AV

Queens, NY

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Letter One

You said you wanted an apology right?

Well here goes. I'm sorry Piper for…

I'm sorry Piper for letting you break my heart more than once. Nikki had such wisdom right when she said "Once a girl can break my heart, that's enough for me". See the moment she said that I replied with "You much so much self restraint". I mean goddamn you Piper I would never go so far to say I hate you but you know you broke my fucking heart! I loved you you know. I said it to you many times. Have you forgotten that already? I've not forgotten. And even after all these stupid games you put me through, look at me now. Vulnerable still. And here I am again, running at you full force because I just can't seem to learn a lesson to lead myself away from you. Nichols - Who knows she's not some god but she's the only sympathetic one around here. I miss her actually as about now. She always had a decent thing to say, or an indecent thing to say which was always decently funny.

Alright, so here's the confession:

ONE TIME (and one time only), At the time you had chosen your "fiance Larry so I was in the clear - technically I was single. That was your own choice may I remind you. Nichols asked if she could give me a hand job. And I let her. She stuck her fingers into me behind an old poster board and rubbed me till we heard "the bell ding". It was what she asked for for christmas for that stupid white girl (yes, white girl literally) secret santa gig. I tried to make her earrings but I think we both know I'm not exactly crafty. Well I AM crafty, I mean I don't actually make nice crafts. And to be clear, I did give her a quickie in return. Just with my hands. You know that's how Nikki Operates.

Me and Nikki, we got close because of our mutual stories about heroin addictions. She approached me first (not like I have to justify it to you anyway) to talk I mean. You know she's a true and true junkie. She was a user for years and years and years and fucking years. And man she told me about how beat up she was when she came here. How her withdrawal sent her into spirals of sleepless nights, days and weeks. How she shivered and quaked. How she was stealing breaking into houses if she couldn't pawn the cash off her parents. How she would come home in the night with used needles and chest infections and not have a care in the world because all she could think about was pills and pots filled with precious poison powder. It invaded her life and her soul. So we talked about how the demons build up inside our head. How it destroyed her life once, how in another way it destroyed mine.

"Supply and demand motherfucka" She would say to me. How her side of the coin was much worse not better off than mine in the end. How somehow we - [NO Piper, not "we" as in me and Nichols, "we" as in buyer, dealer, importer, boss] need each other to face our own exclusive rides along the H train on the road to self destruction. When I see kids - yes kids sometimes like her with all their spending going into drugs does it kill me in a way? Through the black leather and lace will it ever show on my face my distaste for this wasted generation of youth tangled up in drug wars within and outside of themselves? Slightly. Seeing Nikki beat up like that is starting to make me realize the true horror of the business I partook in. It's not only about my life under my boss, it's about thousands of people under the bosses that are their addicted brains so they can't use their brain powers to get themselves out of rock bottom. Overdose or permanent hell.

And yet, somehow I STILL MISS IT.

No, not the drugs. No, not the sex with Nikki. The thing that I still miss is the business. Yes, I Alex Vause miss nothing more than being a drug importer. I was really fucking good at it Piper. I would make millions every day on dirty cash. I would have the power to please and persuade. I had people's happiness, sadness, depression, I mean the emotions of people in a whole entire sling of countries at the tips of my hands. I could travel around the world bringing short-term joy and long-term misery to anywhere I pleased. I could seduce young college boring folks into being mules and having the adventures of a lifetime. All for free, all on me. Because sometimes Piper it's not all about you sometimes it IS all about ME (ALEX).

Did it feel nice? The sex you ask because yes honey I know you probably skipped that last paragraph just to get to the juicy details you really want to know.

Superficially yes. I mean anyone touching down there is going to trigger some primal nervous system response. And god knows its SO much better than dick (at least to me. And I think it's the same for you). But was it fully sex? Not in the way I discussed previously. Maybe you haven't read those letters. Ha! Bet you want to now. But anyways I said previously that that sex is always a mix of romance and instinct. My instinct was triggered with Nichols, but I swear to you that the romance wasn't. There was no kissing, cuddling, curling her hair. There was no teaching [I promise Piper I liked that part with you]. There was no declarations of "forever and always". It was all business. She was there when I was feeling frigid freezing and that's the end of story. You know how I feel about my bed being cold.

What you're probably wondering now is… Did I ever scout you as a drug mule? And the answer is no. Not even for a second. The moment I met you I loved you. Like I said before - "We were never friends". You were not like those other mules. Superficially yes - you had all the proper traits. You were a rich WASPy bitch who had easy money and hated her parents and was looking for adventure had enough stamps on her passport to avoid suspicion and wanted to fuck a woman and have money left over for beers. On the surface Piper trust me you would have been perfect [as a drug mule]. But also please believe me when I say that… You're different Piper. You were always better than those mules. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on you and who the hell knows why. You pulled strings in my fucking heart that I thought were severed long long ago.

So there you go darling, are we through and through our cards on the table?

Not quite you think, I can see it in those bloody blue eyes of yours, I can just picture the expression you're making right now. You're giving me the same look I gave to you time and time again when I knew you were lying to me. You've mastered that smirk now. Not sure how, I guess you've seen it too much. I still claim you've had more to lie about than I have.

But again, stories for another time, Kid. You'll just have to open all these goddamn letters one day. Maybe you'll be thankful about how persistent, consistent and loving I've always been to you. And I'm sorry for myself, yet sorry/not sorry for myself for letting myself fall in love with you Piper. Because Piper when I'm in love with you….

Please call me

-Alex

AN: Because a very lovely friend on this site recently told me what "AN" stood for

I always write the author's notes at the end, because I never feel like reading them at the beginning when I just want the story.

Standard shoutouts to reviewers, you have helped me grow so much as a writer I am humbled by every word: KarmAshcroft, Socha28, FaeCym, JessTerr, Flawed-Fallacy, izzielg you all make the honours list 3

To all those who favourite, follow the story I'm just so SO glad you liked this work. Writing a first fanfic is quite the ride!

For those who follow me as an author: Hint Hint I have another story being written in my back pocket for when this one comes to a close :D

Best wishes to everyone

Ps. To anyone who chose not to read the previous chapter I posted due to the trigger warning at the top - You are amazing. Thank you all for taking your own mental health and safety seriously. I am a strong advocate for healthy brains and healthy minds. I respect people can need to distance themselves from certain topics due to previous experiences which they don't want to re live. I am in absolutely no way offended if any reader ever decides they need to skip a paragraph or chapter. Additionally if you feel I have ever missed a trigger warning that should be added PLEASE let me know.

3 Lots of Love 3 Bobbiejelly