Author's Note: Thank-you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. This chapter may be a bit disturbing and extreme but I hope you're not too put off by it. Any comments/problems you have with the chapter- let me know. Sorry about any grammatical errors you may come across. Happy Reading!
Disclaimer: All CSI:M characters belong to their owners; CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer et. al. BUT Isabella and Christian and any characters you don't recognise on the show do belong to me.
Giving in
"Morning Marisol! Hey, where are the kids and Blanca?" asked Isabella as she flounced into Marisol's room.
Marisol zipped the duffel bag up, put the clipboard on it and gave Isabella a weak smile, "We were trying to call you. Eric took them this morning. He and Blanca wanted to talk…" Marisol rolled her eyes, "Don't think it's about me though, I've been pretty good. Besides he said something about how being late one more day wasn't going to make a difference on his record right now. Really, I worry about him sometimes, I think he's even committing to this Boa Vista lady, ugh, shudder the thought! My little brother…Oh lets get out of here."
"Oh Marisol, you do worry. Leave Eric alone, poor boy!" laughed Isabella. "You're sure you're fine?" asked Isabella trying to pull the bag out of Marisol's hands.
"I'm pumped up on meds, why shouldn't I be." answered Marisol sarcastically. "Bella, I'm not crippled." said Marisol yanking the bag from Isabella.
"Oh with an answer like that, I know you're fine." replied Isabella easily. She shrugged and followed Marisol out of the ward. "I'm sorry it had to be today, there just wasn't another day to arrange it."
Marisol put her arm around Isabella and hugged her, "That's okay. I'm just glad to finally get out of here. Besides you're lucky Rowlerson gave you the day off at all. With him being ticked off at you for taking his leave time and all."
"Idiot that he is, he can't exactly begrudge me a day off. Besides, it's not too busy at the moment. There are a couple of meetings next week so better to get it done this week. And since when do you use 'ticked off' madam?" asked Isabella,
"You do realize we swear way too much Bella. I…I've had to look for alternative words to say for this... otherwise you know Sister Garcia would have had my ass…Oops there I go again."
"Thank-god you're getting out of here, this place is going to do you in." muttered Isabella as she steered Marisol towards the exit.
Marisol stopped as they reached the front desk, "Oh Isabella I'm so excited!"
"Me too! Me too! It's like amazing, I can't believe how soon it is." said Isabella who looked like she could jump up and down. "Christian's getting..."
Isabella was cut off by Marisol who had directed her attention somewhere else, "Thank-you Sister Garcia. Give my best to the rest of the Sisters too, if you don't mind that is." said Marisol handing over the clipboard with the discharge forms to the nurse.
"Ms. Delektorsky," gushed Sister Garcia, reaching over to shake their hands, "I will do that, you take care now. And don't forget to…" Sister Garcia crossed herself and looked sternly at Marisol over her glasses.
"Yes ma'am." replied Marisol waving as she left the desk and walked with Isabella towards the exit. Isabella gave a small wave too.
"Sorry, you were saying?" asked Marisol as she walked out into the open air, leaving behind that hospital smell that she had gotten oh, so used to. She took a deep breath in and grinned at Isabella.
"Yeah, Christian and Barry, their waistcoats haven't come yet. I really gave 'Wedding Bliss' a piece of my mind last night when Barbara called me up and said that only the dresses, shirts and jackets had arrived. I mean Christ! The big day is only 6weeks away, and I gave them the order ages ago! By the way, does she still give you the usual lecture?" asked Isabella jerking her thumb back to the diminishing Sister Garcia.
"Pray, pray, pray. Yes, I got it this time too. You know you should get that lecture from her, you are way more of a heathen than I am."
"The joys of being Protestant." commented Isabella. She opened the car and popped the boot. Marisol dumped the duffel into the boot and then settled herself into the passenger seat next to Isabella. "You really do look like hell," said Isabella as she revved the car and pulled out of the parking space.
"So much for stating the obvious Genius." muttered Marisol, rolling her eyes. She began to examine herself in the side-view mirror.
"I do try." laughed Isabella. Isabella glanced at Marisol briefly. She knew Marisol too well. How could it be possible to be so excited and sad today? She had gone every day to the ward to see Marisol. When Marisol had told her the news on Tuesday, she had gone home every evening thereafter and cried in Christian's arms. It was more than heart-breaking to see someone so lovely and wonderful be destroyed and not be able to do anything for them. To merely have words to touch their hearts and comfort them, never seemed enough. It all seemed so wrong. Isabella could only guess that Marisol was putting on a brave face as their conversation moved away from anything that could touch on her cancer. There was no point in talking about it, there was nothing to do now but wait and yes, pray. And it all comes back full circle thought Isabella to herself, sighing gently as she maneuvered her way through the traffic.
There was silence for a while during which Marisol used some make up, that she had sneaked out of Bella's purse, to hide her paleness. Her thoughts drifted back to Horatio. He had been in her mind all the time, there were times when she could have sworn she saw him standing next to her, holding her hand, but then she accredited these to the hallucinogens she had been taking. Just seeing Eric reminded her of him but she hadn't asked about him, knowing Eric would tell her if anything was wrong with him. She was pretty sure Eric had told Blanca about Horatio because Blanca kept shooting her these disapproving looks from time to time. Although she had her nieces and nephews for company and they had kept her amused and entertained while she was in pain, Marisol often had this distant look in her eyes.
The women continued to discuss wedding plans that mainly focused on where to accommodate the various relatives that would be attending the wedding. Isabella parked on a side street close to the Agramonte. She and Marisol got out of the car and walked towards the entrance, the doorman doffed his hat in acknowledgment as they passed him. Isabella walked up to the reception, "Ms. Sorenson and Ms. Delektorsky here to see Ms. Barnham please." said Isabella to the receptionist.
"Certainly Ma'am." replied the Receptionist courteously, picking up the receiver and punching in some numbers. After speaking quietly into the receiver, he put the phone down and told Isabella that Susie Barnham would be down shortly.
Isabella moved to stand near Marisol, "Oh no! I recognize that smile, what about Horatio?" asked Isabella, with an air of mock resignation.
Marisol just continued to grin foolishly at Isabella, "It totally slipped my mind but Ms. Barnham…uh Susie…I mean Ms. Barnham is related to Horatio. His sister-in-law, I think. Her daughter is his niece. I met them." Marisol still had a smile on her face as she thought back to the Sunday she had spent with them.
"I thought he only had a brother?" asked Isabella. Marisol shrugged her shoulders. Isabella just rolled her eyes, "Marisol, my dear girl…" began Isabella imitating Sr. Garcia's earlier tone, "You know when people see each other, as in – romantically get involved with each other, getting to know each other is a very desirable thing and is generally how it goes, unless it's solely based on sex?" finished Isabella a bit too innocently.
Marisol swatted Isabella's arm quite hard really, "Ouch!" exclaimed Isabella.
Marisol shot daggers at Isabella, "Serves you right Bella. Of course we know each other! He's just not too comfortable talking about his family. I really don't want to pry. I mean I'm not trying to raise an inquisition, am I Bella?" asked Marisol, raising her eyebrows and shrugging slightly, "Whenever he wants to talk about it, is fine with me. I'm not pushing him. Besides from what Eric's told me, I think he's had it pretty hard when it comes to family."
"So you don't deny the charge that it's based on sex?" asked Isabella again. Silence. Her well deserved reward – another whack from a furiously blushing Marisol.
"Bella your mind is constantly in the gutter!" sputtered Marisol as a comeback.
Susie then appeared, "Good Morning Ladies."
"Morning Ms. Barnham," they both chirped happily shaking hands.
"Are you all right Ms. Delektorsky, you look a bit flushed?" asked Susie.
Bella nudged Marisol and burst out laughing. Susie looked on, puzzled, "No I'm fine thanks. Ignore Isabella. I don't quite know what's gotten into her. Shall we?" asked Marisol calmly, taking charge of the situation.
Susie just looked politely puzzled.
The three ladies took the elevator to the administrative offices. Susie ushered her clients to the chairs at the front of the desk and then moved to sit behind the desk when she tripped. She grabbed the edge of the desk to steady herself, "Madison! What did I tell you about putting your toys all over. Come on Darling, I'm at work for just a bit longer. All right?"
Marisol jumped up, out of her chair too see where Madison was, when she heard Susie. "Hi Madison." Marisol called out, peeping around the desk trying to glance at the little girl. Isabella looked at her best friend in surprise. Sure Marisol was great with her own nieces and nephews but she was never that friendly with other people's children. Isabella continued to stare wondering what on earth was going on in Marisol's head now. She smiled politely and nodded in understanding as Susie apologized for having Madison there. Madison stood up, her face blotchy and tearstained, to see who had said hello to her.
"Miss Marisol." exclaimed the little girl, a smile breaking out onto her previously sulky face. "How do you do?" asked Madison.
"I'm fine thanks, how are you? This is my friend Isabella." said Marisol gesturing to Isabella.
Bella didn't know how to react, should she get up? Should she shake hands with a six-year old? Should she just nod and smile? "Hello there." was all she managed to muster up.
Madison just gave a shy smile in return, "Hello Ma'am."
Isabella couldn't help but smile; this was definitely Horatio Caine's niece.
"How's that party coming along?" asked Marisol cheerfully, sitting back down, a friendly smile on her face.
Susie cleared her throat knowingly, "Ahem…we just had a little tantrum about that just now." finished Susie delicately. Madison's lips tightened into a thin line. Susie sighed, and brushed away the tear marks on her daughter's face, "Madison, I'll take you the park after this, ok Darling? Just let me finish this." Madison gave a small nod and kissed her mother's arm before retreating behind the desk again to play with her toys.
Susie opened her drawer and took out a folder. She opened it and took out various samples and pictures of the ideas and plans that Isabella had thrown to her over the phone. Unsurprisingly, it was a lengthy session and Marisol began to feel claustrophobic and restless. She steeled herself mentally and tried to be as active as possible. She joined forces with Susie to convince Isabella not to go too overboard with the variety of food she wanted. After some lively discussion and two hours later they had more or less decided on the hors d'oeuvres, starters and the main course. Marisol stretched out, Isabella noticed her growing restlessness.
"Everything okay Mari?" she asked quickly.
Susie just gave a puzzled look, but was too professional to inquire, "Would you like something to drink Ms. Delektorsky? Water, coffee, tea? Ms. Sorenson?"
"No thanks. I'm fine, just give me a couple of minutes. Do you mind if I open the window a bit more?" asked Marisol.
"No, no, please feel free to do so. I don't realize how stuffy it can get in here sometimes." smiled Susie, Marisol smiled back having warmed to the younger lady immensely.
"Thanks." said Marisol getting up and patting Isabella's hand to reassure her. She stood by the window for a few moments but there was no whisper of a breeze about in the still Miami air. Her attention began to wander. She remembered Madison was here and was surprised the little girl was able to remain so quiet. Few children managed to sit still for more than a minute, plus there was always their favorite question, 'Why?', Marisol peeked behind Susie's desk. Madison was perched on a small ledge completely absorbed in her coloring, humming softly to herself. The little girl seemed lonely. Marisol couldn't imagine not having siblings. Even though Isabella was an only child, Marisol's parents had always made her feel a part of the family when she was around them. It had always been such fun and such tears and fights! Marisol shook her head slightly in fond remembrance. Unfortunately, Susie's open window was doing nothing to alleviate the oppressiveness Marisol felt. "Ms. Barnham?"
Isabella stopped mid-sentence and looked at Marisol with mild annoyance as Susie answered.
"Would you mind if I took Madison for a walk? I really need a bit of fresh air, and it will give you some more time to work with Bella over the desserts." said Marisol.
Susie hesitated, "I really don't want to impose on you Ms. Delektorsky. It's all right. I can take Madison later." It wasn't that she didn't trust Marisol. If Horatio trusted Marisol then that was good enough for Susie. Horatio had told her, quite frankly when he had called her to catch up on things, that they had been seeing each other quite regularly now. Susie had noticed the subtle changes Marisol had wrought in Horatio too, and was happy for him. She didn't want Marisol to feel obligated to spend time with Madison just because she was seeing Horatio.
"I really don't mind Ms. Barnham. I'd love to have Madison for company." Marisol really turned on the charm by flashing Susie her brightest smile. Isabella just looked perplexed.
"You're sure you don't mind?" asked Susie still hesitant.
"Not at all. I'll take good care of her. I promise."
"Please Mommy?" chimed Madison who now stood beside Marisol.
"All right then. Madison will show you where the playground is." said Susie, who wanted to get back to Isabella. Susie could feel the other woman's impatience mounting.
"Thank-you Mommy." said Madison, kissing her on the cheek before leaving. Marisol gave them both a small wave before closing the door to Susie's office.
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"Thank-you Miss Marisol." said Madison shyly.
"Madison! You can call everyone else you know 'Miss' but you must really stop calling me 'Miss', Deal?"
"I'll try." responded Madison bravely, her eyes trained on the floor, as she tried to copy Marisol's pace. Marisol noticed and took smaller steps. They remained silent until after they had stepped out of the plush Agramonte, when Marisol broke the silence,
"So Madison, where's the playground?"
Madison took Marisol's hand and pointed to the other side of the road, Marisol went along with Madison's sign language, "Okay, so we have to cross the road." They walked a little way and stopped at the zebra crossing. Madison clutched Marisol's hand tightly as they crossed. "Now where?" asked Marisol. Madison let go of Marisol's hand after they had crossed. She pointed her finger in the direction they should be going. "So have you had a chance to see the 'Return of Jafar' yet?" asked Marisol brightly trying to get Madison to talk and that was all it took.
Madison bobbed her head up and down and soon launched down the path of almost-no return with her comments on scenes that Marisol had to try very hard to remember as she responded to Madison's eager questions and thoughts. They reached the playground within minutes. It was situated along the Miami Marina Boulevard. The Boulevard had a long jutting pier at one end, and was littered with cafes and restaurants. The young and pretty of Miami pruned themselves on the beach front while the tourists occupied themselves in the little make-shift boutiques set up by aspiring artisans. The cafes and restaurants, a mixture of posh and casual were all filled. It wasn't hard to see which was which judging by the customers that sat outside them.
"Would you please push me on the swing Marisol?" called Madison, running up to a recently vacated swing seat.
"How about I show you how to push yourself?" asked Marisol sitting down on the swing next to Madison, and dumping her satchel on the ground. Madison clambered onto the seat and grabbed the ropes, looking expectantly at Marisol.
"Ok here we go then. You use your legs like this…" Marisol demonstrated but Madison was still too short to push herself off so Marisol pushed her off. She then got back on her own swing and began to show Madison how to keep the momentum going with her own legs. Madison was soon squealing with delight as she got the hang of it and tried to compete with Marisol in terms of seeing how high they could reach. A competition Marisol pretended to be serious about but really let the little girl win. They both continued to swing away but Marisol began to slow down when a sheen of sweat broke out on her body from her exertions of convincing Madison to go higher. Marisol glanced around her, letting the momentum of the swing take its course. The playground was relatively busy. There was a small group of mothers having a picnic, and some older kids fooling around with a football at the furthest end of the ground. The sand-box was the most popular and was filled to the brim with squabbling toddlers as they got in and out with their spades and buckets. Nothing filled her mind right now except the air and energy she felt in the playground and how it enveloped her and made her smile, allowing her to forget everything going on in her adult world.
Madison soon brought her mind back, "How do I stop now Marisol?"
Marisol laughed, "Just stop moving your legs and then you'll slow down and then stop."
Madison didn't look too convinced but followed Marisol's advice and found that she did indeed come to a stop after a while that is. "Isn't there a faster way to stop?" complained Madison.
"There is but it involves jumping and you have to be a little older for me to show you that because you could get hurt."
Madison shrugged, "Can I go on the climbing frame?" asked Madison as she got off the swing and looked expectantly at Marisol.
"Sure, whatever you want to do Madison." said Marisol her own swing coming to a complete stop now. Madison went running off to the climbing frame. "Madison, be careful will you?" called Marisol as she picked her satchel up, off the ground and sat down on a bench nearby. Madison gave her a happy smile as she scrambled over the ropes and slipped into the little jungle house attached. Marisol kept a watchful eye on Madison as she disappeared in and out of various holes within the structure. Marisol felt at ease but now the heat from the sun settled over her like a thick, unyielding blanket. Marisol felt her body starting to itch, as her pores opened up, in places that would not be appropriate to relieve in public, so she changed her seating position and stretched out her arms, in a subtle attempt to get rid of the annoying itching. Marisol remembered with some irritation that she had forgotten her sunglasses in her duffel bag. She pulled her hair into a high ponytail that comfortingly tickled the back of her neck and her shoulders. Madison seemed to have made friends with some other children and was now running about with them, her eyes bright, smears of dirt on her face and a grass stain on one knee. Madison waved at her, a grin on her face, Marisol smiled back and gave a wave. Marsiol leaned back against the bench and soaked up the sun that she had missed so much during her hospital stay. She continued to remain focused on Madison's activities.
Her phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and answered it, "Yup Bella?"
"Hi Marisol, we'll be done in half an hour. You guys might want to start making your way back now."
"Okay. See you in a while then." replied Marisol before hanging up. She looked around for Madison, "Hey Madison…Madison?" Marisol stood up looking around for the little girl. The shivers of having lost Madison immediately coursed through Marisol, Madison popped out of a hole, but it still took a while for them to disspiate. "Madison, Madison!" Marisol waved trying to get her attention.
Madison came running over, "Yes Marisol?"
"We're going to have go back now." said Marisol gently.
Madison looked back at her new friends, "Five more minutes please Marisol?" begged Madison. Marisol shook her head. "Can I say bye first?" asked Madison. Marisol smiled and nodded. Madison giggled and ran off.
As she ran back to Marisol, Marisol noticed Madison looked quite hot and flushed. As they exited the playground, Marisol asked, "Hey Madison how does an ice cream and hot-dog sound. I don't know about you but I'm starving and I'm hot."
"That would be nice. Thank-you." said Madison skipping alongside Marisol. "You know when I came out of hospital Mommy let me eat all the ice cream and pancakes I wanted."
"Really? Well aren't you a lucky thing. How come you were in hospital?" asked Marisol. She looked around for an ice-cream vendor. She spotted one on the other side of the boulevard. Taking Madison's hand as they crossed, Marisol listened in amazement to Madison's response,
"Well Mommy said I had to go to hospital because I was very sick. Mommy told me the name, but I don't remember now, it was something leu… there were lots of doctors, she and Uncle Horatio were very worried about me, especially when the doctors used to put me on this machine that had this long needle." Madison stretched her fingers to show how big it was and was pleased when Marisol gasped impressively. "But then I met my brother, Raymond, and he helped me get better." finished Madison.
Reaching the other side of the boulevard, Marisol dropped on one knee and hugged Madison impulsively, "Are you all right now?" Madison looked at Marisol strangely and nodded. Marisol had guessed leukemia and she was so impressed with Madison. Marisol got up and led Madison towards the ice-cream man.
"Mommy says we still have to see the doctor."
"Of course, of course." said Marisol, suddenly feeling very ashamed of herself. "So what flavor would you like Madison?"
Madison stood up on her tip-toes and looked at the various flavors displayed, "Can I have this one please? Is it chocolate?" Madison pointed to the rich brown ice-cream color.
"Yes that's chocolate." replied the Vendor.
"Cup or cone Madison?" asked Marisol.
"Cup please. Mommy says I'm not old enough to have a cone yet because I'd drop it everywhere." said Madison, matter-of-factly.
Marisol smiled thinking how honest and well-behaved Madison was. Marisol knew she had never obeyed her mother's ice-cream rules when she was younger. Well she hadn't obeyed many rules period. "Two chocolates. Both in cups please." said Marisol to the Vendor. The Vendor scooped out the ice-cream and Marisol paid for it. Then they both headed towards the hot-dog stall, eating their rapidly melting ice-creams.
"How about we get some for Mom and Isabella too?" asked Marisol still in shock that Madison had had leukemia. Madison nodded, busy trying to eat her ice-cream and not bump into anyone. Marisol was the one who bumped into someone which sent ice-cream all over her green t-shirt. Marisol groaned at the brown stains and mopped away the chocolate blobs. So much for ice-cream, thought Marisol, now glad that she had bought a cup instead of a cone. Madison stopped and stared, "Are you all right Marisol?" asked Madison, in a concerned tone that made her seem older.
"Good thing I bought a cup huh?" laughed Marisol. It had been her fault that the accident had happened, she hadn't really been watching where she was going. Her eyes shot up again remembering why the accident had happened in the first place. She stared and stared. It was one of those moments,
where everything stops,
everything comes crashing down...
Her mouth went dry and she felt terrified.
She wished she hadn't seen him,
she wished she hadn't paid so much attention to every little detail of him when she had been with him so as to recognize him at this precise moment,
she wished that she was dreaming – still in hospital,
she wished the blue fathomless depths that she could see even from here were not his….
she wished….
she wished her heart didn't feel like it was being splintered into fragments,
she wished she could live in ignorance,
she wished she could stop at least this pillar of her world from collapsing.
Madison tugged her hand, suddenly wondering why the smile on Marisol's face had been replaced with a frown.
"Marisol?" asked Madison.
Marisol snapped out of it and remembered the responsibilities she had right now which included Madison. "Uh….Uhm…Yeah Madison, let's get those hot dogs. I'm starving." Marisol said in an overly-friendly voice, trying to distract Madison. She didn't want Madison to see Horatio because the little girl would get excited and probably run over to him. She closed the last few steps between them and the hot-dog stall quickly. "Madison… Madison, tell me about your birthday party. How's that going?" she asked in a shaky voice as they waited for their turn to be served.
Madison started to talk about her friends and Marisol tried her best to make it seem like she was listening but her eyes kept shooting to Horatio. There was no doubt that it was him, who else wore their sunglasses around their neck in such a sexy fashion? It had been so easy, almost too easy to spot him in the crowded café, sitting there with a charming young brunette… who looked familiar...
Ah yes, it had been that day when Isabella and her were having coffee. While having coffee they noticed Horatio emerging from the Marina walkway situated opposite them with a companion – the brunette Horatio was sitting with now. Isabella and her watched them for a while, to Marisol she looked like someone involved in a case, the sad look in her eye and Horatio's friendly kiss on the cheek had made it seem like he was comforting her. Isabella on the other hand was immediately suspicious, but Marisol laughed at her. The situation just didn't feel like he was having a romantic rendez-vous with someone. Infact there after, she had called out to him and he had stopped by to say hello. At that time he still hadn't met Isabella because she was in the washroom when he said a quick hello and goodbye because he had to get back to work. Marisol really hadn't thought much about it. Isabella hadn't been happy about it.
Now Marisol wondered if perhaps she should have asked him about it. She didn't want to interfere with his work, besides Isabella was a bit overly-suspicious at times. But here he was today having…having champagne, Marisol guessed, with that same woman! Her chest tightened further and for a moment Marisol couldn't breathe as she continued to watch them. She tried to dampen down her reactions, to be more objective, to look away but she just couldn't. How sadistic, she thought, I want to keep watching my own demise. She knew that the details she was taking in now would be examined later within the loneliness and solitude of her own mind. His hair seemed blond rather than red today, she could see twinkling blue. He looked happy, playing with his plate and twitching his eyebrows upwards now and again. Well his companion was beautiful, she was dressed very smartly, her hair up in a chignon. Definitely a strong, career woman that Horatio admired. Words flowing from generous red lips continued to draw smiles from Horatio. Marisol was a safe distance away not to be noticed amongst the throng of people on the Boulevard. She finally looked away to clear the sharp pang of pain that shot through her when his companion clasped his hand
"Four hot-dogs please. Can you pack two of them please." said Marisol to the vendor. "Madison would you like mustard and ketchup, what about your Mom?"
"Comin' right up." said the Vendor.
"Mommy likes mustard and ketchup. Can I just have ketchup on mine please?"
The Vendor smiled at her and nodded. Marisol turned her attention to Madison, she couldn't, NO! she wouldn't think about this right now. She felt tumultuous, a hundred thoughts were running through her head causing chaos in her mind. The Vendor wrapped up the hot dogs and handed them over to Marisol.
"Thank-you." they both chorused. Marisol paid him and left, casting a last glance at Horatio. Gloom settled around her and for once Marisol didn't want to shake it off, she didn't have the strength to fight it, she just let it take over. Madison had finished her ice-cream and was now munching on her hot-dog, still chattering on about her birthday party. Marisol tried to smile now and again but she felt so confined, she wanted to stand and scream and scream because everything was not all right.
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Horatio laughed at the joke that he was just told and looked at the shining eyes across him. When she reached across the table for his hand he had been taken aback but he returned the squeeze he felt, accrediting it to the state of mind she was in now. He was so happy for her. After all she'd been through, she deserved this break.
As he laughed he felt something out of the ordinary occur, something just wasn't right. The back of his neck prickled. He looked around him but there was nothing specific he could discern in the crowd of the people. He looked around to see if any crime was occurring but no, everything seemed normal. Horatio peered harder at individual faces as the feeling continued to persist. He spotted a flash of green and the familiar toss of a head, he couldn't be sure from this distance, but his heart gave a flutter, a flutter that only Marisol's presence could invoke. He stared but lost the piece of green that caught his eye. Yet, his mind argued that it couldn't possibly be…she was still in New York. He'd been trying to call her but her cell was still out so he assumed she was still with her sister. She would have gotten in touch with him as soon as she got back, he was sure of it.
Horatio downed the rest of his champagne, and smiled at the brunette across him and then motioned to the waiter for the bill. He cocked his head and listened intently to her words, nodding here and there. After insisting that he pay the bill, he kissed the lovely brunette good-bye and promised to call her soon. During the walk to his car, his hand slipped into his pocket and played with the balm that he had been constantly carrying around with him like some sort of charm. He founds his hands, during the day, moving to his pockets more and more to play with it. Its reassuring weight, the way it rested in his pocket made him feel like he was carrying a piece of her with him all the time, its healing properties doing what she had been doing for him. He hadn't seen her for almost two weeks now. His pride refused to let him ask Eric when she was coming back. Somehow he didn't think Eric would be too forthcoming. The CSI had become more moody of late, the moodiness increased when Horatio asked why Eric had been late for 5 days in a row. The days had passed slowly.
He had missed her so much. That flutter….was his mind playing tricks on him because,
He so desperately needed to see her?
Laugh with her and feel his spirit rise?
Hold her in his arms?
Caress her lips?
Smell the vanilla in her hair?
Feel her lips on his skin?
Wander the hazel glades that were her eyes…
Perhaps, perhaps…that one word is all he found for an answer in his mind. His routine had basically been work, work, work, and work. He hadn't felt like doing anything else. Their inspection was coming up soon and Horatio needed to iron out the final details on the jurisdiction of some cases with the night supervisor. He had taken Madison and Susie out for dinner on the weekend, and yesterday he had tumbled into bed, exhausted from the 80-hour shift he had pulled.
Horatio reached his car and looked at his watch, the watch Marisol had given him the night they shared their first kiss. He didn't have to get back to the lab for another 30 minutes. He decided to drop in on Susie for a few moments, if she was in that was.
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"There you guys are." said Isabella as Marisol and Madison entered Susie's office.
"We brought you guys lunch! Hope you like hot-dogs." said Marisol brightly to Susie, handing her a wrapped hot-dog.
"Thank-you." said Susie taking the proffered item. She placed it on her desk and motioned to Madison to come over to her. She wiped a ketchup smear of Madison's chin and smiled at her, "Did you have fun sweetheart?" Madison nodded, "You wanna say thank-you to Ms. Delektorsky, Madison?"
"Thank-you Marisol." said Madison.
"You're most welcome Madison, it was a pleasure," said Marisol handing Isabella her hot-dog.
There was silence for a while. Isabella remained quiet studying Marisol: the superficiality of Marisol's cheeriness was blatantly obvious to Isabella. She didn't look any better than when she had left. Isabella turned her attention to the sheets she had been studying with Susie. She began explaining to Marisol what they'd agreed on.
"Mommy can Marisol come for my party?" whispered Madison secretly in her mother's ear.
"Well I don't know sweetheart, Ms. Delektorsky might be busy." said Susie looking across at Marisol who smiled.
"Her name is Marisol, Mommy!" said Madison indignantly.
Marisol laughed at this, "Please do call me Marisol."
"Marisol, would you like to come to my party next Sunday?" asked Madison eagerly looking at Marisol. Marisol looked away for a second, "Please?" cooed Madison, her eyes growing big, "Uncle Horatio will be there." offered Madison in a last attempt to convince Marisol.
Marisol's head snapped up at the mention of Horatio's name, her eyes bulged for a second. "Why thank-you Madison…uh….I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it." Her mind was already thinking probably not, especially as Horatio would be there. She tried to think of any plans she could make up, then she saw Madison's face fall, and it killed her to have to lie to the little girl. "But I will let you know, is that all right?" asked Marisol. Madison gave a small nod. "You're sure you don't mind Ms. Barnham?"
"Susie, please. No it would be lovely, it is Madison's day. You're more than welcome, as long as you don't mind having forty hyperactive children around you that is." said Susie with a chuckle. "Perhaps Ms. Sorenson would like to come along too?" said Susie feeling the awkwardness of the whole atmosphere that seemed to have set about the room.
"No thank-you, I'm afraid Marisol is much better with children than I am. Christian and I have to attend the church counseling service that day."
"Perhaps you'd like to come over for coffee and cake when you finish at the church?" suggested Susie.
Isabella looked at Marisol who refused to make eye contact with her. Left in the lurch, Isabella replied, "Uhm…Uh…Okay, that sounds fine then. Next Sunday it is then."
"Great." said Susie.
"We better make a move then. You still need to have lunch Ms. Barnham." said Isabella standing up, "Would you mind mailing me the figures we arrived at today? I'll just confirm the menu with Christian and I'll let you know. Is that okay?"
"Yes that can be arranged," Susie became very professional again as she stood up to shake their hands. "I look forward to hearing for the confirmation then."
"Definitnely. Well then, good-bye and I'll be in touch." said Isabella flashing what Susie felt was the warmest smile she had seen the woman give. "Good-bye Madison." said Isabella giving a little wave which Madison returned.
"Susie, a pleasure. I will let you know about Sunday." said Marisol. "Good-bye Madison."
"Thank-you Marisol for the hot-dog and the ice cream." called the little girl to Marisol just before Susie closed the door after them. Madison saw Marisol flash her a bright smile, and she hoped with all her heart that Marisol would come to her party, she was a nice grown-up, a fun grown-up friend!
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Susie shut the door behind the two women and let out a sigh of relief before sinking down into her chair. Madison climbed onto her lap, "Tired Mommy?" asked the little girl putting her head down on her mother's chest.
"A little, Darling, a little. Mommy has lots to do for Marisol's friend's wedding." Susie took her first bite out of the now cold hot-dog and chewed, closing her eyes for a moment. "So what did you and Marisol do at the playground?" asked Susie. She finished the rest of the hot-dog while listening to Madison. There was a knock at the door, "Come in." she called out.
"Susie?" Horatio called as he opened the door.
"Horatio!" exclaimed Susie, "Do come in." Susie stood up quickly and brushed the crumbs off her blouse.
"Uncle Horatio!" yelled Madison, running to Horatio.
Horatio picked her up, "How's my favorite niece?" he asked.
Madison giggled and kissed him on the cheek, "Fine."
"Could you keep an eye on her Horatio? I'm just going to pop into to the washroom. Won't be a moment."
"Sure, no worries there. Take your time." said Horatio setting Madison down.
Horatio sat down, Madison scrambled onto his lap and began playing with him, "So how's your day been Madison?"
Madison flashed him a crooked smile and let the words tumble out.
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"Wow, what was that?" asked Bella, expelling a long breath of air, "You went all broody hen on me, that has never happened before. Plus an invite to the kid's birthday?"
"So sue me, I like Madison." said Marisol flippantly, "You going to eat that?" she asked pointing to Isabella's still untouched hot-dog that Isabella was still carrying.
Isabella shook her head, "Uh no! some of us have a wedding dress to fit into, we're not all as lucky as you Marisol." Isabella handed Marisol the hot-dog and let out a giggle as they walked back to the car.
"Now what?" asked Marisol huffily.
"Your shirt, it's bloody hilarious!"
Marisol glanced ruefully down at her shirt and laughed too. "She's a really great kid. And Susie seems nice."
"Sure they do." said Isabella rolling her eyes. "Kids…" she grumbled on, "…just like men, can't live with them, can't live without them. In my mind at least. After seeing what Ekky went through, shudder to think what would happen to me if I had kids."
"Mhhh." was all Marisol said knowing all about Isabella's career focused life. If Isabella did have a child, she would find it hard to incorporate it into her life. Career focused women…her mind immediately shot back to Horatio and the brunette, he probably didn't want kids, but he was really good with them, that didn't make sense was the only conclusion her jumbled mind came up with. Personally, Marisol could never make up her mind about having children, not that it was an option right now. Her mind see-sawed between having them and not having them for different reasons at different times in her life.
"So silent Marisol?" asked Isabella.
"I'm hungry." offered Marisol as an excuse.
"Tell me another one Mari." grunted Isabella rudely.
Marisol flashed a genuine smile and hoped her eyes were shining in a bid to fool Isabella, "Just a bit tired, and excited."
They talked about the arrangements that had just been made. The nervousness and excitement for their next task began to build up to the point of having a fit of uncontrollabe giggling. After driving for an hour they finally reached the dress-makers. Both ladies practically ran in, full of excitement. Marisol was made to try hers on first. She went into the dressing room and a long while later, much to Bella's impatience, emerged in a lavender gown. Isabella clapped her hands excitedly, "Oh Mari, you look beautiful." said Isabella, practically dragging Marisol over to the full-length mirror, and making her stand on the stool in the centre. Marisol did her best to smile back brightly.
"I don't know how the old geezers will keep their hands off you. You look stunning!"
"Bella you're the bride, if anything you should be the one looking stunning." said Marisol disapprovingly.
"Hey! Christian is the only one I'm obliged to stun now. That's all that matters."
The head seamstress, Barbara had a more objective eye however. She and her assistants swooped onto Marisol, measuring, pinning and tucking. However Bella did not like the final effect and made them unpin and untuck everything much to their chagrin. While Isabella and Barbara went back to the design book and argued over certain things like hemlines Marisol took a closer look at herself in the mirror.
Marisol's spirits lifted, well whose wouldn't in a dress this beautiful. The loopy purple, provided a gentle contrast against the lavender of the gown, the embossed bead-work on the bodice was beautifully intricate. Marisol loved the whole feeling of newness the gown had from its satin feel on her skin to how it rustled against her ankles as she moved slightly.
She gasped slightly as she felt the seamstress pinch her waist and remark to Isabella that Marisol's loss of weight, meant the dress wasn't filling out properly. Marisol and Isabella both glanced at each other. Isabella insisted Marisol would fit perfectly into the dress by the time the wedding came around. The irritated seam-stress just shrugged her shoulders. Isabella took Marisol's hands, their eyes both shining, thrilled to share this moment with each other.
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When they finished at the dress-makers Isabella dropped Marisol home. She came upstairs and sat with Marisol for a while before leaving. Marisol checked her messages. The latest one was from Eric about coming over after his shift. There was a message from Michael, the manager at Il Covo, wishing her well and asking her to get in touch with him, other messages from the other businesses she kept accounts for. There was no message from Horatio. Her mind irrationally accepted this as more evidence that he wasn't interested in her anymore, instead of recalling that she had promised to call him when she got back from New York and that it would be stupid to leave a message when someone was obviously not there. But no, the mind is irrational, it perceives that which it wants to see, especially when it comes to people one has come to love.
Marisol managed to shoo Bella home by promising to spend tomorrow evening with her and Christian. After getting rid of Isabella, Marisol returned the various calls assuring the managers that she would resume her duties at the beginning of the next week. When she finished she felt the gloominess return, she succumbed to it just as she had done earlier. The overwhelming urge of smoking a joint smacked her in the face. Wouldn't it be awesome to get high just for the sake of getting high?
Just one last time…a voice whispered in her head, a voice she hadn't heard in a long time.
Marisol opened a drawer and took out the bag of rolled up joints. She threw it down onto the coffee table and then sat down on the sofa and looked at it. She lit up a couple of moments later and took a couple of puffs. She closed her eyes, leaned back and enjoyed the joint for what it was really was – a bit of fun. Through her self-induced haze she found her mind turning to Horatio. She began to take bigger puffs but the marijuana wasn't having the effect she hoped it would, she continued to relive this afternoon's scene over and over and it was driving her crazy. Halfway through she put it out and went for a shower. It felt so good to be back in her shower, the hot jets massaged a body sagging with frustration. After her shower she unpacked and put in a load of laundry. She had a new message from Eric saying that he'd be over a bit later because something had come up. She eventually found herself in her living room, her mind urged her to get outside - go for a walk, enjoy the evening but she felt too depressed to do so. Instead she compromised and stood outside on her tiny balcony for a little while gazing at nothing in particular. She curled up on the couch and flicked through the various channels but she wasn't in the mood for Spanish soaps. She looked at her bookshelf and went to the last resort - she picked out the book that always cheered her up and made her laugh, a book she never got tired of reading. Settling down with the book on a futon, she began to turn the pages, her eyes skimming over the words. She had finished the third chapter, which had yet to elicit a single smile from her, when the phone began to ring. Hoping it was and wasn't Horatio at the same time she answered the call.
"Hello?"
"Mari, it's Blanca."
It was a very one-sided half hour conversation.
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Marisol put down the phone 30 minutes later. Damn it, damn it all! She felt numb and cold at the same time. She took out the bottle of vodka and knocked back three shots. The merciless stinging did nothing except cause a fever to flare in her throat. She poured another one and downed it and then carried the bottle back with her to the living room. She felt her knees go weak and she collapsed onto the floor sobbing.
It was the first time in ten days that she had the opportunity to be alone without anyone watching over her.
It was the first time she allowed the bleakness of her future to sweep over her and carry her away.
It was the first time she realized she was all alone now, even Horatio was cut off from her. He was no longer hers. She hadn't cried when the doctors had told her, she stayed strong putting on a smile and a casual manner to throw off her siblings and Isabella that all was not well in her own mind. She stayed strong for them…but now here, lying in a heap on her floor, Marisol could not stay strong for herself. She couldn't take it anymore. She cried and cried, the tears wouldn't stop, the anger was building – the outlet? A bottle being hurled to the other side of the room and shattering against a door, which door? Marisol didn't really care. She pulled herself into a seating position resting her back against the couch and continued to cry. They couldn't do this to her, it was her life, a life that was rapidly fading. But it didn't matter now, he was already gone, he could never be hers. Her limbs began to tremble as she sobbed harder and harder. There was nothing left to do, she was tired of fighting, of being the rebel. Her happy-go-lucky nature that had served her well throughout her life seemed so shallow now. It had left her with nothing save her memories that counted for naught at the moment, memories she now wished she hadn't made because they hurt so much. Everything seized up in Marisol, she couldn't breathe, she felt her heart hammer a hundred times faster in her chest, a cold sweat broke out on her forehead, her eyes remained unnervingly focused for someone who had just smoked marijuana and ingested 4 shots of alcohol. She was losing control. That's okay, her mind said, she hadn't lost control in a while. Doing something crazy now wouldn't change anything. She looked around for the bottle. She crawled to the mess and picked up a shard.
She crawled back to the sofa and remained seated on the floor.Her chest continued to heave from the sobbing and the tears were still leaking silently from big brown eyes. She fingered the shard and without hesitation she drew it over her wrist. She put the shard on the table and looked at her wrist. The red stripe blossomed to a crimson river but there was nothing else. Marisol hadn't felt a thing, the blood was flowing freely now but the most dispiriting thing was that she hadn't felt a thing…she may as well be dead.
She started to sob again and this time the anger was replaced by helplessness and resignation. She lost track of time but she didn't care, time was no longer hers anyway.
A knocking on the door made her get up, "Coming." She choked on her tears as she ran to the kitchen and ran water over the still flowing gash. She grabbed a cardigan that had been draped on a chair and opened the door.
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Horatio had been thrilled to hear from Madison that Marisol was back. He was initially disappointed that she hadn't called him yet but when Susie added that she had looked quite worn out, his disappointment gave way to concern. He decided to give her a surprise and was now driving to her apartment, a bouquet of flowers and an envelope he had picked up from Susie's office, in the passenger seat next to him. The afternoon had been a blur, he felt giddy with excitement and was impatient to get off his shift. They had solved three cases that afternoon, and all though he was glad to bring closure for the families involved, none of them gave him the pleasure he felt as he found himself driving to her apartment. While he drove Horatio thought back to his feelings. He was now sure that it had been her on the Boulevard. The 'perhaps' his mind had given as an answer came back to him. He wasn't in love with her…no, not yet, he was still experiencing the joy of falling in love and he didn't want it to end. He knew he was very taken with her. He certainly felt great affection for Marisol but he wasn't ready to call it love, not just yet at least. But they were getting there, they were getting there. He could only hope she felt the same. His heart had already been so disappointed when it came to love, he didn't want to add this relationship to his growing list. His gut told him that this time it was different.
He pulled into a parking space and noticed a light coming from her apartment. Glad that she was home he made his way to her apartment with the bouquet of marigolds and dahlias in one hand, the envelope in the other. He stood for a moment to catch his breath before knocking on the door. He heard a muffled response from inside and waited.
She opened the door and felt her heart stop, she felt panic "Hor…Horatio." came the faintest of whispers before she locked eyes with him. She was terrified, could she do this?
When she opened the door Horatio immediately registered the panic and that terror that flashed across her tear-stained face and for a moment he thought she was going to slam the door in his face.