AV
Maximum Security Prison
Piper Chapman
Litchfield Prison
Letter Four
Social Isolation. It feels terrible. I can't image what it was like for you. You in the SHU, I can barely - no I don't want to picture it. Right here I feel like everyone is a hidden enemy. I feel like there as murderer waiting around every single corner.
The things that keep me going are the little happy bits, the little memories that sometimes wash over me when nostalgia strikes. No Piper, they are not ALL about you. This one in particular isn't. But yes Piper, many of my happy moments that I cling to are moments that I shared with you.
Instead of walking to this Greek place I ended up going to some Russian Cafe. It was tiny and run down and had a sign up saying "closing tomorrow". But I went anyways. I ordered some sweet pastry thingies and just sat there by myself. Over at the next table were the restaurant's only guests. I thought one of them look a bit hot until I saw that one of her boobs was a lot smaller than the other. Not to be discriminatory, but that's just not doing it for me. So I go back to daydreaming and I let my mind wander to my first date. With a boy.
This probably surprises you dosn't it! Look here's the full on lesbian getting some dick action. Well I promise the only dick action was him BEING a dick. See I was only 13 when that happened. I did it to make myself feel better after a pretty rough time at school. This stupid girl was bullying me about my non-brand name shoes and my apparently rancid smell. So I was pissed. I wanted revenge and I wanted my power back. I wanted this girl to suffer because she was so ignorant; she had never suffered a day in her life she was practically Rolling in cash.
My mother always used to tell me about my celebrity father. He "was a singer" she said. He "Made the crowds go wild. The lineups for tickets were hours and hours long, but she picked DIane and wanted to have a child with her". As a naive (don't push it. I know you'd laugh at me for that) little kid I was I believed her. So what I thought I'd do was date a powerful boy to get back at Jessica. I would make her burn with envy and her jealous hands would have no power to do anything
Even at the time I think I could make myself look "hot" if I wanted to. I was a brunette back then. That's my natural colour. The jet black came when I had money - and that only happened when I started dealing. So I was a brunette with a slim frame and young curves. I wore zirconium earnings (fuck diamonds) and a black dress to school. Overkill I know. I had this fierceness in me by then. I had grown up since the silly school girl pity girl. And I stood on tiptoes (to make myself look taller) and came up to the boy of choice.
W. I said.
"And you beautiful lady, must be Alex"
Usually when your ... "Crush" compliments you like this you'd feel a rush right? All I felt was boredom. His breath already felt sour. It was harsh and thick. I hoped I didn't have to kiss him.
"That would be it" I said with a smirk.
"Well m'lady, would you like to..."
M'Lady? Really? That was the wrong century there. Maybe it'll take another century before he says anything again... Feels like it the way he's stammering. I love it. If there's anything I like its having someone hanging off of my words.
"... Would you like to go to dinner sometime? ... I mean... You can like"
The way he was fumbling away it made my smirk become more pronounced. I couldn't help it - He couldn't help it and it was all because of me. The effect I was having on him was impressive. I had the upper hand, and I was going to milk every fucking second of it.
"Alright then"
"Allow me" he said as he attempted chivalry. He reached to put his arm around mine to lead me to my next class. It was a bit far to the next room. Luckily we passed by Jessica on the way. I glared at her. She looked at me rather appalled.
He was good looking. Came from money - obviously. He had a Rolex watch around his wrist and brand-name clothes from his shoes to his shirt. I was honestly more riled up from looking at the gold plate of his watch strap then the fact that his wrist was on mine. His arms were all hairy and scratchy and it was pretty damn uncomfortable. But I needed him and he wanted me, so I pull his arm closer (but not his body eww) and put my arm on his shoulder before walking into my class.
"Bye"
"See you round... Like... Greco's Pizza at Six?"
"Sounds good"
"I'll " I knew he was going to say he was going to pick me up. I didn't want him to though because that would mean he would know where I live. So instead I pipe up with "
- "I'll meet you there"
"Okay" He replied nervously.
I feel a smirk pull the edges of my lips and I turn to him, and I wink just for effect.
He's still standing there dumbstruck as I walk on into class.
English is boring. As per usual. I hear the teacher drone on and on until I stop paying attention.
Instead of the lesson, I find my eyes wandering around the room until they start to focus on the girl sitting next to me. She's a redhead, with almost golden curls of hair. Her hands are delicate and smooth. Long fingers write furiously everything the teacher is saying. Her nails are intricately patterned with blue-green whirls. I start to wonder what it would feel like to hold those hands. I would squeeze them gently, not too tightly and press them against my chest...
Before I get further in my thoughts I hear a snicker come from the back of the class. There it was, Jessica Wedge laughing her eyes out with a whole crowd of giggling Barbies. They were just loud enough to alert the entire class about their mischief, but just quiet enough that the rustle was imperceptible to the useless teacher rambling on.
I just turn around and ignore them. I pretend to be taking notes on the lecture. Instead all I really wrote was "Al holds her hands out gently while the redhead reaches out to take them. She looks into Al's eyes, smiling...". And while I write this I forget the piercing eyes glaring at me and I steal a glance at the girl next to me again. She's still gripping her paper and pencil, lips pursed in effort. I wonder what it would be like to taste those lips...
Wait what? I decided it was just a fluke. Everyone thought pretty girls were hot right? I mean it's natural even for straight girls to feel that pull towards their own sex. I thought of Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl". It calmed my nerves.
Turns out my stares had not gone unnoticed from the peanut gallery in the rear.
"DYKE". Jessica Wedge half-whispers half-shouts to the entire class.
"She's a DYKE" she continues. "Al is a big fat DYKE. A poor, filthy DYKE who preys on young girls and will pry them from their boyfriends hands"
It cuts me like knives. Why did this stupid girl have such power over me. She made me boil with rage. I wanted to punch her out right there but I didn't. Not because I couldn't or because I was worried about the teacher noticing. Last thing I wanted was empirical evidence that I was part of a "lesbian" stereotype (Not that I was admitting at the time of any identification with the word "lesbian".
So I wait it out. I stare at my own paper for the rest of the class. I restrain myself from looking at the redhead. I continue to scrawl on the notebook "She brushed my cheek with her long fingers, pressing gently"... I convinced myself it was only a pursuit in creative writing. Soon the bell rang for the end of the day. I filed out and stopped at my locker before leaving for the day.
My mom no longer picked me up right outside the school. I learned that lesson young when Jessica Wedge. When we were kids she asked public ally if I lived in the thing. So I met Diane across the corner. Our van was tattered and torn. But it felt like home. On the car ride home we listened to mix tapes of old rock stuff. Old rock stuff I still love. We sang out at the top of our lungs.
Suddenly I realized I had nothing prepared for the evening. Nothing at all. I had nothing in the world to wear. I hated fancy clothes back then because it made me feel too snooty. But I knew I needed something for my "date" so I piped up to say..
"Hey mom..."
"Hey Alex"
"Ca - can I borrow a dress for tonight?"
"Where is this coming from Al? I thought you hated them"
"Well I need it for a school gig and maybe..."
"Bullshit. You hate school functions.
Where are you going"
"Nowhere special"
"Aha, but WHO are you going with?"
"No one special"
"Are you kidding me Al!? I've been waiting for this moment for years and years. You want to tell me the lucky lad who's stolen your leather heart?"
"No."
"Any hints?"
"No."
"Well I suppose I'll have to say - "
"Mom please! And PLEASE calm down. He's just... "
"Of course you can doll. I'll even let you wear my necklace too"
"Really"
"Really"
"Alright"
Honestly I was hoping she would say no. I was hoping for a fight. I was hoping for any excuse that would make it so I never had to go to that diner with the idiot boy JASON WEDGE looking at my breasts all night. I didn't want to explain that I was only going to make his sister fucking jealous. But hey you gotta do what you gotta do. So I get dressed up in my mom's dress. I don't really care that much about my hair but my mom fusses over it so I let her do what she wanted.
Eventually I convince mom to drive me down. I tell her I'll call when I need a ride back.
"IF you need a ride back... (She says with a wink)"
I roll my eyes but she's too busy giggling to see.
Jason wedge shows up in a tuxedo.
I'm not even fucking joking with you.
It looked so utterly stupid that I laughed at him.
Openly.
To his face.
Unfortunately he thought I was laughing at his dumbass joke so I let him be. He sits down and picks the window seat. Damn I wanted it so I could stare at the outdoors instead of his face. Never mind that then when the waiter cam though because it cut through all the sudden
"Can I get you folks some drinks?"
It was a sweet sounding voice. Crystal clear. Just high enough. Just a lilt of a laugh of amusement. So I allowed it. I look her up and down, from her short legs (she was like 5 foot) and Asian complexion. She had big tits and brown eyes shaped like almonds. And a sweet face with short black hair. (Piper no need to be jealous, she wasn't bad but nothing compared to you). I can't help but raise an eyebrow at her and say boldly
"Can I get a Guinness?"
Obviously I was fucking like 14 at the time so I thought for sure I'd get busted. THat being said I WAS 6 foot then even. So much to my surprise she asked if I wanted ice. I was stunned but I managed a nod. The boy just shrugs and asked for a Coke. Lame.
As she walks away I get a glimpse of her ass through her tight back pockets. I lick my lips subconsciously.
Boy notices and for some reason feels like picking up on social cues.
"Hungry ?!"
"Mmmmmmmmmmmm was all I answered. I wasn't talking about pizza but he didn't seem to notice".
"I'm getting the marguerite"
"Typical" I say.
"And... And a salad because I'm watching my girlish figure"
I laugh to his face again and almost spit my drink. He's the farthest thing from girlish figure I've ever freaking seen. But agin he thinks I'm swooning or something so yeah.
"I'm getting the triple bacon hog wild" I say. I'm not pretending to be some prissy WASPy thing. I fucking love meat and there ain't no changin' it.
"Lucky for you you can eat whatever you want and still be a size 26 and a Double D"
Ewwww. Fuck I never thought he would like, investigate my bra size or anything. And it was fucking judgemental, shallow and irritating. I give him a death glare.
"Glad we're going halfs then, I mean I can't afford a girl with a guy appetite"
That fucking blows ok., I mean no way in hell was I letting HIM pay. That's for sure. But I mean who does he think he is rather presumptuous saying we're splitting. I mean that's not even TRYING to be a gentleman. Seriously I was glad it was just business.
And I was glad when the Waiter came so I didn't have to say any stupid small talk.
"Will that be sauce on the side for you m'love?" She says with a cute accent. I'm smiling a bit (making it into a smirk) and I tell her "Yes, I mean the sides are where all the action happens right? Got to go in for that dip"
The double entendre was plain as day but obviously the guy was oblivious. He was playing with his hands nervously.
"Mmhmm She says winking. Action in the dipping, and also in the licking" Making a motion with her fingers. Fuck it was hot. I was a bit enthralled by the whole banter that was going on. It was so natural.
"Well with that I might need a few more napkins, got to keep those fingers and that tongue ready"
She smacked her lips in response. I pretty much forgot about the boy then and there. The waitresses eyes crinkled as she skipped away with the notepad.
Apparently the guy WASN"T totally ignorant to what was going on because he was nursing a boner seeing me flirt. I could just tell by the way he had put his jacket over his hips. I asked if he was "Cold down there, or maybe hot down there?"
He was humiliated.
And for the rest of the night I knew I had the upper hand.
Dude was blushing and eating his pizza with a fork and knife. I gave fuck all and ate it with my hands like a normal person.
He says he needs to pee, ties his jacket around his waist and scurries off. I die laughing when he' shout of sight
Meanwhile while he' gone (Seriously He can't fight a fucking boner?)
When the waiter asked if we needed refills I sucked my thumb full of sauce, gently bit the tip and raised my eyebrows as I nodded "Yes, yes please". She bent down to show me her cleavage when she refilled myth glass right to the brim. I loved every second of it.
"Did you know that the best wineglasses were measured by royalty's breast sizes" I mentioned.
"Ah, well now that you mention it how does this size measure up?: She says, motioning to the wine glass she has on her tray. I look at her tits, and back to the glass. I tell her "Looks just about right. Just the right size to suck on a little..." I say. And I know she knows that I'm not talking about the glassware.
I feel a bit warm between my legs for some reason. I' m a actually grinning when she smiles back at me. I feel a bit wet between my leg also and try to shake out of it.
Good thing too because Jonathan is back. He huffily apologizes and settles down to eat his remaining food.
After it he wraps his arm around me too harshly. We pay in cash. Waiter asks if we want one bill. He says no. Waiter gives me a puppy dog look. I roll my eyes looking at Jonathan. She nods. He's looking at his feet of course. When it's my turn I give a 20% tip even though I'm broke. I just tell the boy that mine cost extra. He Dosn't catch it when the waiter swings her hips as she walks away and waves.
In his car he just says how great of a time he had, how he wants to see me again. I say aw, you too with just enough tact to keep the sarcasm hidden. I tell him next date should be at Greco's again. He says the food's great. I'm just glad he thinks that's the reason.
He leans in and gives me a kiss that's sloppy as fuck. I just let him take it and think to myself how overrated the whole thing is. My mom picks me up and I jump in there FAST.
The next day at school word gets around about the whole escapade. He exaggerates the entire deal saying I flirted with him all night and was a great kisser and gave him French ones. What a liar but it's exactly what I hoped would play into my hands.
Jessica wedge goes to make fun of me, and then Jonathan goes and puts his arm round my shoulder protectively. She groans and walks away. I've never felt so fucking powerful in my 14 year old life.
Inside though I just felt empty. I went home from that date and drank more beer to take the edge off. His lips felt so rough I couldnn't get it out of my skin.
We go to Greco's every Friday. The waitress remembers us (I'm thinking probably she remembers ME) each time and seats us first and gives me an extra beer on the house. And him an extra Coke to be nice but who gives a damn.
This time though, she got real. He asked if I wanted to give him a blowjob that night. I was shocked. I wanted to say yes but the last thing I ever wanted was his slimy banana between my teeth. So I say "Nope."
He gets pissy with me and storms out of the restaurant. "You're paying for this. You're paying cash tonight and you're going to regret it because girls like you can't put out when the guy needs it"
It's so completely sexist and demanding that I laugh at him again. I say "Well you're literally going to go fuck yourself right now because no way in hell are you getting any dick action from being a dick"
He slams the door behind him.
The waitress comes back with the pizza and I just say "more for me then"
"Loser ditched?" She asked
"Yup. Didn't want to suck his balls so he had the balls to get the hell out"
And she laughed. It was sweet and controlled at first, but then becomes rowdy. And I laugh too. And it's all better. And I don't even think about tomorrow or school. All I think about it man, she's laughing and I want to make it continue. I'm thinking about stupid jokes when she says
"Well m'lady, want a replacement date?"
"Only if I'm payin" I give her a sly grin
She slides into the booth.
We chat for awhile. It's lame to be honest. She wasn't very smart so when I talked to her about books she never got it. She was kinda irritating. But much less irritating than Jason. So I was content.
At one point she comments I have something on my lip. I giggle. She asks if she can wipe it away. And I say yes.
And she leans in and smiles, turns her head slightly and licks my lip. She bites it for a second. Then lets go.
I'm dumbstruck. I'm wet agin under my pants and my legs feel super warm. My lips are tingling. My eyes have softened. My hands are shaky and suddenly I feel nervous.
"Did you get it all" I eventually reply, not wanting to reveal the effect this woman was having on me.
"Not quite" She says. And this time I lean in. And pretty soon her hands are on my inner legs and mine are on her boobs. And we make out in the middle of the Greco's pizza for a long while.
"I... I... Gotta go" I say when my mom calls. Diane is at the door. She nods and says "Don't worry pumpkin, your secret's safe with me". And she winks.
I smile as I rush out the door. I expect Diane to be parked out back so I almost know I her over when I realize she'd been standing by the glass window pane outside our booth, right by the door.
"So I'm guessing your dude date was a flop" She says
I just curl up and steam with embarrassment. I had never lied to Diane before. I hadn't really just hadn't really been sure myself. I was more sure of my sexuality hi there for sure than ever before. I was scared though. Terrifie even. I mean what if she disowned me for being a lesbian! Where would I even go?
My stomach drops when she says
"You know I'm going to have to leave you because of all of this right"
I panic, burst into tears and beg her not too.
"Please..."
She just pulls me into a hug. I'm confused as hell. I fight away and glance up, fearing her eyes.
"Kidding" She says. "Look Hun, I've known for quite awhile you liked girls. Don't sweat it. Just no fucking in the car ok?"
"Hhhhh - how?" I ask?
"Mm mm, my dear. I'll tell you when you're older"
I go to punch her in the shoulder. She reacts quickly and dodges it.
"Seriously MOM tell me"
She looks me dead in the eye, smirks (Yes, that's where I got the smirk From) and says in a teasing tone
"Next time you look at porn Vause, you gotta clear your internet history"
So there's my coming out story Piper. You were always too caught up in your own life to even care about mine. So while you sit in prison why don't you imagine me flirting with a waitress in this cafe and get that jealous look out of your eyes.
If you ever want me back (if I even let you), you'd better phone me.
- Alex
Notes:
Reviewers are amazing. Just saying they truly are awesome. I take them all into account and edit my work based on suggested improvements :) So thanks for them all. I do reply personally to each one via private message :)
Also notes, yes these letters are all kind of random. They don't follow a linear pattern and they're a strange mix of flashback and angst and hurt and humour. I'm both working to be more consistent and also enjoying the liberty of freedom to try out new writing styles. Don't worry, these will form a more cohesive unit soon, and yes I do have an endgame planned.
I spoiled you all this week with an extra long letter. Looks like Vause's gone soft and I've gotten more time on my hands. I can't promise this amount of depth every week but I do promise to keep the updates coming by Sunday's at the latest.
Feel free always to PM with any questions or concerns about this work or just chatting.
Have a good week folks :)