Chapter 9

Alice didn't see Bruce again for a long time. She couldn't see him. Every time she even thought about him, panic would well up inside her and she'd have to sit down and take deep breaths to keep from hyperventilating. She was terrified. It was ironic. She'd known for months about the creature that lurked under his skin, the destruction that was waiting to be unleashed, had seen what it could do and hadn't even blinked. And now, faced with the possibility of telling him her own secret, she was petrified.

Despite her refusal to see him, she still continued to work as his liaison to the people of Kolkata. After all, they still came to her for help and she couldn't turn them away. So she made appointments and texted patient information, but when he texted her back or tried to call her, she ignored him.

PATIENT PAID IN CURRY. NOT TOO SPICY. COME OVER?

COULD PROBABLY USE YOUR HELP ON THIS. MEET ME?

I'M OUT OF EXCUSES. JUST WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.

ALICE I'M SORRY. PLEASE ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME FOREVER.

That last message came a couple of weeks after the night by the fire. And she still couldn't read it without feeling her chest constrict.

"Alice, are you alright?"

She snapped the phone shut and shoved it in her pocket. Ambi was staring at her, a stack of bills forgotten in her hand. Alice tried to smile, but she knew it was weak.

"Sure, I'm fine."

"You are so pale," Ambi said, reaching out to touch Alice's cheek with her slender fingers, "Are you sick? Maybe Dr. Banner…"

"I'm fine, Ambi!" Alice said, jerking away from the touch.

Ambi looked hurt and Alice immediately felt horrible.

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice calmer, "I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It is okay," Ambi said, turning back to the money in the drawer, "I just worry about you."

"I know, but really, I'm fine," Alice said, trying to strengthen her smile, to look a bit more sincere.

Ambi did not look convinced and Alice felt her stomach drop. She was losing her touch. There had been a time when she would not have had to make these excuses, when her emotions hadn't lived so openly on her face, when her smiles had appeared genuine without any effort. It had been so easy. So why was it so difficult now?

Alice didn't hear from Bruce again. The days passed, a week went by, and no messages, no calls. If it weren't for news from the people who came to her for help, she might have thought that he had left Kolkata, disappeared as he had threatened to do so long ago. She knew this wasn't so, but the thought made her consider her own decision to stay in Kolkata for so long. She had been here almost a year, the longest that she had stayed in one place since she was sixteen. And she was starting to remember why she had never remained in one place for too long. She'd become emotionally invested, not just with Bruce, but the Takeris as well, something she had never allowed before. It was easy to maintain a certain distance from strangers, but one could only spend so much time with the same people before attachments were formed. And she knew that somehow she had far surpassed that limit. It was time to move on.

On a warm afternoon, as she was staring blankly into space thinking of how she would break the news to the Takeris, the bell above the door tinkled. She sat up and shifted her focus.

Bruce stood in the doorway. Alice felt her chest seize up, her heart stop beating, and she froze like a doe that had just seen a hunter take aim from his tree stand. Bruce didn't move either, only his eyes flickered over her, taking in her entire appearance in a glance. His face was unreadable. Alice had no idea what he was thinking when he looked at her. Without intending to, she noted the dark circles under his eyes and how tired it made him look. She wondered how much he was working and if he was sleeping, before she remembered it wasn't her problem.

As if to compensate for her lapse in control, she put on the stoniest expression she could muster.

"What are you doing here, Bruce?" she asked flatly.

He didn't even flinch and, though she didn't want to, Alice had to give him some credit for that. His eyes narrowed and his words were clipped short.

"Well, you didn't give me much of a choice. You wouldn't answer your phone."

"Did it occur to you that there might be a reason for that?" Alice snipped, "Look Bruce, nothing personal, I just…"

Bruce held out a hand to stop her.

"I know," he said, his voice softer now, apologetic, "Alice, I know, and I'm sorry, I really am. We don't have to talk about anything. I know better than anyone what it is to keep secrets and what it means to give them up. I've been keeping secrets my entire life. They aren't things that you bargain with and I shouldn't have tried to pry them out of you like that. You aren't obligated to tell me anything. Sharing my life with you, that's my decision and it has nothing to do with what you share with me. And I'm so sorry that I tried to use that, Alice, I'm so, so sorry, and I swear to you that it will never happen again."

She wanted to believe him. She wanted to forgive him. But she knew that what he was saying, what he was promising, wasn't possible. No matter what he said, those questions and doubts would always hang over them. She couldn't bring herself to share with him the way he wanted her to. It was like a dark cloud of inequality, of distrust. That was what happened when you allowed yourself to get emotionally involved. And she had to admit, she was definitely emotionally involved with Bruce, whether she had meant for it to happen or not.

"Bruce…"

What she wanted to say was how sorry she was that she had allowed this to continue, that she forgave him, that she had never meant for this to happen.

Instead, what came out was, "I'm leaving Kolkata."

It was the only solution. Because if she stayed, she wouldn't be able to stay away. And if he learned the truth of who she was, what she believed, and how she felt, it would ruin everything. It was just a matter of time. And if it was all the same, she would rather be the one to do the leaving.

Bruce's face went slack for a moment. Then he hardened it quickly.

"When?"

She didn't know when she was leaving. She'd only made the decision final a few seconds ago.

"I… I don't know. Soon. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I haven't even told the Takeris."

Bruce nodded, but she could see his mind working, turning over the information.

"Holi is tomorrow," he said finally.

The sudden shift in conversation startled her and she had to regroup.

"Yeah," she said, "Yeah, we're closing the shop."

Bruce's face lit up as a thought grabbed hold of him.

"Spend the day with me."

Alice just stared at him for a minute. She couldn't seem to make her voice work.

"Before you decide," Bruce said, taking a step closer, "Before you do anything, just spend Holi with me."

"I… I don't…" Alice stuttered, but she still couldn't seem to get any proper sentences to come out.

Bruce's jaw was set with determination. He had the same look on his face that he got when there was a particularly difficult patient in front of him.

"Come on," he said, the hint of a smile on his lips, "It'll be fun. Holi is all about new beginnings. What better day to make the decision to start over?"

She knew that she shouldn't. It was a bad idea. She'd already made the decision, she was leaving, why drag out the inevitable? It was pointless.

But when she looked at Bruce the only thing she could think to say was, "Okay."

He smiled at her tentatively. Despite herself, Alice smiled back.

"Okay," she said again, with a little more confidence this time.

There was a pause.

"Oh!" Bruce exclaimed, and as if he'd just remembered he was holding it, he pulled a garland of little white flowers from behind his back and handed it to her with a shrug, "I saw these on the way here, and thought flowers couldn't hurt, right?"

Alice's breath caught in her throat as she reached out and took the flowers. The soothing scent of jasmine filled her nose and she breathed deep.

"Thank you," she said softly.

The doorbell tinkled and Alice jumped. It was Halim. He stood in the doorway for a moment, his eyes flicking back and forth between Bruce and Alice. Then he smiled so cheekily that Alice felt herself blush. After the two men exchanged a handshake and a few pleasantries, Bruce turned to leave, but paused at the door, turning back and pointing at Alice.

"Don't you dare stand me up."

Alice could feel Halim's eyes on her, but she answered as nonchalantly as she could.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Bruce grinned and left. Halim began to count out the money, but he kept stealing sly glances in her direction until Alice couldn't handle it anymore.

"What?" she snapped, but her voice was much more pleasant than she had really meant for it to be.

Halim smiled and turned back to the money.

"Ambi will be pleased that you have made friends with the doctor again. She worries about you."

"Well, she shouldn't," Alice said, crossing her arms over her chest, "I'm just fine."

Halim nodded.

"Of course, you are."

He finished counting the drawer and Alice grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder. She tried to get the garland of jasmine into her bag inconspicuously, but Halim spotted it.

"Oh no, you should wear it!" he said, taking it from her hand and placing it on her head, arranging the tiny white flowers delicately.

The scent filled her nose and calmed her erratically beating heart. She suddenly felt as if everything was going to work itself out. It wasn't a feeling she was used to, but she certainly didn't mind it.

"There," Halim said, stepping back and surveying his work, "Now you are beautiful."

Alice grinned.

"You mean I wasn't beautiful before?"

Halim was unfazed.

"You were pretty before. Beautiful is about how you feel inside. Now you are beautiful."

Alice was struck with so much emotion that she actually thought about hugging him, but she resisted. She was leaving soon.

"Thank you, Halim," she said instead.

He smiled.

"Have a good day tomorrow, Miss Ripley." He said.

Alice left, and though the scent of the flowers remained, the calm certainty had disappeared.