AV
Queen's
Piper Chapman
Litchfield Prison
Letter One
Piper,
I heard your voice today.
That was the sweetest sound I have heard all week. When I heard your voice on the line it was only a faint whisper, but I would recognize that voice anywhere. I would recognize it even if I could not hear it would reverberate into my soul. It is the sweetest sound I heard my whole entire life. My chest threatened to burst open into tears when I picked up the phone. My heart threatened to break and burst out of my fucking chest.
I love you Piper.
I still do.
I'm really fucking lonely here in Queens. All I hear are the sounds of cars rushing by. They always seem to have places to go and people to see but I, do not. And funny enough Piper, I miss YOU the most. Even all the fucked up things you've done to me or lied to me about you still have this power over me. You still have this gravitational pull as if the universe draws us closer, closer.
So you are reading these letters Piper. You are I never knew but you are. You let slip that you read at least the one that says "I asked to get the same deal for you". I did. I swear I did but like I previously explained your testimony has no weight and it would do more harm than good.
I didn't want to put you in more danger, not in any more danger than you already are. Not more danger like the danger I might be in.
You never knew the extent of the violence in the cartel. I hid it from you. I wanted you to believe it was only about five-star hotels in Cambodia with three strangers and drag. And all I had to do was flirt with some girls emptily and take a few phone calls to be raking in millions upon millions.
I thought the chances of you getting caught were one in a million. I had nightmares I would wake up from where you would be arrested and taken from my arms.
Remember what I said to you Piper "I'm glad we have each other in here".
I would beg and plead and give myself up. I would stay there in prison just so you wouldn't be alone. Funny how by some dumb luck that actually happened anyways in our whirls and twirls of who was naming who. I still regret lying to you about that. I never in a million years thought you would ever have access to those files. So I lied to you for the first time that day, and I felt my voice quiver and shake. And I held my gaze and glazed my eyes over so you couldn't read into me. And I took a deep breath that you believed me.
When you found out it was me I thought I was going to cry. I thought I would cry because after all those years I felt I had finally won you back. And I fucked it all up again. I'm a fuckup Piper. And I was losing you again, and this time into a more dangerous world of hardened criminals. You pushed me aside and said something I will never forget as long as I live "Because I love you Alex. I love you and I fucking hate you".
Those words cut me like broken shards of glass tearing up every part of my body. I shivered and shrieked in pain, but only internally. Not on the outside. I'm a better liar than you Piper. Face it. I can read you like a book. I always could and don't deny that. And because I can read you so well that means I know when I looked into you eyes then that you were being genuine in your words. I know you love me. I know you fucking hate me. I know I'm confusing and a mess and a fuckup.
Things haven't gotten better when I'm all alone here. I still dream of you. I still lie awake and dreaming between consciousness and unconsciousness and wonder what it would be like to pull your lips into my own. We've kissed so many times I try to recall each and every memory and I can't. And I don't know why it feels so far away now. Since you mentioned being in Queen's I fantasize about you knocking on my door and waltzing in and me sweeping you off your feet.
I still want to protect you. Like I told you, having you lie at your testimony was the only way I can keep you safe now. Even if you hate me more than you love me and never want to have anything to do with me I still want to keep you safe. Even if you go back and nest with Larry I still want to keep you safe. How I used to keep you safe, how many lies I would tell to the upper king pins. I would tell them that you were trustworthy, that you were active in helping my work. I would tell them everything that was untrue and nothing that was true about you.
They forced me to implicate you to carry that bag of money. They forced me and threatened to hurt you if I couldn't get you to comply. They thought you had seen too much, that you had to play a part or you could take them down. Piper you've never seen how fucked up the cartel can be. You've never seen a person shot down dead in the head in a millisecond because they missed a heroin shipment. You've never seen murder the way I have.
You've never seen the dark days of the grungy parts of town. The ugly sides of town where your yuppie parents would never let you go. You've never seen where junkies live in run down shacks so they can afford more hits. You've never seen the domestic violence that occurs after people get high and people remember until they want to forget or forget until they want to remember. And you've never seen the used needles, the broken bottles, the captives the screams.
Its ugly. And you, you're not ugly. You Piper are beautiful. So soft and so pure. Milky white skin like porcelain. Delicate and blonde and beauty wrapped up in a present that I could unwrap forever. And I love every bit of you. Piper you're different. You were always more than a drug mule to me, I promise. The moment I laid eyes on you you were different.
And I wanted to protect you. I wanted to protect your innocence, never have you touch the world that was my world. I wanted you to have the fairytale prince in your life that you dreamed of. And I was that, I was that for the longest time. Did you know I was going to propose to you? I was going to marry you. I had a tiffany's box in my bedside table in Paris. I wanted to propose to you outside the eiffel tower. I was planning to the day Diane died. She knew. She loved you too, kid.
And now I still want you to be safe. But I want to see you. I know that by coming closer I'm bringing the danger closer to you. They say that "Shady arab dusky guys" are waiting for me outside my apartment. They say that there's a car always outside my window. I don't leave my apartment now. But I can't last here, I'm going to skip town. I'm going to disappear. I'm going to use some frequent flyer miles I still have and I'm going, away to who knows where. And I'll never see you again.
But first off, I will visit. I promise you.
Alex
AN: Thanks all to the readers of this story. Lot of angst going on here. We're reaching the climax of this story. Keep ready, keep reviewing. Love you all,
Bobbiejelly