Disclaimer: CSI:M characters that you do recognise do not belong to me, however the characters connected with Marisol in this chapter are mine.
Rebel and Change
When they arrived home it had begun to rain harder. Horatio switched off the engine. He looked over at her: Marisol was gazing off at a scene visible only to herself through the sheets of rain. The lollipop lay in her lap, forgotten. Her hands were in front of her, her left index finger absently scratching her right wrist. The itch seemed to have gone but it didn't seem like her mind was on the same level as her body's needs; the skin had a pink tinge to it that was slowly turning into a crimson streak. He watched in fascination as her nail finely peeled back layer after layer of skin. His mind automatically started listing: epidermis: keratinised layer, stratum spinosum, stratum basale - contains melanocytes, keratinocytes, Merkel ce…… HORATIO CAINE STOP! Thinking ashamedly that there could not be a more ungodly, indecent, unsuitable moment to be scientifically detached he reached out to touch her. His fingertips had barely made contact with her skin when she jumped as if something had exploded, goose-bumps everywhere, utterly startled, her hands stretched out, her legs coming up to brace herself for some invisible, impending crash. Her reactions happened so fast that he automatically said, "Marisol…it's all right…we're home."
"Horatio….I….I…I'm so sorry." she said embarrassed. She brought her legs back down to the floor mat and buried her hands under her legs. She shook her head vigorously in an attempt to physically clear her mind.
"It's all right, no need to apologise." he replied consolingly. The fear seen in her eyes was gone in an instant. His fingers caressed her bare arm trying to comfort her. It was meant to be solely comforting but there were more sparks going off than usual, not the least from him. They sat in silence for a moment. She turned to face him and gave him a tight smile when he unbuckled both their seat belts. "Stay here. I'm going to get an umbrella for you." He slipped out of the car and disappeared into the rain. Marisol felt foolish and a bit angry about being treated like a child. She forcibly tried to control her shaking by consciously tensing and clenching every muscle. She looked at the imprints on her hands that had been caused by her jeans – they were still shaking. She felt extremely cold. She pocketed her lollipop, reached behind her and grabbed the groceries. Taking a deep breath to steel herself against the pounding rain, she ran towards the door murmuring obscenities at herself for wearing high heels. Squinting through the rain she wasn't able to make out anything but silhouettes. She ran smack straight into Horatio who was just about to leave the doorway with the umbrella. He was caught by surprise as the hurtling figure ran head first into him, winding him slightly. Reflex kicked in; he dropped the umbrella and caught hold of her to pull her against him and shield her. Marisol, taken aback by the strong arms that had come out of nowhere instinctively resisted by dragging her heels slightly before realising it was Horatio, but by then it was too late. She slipped on the wet surface, throwing her weight forward. The groceries were tossed upwards as she grabbed the neck of his tee and tried to pull him back rather unsuccessfully.
THUD! They both landed on the floor – Marisol on top of Horatio. She immediately burst out laughing. Horatio on the other hand was not so amused.
"Are you ok?"
"Are you….are you…ok? You make a wonderful cushion." she gasped, a fit of giggles overcoming her, as they lay in the semi-darkness of the doorway.
"Think I may have lost a couple of brain cells," he said, irritated.
She kissed him on the forehead, "I'm sorry…" She saw him frown, the lines on his forehead clear-cut in the semi-darkness around them, "Oh Horatio, I'm sorry, I really am, but lighten up! That was so funny. C'mon think about it…" she twirled her finger in the air to imitate the cogs in his brain, turning, before starting to laugh again. She moved her hands up to his lips. "That's right Horatio! Gee finally, a smile!" she said in between giggles when his lips began to twitch upwards. "I'm sorry about that, but you really should know better than to grab someone like that," she said matter-of-factly, her lips close to his, her fingers threading through his hair.
He groaned in mock exasperation, grabbing her and rolling them around so that she was pinned under him. He adjusted himself so that she wasn't bearing his full weight. She let out another short giggle, surprised that he wasn't being so anal about lying wet on the floor. "Sweetheart, this is your fault. Why couldn't you just wait for the umbrella?"
"Just my rebellious nature." she replied coyly, batting her lashes at him.
Horatio rolled his eyes, "And if I have lost more than a couple of brain cells?"
Marisol punched him lightly. He gave a mock grimace. Her fingers slid up his arm, under his t-shirt, "Don't you roll your eyes at me Lieutenant." She pretended to think for a moment, but already had an answer, "Well I guess you won't be able to be 'Lieutenant' anymore because you'll be demoted. Your solved rate will drop-"
"You really have given this a lot of thought haven't you? One would think you were in league with the bad-guys!"
"Ah but I haven't finished…and then you'll have to take orders from that guy you had words with in the parking lot, the other day."
Horatio stopped stroking her face, his own aghast, "Hang on….of all the people you could have possibly thought of me taking orders from, you picked him? You're incredible, you know that?"
Marisol raised her eyebrows at him, and heard him mutter under his breath, she piped up, innocence flowing from her hazel eyes, "Oh yeah, that's it, Stetler. He seems like such a charming…"
"Sweetheart, don't even go there, please," Marisol laughed at his tone. "I don't care how rebellious you are, just don't mention Rick…" Thunder boomed suddenly, startling Marisol, she grasped him closer, "See even the weather doesn't like him," he commented dryly, "I wouldn't be surprised if he got a thunder-bolt hurled at him, one fine day. Idiot has it coming, after…"
Horatio was cut-off mid-sentence by Marisol arching her neck and kissing him. He liked it. He liked it a lot. He found it irresistible and succumbed at once to the attention she was lavishing on his lips. Their absence from each other again triggered something within him. He rolled them around again, feeling the urgency in her kiss as it became more demanding. Her hands had now slipped under his t-shirt at his waist, hot fingertips roamed on cold, damp skin. Her leg curled possessively around him as she pulled him closer into her. He broke the kiss, and asked playfully, "That is not me…and it can't be you can it?" referring to the hard lump he felt between them.
She let out a rather infectious giggle. "That is a lollipop…and I was going to say Rick Stetler seems like such a charming ass."
"Approved Miss Delektorsky," he replied beaming. She pushed his head down and kissed him again. He felt his heart rate double and wondered if that was her heart he could feel throbbing against him, in time with his. Their clothing had never felt more superfluous. His hands were out of control! He had no idea how they were now under her yellow halter, enjoying the smoothness and softness of her skin, before beginning to mold her back. Their whirlpool of lust was on the verge of spiraling out of control when he remembered where they were and where her actions were coming from.
He stopped. The funniness of him lying on the floor, willingly, truly dawning on him. He wondered why it had taken him so long to see it. Marisol let out, what could only be interpreted as a sigh of disappointment from under him, "What's wrong?" she asked.
"We're kind of getting wet and well I think my neighbors might call the cops on us for putting on such a show." He said good-naturedly, gesturing to the open door and sliding them along the floor further into the house. She gave a broad smile, mischief radiated from her body in waves that Horatio could not help but pick up.
He held her as he lifted them both up into a seating position. Marisol, still half-straddling him, massaged the back of his head and looked up into his eyes. Even though she couldn't see them she could sense the warmth coming from them, and suddenly she felt confused and scared. Everything went silent again. Her hand slipped away leaving Horatio certain that she was still in shock, her emotions swinging wildly like the pendulum of a 'cuckoo' clock. It was completely dark now. She lifted herself off him with an 'Ahem'.
"Can I put the lights on?"
"We could live in the dark." He joked back, only to be met with silence, "Uh…Marisol…" The silence just convinced him that he really shouldn't initiate jokes, it always backfired, "Uh…Sweetheart, I was kidding. Of course you can put the lights on." He heard the soft click and saw the seriousness of her expression.
"I'm sorry about the mess I've made." she said looking around at the scattered groceries.
Horatio said nothing but stood up and gave her a hug, she held onto him, "It's all right. You just need a little time." he whispered. She nodded mutely, pushing him away from her. She bent down and started gathering the items up. Horatio helped her. They each carried a bag to the kitchen.
"Marisol, I'm just going to get my jacket and shirt and lock the car."
"Sure," she replied her back to him. She took out a box of pasta and looked at it.
"Cupboard on the right." he called to her as he left. Marisol turned around to ask how he'd known but he had already left.
He returned minutes later to find that she had opened all his cupboards, revealing their bareness to him – Bare, just like certain areas of his life.
She stood back looking at it all, undecided about where to put the food he had bought. He came up quietly behind her and draped a large towel around her shoulders. He put his arms on top of hers and holding her hands within his he showed her where all the different things went. They worked in silence, but this time it was a comfortable silence. Horatio marveled at how perfectly she seemed to fit within him. How perfect this moment seemed to be. How they were able to do things without having to speak, her mind matching his. It was just as perfect as Yelina, if not more because this time there were 'no complications'; no guilty pangs when he thought of Marisol, no ghostly shadows lurking, no Stetler! no thoughts of '- if -', just happiness and now…
He wasn't allowed to complete his train of thought because now that they had finished she had turned around and had wrapped the towel around his slightly shivering form. "You're cold." she stated, turning him around and pushing him out of the kitchen, "How about you go and dry off or have a shower or whatever, and I'll make dinner? I'm sure I'll eventually find everything I need."
Horatio shook his head sternly, "I'm making dinner. I want you to relax! Marisol I mean it, go watch TV or something…" he tried to shoo her away with one hand while the other toweled his damp hair. Marisol just stared at the cutest picture of him; she imagined that this is what he'd look like when he woke up.
"What?" he asked bewildered, looking more boyish than ever.
"Nothing. Please let me help?"
"Marisol, that's out of the question. You're my guest now. I insist, really."
"But Horatio I…."
"Marisol I promise to ask for your help if I need it." It was said with such solemnity that she couldn't help but let out another giggle.
"Pinky promise?" she asked, holding out her little finger.
Much to his disgust, his hands seeming beyond his control again as his left hand magically raised his little finger, and wrapped itself around hers. He couldn't believe he was indulging this! "My word." he answered back, holding onto her hand, "Can I get you something right now though?"
"Water, please."
Horatio filled a glass and gave it to her, "Thanks Horatio."
He couldn't help but grin at her, "Pleasure Marisol."
A couple of minutes later, Horatio peeked in on her and saw her flicking through channels. He started to prepare dinner. Towards the end he called out to her to ask if she would like some wine with dinner but silence was all he received as a response.
"Marisol…" he began before seeing that she had fallen asleep on the couch; her legs were folded up under her, her neck resting on her shoulder at an awkward angle, one arm wrapped around her waist, the other splayed out, close to the tumbler of water. He was undecided; should he wake her up or let her sleep…plus there was the question of her medication. He wasn't sure when she had last eaten and well, he didn't want her to starve while she was under his roof. But her exhaustion was natural in such a situation. Tom and Jerry scampered across the screen while he made up his mind about what to do. He checked on the guest bedroom, turned the covers down and put fresh towels in the adjoining bathroom. He returned to the living room and carefully picked her up. She shifted in her sleep at the disturbance, stretching out in his arms and sighing. She was dead weight and he struggled a little with her as he climbed up the stairs. When he reached the top, her eyes fluttered open, hazy hazel eyes stared at him, blinkingly and unfocused, before curtaining down again. He laid her down on the bed and took off her high-heels wondering for the millionth time in his life, how women managed to pull off such balancing acts, and just how unnecessary it all was. She immediately curled onto her side. He removed the lollipop from her pocket and placed it on the little table next to the bed. Horatio drew the covers up, around her. He had just brought her duffel bag up to the room when the telephone began to ring. He dropped the bag quickly and lunged for the phone on the small table on the landing outside her room, quickly pressing the 'Talk' button before it had a chance to squeal again. He picked up the duffel again and deposited it on the easy chair in her room. Marisol shifted in her sleep.
"Hello?" he whispered.
"Horatio?" came a voice through the static.
"Raymond." he whispered, inching out of the room as Marisol stirred in her sleep again.
"Are you whispering in your own house because you've finally lost it, big brother? Is everything all right?" asked Ray genuinely concerned for his brother's mental state, "Nothing more happened this afternoon right?"
"Raymond!" he growled at the question about his senility, "Everything's fine."
"Then why are you still whispering?" pressed Ray.
Horatio sighed, "Marisol's staying here, and well I just put her to bed. I invited her over. And well you're supposed to be dead, remember?"
Ray stifled a laugh, "Horatio you know she's an adult, I'm sure she can put herself to bed."
"She fell asleep on the couch, Raymond." replied Horatio pointedly. He ran a hand over his jaw, "It's been a long day, Ray."
"I know." he replied apologetically, "I'm sorry I had to cut you off this afternoon. Yelina and I….we're…well we…"
The hesitation on his brother's part was enough, "Raymond…" the warning was clear.
"Nothing happened." Raymond added quickly, "It's just that…well tomorrow is her birthday, and I didn't know, and well Yelina still hates me for it but she won't let us put this behind us. She says I can't ignore her and forget about her."
"Raymond, she's right. Madison is your child."
"I know that…damn it!" He took a deep breath. "I know that…" he said more calmly, "I have missed out on a lot Horatio, I know I have. And well Ray seems to have taken to Madison and so has Yelina whether she likes to admit it or not, I know she has...and well considering that it's her birthday tomorrow, I want to open a college fund for her. Do you think you could open an account and then I'll wire the money through?" There was silence for a moment before Ray added, "And please say 'Hello' to Susie for me?"
Horatio was taken aback. He cleared his throat, "That won't be a problem. I'll send you the details as soon as I get them. And I will pass on your message, Ray." Hearing silence, "You're doing the right thing Ray."
Raymond sighed, "After a long time." he joked. Horatio smiled despite himself. "So how's Marisol holding up? How are you holding up?"
"She's still in shock. I'm hoping she gets a restful night…I'm fine… well you know…when we got the house call…"
"Hey man, don't go there. She's safe now and well she's with you; should be enough to scare off any criminals…" Horatio heard new voices at the other end, "Uhm…Yelina and Ray have just got back from a movie. You wanna speak to them?"
"I'd love to."
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Horatio hung up half an hour later, only to pick up his cell-phone five minutes later,
Seeing the caller ID, he answered quickly, "Eric?"
"H. is Marisol with you?" asked Eric worriedly.
"Uh Eric, she's asleep at the moment." He heard the younger man sigh, "Something happen?"
"Oh, no. It's just that her cell is turned off and well your house line was busy. I just wanted to wish her good-night and say I'd drop off some of the stuff she asked me for at your place tomorrow morning," he thought for a moment and added, "if that's ok with you, H.?"
"Of course Eric."
"Oh and another thing, when she does finally get up, could you please ask her to call Isabella."
"Will do Eric."
"Thanks H."
"No worries. Good-night."
"Bye H."
Horatio hung up, and glancing at the clock he decided to make one more call before it got too late.
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Marisol's eyes flew open as the gun-shot rang out. She was breathing hard. She sat up quickly, and immediately felt dizzy. She threw off the covers and tumbled to the wooden floor. She lay still for a moment looking up at the dark, unfamiliar ceiling, her limbs aching with pain. She closed her eyes and pressed her sweaty palms against the side of her throbbing head. Her ears were ringing, and she was covered in sweat. She felt another prickle of sweat leak out of her pores. She kept her eyes closed, still afraid but how could she escape the fear bunked in her mind? Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from her own consciousness, sleep unavailable. With every thought, she came to the same concluding image; a gun shot and blood seeping away from her prostate form as if she didn't have the right to own a life anyway. She clamped her ears shut, but that just made everything worse. The day's events and the rainy night just brought too many memories back. She sat up and banged her hand on the nightstand while groping around for the light switch. She peeked outside the room: There was a lamp on in the small lounge separating the two bedrooms on the upper floor. Horatio's bedroom was completely dark. Her feet felt cold and damp on the tile as she walked towards his room. She paused on the threshold feeling foolish for wanting him near her right now, needing his reassurance that everything was ok. What would she say to him? What would he think…his bedroom! Especially after the whole 'baby' conversation? Could she have picked out a better innuendo? Oh God! The last thing she wanted was to make a fool of herself again in front of him. Right cancel that Marisol, and get a grip, her mind urged sternly.
She headed back into the bathroom for a shower, feeling each sound echoed by the surrounding silence. She flinched each time hoping she hadn't disturbed him. She went back to bed and played with her PSP but somehow being Luke Skywalker and hacking away at storm-troopers wasn't doing it for her tonight. The rain started a heavy metal rhythm against the roof and windows.
Minutes later, she tip-toed back to his room before changing her mind at the last minute and going downstairs instead. She fumbled in the dark with the lock and held her breath as the verandah door slid back quietly…Well thank god the man oiled his hinges, not that she would have expected anything less from such a perfectionist. In fact she would have been damn disappointed if the door had creaked. The rain sprinkled her immediately, her tongue tasted sea as well as rain, a combination she hadn't experienced recently. She sat on the ledge, looking out towards the vague, black horizon line of water and sky. The sea was foaming, the breakers rising with malicious intent but then being buffeted back so hard by the wind that the spray pearled into vapor before her eyes. A streak of lightning followed by a clap of thunder tore the inky night into shreds. The tears she had held back all this time slipped out. She couldn't believe that she was crying… again. She soon tasted the beads, slipping from her eyes mixing with the rain and spray falling on her face, seeping in through her lips as she opened her mouth to take a ragged breath. She wasn't sobbing but the pressure in her chest was unbearable, it hurt to breathe, her lips opened again to try and sip in some air. How could a night like this not bring back all those memories? Memories that she had tried so hard to learn from and become a better person from. Memories she had tried to put behind her…memories…memories… memories that always came back to haunt…no matter how many happy memories she made…those ones still came back to haunt. If she couldn't control her own mind, what could she control? And now after today, a new memory to add…
She didn't know if it was her oxygen starved brain or his sudden presence next to her that suddenly choked her into taking a huge gulp of air. Keeping her head buried in the crook of her arm, she peeked through, "Well, well, well…" she paused for effect, "the man does own pyjamas."
"Living in a suit is harder than I make it look." was his easy reply. He bit down on his lip, a fist pushed against his mouth to restrain himself from saying her name, to tell her that he couldn't bear to see her like this. Her hair fell like a soft curtain on one side, he could feel it against his arm as it shielded her from him. Her legs were drawn up against her chest. He didn't like this new tact she was taking; keeping everything inside her till she was alone – it reminded him of himself, and he felt himself to be such a far-gone case. The thought of this happening to Marisol made him afraid, it wasn't right.
He leapt across the ledge. She moved back slightly. There was a flash of lightning that stilled everything for a moment, including their breathing. She fingered the faded tee he was wearing, "You're getting wet." she said simply.
"And you are not ok…" he trailed off.
Marisol nodded at this but said nothing more. She yanked on his hand to make him sit next to her, a little out of the rain. He sat back against the pillar and let his legs drop on either side. He pulled her up against him. She didn't resist him, her head fell back, onto his chest. Her gaze was still turned towards the sea.
Marisol suddenly felt the overwhelming need to tell him. There was something holding her back but she couldn't figure out what. Yet a moment later, the answer was crystal – her heart. It was all about the power of secrets…The vulnerability felt by chipping away the barriers around her heart-felt memories was terrifying. Telling him about it would be letting him into the most of private of her thoughts and feelings. She'd truly be giving her heart away to him. A difficult decision? When did you draw the line in a relationship of telling the person you're involved with your most intimate secrets and thoughts? Couldn't they turn it against you later? Couldn't they hurt you with it later? Couldn't that trust that one has during the relationship fall to pieces when it's over…all over? Although her cancer would make sure that her 'all over' was truly all over. But how else are you supposed to share your life with a person? It was her greatest fear….to truly open herself…to expose all the weaknesses and failings that she had, worse…would he still accept her after learning about them? But feelings, feelings she had for him, the way their hearts beat together, all that remained unspoken between them, words that did not need to be spoken. The love she had for him surely could not be mistaken. She couldn't be that big an idiot to fool her own self could she? She loved him, she couldn't put it any simpler or more complicated terms.
"Horatio?" she asked quietly,
"Yes?"
"D'you remember when I told you that Eduardo Viegas and me, that we're complicated. I want to tell you about it."
"You don't have to Sweetheart, no pressure here. We all need time…time." He said the words slowly, sadness imbibed in each one. Marisol lingered over the thought of asking about his past.
"I do Horatio, I really do and you may think I'm awful after this but a night…"
"Never Marisol." He whispered into her ear, his chin dropping against her shoulder.
"Ever since I was little I always tried to be different, I don't know why… it was just me. Blanca and Ekky were always so good. At one point, they even looked alike. They both had my dad's blue eyes and fair skin and all the women at church would croon over them and then there was me…I've got my Mom's eyes but that's about all I've inherited from her. I was never as pretty or as liked as they were. I was the tomboy, the troublemaker, which I think, is partly one of the reasons that Eric and I have always gotten on so well. Before Eric made an entrance, my dad was the only one who could get through to me when I did something wrong. I was like him – stubborn to the limit! And then when Eric came along I was thrilled, we were all thrilled about having a little brother. But then I began to feel neglected; my dad began to spend less time with me. I wasn't jealous of Eric; I was just upset with my parents. I couldn't claim that innocence of being the last-born anymore – of being able to get away with anything. I was expected to act responsibly now and be a good elder sister, something that Blanca and Ekky did with perfection. So I used to 'hang out' more, mainly with the older kids at school. It was fun, my family often joked that I got along better with my sisters' classmates than they did. And then when I started high school I started going out more; late nights and parties became frequent. My parents never got too worried because the whole community looked out for each other then. My grades dropped but only slightly. My passions roamed very freely, I joined and did everything but I had a problem with authority. I hated it. Being a rebel was more than second nature. I never committed to anything fully either…I showed passionate interest but never was I committed heart and soul…Never…I was scared of doing that. Bella and I are really different that way; she's always been committed to whatever she signed up for or whomever she got involved with. We had a 'group' culture back then…a couple of us friends would get together, get wasted together maybe make-out. We kinda became better friends like that. It wasn't really 'free love' as such. We were just enjoying each other.
And then the summer before starting tenth grade, I went for Russian classes and this guy Javed Riout, about the same age as me and was really gifted with languages, had a summer job teaching French to the younger kids. He had come from Quebec for the summer. He was an awesome guy, a bit shy at first and I was probably a bad influence on him. Whenever we met, we connected with intensity…somehow… we just connected. He soon became part of my group and ended up transferring high schools from Montreal to Miami. Eduardo was part of my group too. Eddy and I have known each other for ages, we used to go for catechism together. As a group we did everything: weed, cigs, alcohol, all types of rec drugs."
Not wanting to make it sound like a druggie group, even though it had been more than 10 years ago and in light of the fact that Horatio equaled law enforcement, Marisol hastened to add, "We didn't just get high as a group we also talked a lot about things going on at the time…we were all pretty smart, most of us straight A students. We used to like philosophising, thinking we owned the world, that nothing could really break us…Anyway Eddy and I had this connection too, we were a sort of on/off couple. We never officially went out or broke up, but we did date a couple of times. Neither of us committed and that suited us both fine. Our connection was purely physical. We both excited each other, we could literally combust. I enjoyed the power I had over him with the briefest touch. Physicality was the only thing we had. We fooled around a lot but never actually slept together. Again I wasn't willing to commit that far. Javed asked me to go out with him on Halloween in eleventh grade. I surprised myself by saying 'yes'. He loved me, and I felt I was in love too. This was different from flings I'd had with other guys. He just seemed like a soul-mate. He was the first person I slept with, we were both virgins then and well it's so embarrassing to say this but…" She closed her eyes, searching for the words, Horatio waited patiently. He had released her from his embrace to give her some space. Somehow that burning jealousy and anger he felt when he thought about Eduardo Viegas didn't seem to hurt him that much anymore, "Well we were obsessed with each other. Bella couldn't understand it. Because we spent so much time with each other, she asked what the hell we talked about? What newness could there be when we seemed to spend all our time together? We just did, both of us random in our own way. He was one of the few people I trusted enough. Sex between us just happened, it felt right, safe but he never quite made me feel that spark that Eddy could with the briefest kiss. After a while, even though I loved Javed I started messing around with Eddy, especially during summer when Javed would go on holiday. The problem was that Javed couldn't dance to save his life and well Eddy had natural rhythm, and when we danced together it was close to carnal the moves we did together. The rush I got from it, it was as good as having just had mind-blowing sex. I tried to teach Javed but it was just awkward. Eddy and I seemed so natural when we danced. I always felt awful after it, and I promised myself that I'd never do it again but it happened. Being in a relationship with someone as wonderful as Javed didn't kill my restless, internal rebel. I guess I got a cheap thrill when I got with Eddy. I always needed some kind of change, and Eddy was more than happy to be that change. I really didn't deserve Javed.
Our senior year was filled with hard work and even harder play, we had binges every weekend and tottered in on Monday mornings, disheveled and often hung-over. When Graduation week finally came around we had our own celebrations: a one-week high leading up to grad day. It was a wonder we didn't get alcohol poisoning. We couldn't stop giggling after we put on our gowns. We were all slightly stoned or drunk when we went to collect our diplomas. We were so nervous about appearing 'normal' so that kinda made us take in a little extra. I remember having to constantly poke Isabella in the ribs because she couldn't stop giggling during the Valedictorian speech. A bit earlier, we had made her smoke a joint to calm her down because she was so nervous about her Honor Society speech. After the ceremony we all went and spent time with our families. Both my sisters had come from college, and everyone seemed so proud of me that I couldn't help but feel happy. I think they were all worried that I'd pull some stunt with my education. All my friends and I graduated with Honors, it was funny seeing the look on everyone's faces especially the ditzy cheerleaders when we were called up. A lot of my class mates thought it was fucked up; smoking away our brain cells and graduating with Honors." Horatio felt a smile breaking out on his face as he heard her describe it, his imagination perhaps getting the better of him, "We were supposed to meet up after dinner and have the ultimate weekend before splitting away for summer and college. The time of our lives we did have that weekend. I was excited about going to Portugal, for the summer, for the first time, all by myself. Javed wanted to come to Europe with me for summer but I had my own doubts. I wanted my freedom. Besides what would be the point of having a romantic summer with the person you were madly in love with only to get back and have to part ways in September? I knew that would happen even though we hadn't talked about the future. I wasn't going to fool myself about maintaining long-distance! The rebel in me just wouldn't allow it. On Sunday evening we were all punch drunk on vodka and pure happiness, out by Mi Casa point. Everyone kind of drifted off, when Bella left with Barry, I asked her to cover for me if the parents should ask for me, something she was all too used to doing for me by now. Then it was just the three of us: Eddy, Javed and me. Not willing to let either of them go and being obsessed with them both, I stayed back, putting off words and actions of goodbye that I would hate. Even though I knew that I would see them the next day, I still didn't want to say goodbye as yet because after today it would all change or rather we would all change. It began to rain and we stayed out there. It was fun getting soaked, messing around in the rain, reveling in the last moments of high-school friendship. I don't know if it was lack of sleep or maybe we'd just drunk and smoked way past our bodily limits, and perhaps because it was just the three of us…a fight broke out between the boys. Javed thought I'd been unfaithful, we had argued about it before but that was all. I never told him what I did with Eddy, it would have hurt him too much. They started fighting, it was more like wrestling each other in the mud. I screamed at them to stop but they both yelled at me to shut up. Getting up suddenly required an enormous amount of effort. I stumbled over to them and tried to push them apart when Eddy pushed me to the ground and kissed me. I don't know if I want to remember but I forget whether I kissed him back or not because Javed kicked him in the stomach. It was too much for him…"
Horatio felt her tears, unnoticed by her, falling on his hands. Seeing her expressionless face and her tears streaking luminous tracks down her face, gave him a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach about what happened next, "…It all happened so quickly then, they yelled and fell over the ledge. I ran to the edge – they were both clutching onto dirt with their fingertips. I grabbed both of their hands. They were both heavy; the rain weighing them down more. And there it was… I was faced with the most horrible choice of who to pull up first. They were holding on as if their lives depended on it. I guess they did. The height wasn't life threatening, at least I didn't think it seemed so. I just froze, holding them in the rain. Of course if I were really in love, I would have pulled up Javed without second thought, but the hesitation lingered as the seconds stretched into eternity. It was agony Horatio. I don't know what came over me but I pulled up Eduardo first. Even through the pouring rain Javed's eyes flashed hurt and betrayal. I'll never forget the look he gave me."
Her back was heaving with effort as she sought to keep her voice firm, and not give into her sobs, "The awfulness of what I'd done hit me with full force. He couldn't believe it, Jesus, I couldn't believe it! How could I have picked that shallow bastard out to score with every chick he had a chance with, over Javed? I begged Eddy to come help me but he was stumbling towards the road-side, too keen on self-survival. I begged Javed to grab my other hand but he didn't. He just mouthed 'I love you,' before his hand slipped from mine. Horatio, the hurt of not being able to save him…how it was my fault, I wasn't strong enough… emotionally or physically…I was just as shallow as Eddy. He fell onto the rocks and screamed in pain. How Eddy kept walking when he heard that scream, I don't know, he just continued on his way. I don't remember how I got down to him, just that it took a very long time. His leg was broken, the bone had come through the skin,"
Marisol, swallowed feeling the bile at the back of her throat, her arms were gripped tightly around herself, and she was pale all over now. Horatio thought she was going to faint and kept an arm out just in case. "He was in so much pain, so much. There wasn't a lot of blood, but the color of his bone and the way it was sticking out was disgusting. I managed to drag him up a bit higher onto the rocks, he swore every second. It hurt me as much as it hurt him. Very slowly I managed to stand him up. I felt betrayed that he was reluctant to let me help him, how could he not know that I couldn't bear to see him in pain? Together we made it to the roadside and flagged down a driver. She took us to Dade Memorial and he was admitted immediately. It was hard to confess that we had been drinking or getting stoned, in enormous amounts - again the authority problem but I had to tell them because Javed's stomach contents had to be pumped before he was given the anesthetic for surgery, and the last thing he needed were complications. A nurse insisted I get checked out because I was covered with cuts and bruises. My dad came in. I just broke down when he spoke to me. Why did it have to hurt so much? Even worse was when Javed's parents came to thank me for bringing him to the hospital. I wanted to tear out my ears, my eyes, my mouth and especially my heart…rip out everything that made me feel because they all hurt me so much. The alcohol soon wore off and the misery was made worse by the hangover coming on. Javed had the surgery and we were all told to go home because the anesthetic wouldn't wear off till much later. It was an incredibly long night, a night that just made me grow up. I felt damaged, things weren't supposed to have ended this way. That whole innocence would never be mine again because of my stupidity, my own selfish desires. Life flashed into perspective. I couldn't keep it inside me and told my dad about it when we were driving home in the morning. I still kinda got a lecture but it was still an adult-adult conversation. I know my dad felt it was his fault too that I'd wandered down the path that Ekky and Blanca never ventured onto. My pain was his pain now. I spent the next five days at the hospital. I was going to cancel my trip and spend time with Javed, but he wouldn't let me. He was often, rather conveniently 'asleep' when I visited and when I finally did manage to catch him awake, he said that things would never be the same. He wanted to say good-bye. I couldn't understand it. I wanted a second chance, but he didn't want any more pain. It was a shock for both of us to say good-bye like that. It was hard not to cry for both of us. His last words cut me completely, he said, 'Sola,' he always called me that for some reason, 'I hope I never fall in love again – because I've already experienced love and it, no you and what we have is the best thing I ever had.' The words 'I love you' hovered in the air between us, waiting, willing to be said, it just didn't happen – perhaps I should have but I was hurting too much. When I got home that day, Eddy was waiting for me. We went into my room where he tried to 'comfort' me and well…" She was cringing now, her fingers and toes curling, as she pulled her knees harder against her chest, "It just spiraled out of control, he wouldn't listen. Isabella and Eric arrived when it was getting out of hand and ended up throwing him off me and out of the house. The next day I left for Portugal – there was a lot on my mind to pass away the 16- hour journey. Instead of having the wild summer that I'd planned to have I spent a lot of time roaming around, just thinking. I met people and made new friends, we went out a lot at night, but there was a change, I was able to stand back and observe myself, not get completely carried away by the moment but still be able to live it. When I got back, Javed was gone. He left me a note but it was just to do with good-bye. It still hurt to read it, but now I could see myself working through this. And before I knew it, I was off to college and well life kind of happened after that."
A clap of thunder silenced her, she sneaked another look at him, he was staring at her intently, "Please don't look at me like that Horatio."
He looked confused, "Like what sweetheart?"
"That look you give all your victims. It's a special look, and I don't want it. I wasn't a victim, it's my fault."
Horatio felt unsure about what to do or say next, his eyes shifted from her and he became restless, "It wasn't entirely your fault. Definitely life changing, but people do all kinds of crazy things when they're young, not do but are a part of."
Marisol looked at him kindly for his blinding naiveté, "No, Horatio, it's entirely my fault. It could have been a lot worse in terms of what happened to Javed – that's the only saving grace."
Horatio didn't know what to say next. She slipped back into his arms. Amongst their differences, he had found a rare similarity between them, except she hadn't realized it yet – the whole guilt complex affected them both albeit it had been acquired from different situations. His jealousy of Eduardo Viegas was gone. It didn't matter anymore, he had perhaps acted like a fool when it came to Viegas, but no less like a human. As the jealousy blew away, anger settled in – anger that he had had the chance to hurt Marisol more than once.
"You don't think any less of me now, do you, Horatio?" she asked hesitantly.
"Absolutely not…I'd never think that about you. It's what being young is all about, Marisol." His fingers traced her hairline, before gently touching the dressing, she automatically squirmed away from his touch, "I'm sorry."
"Don't stop Horatio, I don't think I can be alone." She replied throatily, kissing the back of his hand. "The rain muffles the gun-shot, Horatio."
He took a deep breath before whispering in her ear, "Do you want to talk about it?"
She shook her head mutely. He didn't push the matter further. Letting her rest in his arms, he gently began tracing out her features. "What would you like to do now Marisol?"
"Stay like this forever, with you, Horatio." She said sighing before meeting his eyes for the first time. She glanced down again, not expecting him to say anything, not wanting him to say anything, knowing he wouldn't say anything. A roar of thunder killed the conversation. There was another fork of lightning that illuminated the vulnerability of the moment for both of them. Another flash of lightning and thunder-clap blasted through the dark.
Horatio couldn't swallow…he suddenly had difficulty breathing. How did she make him fall for her more and more each time? Dare he tell her, his own thoughts about the day? Wasn't the power of secrets that she had overcome, still holding him back? His demons… He could feel her body relaxing in his embrace as her eyelids began to flutter.
"Bed…" he whispered, picking her up and carrying her upstairs. He paused for a moment at the top of the stairs and then carried her into his bedroom. Seeing the question in her eyes as he set her down, "I'm sure Marisol."
"Thanks." She noticed then that the bed hadn't been slept in yet. She waited for him to lie down next to her. When he did, she pressed herself against him, enjoying the warmth of his embrace and the comfort his presence gave her. His shower gel or whatever he had on right now had that 'manly' scent that greatly appealed right now to her senses, she held him closer, her eyes staring into his. He pulled up the sheets around them.
"I'm sorry Horatio."
The words that had been about to trip off his tongue were suddenly replaced with, "About what Sweetheart?"
"You scared me Horatio, you could have died today. Ryan said there was a shooting. I guess I…" Her eyes left his as she ducked her head pretending to snuggle into him when really she was rolling her eyes upwards to stop anymore tears from slipping out, yet her voice betrayed her by breaking a little, "I guess I never really thought about how dangerous your job is and how easily you could die." Their hands came together, "I'm sorry for asking you to do it. It wasn't right."
"Don't be." He replied detached, feelings of being unprofessional crept back again.
Marisol didn't notice as she turned around and nestled her back into him, "I have a feeling I'll sleep better now…Thank-you," she felt utterly spent but happy. She just wanted to do it before she fell asleep,"…I love you, Horatio." She said in a clear tone, before finally giving in to heaviness that weighed down her eyelids.
Horatio's head jerked up off his pillow in shock. It was said so purely like there was no other truth in the world but her words. His adrenaline suddenly surged as he unconsciously pulled her closer to him, he tried his best to restrain his happiness by giving into a smile but his vocal chords didn't seem to be vibrating correctly. The minutes ticked by as he got over his shock. Lifting his head again he saw she was already asleep. "I love you too," he whispered in her ear, playing with a lock of her hair, before gently kissing her cheek. Horatio was ready to swear that he had seen her smile in her sleep at his words.
Sleep did not come to Horatio that night as he lay with her listening to her breathing and feeling her heart beat against his palm. His eyes felt heavy at one point but they never really closed. All kinds of things were happening inside him, it was strange to feel happy yet melancholy – all alone with his thoughts.
Author's Note: sorry guys couldn't help but put the pun in about the cuckoo clock. This has to be the biggest chapter for me so far, and the reason I've taken so long to put it up is because a) the summer got the best of my muse and b) I wanted the details of Marisol's past to flow right, I wanted everything to be just right, but I've ruminated over some of it for way too long in my head leading to a sense of seeming a bit toooo dramatic but I hoped you enjoyed reading it. Like I said this was a really big chap for me, so it would mean a lot if you would drop me some feedback, even if it's just a line that would be awesome. Hope you guys have all had a swell summer! Cheers!