closer until she was standing right behind her. "He was a good man. He had forgiven me for… everything and had tried to understand through it all but I couldn't do it anymore. I told him that I would never be able to give him my heart because it already belonged to someone else."

After a long pause, Olivia finally spoke. Her voice was quiet and thick with emotion. "Alex, why are you telling me all this now? We were working together for months before you decided to leave again and you always kept your distance."

"I don't know. I guess I thought we could just go back to the way things used to be. I thought if I kept you away, I could keep all those old feelings from coming back. I just didn't know how hard that would be."

"Why did you ask me to dinner tonight, Alex?"

Alex knew exactly what the other woman was really asking. She could see the reflection of the detective's face in the window. She could see the tears on her cheeks.

"Isn't it obvious, Olivia?"

Olivia released a sob and pressed her forehead to the smooth glass. "Alex…"

"Don't you think it's time for us to stop running from this… from one another?" Alex placed her hand gently on the brunette's back. She could feel her tremble.

The heat from Alex's hand ran through her body like a wild-fire. She felt light-headed and closed her eyes. Feeling the blonde step closer, she finally turned around. She found herself swimming in a sea of blue. Alex was standing so close; she could feel her breath on her cheek. Brown eyes met blue and stared.

'Time to put your money where mouth is,' Alex said to herself.

"Olivia, I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember. The one thing that kept me alive all those lonely years was my love for you." Alex whispered as her hands gently cupped the brunette's face. "I know I don't deserve you; I know that. I have been selfish. I have been unfeeling and unkind, but I am asking you to forgive me. I know that I hurt you so badly… And even if you never feel the same way…"

"Shut up."

Alex blinked feeling her heart clinch.

"Just… shut up." Olivia held up a hand putting her fingers over Alex's lips. Alex closed her eyes and leaned into her touch. She took a moment to gently caress that magnificent face before her; the face she never thought she'd have the right to touch this way.

Alex opened her eyes and saw the soft grin on the detective's face. She tried to speak only to have Olivia press her fingers more firmly and shake her head. "Stop it. I mean it. If you keep talking, you'll just ruin it."

Alex raised a brow in question which made Olivia's smile grow. "You are so… so incredibly beautiful. Do you know that?"

With Olivia's fingers still in place, Alex was forced to just shake her head.

"You are. You are absolutely stunning; you always have been." Olivia looked at her in complete wonder. "You're standing here…" She glanced around the room. "…in this beautiful place, looking the way you do… telling me that you love me. I just want to take it all in for a second."

Alex stood in silence allowing Olivia to have her moment. She would do whatever Olivia asked no matter the request.

"Are you sure?" Olivia suddenly blurted.

The question was asked so urgently that it surprised Alex. She blinked and mumbled through the fingers on her lips. Olivia actually let out a small giggle. Alex thought it was so adorable, she was certain she had just fallen in love a little deeper.

"Sorry." Olivia mumbled as she removed her hand.

Alex never took her eyes off Olivia's as she took her hand and slowly brought it to her lips. She placed the gentlest kiss on the palm of her love's hand. Staring into brown, Alex spoke clearly and without hesitation.

"Olivia, you're the love of my life."

Olivia thought her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. She could barely breathe. "That's… good. That's really good because I love you… so much."

For the first time in years, Alex felt like she was finally home… like every piece of her life had finally fallen back into place. She let out a deep breath in relief. She took the last leap off the cliff and pulled Olivia into her arms.

It was hard to tell who kissed whom. They just met somewhere in the middle and found one another. The kiss seemed to go on forever. Olivia had heard all the sappy stories about first kisses and how people would hear violins and all that other cheesy crap. But, standing there with Alex 'fucking' Cabot in her arms suddenly made all of those stories pale in comparison. She literally ached for this woman.

Apparently, all the medical studies about the human body needing oxygen to survive had merit and Alex finally pulled away. She draped her arms around Olivia's neck as Olivia's found her waist. They held one another as close as possible. Alex had never felt such peace. She wanted to stay in this woman's embrace forever. Olivia leaned back and put their foreheads together. They smiled shyly at each other.

"Can we do that all the time now?" Alex whispered.

Olivia chuckled. "We can do whatever you want, Counselor."

Alex leaned back and laughed so beautifully that Olivia's breath caught in her throat. She had a mischievous twinkle in her blue eyes. "You have no idea what you're in for, Detective."

For some reason, Olivia didn't think she'd mind much at all.