My father's death

It has never been easy to talk about what I feel, what happens to me. I have tried to be invisible for a long time and I have almost made it.

I leave doctor's Flynn office, but Christian is not here to pick me up, Miss Prescott is instead, with an excuse look. What a disappointment. I get on the car immerse in my sorrows, I needed so much his hug.

I review my history with Christian on my mind… He believed that I was a born submissive. Maybe it was my shyness, my clumsiness, or my weak complexion. He was wrong. It is true that I don't want to be seen, don't want to be found, but also don't want to be told what to do. Maybe it's true that I am a complicated woman, frustrating, but a submissive?

Thinking about me as one more of the 15 other has made my bile rise in my throat. I remember our brake up, my pain. My subconscious is mad and asks me to stop. I'm on my way to Escala, Prescott is driving and I know that I will have to deal with mister domineering's interrogatory. I'm not in the mood today.

I decide to go ahead of the facts, maybe I'll avoid get drown in Christian's thousands questions that I don't want to answer. I grab my Black berry and write:

To: Christian Grey

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Bad day

Hi,

Today hasn't been a good day, not after my talk with Flynn, and neither after I found out that you weren't waiting for me and that I had to settle with Prescott. However, I'm tired and I don't want to fight. I'm on my way to Escala. I sincerely hope your hug without questions.

Yours,

Anastasia Steele

Editor SIP

I press send and keep staring at my Black Berry waiting for his answer, but it doesn't come. The traffic is horrible and the car is barely moving. I want to jump outside and walk, feeling the wind on mi face, refresh my thoughts, but I know that if I do I'll have a big problem with mister control freak and I already said that I don't want to fight. I look at my phone again, but there's still no answer. I sigh; I hope he is not mad. I hold myself and shudder. I don't love me.

When I got into the apartment hall, I don't see Mrs. Jones or Taylor. There's silence in the floor. Everything is in darkness. Prescott disappears trough Taylor office and I keep walking looking for Christian, but I don't see him. Maybe it's too late and he is in our room. Suddenly I find a piece of paper on the floor, I pick it up and it has my name written on it. I would know Christian's writing anywhere. I open it to read it:

"Dear Miss Steele. Please be kind to leave your purse, change your shoes and dress warmly. I'll wait four you on the balcony.

Yours,

C".

My heart misses a beat and I run to our room, following the instructions on the paper. I put on my home shoes and wrap myself on a shawl. Then I go to the balcony, slowly. It's unbelievable how just the promise of that man changes my mood. Would he want to play today? I reach the door and it suddenly opens, at the other side there is a relaxed Christian, waiting for me and there is a table for two. He is wearing a white linen shirt, opened to his chest, light jeans and home shoes. God, he is delicious.

-"I thought that maybe today you needed some of that vanilla relationship that you like so much", he smiles and I wrap myself around his neck, I hug him tightly and he answers my hug a little confused.

-"What's wrong baby? It's not an interrogatory; I just want to know what has you like this".

I can't lie to him, but I don't want to delve into this, so I kiss him passionately, it's the only way I have to make sure he is mine. He answers the kiss but suddenly moves away. "I know where you want to go Miss Steele and don't doubt it, I want it to, but first you have to eat and let go of what weighs you down". I grimaced, but give in and look around.

The table is beautiful, with flowers and hearts. I sit down and smile, Mrs. Jones has left a cold dinner. I can make out some kind of roast beef and a rainbow of vegetables in different sauces. Everything is mouthwatering and I'm starving. Christian pours the wine and gives me a glass. "Thank you" I say. It's been a long day, and a tough afternoon. Will I ever get used to all the attention from this Greek god sitting in front of me? He pampers me like a child. My favorite wine, a delicious dinner and Seattle at my feet. I smile, Christian looks at me and says: "I would drive myself crazy if I couldn't see that smile of yours. I lights up my life". And I know he means it, his eyes are darker and the anxiety shines in them. I'm not able to hold his gaze; I blush and drop my eyes, fixing my gaze on the glass I'm holding. "Eat" he says and sighs giving himself encouragement: "poor Mrs. Jones has been running to make you this dinner". I look at him reproachfully, as if sensing my words he continues: "But Gail loves you so much, that she did it happily. Nothing is enough to cheer you up. She made your favorite dessert, I thought it was Vanilla ice cream", he smiles. He looks so young, so relaxed with his playful eyes, so different from the man I met a couple months ago. "Chocolate mousse" he says and puts on the table two beautiful cups with a mint leaf on the top. Mrs. Jones outdid herself.

"Chocolate mousse" I repeat, "but Mrs. Jones did have something wrong". Christian looks at me confused. "You are my favorite dessert" and my foot reaches his crotch under the table. Christian jumps and catches my foot. "I see dinner has changed your mood for the better, he says. I nod.

We've eaten and enjoyed everything, almost quietly. Christian is checking every move I make. I outdid myself trying to eat everything. I haven't said a thing and I know that Christian hopes an act of trust on my part; this is the time to talk.

I take a deep breath and begin: "Christian, the truth is that this sessions with doctor Flynn haven't been easy and I don't think they will be in the future" I smile resigned, Christian doesn't take his eyes away from me, trying to guess my next words. "It seems that in one visit, Doctor Flynn has managed to unravel my ghosts and my fears. I'll be honest, I had never been worried about the image I had of myself. Since I can remember I have felt…" I stop to find the words, Christian looks at me while holding my hand. "I feel small and insignificant. A battered old bird that nobody sees". Christian tries to say something, "Ana", he starts, but I stop him, "you wanted me to talk, I'm trying to, but it's not easy for me". He kisses my knuckles and squeezes my hand. I carry on. "But everything changed when you saw me, somehow you found me and these feelings of yours, so intense and beautiful have me confused, they have flattered me, scared me".

"Scared you", he interrupts. "Yes, scared me. I have never felt this connection with anyone, this dependence, and to think that one day you will leave me…" He interrupts "I won't leave you Ana, how can you think that! Is this because of our vanilla relationship? God, Ana, I have told you that I want whatever kind of relationship you want, I just need you, nothing else". He says it sincerely and he overwhelms me with his words, I stay quiet. "Sorry" he says and sits down next to me to hold me. Those strong arms, that cover me and comfort me, I could stay like this for hours, but I want to end this: "Christian, this is not about you and that's what Doctor Flynn wants to talk about. He thinks that there is something in my past that makes me afraid of abandonment and my poor perception of myself must have the same cause. On my next session, Doctor Flynn will hypnotize me to see if he can find something". He looks at me with pity; I think he is afraid for me, for what I can find out; maybe that's how he knew about his birth mother. Oh! I just thought about it and it probably is. I won't ask, I prefer to leave it. I keep going: "It probably won't be easy and I want you to be there" I finish. "Oh, Ana, of course I'll be with you baby" and he holds me tight.

We'll do the hypnosis on our apartment, Christian insisted on it and Flynn accepted it. By my request it won't be in our room, it will be in the library, where we put a sofa and two chairs, one for Flynn and one for Christian. I'm wearing grey cotton slacks that fall without much grace from my hips and a black t-shirt. I'm comfortable, but anxious; I wonder what Flynn could find out. I'm afraid that there may be some stuff that I rather not know; maybe that's why I forgot them. My whole body tenses when Taylor comes in and announces him, "Mr. Grey, Doctor Flynn is on his way up".

The door of the elevator opens and the Doctor appears. "Good afternoon" he says. "Good afternoon Doctor" I say, and Christian just shakes his hand and smiles. "Everything is ready" he says, and for some reason he seems excited about this. Maybe it's because I asked him to stay or maybe it's just a way to hide his nervousness. I don't know.

"Let's start then" says Flynn. My heart tightens; I feel a lump in my throat and my muscles tense as we enter the library. "Sit down Ana, make yourself comfortable. The idea is that you can support your head, so all the muscles on your body relax. You are going to close your eyes and focus on your breathing, in and out; with every breath, you are going to relax a part of your body: your feet, your ankles". I feel like if Flynn voice has changed, becoming more monotonous. He keeps speaking slowly, and suddenly says: "Let's go to your last day of school Ana, high school, this will be the last day in that place, do you see it Ana?" "Yes" I answer. "Very good Ana, what do you see?" he asks. "I'm in my classroom, picking up my books, I am alone and sad, I take my things and leave, I stop at the door and look to my table empty" I say. "Very good Ana, I want us to go a little further back, let's go to your 15th birthday, do you remember it?" he asks. "No" I answer drily and frown. "Nothing Ana?" he insists. "No" I almost shout. "Ok Ana, let's see if you remember your first day at school". I stop frowning, and feel like a kid again. "Who are you with Ana?" "I'm with my mom and Ray. I'm wearing my blue dress and my hair is in a bun to tight, it hurts". "Ok, and what are you doing Ana?" "I'm going into a big and very bright classroom, there is a black woman that spreads her arms, but I don't want to go, I cling to the Ray's arms and cry. My mom pulls me harder and they both leave. I stay crying alone". In my innocence am surprised by that memory. The truth is that I had forgotten it; I just had some flashes, like pictures, of that day. "Ana, we are going even further back, you are a baby, tiny and defenseless. We are going wherever your mind wants us to go, okay? Flynn says. "Yes". He keeps talking, "you are little and there is someone looking at your face closely, who is it Ana?" "It's my dad" I say, "Ray?" Flynn asks. "No, my dad" I answer. "Okay Ana, what do you see?" "He is looking at me and he is happy. He takes me in his arms and holds me tight, it hurts and I cry, my mom comes running and takes me away from him. They fight and he goes away. Mom screams at him, I think a door bangs. No daddy don't go, stay with me, I won't cry again, daddy!" I sound like a gasp. "What's going on Ana" Flynn intervenes. "I'm alone in my crib, I'm cold and hungry. I cry but nobody comes to see me. I cry harder, but nothing happens. A woman takes me and carries me to my mom. Mom looks at me, but doesn't hold me. Mommy please hold me, why won't you hold me? I cry, mommy is alone and dark". "Dark?" Flynn asks. "Dark, her clothes is dark and daddy is gone, he never came back, he died" and I start crying.

"Wake her up". It's Christian talking. "Wait a second Grey". "No, now, wake her up for God's sake Flynn!" I hear him anguished. "Okay, wake up Ana, come back with us". I open my eyes and sit up quickly, with the anguish still in my heart, I hug Christian and say "my daddy died because I cried, it's my fault!" I sob. Flynn gives me a tissue and says: "Ana, what you lived today will allowed you to understand some things about yourself. I believe that you know that what happen to your father was an accident and that a little baby doesn't have a way to be responsible for that. Do you?" He sounds protective. While Christian doesn't let go of me, I answer "yes, I know Doctor Flynn". "Alright Ana. The important thing now is that we found out some things about your fear of abandonment, don't you think?" Christian intervenes "I think it's enough for today John". "Yes Christian, we are finished. Ana, think about what happened today, next session will be easier that this one, I promise". "Thank you Doctor". "Please, after all this, you can call me John". "Thank you John", I smile feeling thankful and embarrassed. Christian holds me and finally this is over.