The nightmare

Suddenly doctor Flynn's words sound in my head "why you don't like yourself Ana?"

Christian is standing next to me and kisses me passionately. Suddenly he starts going away, he looks at me and laughs, he laughs really loud, it's because of something in me. I look at myself, but there is nothing wrong, I'm just naked, as always. The sound of his laugh gets louder. I'm distressed, I try to touch him, but I can't, and he keeps going further away from me. I can't stop his laughs. I start crying and mi name keeps sounding in my head: Ana, Ana.

I wake up with Christian calling me. "Ana, Ana, love wake up, Ana it's me, you're at home". I look at him distraught and throw my arms around his neck. I can't help crying. "Ana, it was just a nightmare, its ok baby".

But it was not. It wasn't just nightmare. Flynn's words have brought back my worst ghosts. I will see him again tomorrow.

On my way to his office, I think about our last appointment. My confusion and his confidence, and finally, the point that Flynn wants to talk about: why I don't like myself? I accepted to have a couple of sessions with him. Maybe it will be good to finish with this for once.

I remember the surprised face of Christian when he asked about my meeting with Flynn. "I promised him to go back for a couple of sessions" I explained. His beautiful grey eyes look at me confused and I see the insecurity appeared in them. Oh, he thinks we are going to talk about his life. I rush to try to dissipate that shadow in his eyes: "It's just that Flynn thinks he can help me with some old issues" – I stay quiet for a moment – "of my childhood", I finish. His eyes open wide. Trying to tame his surprise, he smiles at me and says: "Why? Are you a lost girl that was adopted too?" I smile back but don't answer. At least Christian doesn't insist this time.

-"Good afternoon doctor Flynn"

-"Good afternoon Ana, take a sit, please. Is everything fine?" He asks smiling.

Felling a little resigned about this meeting, I smile back and answer, undecided. "Yes, everything is fine". But he notices the doubt in my voice. "What happened Ana?" he says. God, how can this man notice that something is wrong? I stay quiet. Flynn doesn't take his eyes of me, he keeps staring at me. I don´t know how long we stay like this, in silence. I fidget in my char, look at my hands, my fingers intertwine. He waits for me to talk. Tired of the silence, I finally make a decision and talk:

"Look doctor, since our last meeting I haven't stop asking myself the question you made me. And you know what? It is extremely unpleasant to think about it all day long. Looking for answers that maybe doesn't exist, because maybe it's enough with looking at me in the mirror and see who I am!" My cheeks are blushed and my voice sounds shaken. Doctor Flynn, instead, doesn't move an inch, it seems like he didn't registered everything I said. And then, he answers me: "Well Ana, and what did you find out?"

I look puzzled and he repeats: "What have you found out this week that you have been thinking about my question?" I don't answer, I grab my hair –I'm wearing it down today- I toy with it and look at him. I regain my calm. I doubt a little. I talk:

"I have found out that there is some truth in what you told me, I don't like myself" and I feel more clam once I said it, as if I had told a big secret that weighed my heart. However, Flynn doesn't seem impressed and says: "Come on Ana, I was hoping that you had found out some more". I look at him in shock, with all it took to say it in the first place.

My subconscious glances, as if to say something, but shuts up and goes back to her reading. Flynn charges against me once more, "Ok Ana, I see by your face that it has meant a great effort to assume that you're not comfortable with yourself. Let's change the strategy a little bit, if it is alright with you". He looks at me waiting for my approval, I nod quietly. "Ana, have you had any abnormal behavior this week? Something that has you worried? Any dream?" I paled, has Christina been talking with him? Of course he did, my subconscious yells. Fine, if I'm already here, it may be better to start talking. I nod and feel the images come back to me, clearer than in my nightmare.

Slowly I tell him my dream, with all the details, the laugh, the feeling that something is wrong, my nakedness, the distance with Christian, my distress.

"What do you think the nightmare means, Anastassia?" I sigh and answer, "I think it means that Christian mocks at me for something I cannot control and leaves me". Once I finish the sentence, I choke up and my anxiety returns.

-"Why do you think he is going to leave you, Ana"

-"Because I'm not worthy" I answer without thinking. "I'm not worthy of his love", I can't stand it anymore and start crying.

Doctor Flynn gives me a box of tissues and observes my patiently. When I start to feel better, he says: "Ana, why do you think you are not worthy of his love? You know every problem that Christina has had in his life; you know it better than anyone. You have known his sexual preferences, you have deal with them, you left him Ana and because of that he found out that he needed you". Flynn is silent.

He sounds like Christian, those are the same words. Maybe it is a speech he learnt from Flynn. The truth is I know that leave him saved us both. It is also truth that I'm still afraid that our vanilla relationship it's not enough for him. But I'm not afraid that he leaves me because of that. The answer to my fears is right in front of me, every time I look at myself in the mirror. Deep down of me, in the deepest of my being, I know that he is almost like a Greek god, with an unnatural beauty and I'm just Anastassia, the ugly bird with skinny legs that every boy makes fun of.

I said it softly; it's a confession that hurts me really deep. Anastassia had never been kissed; Anastassia had never been fucked; Anastassia had never been loved… till Christian came around.

Flynn smiles at me: "Very good Ana, I think we made real progress today. What we'll do in our next sessions is work in the reasons of your low self-esteem. I'm sure that you are not looking at yourself in the same mirror as we and we have to find out why, you deserve that Ana".

I blow my nose and shake his hand. Flynn surprised me with a hug and scratches my head, as if I was a little girl. At first my body tenses, but then I relax. I take a deep breath, Christian said that he would come to pick me up and he won't like the face I have now, he will want an answer and I don't know if I want to talk about it.

"Good by doctor Flynn" I whisper.

"Good bye Ana". And I close the door.