The 15th birthday

As if there was any doubt, once we got on the elevator he pushed me against the wall, and stuck his tongue on my mouth, barely letting me breathe. My hands are entwined in his hair while he pulls mine, possessing me completely. As always, the elevator ride was very short and I remembered our first time in an elevator.

"What's with the elevators" he said with a carefree smile and I knew that his temper had been left in the car.

Even so, I wanted to leave my answer to his mail written, so while he was looking for two glasses and wine, I pulled out my BlackBerry and wrote:

To: Christian Grey

From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Yours forever

We are in this together. Do you remember why I left? Because you could not stand that I loved you. I just want to tell you that deserve my love as much as I do yours. I love you and yes, I'm yours forever.

Yours,

Anastasia Steele

Editor SIP

-oOo-

"Well Anastasia? Am I crazy or am I right?" And just like that, my fifth session with Flynn began. I couldn't help my smile once I got in his office. "You have a good memory John, the truth is that I haven't made my decision yet. I'm thinking about it while we go through our sessions".

"Very good Ana. I think we still have a couple of things to do, right? Where do you want to start, darling?"

There was something different in Flynn's voice this time. Maybe he realized that I'm not the spoiled girl that is judged harshly, even though she's had it all in her life. Sure, next to Christian's suffers, mine seems bad taste. A clumsy and dumb girl, who feels abandoned by her father's death, her mother's incomprehension, the reject of her stepfather, husband number three… Ray is another story; he is unconditional, as every loving parent is supposed to be.

"Ana?" Is Flynn interrupting my thoughts, again.

"Yes John. I was thinking that the love of your parent is supposed to be unconditional…"

"Yes, it mostly is… Why do you say that Ana? Are you thinking about Christian's mother?"

"Yes and no, John. I think that that woman must have been very sick to abandon a little defenseless child, just like that. Every time I picture him, dirty, malnourished, his skin full of wounds, I can't tell you how I suffer… I can't understand it. Then I look at my childhood. Of course, next to his, I was so happy".

"Ana, our character is formed by everything that happens in our life, it doesn't justify our behavior, but it helps us understand. In our sessions, for example, we have discovered facts about your childhood that helps us understand your personality traits ... Do those justified how you have yourself in so little regard? I don't think so".

While saying this, he has been moving closer slowly. He's sitting next to me and holds my hand. Flynn reads the confusion on my face, my hands sweat. I'm so uncomfortable I would run out of here, but my legs don't respond.

"Relax, Ana. We will have to work on this. Not every men that comes close to you wants to kiss you, ok?" I feel my face blushing. I would like to kill Flynn right this moment. Why is he playing with me? But he keeps going "Well? Where do you want to go? By the third husband or by your fifteenth birthday?"

It seems that I won't be able to get away with this. I take a deep breath, swallowed hard, here I go: "Both, if you want John. The truth is that the day I turn 15 and the third husband got the same future. Failure… Since the day he hit me everything got worse at home. Mom didn't trust in any of us, she knew that we were hiding something. When the three of us where at home, he didn't talk to me, I was invisible, he only talked when it was extremely necessary and because my mom insisted on it. But when we were alone it was worst… He didn't stop insulting me, even without me provoking him. His eyes were always mad at me. I… I hadn't done anything, I never got in between my mom's relationships, that's why I couldn't understand his reaction to me. If I was sitting on the couch, I was useless, an obstacle and I should leave ... if I was in the kitchen, he would screamed that this was not a place for an old bird, to be careful, because I could burn my feathers. A gangly and awkward old bird, that's how he defined me. If I was in my room and he came, he would open my door shut, waiting discover me into something bad. Everything was so strange... Mom was not comfortable with him anymore".

"In my family they have always celebrated the 15 years of a woman ... it's weird because everyone celebrates their 16, but not in my family. My grandmother says that this is the age for girls to have a boyfriend... Ha! Sure, as if just because I turn years someone would notice me".

"But I wasn't going to argue with my mom and her traditions. My 15th birthday fall on Wednesday, but my party would be on Saturday. Mon had worked very hard and even taking extra shifts to pay for that dumb party, so that day she wasn't with us. When I came back from school he was already at home, his car was parked between the two spaces at the front of the house… That was weird, because he hated it when my mom did it. I went in with a heavy heart, feeling that something was wrong".

"Have I ever told you about Bonnie?" Flynn shakes his head. "No, of course not, I haven't thought of that day. Bonnie was a beautiful white rabbit mom had bought me as a pet. I didn't love him specially… He was a rabbit, he never responded to his name, he didn't play with me; but I took care of him every day, gave him food and took him out of his cage, which was already too small for him to exercise. His fur was soft and I adored petting him".

"Well, husband number three, was sitting in front of the TV off and on the coffee table was a beautiful white box with a blue bow. He saw me got in and motioned for me to sit. Then he said: 'Ana, dear, I have a gift for you, a gift for your birthday. Do you know that once you turn 15 you will not be a child anymore? So you should be leaving aside those things. Take the box and open it you ungrateful girl', he screamed. Trembling, I picked up the package and get rid of the blue ribbon. Inside was a butcher knife. I panicked and froze, but managed to stammer out a 'Thank You'. He laughed out loud and said: 'Don't thank me yet! With that knife we are going to cook together a birthday dinner'. He got up and took me by the arms, pulling his body to mine, I was trembling. 'We will prepare a delicious meal and you'll enjoy it or we will do the same to your mom'. I didn't understand what he meant... He took me to the kitchen and sat me on a chair. Then he went out to the backyard and came back with Bonnie in his arms... 'Have you eaten rabbit, Anastasia?' Only then I realized what he had said, I stood up, but he sat me back and said: 'You stay still or I will tie you, bitch'. Then he took a baseball bat and hit Bonnie in the head until it was killed. He skinned the rabbit with the knife that was in the box... my birthday gift. He made me look during the whole time, telling me that if I didn't really enjoy it, he would do the same to my mom. The terror overwhelmed me; mom was the only really unconditional thing I had in my life. But I was barely a girl, God! When mom came, my eyes were swollen from crying so much. Mom apologized a thousand times for not being with me that day. He served dinner, Bonnie, my Bonnie..."

I feel the tears run down my cheeks and I see Flynn's trembling hand giving me handkerchief to dry my tears, but he doesn't say anything. I continued: "There's no need to tell you that I wasn't hungry. When Mom saw a delicious rabbit on the table, she opened her eyes in horror and understood everything, my pain, my anguish. I saw her take a breath to speak, but my eyes begged her not to do it. I think my panic face managed to convey my feelings and mom just smiled and said: 'Oh dear, what a delicious dinner you prepared for my Anastasia, thank you very much' and we ate in silence. Mom and he stayed up late in the living room. At midnight she came into my room, telling me he was drunk and would not wake up... She forced me to tell her everything".

"The following days were filled with fear, mom made me go from school to her work and wait there so we could get home together. He suspected, but didn't say anything... The Saturday, before my party, my mother left me alone with him... Now I know it was the lure of the trap. While I was dressing he came into my room with the knife from my birthday. My body was completely paralyzed, he approached me and said: 'I told you not to open your mouth, bitch, now we have to skinned mommy and eat her! Or do you want me to do it to you first?' He came closer to me and grabbed my hair, sliding the knife, cutting it. I let out a shriek and at that moment, mom came in with the police. Then everything happened very quickly, they disarmed him and took him away, mom hugged me and apologized. I cried, I cried from relief, from fear. Then she dressed me and did what was left of my hair to go to my party... 'The show must go on' she said. She smiled and we left my room".

Flynn's still sitting near me. His arm wrapped me protectively. I know he doesn't mean anything bad, he just contains me, encouraging me to continue, but I don't want to talk. After a comforting silence, Flynn decides to talk: "Ana, why haven't you discussed this with anyone?" I reply: "I guess I always felt responsible for what happened, guilty. Don't look at me like that John! Exposing this and my father's death has helped me let go of my burdens. Talk about this today, with you, has made me feel a little lighter. Can you imagine the grim image of a tall, thin girl, wearing a ridiculous pink dress and with her hair destroyed? Probably my family thought that I had attacked my image in a fit of rebellion, so their reception was not as warm as I needed. Just mom held me, but I've never known to lie really well and that party was torture".

John stays in silence, weighing my words; he looks at me fondly and says: "Ana, dear, when we started these sessions I told you that you deserved to learn how to love and trust yourself. Today I believe that you have been damaged a lot in your life and that you could have even gone mad in the process. In light of this, low self-esteem is a trifle. However, I still want you to see the beautiful woman you are. Probably that man blamed you for his feelings and tried to deal with them making you suffer. He was a tormented man who terrorized you. I'm sure you felt fear for a long time, maybe that is why you didn't get involve in relationships until you met Christian. Ana, I think you should tell him what you've told me. It will help him understand some things, just as it has helped us, don't you think? We're done for today. Goodbye Ana".

Christian is outside waiting for me. "God, Flynn, when are you going to give me my woman back with a smile on her face and not with her eyes swelling form so much crying!" He seems truly mad. "People react in different ways when they remember Mister Grey". Flynn answers undeterred with my boyfriend's clear anger.

As usual, Christian hugs me by my waist and pulls me close to him, while we go down on the elevator. Taylor is waiting for us downstairs. "Are you alright Ana?" His eyes are really worried, confused. I smile. "Let's go home, there's something I want to tell you".

Christian listens closely my story; I see how his eyes move from awe, to fear, then to anger. It is that dangerous look, full of fury that prevails in his eyes. He finally says: "His name, I want his name, Ana, I'll ruin him". And I know he will.