My friend Kate

"Look John", I say seriously, "I must admit something good about these sessions. They say that when you tell someone about your traumas, they become smaller, and this has been like that. I feel more… liberated? I don't know if that's exactly the word".

I see how Flynn looks at me without blinking, his straight stance disturbs me, and I feel that the uncomfortable question is coming, but this time I'm prepared... I think. God! My ghosts may have diminished, but I still fear that I might not be enough for Christian... someday he'll get tired of our vanilla relationship and want something that I can't give him... I think about this at least three times a day... maybe it's a mistake that we get married. Shit, Flynn takes a breath, here it comes:

"Is everything all right, Ana?". God! How does he do it? This man can sniff my discomfort. I nod without words... I don't know how to lie, "It seems that you are not so sure", he asks... I sigh and I know that I won't get anything with my silence: "Look John, I know once I say this, you'll think I'm crazy or tell me we have already talked about it...".

"Don't judge my reactions before I have them, Ana", Flynn interrupts me. "We'll talk about whatever you want, all the times you need". I take a deep breath and stay staring at my hands: "I don't know if I can John, I don't know if I can live like this, with him. There are times when I think I can see frustration in his eyes and I don't know how to help him, I don't know what causes it... sometimes I'm sure he wants more and, frankly John, is not that I'm as innocent as a white dove... I... well... there are things, games in the Red Room, they are not bad, but... I don't know... it's, it's hard... do you know why I left?", Flynn nods wordlessly, but I won't continue until he tells me what he knows.

"Well Ana, I know that something happened in the playroom that you didn't like and you left", he says calmly.

"That's what happened… broadly speaking... I, I wanted to know what was the worst that could happen. I was already in love with Christian. God, it seems like it's been years and it was only a few weeks ago... but I needed to know if I could endure... the punishments, because I really wanted, I don't know... to please him. Yes, I wanted with all my heart to be the woman he needed. So I asked him to punish me... hard... I just wanted to try, to try me... and he agreed; he did it gladly.

He tied my hands and began to hit me with a leather whip, one blow after another, and another, and another; I don't know how many they were... It was out of my control. I never said the safe word, I forgot, I was lost in the confusion and physical pain of the whipping.

Ray, my father... he never hit me, neither my mom... no... I didn't and I still don't understand how, why, you can enjoy hurting someone you love... When I escaped to my room, I didn't want him to touch me... Yu don't destroy what you love, and that was what he did with me... It wasn't only the pain, it was his joy while he beat me; he enjoyed hurting me. There... I realized that I wasn't the woman he needed, because somehow I don't understand, his submissive, the other 15, they liked what he did... they enjoyed it, but me, I could never enjoy that...

You know what John? I had to try, and I had to tell him what I felt while he tried to console me, I felt anger, pain and love, a confusing mix of emotions. I tried to make him understand that I loved him, I told him and his reaction was... worse, it hurt more than a thousand lashes... I'm not a submissive; I'd never had a relationship with a man. For God's sakes Flynn, I was a virgin! ¿Didn't I have the right to fall in love with him?".

I can feel my tears fall one by one, thick down my cheeks as I keep going with my story. "But he didn't want me to love him, my words were almost an insult to him ... I couldn't stay there... I got up and left, he asked me not to, he asked me to stay, but I knew I wasn't the woman he hoped I would be... nor would I be... and I left... I was leaving my heart in that penthouse, tied to his life forever, but at that moment I didn't know... I just wanted to run into the arms of my friend, my sister, Kate... but she wasn't in our apartment... In that stupid moment I had forgotten she was on vacation with Christian's brother... God! Kate ...".

"Did I tell you how we became friends?". Flynn shakes his head and says softly: "It seems that this girl has had a great influence in your life".

I'm so happy to leave the pain zone I'm in… Talking about Kate will do me good, even thou I can't forget I'll never be a submissive… I keep talking to Flynn:

"After the third husband, mom took no time in finding the fourth... but he wanted to go to Georgia, where he was from, and she tried to drag me with her... but, maybe in the first sane act I had in a while, I asked her to let me live with Ray. He was practically my father and I was about to finish school, so I didn't want to move, I have never liked them... Mom said yes and Ray was happy to have her baby back at home for a while.

When I finished school, Ray and I had almost merged, we both became reserved and shy, and our life together was easy. I didn't have to deal with uncomfortable questions, and we both held an unconditional love for each other... as should happen with parents... I am very lucky and much loved.

When I left school I had become a bookworm, I had no friends, let alone a social life, but I didn't care, the stories in my books were my own life, I suffered with their loves and I rejoiced in their triumphs, living incredible adventures through them.

My expectations for college were moderate, I knew I would do well academically and I expected to remain invisible to the world, because I was comfortable... sometimes it still is.

The first day of school, I saw a very pretty and fun girl talking to the other boys; she had clear eyes, kind of strawberry blond hair and a beautiful figure, very chic. I smiled to myself and thought, wow! What a personality, I could never be like that. I think I just had that thought when the girl touched my shoulder, it was Kate. "Hello, Kate Kavanagh", I smile, "Anastasia Steel" I answered, and I know that in that minute, she had already decided that we would be friends. After a whirlwind of questions, like: where? How? Who? At the end of the day I was in her apartment and was her brand new roommate". I smile just remembering her, wild and beautiful.

"I guess I'm a good friend to someone who talks up a storm, I listen better than anyone... Kate is an exceptional woman, educated in abundance, but without forgetting the essentials, what can I say John, she is my best friend. I've probably been more her confident than she of me, even though she put all her efforts on me to date and to meet boys, without success.

I remember a time in which she almost succeeded, it was Christmas and I didn't had enough money to go see my mom, so I had planned to stay in college. Of course, Kate wouldn't let me; she made a bag with a few of my things and practically kidnapped me. Her family was giving a Christmas party and she wouldn't enjoy it knowing that I was alone in our apartment; that was what she said. So she took to an exclusive boutique in Seattle and gave me her "Christmas present". It was a long dress, blue, very elegant... and tight. Then we went to her house and locked ourselves in her room to get ready. Kate was playing dolls with me! At times I was smiling foolishly and I didn't get why she was so excited. She was a little girl planning something.

When she was finished, I looked at myself in the mirror... clearly that woman looked like me, but she wasn't me, she was very elegant and beautiful.

What happened next was very uncomfortable for me. Of course at this party everyone knew each other. I had barely walked down the stairs from the second floor of Kate's home, and all eyes were on me... my cheeks flushed, and I almost fall down and went rolling downstairs. I was what everybody was looking at during the night. Kate was so kind to introduce me to her handsome brother, so I wouldn't feel alone... God! I remember the situation and blush. The guy was very attentive, a bit older than us, Ethan... we chatted animatedly all night and it was almost a perfect moment. I believed that Kate loved me so much, that she dreamed of me being part of her family, even if it was chaining me to her brother. God, what a girl she was. It was a fantastic week; I enjoyed it very much, always in terms of friendship, of course. But then we went back to school and, well, I answered a few calls, but college, exams... I didn't go out with Ethan again... but that didn't hurt us. The truth is that Kate was busy with her own love life to worry about mine.

The rest of the time I witnessed a considerable parade of boyfriends and breakups, where I support her efficiently. That's why I would have like for her to be there the day I left Christian and left Escala. She would have hugged me, together we would have cursed him and probably would've got drunk insulting Mr. Grey. But she wasn't there. Maybe she would have forced me to get up and eat, and she would have helped me not to think about him… but she wasn't there... Kate would have called José, mom, Ray and even the infantry to cheer me up and make me forget him, but she wasn't there Flynn... and now I don't know if I appreciate it or not.

The day I met Christian, she was the one who had to go to the interview. Maybe it should've happened that way. There are days when I wonder what would have happened if Kate had gone to visit the mighty Mr. Grey. Maybe she could have been that woman...". Suddenly I start laughing and Flynn looks at me puzzled. "Hahahaha! Sorry John, just imagine the idea of Kate being a submissive... Hahahaha, the truth is that this woman doesn't obey her parents; neither is she going to obey a man! Sorry. Well, in short, if Kate didn't exist, I probably would have never met Christian and we wouldn't be here".

"I understand," said Flynn and continued, "Now I'm going to say something and I'll repeat it as often as needed. Christian was a troubled young man, and in his teens he found 'something' where he could channel his energies in a positive way, kind of. Christian's sexual inclinations are not a pathology, they are a way of living, and with the full consent of both parties, there is nothing wrong with that. Christian only knew these kinds of relationships, he felt safe in them because he kept control through his dominant role. The women, who were associated with him, knew of these rules, probably many of them had sadomasochistic relationships before and knew what to expect from Christian".

"When he met you, he thought you could be that kind of woman and it was quickly proved wrong, and that, far from being a bad thing, was a new motivation for Christian. It hurt him so much when you left; he lost so much control that he was willing to change his life for you. But it's not that he gave up what he is, on the contrary, you became his new obsession. That's why he doesn't miss his 'old life', because in this new one he has with you, you give him more. I think that if talking to him doesn't help, then only time will prove me right. Ana, the important thing is that you are open to his signs. And, I think we're out of time... You can close your mouth now, Ana".

And John smiles at me. Just then I realize I have my mouth open. I close it immediately and still a little confused; I stand up and fix my dress, comb my hair with my hands and check my makeup. I look at my hand and the beautiful ring on it. How I love that man, I hope he's waiting for me, smiling as always with those beautiful and ashen eyes.

I go out, but Sawyer is the one waiting for me in the hall. "Miss Steele, Mr. Grey asked me to take you directly to Escala. He will meet you there". His voice is concerned. Shit! What happened now?. We got in the car and went quickly towards the penthouse, I look at Sawyer and ask, "Is something wrong?". "Nothing you need to worry, Miss Steele," he answered. I hate the false neutrality of his voice and say: "Come on Sawyer, I know that something's wrong, Christian doesn't miss his appointments, and less unannounced. What the hell is happening?". The poor man fidgets in his seat uncomfortable and says: "If I tell you, Mr. Grey will fire me. Anyway you'll know as soon as we get to Escala, please, Miss Steele, don't ask me to tell you again".

I don't push it, I know how Christian can be when one of his employees disobeys him, and I like Sawyer, I wouldn't want him to have problems because of me.

I get to Escala to find new security guards; they are being instructed by Taylor. As soon as he sees me he's quiet and says: "Miss Steele, Mr. Grey is waiting for you at his desk". I go in, and Mrs. Jones is busy in the kitchen, when she sees me, she pounces on me and says: "Ana, dear" and hugs me. "Go quickly to the desk". Faced with such urgency, I throw my bag and rushed into the study. Christian is with his security chief, his face tense. He sees me and walks over to me, hugging me as if his life depends on it: "Ana, my love" and kisses me on the forehead.

"What's going on Christian?". He looks at me with a tight smile and says "Ana, everything is under control, don't worry, we'll just have to be more careful..." I interrupt: "What the fuck happen Grey". He sighs and runs his hands through his hair: "We got an anonymous threat. Someone wants to kill you Ana".

Sorry for the delay! It was my translator's fault!