Happy Friday, readers. Sorry this is posting a day late. We were set and ready to go but then realized we needed to rethink things. Anyhow, here are the songs we chose for this chapter. "Falling" by The Civil Wars www#youtube#com/watch?v=tkxFA7nzLFg and "So Far Away" by Staind www#youtube#com/watch?v=wPW7T_tu3PM As always, here is the pictease: i42#tinypic#com/2urs16q#jpg We went a little abstract.

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We send our many thanks to LJ Summers and AshesAshes for their magical red pens. There is an additional note about them at the bottom of the chapter but I can't say it here without spoiling. Don't cheat and go read it, you'll just have to wait until the end. After you read, go check out AshesAshes story Love, Save the Empty—it's just about complete. LJ has many stories posted in addition to some published works! The most recent is titled Éire's Captive Moon and it's available on Amazon. See how snazzy she is and how lucky we are to have her? Send them some love; they really are awesome to work with.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Healing

"Talk?" Riley asked, and I nodded.

"Yeah. I . . . We shouldn't have done that, Riley," I said.

He sighed heavily and let his head fall back against the wall. His eyes were closed and I took a moment to just look at him. The strong chin, the full lips, the one eyebrow that was just slightly higher than the other; they were all the same. They belonged to the man I had loved so thoroughly for so long, and yet they didn't look the same. He was as handsome as he'd ever been, and yet . . . I didn't ache for him as I had before. There was no frantic desire clawing under my skin, no desperate need to be in his arms. The chemistry between us just wasn't the same.

He was different. I was different. And I had been a fool for thinking I could recreate what was already gone.

Riley lifted his head and looked me in the eye. "I know. That was a mistake and I shouldn't have let things get carried away."

"It doesn't feel right anymore," I said and looked down, fidgeting with my hands.

"You're right, we shouldn't have done that," he replied. "But I'm not going to lie and say there wasn't a part of me that wanted it to go further. I really love having you here, holding you in my arms again."

I nodded, all my words suddenly stuck in my throat.

We were both silent for a while, our breathing the only sound as we both struggled over what to say next. Eventually, Riley spoke. "It felt good to pretend like nothing had changed, like we were still together."

"But we're not," I said softly. "We're never going to be. As much time as I've spent the last year wanting you back, wanting more than anything to be back together with you, it doesn't change the fact that things ended between us when you left San Francisco. When you left, that part of our relationship died. I think I'm just now realizing that."

"I-I don't understand. . . ?"

"I've been lost without you. I think for a long time work was the only thing that kept me going. I didn't know what to do with myself when you left and it seemed no matter how I tried, I just felt like I was broken."

"Bella . . . ." he said with concern. "I thought this is what you wanted, what we both decided were best. If I'd known. . . ."

"You would have what? Come back? Given up your dreams for me? That wasn't the answer, Riley, and that's not what I wanted."

"What do you want?" His tone was soft and imploring. Not one of frustration but genuine curiosity.

"That's a loaded question." I took a deep breath and decided to just go for it. I needed to get things out in the open between us and tell him about Edward. "Riley, I've been seeing someone for the past few months."

"And. . . ." he said slowly.

"And it took me being here with you to realize that he's who I want." I shook my head, trying to wrap my brain around things as I processed the words I'd just said. While I knew they were true and felt them with everything in me, saying them aloud—and to Riley of all people—made my head spin.

"I see." Riley took a deep breath and got up to hobble over to look out the window. He leaned against the wall for support and stared out the window for several seconds before speaking again. "So this guy . . ." His words came out gruff so he cleared his throat and tried again. "Does he have a name? Is he a new hire at the firm?"

Recognizing this was hard for him, I chose my words carefully. "No, Edward's a curator. We met a while back at a place just down from my apartment. I wasn't looking for anything when I went out with him. I even told him as much several times."

"But you're seeing him now."

"Yes, he didn't give up when I tried to push him away over and over. He's been there for me in a way that I needed after you left."

Riley turned to look at me and I could see how tense his shoulders and neck were from our conversation. "And now you lo—have feelings for . . . Edward," he prompted.

"I do. Somehow, through it all, he helped me put myself back together. I'm not the same girl I was when you left, but I'm working on being whole again. . . ." My words trailed off at the end when I saw Riley take a deep breath, visibly trying to contain his emotions.

"I got to say, Bella, I'm not really sure how to feel or what to say here." I stood up, intending on going to him but he stopped me with his hand and cut me off before I could speak. "I mean, I understand what you're saying and I can't say I'm mad at him. Hell, you're smart, sexy, and beautiful inside and out. What guy wouldn't be interested in you? I just haven't exactly thought about being in this position, listening to you tell me about another guy you're seeing."

I looked down and nodded in understanding. "I didn't tell you this to make you upset. I just want you to understand why I stopped us earlier. I can't be with you when I have feelings for him."

Riley moved away from the window and came to sit next to me again on the bed. He reached for my hand and pulled it into his lap, running his thumb along my wrist. "Why didn't you tell me you were struggling? When I'd talk to you, you always seemed like things were fine."

"I didn't want you to know," I admitted. "I wanted to be strong for you so you would stay here in D.C. and continue pursuing your dreams."

"Fuck my dreams," he said hoarsely. "None of it matters if I hurt you."

"Please don't do that. Riley, it's okay. I told you to go and I don't regret that decision. . . ."

"Bella, I love my job and love being in Washington, but it hasn't been the same. I haven't been the same. To know that you might be feeling what I have been feeling for all these months. . . I just wish things would have played out differently I guess."

"Something I've learned this past year is that we can't control what life throws at us. I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with you and look where we're at. We're living on opposite sides of the country. It's okay that things happened the way they did. Sure it could have been different, but I look at you here and I can see that you're where you need to be. And since I've met Edward, I know where I need to be."

"So what about when you asked about trying a long-distance relationship?"

I laughed ruefully. "That wasn't exactly my finest moment. I shouldn't have done that and I think I knew it deep down. We'd just been talking and things were so comforting. I didn't want that to end."

"I never meant to string you along," Riley said. "I just . . . hearing your voice sometimes when we'd talk . . . it kept me going when I questioned why I was here. I could pretend like I'd come back from work and find you asleep here in this bed. That we were still together and that you'd come here with me to D.C. I wanted to believe you were still mine."

I swallowed hard, and it took a few minutes before I could compose myself enough to speak again. To hear he'd had lonely nights just like I did caused my heart to ache. Some nights I'd wanted him so badly. "Riley, I know you weren't doing it to be cruel, or to string me along. I never doubted that for a minute. But looking at it now? It made letting go so much harder. And I couldn't tell you to stop because I didn't want you to. I wanted to believe everything was going to be okay, that somehow we'd figure out a way to be together."

"You know, you're right about the fact that once I told you about the job, our future was over," he said.

"Do you ever wonder if maybe we didn't have problems before that though?" I asked. "I mean, you didn't tell me you were unhappy with being a lawyer. You just sprung the job in D.C. on me out of the blue. You should have told me you were looking. If we'd been communicating like we should have, I would have known you weren't happy with your job."

He sighed heavily and nodded. "I know; I should have. I just . . . I wasn't sure what I wanted. I wanted you and our life together, but I wanted this political career, too. Maybe I just kept trying to delay the inevitable. Delay having to make the choice to leave. And maybe I knew all along that you wouldn't go with me. You're right though; I should have been able to talk to you about anything, and it wasn't fair that I sprang it on you like that. I'm sorry," he said softly. "I hope you can forgive me."

"I do forgive you and I hope you forgive me, too," I replied.

"Bella, you know I love you, right?" he said, sincerity in his voice.

"I love you, too, Riley. It's just not in the same way as it was before. I love the boy I grew up with, and I love the man I was with for twelve years. I love the memory of what we had together but I'm . . . I'm not in love with you anymore. I—" I hesitated, unsure if I should say the words on the tip of my tongue.

He smiled sadly. "It's okay, you can say it."

I couldn't help the small smile that forced its way across my face and the words that bubbled out. "I'm in love with Edward," I said softly. Saying the words made my heart race, but it felt good. It felt right saying them aloud.

I watched Riley as he stared at the floor near my feet for a long moment. Finally, he took a deep breath, blew it out forcefully, and nodded his head. When his eyes met mine again, he said, "Then what are you doing here?" His tone was a little sad but resolute.

I wondered the same thing. I felt like I'd been to hell and back in the last few days, and now that I realized my feelings for Edward, all I could think about was getting back to San Francisco to try to salvage any sort of relationship that I could with him. "Well you see, someone very important to me was hit by an SUV and I wanted to make sure he was okay," I replied, thankful that the tone of our conversation had lightened.

As the air cleared between us, I could feel the weight of my past lifting from my shoulders. There was so much that hadn't been said between Riley and me but I felt like what really needed to be aired, we'd worked through.

"Bella, you're an amazing woman and Edward is one lucky bastard."

"I don't know that Edward will ever forgive me for the way I treated him, but I'm certainly going to try to fix things between us."

"You can't have done anything that awful," Riley comforted. "I know you, Bella, you're a good person. Sometimes you just need time. You'll be able to work it out and if you don't, well then as trite as it sounds, then it wasn't meant to be."

We sat quietly for a bit, no doubt searching for what to say next. I didn't exactly want to be talking about Edward with Riley, and I couldn't blame him for not wanting to hear it. Suddenly thoughts that had been lingering just under the surface for days came to mind. I didn't even realize it but before I could stop myself, the words just came tumbling out.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into my mother."

Riley turned his head and looked me, an odd expression on his face. "That's not possible, Bella. You're nothing like Renee."

I looked him square in the eyes, a serious expression on my face. "I'm more like her than I ever thought I'd be. I've been so wrapped up in my own problems, lately. I try so hard to do the right thing all the time but I'll admit, I've been completely self-absorbed over the last year."

"Well given the circumstances, I think you have the right to ask for a pass," he said, trying to make light of my concern.

"Riley, I'm serious."

"I know you are. But you've got to let that go. You're aware of it and as long as you tell yourself that you don't want to live your life that way or turn into your mother, I'm confident you won't. You're going to be okay," he reassured me. "And if not, well, it sounds like you have a Charlie of your own to keep you grounded."

His words caught me completely off guard and I turned to him, imploring him to explain. "What do you mean?"

"Just that it sounds like Edward is a lot like your father. Charlie loves Renee very much or he'd have given up on her a long time ago."

"Why do you think he stays with her? You know how she can be."

"Oh, God, I don't know, Bella. They've been together so long. Some things we just can't explain."

"She blamed me for you leaving, you know. Kept telling me that if I'd just tried harder, given up my dreams, I could have had you."

"Jesus," Riley said. "That's awful. My decision to leave to leave San Francisco had nothing to do with you. I mean, it did but not because of things between us. You telling me to go was the push I needed to pursue my career here. I'm not sure I would have gone had you not given me the support you did.

"As far as your parents' relationship goes . . . I don't know. Maybe Charlie is just that loyal. He has to remember what she was like before. I mean, I don't think she was really as bad when we were kids. She was somewhat shallow, but she always seemed like she loved you and your father. She wanted what was best for you."

"I always wonder if it's just that I can see it more clearly now that I'm an adult."

"Maybe. Why are you so worried about your parents' relationship anyway?"

"I guess I look at Renee and my dad as examples. If I pursue a relationship with Edward, is this how we're going to be in twenty years? I look at my dad and I see what a good man he is but then I look at my mother and I think he deserves someone better."

He drew in a long breath and exhaled through his nose. "Bella, you don't know all the ins and outs of your parents' relationship; that's between them. You can't take that upon yourself to fix."

"I'm just scared it won't be enough. No one deserves to be treated like that." I tilted my head back as tears started to form.

I felt him grab my hand, hook his fingers through mine, and tug gently so I'd look at him.

"Hey, you're the strongest woman I know. We aren't going to end up with the life together we thought we would. But don't doubt yourself. If you put even half as much of yourself into trying to change as you put into work, I know you can do it."

"You have a lot of faith in me," I said.

"You need to have more faith in yourself. You can do it, babe." He smiled sadly and gave me a long, wistful look. "I probably shouldn't call you that anymore. I think it's time we let go."

"Yeah," I said. "I think so."

He tugged me into his arms, and hugged me tightly. "I love you, Bella. I always will."

"I love you, too, Riley." I sat back and looked at him for a time, just staring into his blue eyes. I felt like the last of the weight I'd been carrying around had finally been lifted. The sadness I'd been hanging onto since he'd left was gone and it was replaced with ambition to get things back on track. "I think it's time I start figuring out who I am without you."

Back to San Francisco we go! Whew, have to say, this chapter was a struggle-and-a-half. We had it written and then rewrote it all before sending it to our betas. Then we sent it to them and they shredded it—not really, but yeah really—so we wrote it again. They were totally right so, once again, we are so thankful for their input.

We hope you like it and agree with how things played out. If not, please send all hate mail to LJ Summers and AshesAshes. (Just kidding, that's not nice—don't do that. WE LOVE THEM!)

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