Happy Thursday, we hope you all had a wonderful Independence Day. The song for this chapter is "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bon Iver: youtu#be/vp-bPAKLfx4 No one can sing it quite as well as Bonnie Raitt, but this version is pretty fantastic. Enjoy the Pictease: farm4#static#flickr#com/3451/3250126892_999bc2093b #jpg

Shout-out and thanks to LJ Summers, AshesAshes, and jakeward for cleaning up this chapter. Edward appreciates the push. ;) (See notes at bottom)

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Forty: Evanescent

After I wrapped things up in the office and headed home, I greeted Jacob and retrieved my luggage that Eli had left with him. "Thanks for holding onto this," I told him.

"You're welcome, Miss Swan. I hope you had a nice trip."

"Thank you, Jacob," I replied. "Edward is coming over this evening; would you please let him up when he arrives?"

"Of course." He nodded at me and smiled.

I spent the rest of the evening tidying up my apartment and catching up on all of the small things that I'd put aside in the last week. After a quick trip to the store to get groceries for dinner since my fridge was basically empty after tossing out the expired perishables, I showered and changed into a comfortable pair of jeans and a shirt. Tonight wasn't about impressing Edward; I just wanted to have an honest conversation with him to establish where things were between us and that didn't include seducing him; I couldn't keep glossing over my short comings with sex. Edward deserved my honesty, and tonight was about figuring out exactly where we stood with each other.

I tried to remain calm as his arrival time came closer and closer, but I couldn't help my anxiety. I must have fluffed the throw pillows on the couch at least ten times and wiped the kitchen counter down just as many. I called down to Jacob, just to remind him to let Edward up and he assured me he would. When nine o'clock ticked by and I still hadn't heard anything, I wondered if Edward was intentionally standing me up; maybe he didn't want me and didn't want to waste anymore of his time. My track record wasn't good, and I certainly understood why he might have decided I wasn't worth it anymore.

By eleven o'clock, I still hadn't heard anything and my worry had taken over completely. I called Edward and left a message, but he didn't pick up. At first, I thought maybe he had been held up by traffic, but after a while, I began to fear that he had been in an accident or something had happened to him. The fear of losing him twisted my stomach, and I had to force myself to think about something else. My hands were trembling as I fidgeted with my phone, desperately willing him to call or knock on my door. I took a seat on the couch, only to stand up abruptly when I heard voices in the hallway. After hurrying to the door to listen, I leaned my head against the cool surface and struggled to take a few deep breaths. The people continued to talk but passed by without stopping.

I wondered again if Edward was deliberately trying to pay me back for the way I'd treated him. It seemed out of character, but who knew what my actions had driven him to. I turned and slid down the door, falling to the floor in the entryway. The thought that I had ruined my chance with Edward weighed heavily on my mind. I was given a second chance for happiness and I had squandered it, potentially ruining my relationship with Edward because I was too hung up on my past to see the incredible man in front of me. I had no idea if there was any way of repairing what I'd done, but I was starting to fear that I was too late.

Eventually, I returned to the living room, trying to remain patient, but the worry only grew as time passed. Midnight came and went with no sign of Edward and after one a.m., I finally went to bed with a heavy heart.

Sometime later, I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing, and I immediately thought of Edward. I scrambled to answer it, my eyes fuzzy as I tried to focus on the clock on the nightstand. "Edward?"

"No, Miss Swan, this is Seth from the front desk. I'm sorry to call you so late, but there's a situation down here and I thought you should know."

I cleared my throat and sat up in bed trying to wake myself up. "What kind of situation?"

"Edward is down here."

"Well, send him up!" I exclaimed, suddenly frantic. I jumped out of bed and hurried to grab something to wear. His next sentence stopped me.

"He's not in the lobby, he's out front. He's been sitting on the bench for an hour. He's drunk."

"What?" I blinked in shock; that was the last thing I expected.

"He's drunk," he repeated, "mumbling about you leaving him. Do you want me to call the police?"

I sighed and closed my eyes, running my free hand through my hair. "No, no, that's not necessary. I'll be right down; thank you for calling."

"Sure thing, Miss Swan."

I hung up the phone and threw on some clothes before leaving for the elevator. I really had no idea what was going on. Anxiously waiting for it to arrive, I twisted my hands together. As soon as the doors opened, I pressed the lobby button and rode down to the first floor.

"Is he still there?" I called out to Seth as I walked briskly through the lobby.

"Yep, I just saw him a minute ago. He's just around the corner to the left."

I pushed through the main doors and out onto the street. The cold air slapped me in the face as soon as I was outside, awaking my senses. Edward was sitting on a bench just outside the building, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. I approached him cautiously, not exactly sure what to expect.

"Edward?" I called out quietly. I knelt down beside him and he lifted his head, looking at me with unfocused eyes. "What are you doing out here?"

"Thinking." He sat up and swayed a little, but his words came out clear. I could smell the liquor on his breath and could tell he'd had quite a bit. Edward was definitely drunk, but at least he seemed coherent.

"About what?" I got up and took a seat on the bench beside him, hoping he'd expand on his thoughts. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I hesitated.

"You. Us," he commented, gesturing between us.

"Edward?" I said softly. "Why didn't you come up? We were supposed to talk."

He shook his head. "No. I can't go up. I want to too much."

"What, Edward, you're not making any sense. What do you mean?" I asked, but he didn't answer. We sat there silently for a long moment while fear ate away at me. "Did you go to dinner at your parents' house?"

"Yes."

"What happened after dinner?"

"I went to Leah's."

"Okay. . . and you drank."

"I wanted to come here, come talk to you but I'm just so angry with you. I want you so much, but I don't know if I can do this. I deserve better than to be second to some guy who dumped you." He looked down at the ground, not meeting my eyes. His words stung but they were true, and I deserved them.

"Edward, you're right. You do deserve better and I want nothing more than to be someone you deserve. I can't tell you how sorry I am and how hard I'm going to work to make things right between us."

"I don't trust you, Bella."

He was right, he didn't have any reason to trust me, but my instinctive defensiveness wanted to fight his statement. I took a deep breath, trying not to stay objective. "I know you don't," I said softly, "and I understand completely."

"I just went to Leah's for a few minutes to gather my thoughts and have a drink to take the edge off. But one drink lead to two, then three, and then I lost count. Eventually, I left and I still didn't know where to go so I walked. Before I knew it, I was here." He took a deep, shuddering breath and turned to face me. "I'm so afraid to go any further with you. I want to believe that you love me, that you mean every word you're saying-I feel like I can see it in your eyes-but is it enough? Are you going to change your mind?"

I opened my mouth to respond but he stopped me with a quick shake of the head.

"Bella, I'm afraid we'll go to bed together one night and I'll wake up in the morning and you'll be gone. I'm afraid you'll push me away again and one of these times, you won't come back." His voice was defensive, but raw fear denoted his bitterness.

"Edward," I said, reaching out to grip his hand tightly in mine. "I'm not in love with Riley anymore. That's what I realized in D.C. He's a big part of my past and I can't change that, but you are my future. I want to be with you."

He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to mine. "I want to believe it so bad. I want to trust you." I swallowed hard, somehow willing the situation or some magical fix to happen. I didn't blame him for his distrust; he had no reason to believe that this time would be any different. I had done nothing to reassure him. All I could do was hope that he'd be willing to take a blind leap of faith to see that I was sincere.

"I know it's going to take a while," I reasoned. "But I'm going to prove it to you. I'm going to earn back your trust. For now, why don't you come upstairs with me? Just to sleep; we can talk more in the morning."

Edward sat back and shook his head, his hand slipping from mine. "I don't think I can do that." I looked at him, pain no doubt showing in my eyes. "If I go upstairs with you, I'll want you and sex will only make this more complicated."

"Edward, that's not what I mean. You can sleep in the guest room and we can talk in the morning."

He just continued to shake his head. "I do want to believe we can make a relationship work," he said quietly. "But I keep coming back to the fact that I don't trust you, Bella. How can I believe that you've really changed this time? And when I'm around you, I don't think clearly. You have this power over me and I can't help myself from doing anything to be with you in order to make you happy. I need time and I can't be around you while I figure things out."

I nodded, heeding his words. "I understand. Take whatever time you need; I just beg you for one more opportunity to let me show you that I am trustworthy, that I'm serious in telling you I love you, and that I want to make us work."

"It's not that simple, Bella. Even giving you that chance, I'm setting myself up for potential failure. Do you know what it was like to tell you I loved you and watch you answer that phone call anyway? The minute you accepted that call, you deliberately chose to ignore what I'd just told you. That killed me, Bella." He swallowed hard, clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Was it a mistake to tell you then-like that? Yes. But I had to tell you and I felt like I was on the verge of losing you. I didn't want that to happen again. It was immature and spiteful of me to leave you stranded; I'll take full responsibility for that. But Jesus Christ, Bella-how much more was I supposed to take?"

"You're right, I don't blame you for any of it," I said, tears filling my eyes. I had hurt him so badly and I'd finally pushed him to his breaking point.

"Loving a woman who might not ever let herself love me back terrified me but I still gave it a shot. I took a chance telling you how I felt, and I don't regret that. I do regret the timing, and the way I told you. I did it out of anger and that's not what I wanted. I'm just so frustrated with the way you keep getting close and then pull away."

Emotion thickened my voice when I replied, "You'll never know how sorry I am that I couldn't say I love you back when you told me. I wish that things had gone differently, that I could go back and do it over. I wish so much that I could take things back."

"I hear you and. . ." His voice trailed off as he stood up. "It's just not enough, Bella. I wish it was." He rubbed a hand over his forehead. "I've given you so many opportunities to open up to me, to give me a chance to be there for you and you keep pushing me away. Over and over and over."

"Because talking to you about Riley felt wrong. I felt like it would hurt you and you wouldn't understand. I thought if I could just keep it to myself, keep it compartmentalized, I could work through it on my own."

Edward scoffed and shook his head. "You always have to be so damn strong."

"Edward, it's just how I am. I thought you understood that about me." I was struggling to keep it together as things escalated between us. He'd seen my strong exterior and it translated to shutting him out, but did he know it was really just a mask the entire time hiding me crumbling inside?

"I do, but did it ever occur to you that I knew it was a lie? Me sticking around and trying to keep a relationship between us, was me trying to be there for you-trying to give you someone you could let your guard down with." He looked at me, his eyes ice-cold. "Little did I know it really didn't matter, you don't want help, and all that came of it was me getting jerked around."

"I know," I cried out, no longer able to control my emotions. "I didn't say the way I handled things was right, just that it was my reasoning at the time. But now, things are different. I've let go and I'm not afraid to let you in anymore. I want you to help me when I'm weak. I'll tell you anything you want to know and I promise if something is on my mind, we'll work through it-together. I promise you that things will be different if you give me a chance. I'm committed to changing and doing things right this time. I've let go of my past, and I want to move forward.

"Edward, I know you don't understand why I chose to handle things the way I did and that it hurt you. I had to work through things and you were a casualty along the way that I wish I could have avoided. But I want you to understand, I wasn't trying to hurt you; I was trying to do the best I could. My heart was broken and I didn't know how to fix it. All I know is that despite all my mistakes, you helped me fix it. I know it means nothing, but I am sorry. That's really all I can say."

"Bella, I don't want to change you. I just wanted you to let me in."

"You're not, I'm changing me," I said honestly. "I want to be different. Yes, I want a relationship with you and in order to do that I need to make some changes. But when it comes right down to it, I want to change for me. I don't like who I'm becoming, or how I treated you. I want to be better. You deserve better, and so do I. It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm committed to making changes. I can only hope that you'll be there beside me. . . ."

Edward was silent for a long moment, just staring at me. I sniffled and wiped my eyes, trying to calm my emotions. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft. "I do want you to be happy, Bella."

"I want you to be happy, too, Edward. I just really hope that I can be a part of that. I want a future with you. I want to build a life with you. I'm in this completely, Edward. No hesitating, no holding back. I'm yours."

"If you'd said that to me in Napa, I would have accepted it without question," he said slowly, as if trying to sort through his thoughts as he spoke. "I'm not trying to punish you or make you feel bad about what happened-that's not what this is about. I just don't want to set myself up again."

I stood up and reached for his hand. "Please, Edward. Please give me the chance to prove to you that I love you, that you're my priority, and that I want this to work. I will do anything."

He sighed heavily, his eyes sad and a little bit wistful as he looked at our entwined fingers. Slowly, he untangled our fingers and let my hand drop. "I'm sorry, Bella. I wish I could say yes, but I just don't know."

He turned and began to walk away, and I scrambled to think of something to say as my world started to fall apart. "Wait, Edward, please," I cried. He glanced back at me, his face drawn and twisted in pain.

"Bella, just . . . just give me some time," he answered.

I swallowed hard and wrapped my arms around my body, feeling myself break in half. It felt like my heart was shattering. I nodded, trying to get a grip. If he needed some space and some time to think, I'd give him that, even though it was breaking my heart to let him walk away. Right now was about what he needed and I prayed I was strong enough to give it to him. It was my chance to show him I could be patient.

With that, I watched him walk away until he disappeared around the corner, my heart aching. I was feeling even less sure of where we stood than when I left the museum this afternoon. I didn't blame him for his hesitation; he had every reason to be wary. But I knew deep down inside that I belonged with Edward and he with me; now all I could do was wait.

Okay, so they talked and Edward got a few things off his chest. We promise not to draw their separation out. We know everyone's been there, done that, and we're all ready for these two to kiss and make up. It's coming real soon.

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