Resilience

"There is something I still don't understand baby", says Christian. I just look at my man, lost in the beauty of his naked body in the dark. He continues: "How come you never told me about this until today?". His voice sounds like a criticism, but he hugs me tightly.

"Ana, I'm talking to you", he insists… Why did you hide this from me, don't you trust me?"

Oh, here we go again. I have to stop this before he clams like an oyster and we lose everything we've overcome. Even though I don't feel like talking… "For God's sake Christian! It's not what you are saying. Don't you think that we have overcome several… uhmm problems together? God! Our lives have changed so much since we met, and it's only been a couple of weeks! You don't go around saying 'look, when I was 15 years old a psychopath made me eat my pet'. Don't you think? Besides, next to what others have suffered…"

I stop for a minute and look at his eyes, his movements have become awkward. I take a deep breath and continue slowly: "Love; next to your own problems and memories, mine seem so small. I wasn't a 4 years old child like you, and I had a strong mother who stood up for me. Probably, the biggest damage was that for many years, many, many years, she couldn't help that I had the worst image of myself. I tried to be invisible; I already told you that… And I would have succeeded, if it wasn't for Kate getting sick, so she would have to send me to your office for the interview". I smile at him, but his eyes are still dark, and his lips in a tight line, like trying to hold his words. I look at him, straight to his eyes, so he knows that everything I say is true, but he doesn't let up.

He stays still while time moves slow. He made it to the end of the bed and is sitting with his feet on the rug of our room. I settle down and try to reach him, hugging him from behind, but he gets up, puts on gray sweatpants and leaves the room. God, what do I do now? Should I follow him? Should I wait for him? Maybe he needs more time. No, it's not that. He is going to get his revenge from that bastard tomorrow morning. There has to be something else going on here. I put on one of his shirts and go after him.

In the shadow, I see Christian is sitting in the piano, but it has the lid down. His head is resting on his hands and he is pulling his hair softly. He looks dejected, and my heart is breaking with this. I reach for him, and lean against his body. We breathe quietly; I see his scars and close my eyes. I can't do that now. Suddenly, he turns and takes me by the waist, forcing me to sit astride his legs, between him and the piano. Now his eyes look so sad, I try to hug him, but he stops me and avoids my gaze ... oh oh.

"Look Anastasia, you have changed my life, it's true, and I guess I have changed yours too. You have been the first normal relationship I ever had, my first in almost everything, and I love it. My life, my childhood was terrible, I know, but then the Greys came and they protected me, and took care of me till today, right?". There's a tense silence. "I forbid you to feel pity for me ever again. I don't feel pity for what happened to me, probably I deserve it, I don't know". I try to speak but he stops me and stares at me: "I also forbid you to think, feel or suspect that your problems are less relevant than mine. You are the most important thing in my life. I almost died when you left me; I've told you a hundred times, shit! And that's because there is nothing in this world that I care more than you. I want to know everything about you; I want to protect you from everything and everyone. No one will hurt you, not even me. When you get bored of me and leave me, I'll let you go free".

I can feel my eyes fill with tears that go running warm down my face. His gaze has softened and he takes my face in his strong hands. "Don't cry", he says and kisses my tears. This man, a control freak, has me absolutely dominated. I would never do anything to hurt him, ever. I look at him and whisper "I will never leave you", and he hugs me.

-oOo-

-"Hello, John is that you?"

-"Yes Ana. How are you?"

-Excellent Flynn. Do you know what I got telling Christian about the third husband?"

Even through the phone I can feel Flynn smiling while he answers me:

-"I can imagine, but I rather you tell me personally".

-"Yes, yes. I believe this deserves a glass of wine John. I'm coming over".

The ride to Flynn offices was fast. I told Christian that I had an extra session today, because of the marriage thing and that I needed to talk with John. For God's sake, it's enough that I have to deal with my own guilt, to also add new guilt about my psychiatrist and my freak control boyfriend.

"The doctor is with a patient right now. You'll have to wait a little Miss Steele", told me Flynn's smiling secretary. "No problem, I can wait", I answer politely.

Five, ten, fifteen minutes later… Flynn will have to charge extra to this patient. I start to walk over to complain to the secretary for the lateness, when someone opens the door:

-Christian? I say in shock. He smiles at me with mischief in his eyes.

-"Miss Steele, I'm sorry I made Doctor Flynn late, but it was an emergency".

Suddenly I think that maybe he is here because of Leyla. But he wouldn't be so smiling if that was the case. I ask him anyway:

-"Leyla?"

-"Oh, no, a much more interesting woman that drives me crazy". He winks at me and leaves.

John is waiting for me at his office. That man has a skill to do as if nothing had happened. "John", I chided him. He motions for me to sit and says: "And what did you want me to do? Christian has been my patient longer than you and frankly, he was really worried, but I won't say anything else. It's professional secrecy".

While I'm taking a sit, I take a deep breath to answer him: "I assume that this privilege is for both sides? Did he tell you what he did?" John shakes his head and says "you can tell me, Ana, I think that's why you move our session for today? Right?".

"Part of it John", I reply dryly. "It's just that I'm worried for that man. Christian tracked him down and found him in less than two days. I couldn't believe it Flynn. How does he make everybody obey him so fast? We were sitting in the kitchen when he sayd: 'I found him', and smiled like a kid who just made a mischief which he is very proud of. I'll admit that my stomach churned and I turned pale instantly. Christian couldn't hide his pride and said, 'yes, I found him in a town in Mississippi, called Summer. It was a place too small for a psychopath like him. He had a small grocery store'. Well, I guess you know what the 'Grey' way to do things is. He bought the store, fired him and then closed the place. He discovered he had an unpaid mortgage with a bank, paid it and kick him out of his house. In such a small town, he fell from grace and left. Christian is looking to ruin him again and again ... until the man gets tired".

"You know John, I think I feel avenged somehow, as in the old books, but it is too much. Okay, he did it, but I don't want him to continue. I feel grateful or avenged; whatever he chooses".

"Look John, I didn't keep thinking about him. I had forgotten him or blocked him from mi mind, as you prefer, till the date of the hypnosis, when you asked me about my 15th birthday".

I feel the change in my voice while I calm down and go back to remember:

"After that day, the trial came, and then the restraining orders. We needed to get rid of his stuff. And even though my mom wanted me to stay away from all that, I needed to erase the traces of that man in our lives with my bare hands. So not only we cleaned his stuff; I decided that we needed to paint the house, so for weeks I painted, room by room, inside and out, until I felt clean".

"I wasn't a girl with many friends, I never was. I looked for company in my books, the classics, you know, Shakespeare, Keats, Marlowe; and next to their stories, what I had lived, had a happy ending. There was so much to suffer in life, that what I had didn't seem enough".

"I had no depression, no change in my personality; I didn't rebel against anyone, nothing... The health service specialist told my mom that I had an amazing ability to overcome the traumatic events I had lived. She called it 'resilience', and yes, I believed I was able to get over everything. I also think I was like that, because nothing in life mattered enough to me, to not want to continue living; I had a simple life, where I felt comfortable".

"The only time I thought I wasn't going to be able to move on, was when I broke up with Christian and left him. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping. I was like a zombie going to work. I wasn't even able to notice that Hyde was harassing me. I think that the spiral of destruction would have continued until I died or until Kate arrived ... if I lived up to that point".

Flynn interrupts me with a question: "Ana, you think Christian took your ability of resilience from you?"

I replied calmly: "I love him, I love him so much John. I think I could get over anything but losing him. But it's not that. Christian has not taken anything away from me; he just gave me a reason to live for real".

John smiles, "I think you should tell him... Let me tell you something, he is nervous as a child, because he fears you won't forgive him for what he did to the third husband, even when he is happy about it".

To my surprise, Christian is waiting for me when I leave the office. He has a beautiful purple orchid in his hands. I throw myself into his arms and he catches me securely as ever. "Let's make a deal" I say, "I'll accept that beautiful flower and won't complain about any gift you give me, none". "None?" he asks in amazement. "None," I insist. "But you leave that man alone. He's had enough and I feel avenged, as in the books, okay?". I know Christian hates this type of promises, the ones that make him feel limited, but he concedes and nods gravely, "deal Miss Steele".

"Now let's get out of here, because for once, Flynn has given you back with a smile on your face, and perfect to go out for dinner".