A/N: Best. Villains. EVER. Maybe.
The Joker And Harley Quinn: The Married Life
Chapter 10: "Ghosts"
When you are married to someone, you typically like to spend time with them. Engaging activities, creative crafts, and meditating with movies are just some of the things you can do, often followed by a spirited debate about the positive and negative aspects of the activity.
Of course, if you are a supervillain couple, then those activities are drastically different. The Joker and Harley Quinn enjoyed committing crimes and capers across Gotham, gleefully giggling as they spread murderous mirth. The Joker had once snidely joked that Batman and Robin had the same idea, only to earn a horrible beating from the Dynamic Duo. Later, spitting out a tooth, he decided against making future remarks, saying that 'concussions weren't funny.'
On those rare date nights when they were not doing anything remotely illegal, they could be found having a romantic dinner at the Iceberg Lounge. However, on this night, they were not at the Iceberg Lounge, nor were they shooting poisoned arrows at passerby. Instead, the Joker and Harley Quinn were conducting their monthly team-up application meetings.
You see, all the local villains in Gotham were looking for new ways to shake things up and throw Batman off his game. Switching tactics, trading clues, exchanging weaponry- that sort of thing. One fairly new tactic involved teaming up with other villains, either lesser-known ones who had managed to stay under the radar or the horribly murderous and terrifying ones.
Despite what you may think, a lot of thugs and lackeys chose to ally with the latter. The more attention their 'ally' received from the Bat, they gathered, the more likely they were to escape relatively unharmed. Obviously, if other heroes were there, they were doomed, but no one was considering that at the time.
Harley was a fan of the idea, having realized that Batman had foiled the last five heists that she had perpetrated with Poison Ivy. The Joker wasn't as enthusiastic, although that was mostly because any minor criminal who saw him developed a tendency to stutter and wet their pants. Striking fear into the hearts of crooks was all well and good, but not if it impeded one's efficiency. It was getting harder and harder to find people willing to dress up as clowns and comedians.
Even so, on the fourteenth of every month, the two set up shop in one of the Iceberg Lounge's back rooms, courtesy of the Penguin, and started auditioning a mixture of ordinary robbers and the more colorful residents of Gotham. Outside the room, an eager bunch of them stood outside, frantically practicing their pitches and monologues, a few bemoaning their lack of props.
…
3:45 pm…
Inside, the Joker and Harley sat behind a desk, trying to look as professional as possible. Well, Harley was. The Joker had a look of supreme boredom. Seeing this, Harley gave him a sharp poke with her elbow. "Pay attention, puddin'. The first candidate is waiting. COME IN!"
The candidate in question, a nervous-looking chap by the name of Shy Ronnie, was outside, trembling and fidgeting. After hearing Harley's shout, he strode in and sat down, grinning smugly. "Hi, I'm Shy Ronnie. I've based my persona on a late-night comedy show's character to get people to underestimate me. Want to hear me rap?"
Harley rolled her eyes. "No, thanks. What are your references?"
Shy Ronnie opened his resume. "I have no formal criminal experience, but I have worked with several radio stations. I clean up the studio. I could let you in, maybe alter the equipment to electrify them."
Harley and the Joker exchanged bored glances, before pressing a buzzer. Timmy, now a half-human cyborg, rose up from a secret platform."I'm sorry, sir, but your ideas are overplayed and your experience isn't useful. Joker, Ms. Quinn, should I throw him into the hyena pit?"
Shy Ronnie attempted to squirm out of Timmy's robotic grasp, whimpering. "P-please, I can be useful! I have contacts!"
Joker waved a hand toward the door. "Toss him out. Maybe Oswald needs a shoe-shiner. NEXT!"
While they waited for the next spooked applicant to enter the room, Harley looked over a discarded paper from his resume. "Huh, he has some experience in pyrotechnics. Well, had, anyway. Timmy's really good at throwing things."
The Joker nodded. "Getting those nanobots fused to his body was the best idea you've had all year."
...
The Great White Shark burst in, grinning and wearing an ostentatious white suit. He spoke with a thick Boston accent. "Joker, Harley! So nice to see ya again! Remember that job in Montana? Boy, we were wrong about there being no capes there! Anyway, I had this swell idea for a plan. I can sweet-talk some head honchos at Wayne Enterprises into givin' us some codes to break in. After that, you could spread some whoopee cushions or laughin' gas in there."
The Joker raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, Warren. We're not doing something along those lines at the moment. We could use some muscle, however."
Warren shrugged. "Sorry, I've been trying to get back into the information business. But, if you need someone's face chomped off and Croc's in Arkham, call me. I could use a good meal."
…
Before either of the pair could call in the next applicant, Ambush Bug teleported into the room, flopping onto the chair. "Hiya! I'm here for the temp position. Not a lot of people seem to be needing a detective these days. Stupid economy."
Squinting, the Joker looked at the green-garbed Bug. "I feel like I know you from somewhere...Wait! You electrocuted me at Arkham. I'LL KILL YOU!" He lunged across the table to strangle him, but Ambush Bug had already disappeared with a quiet 'POP'. Grumbling, he sat back down, adjusting his tie.
…
A man dressed up in a fancy suit, decorated with musical notes burst into the room. "You say you need a coworker, I'm just the guy! Ha cha cha, cha cha cha, ha cha CHA! I'm the Music Meister!"
Timmy tossed him out the door while doing the Macarena.
…
After what seemed like an infinity of interviews, it was six-thirty at night. Harley was grumpy, having downed the last cup of coffee long ago. The Joker kept fiddling with his acid-flower, trying to plug a small leak. This month's plan for the interviews had not gone well, as the mixture of hardened criminals and small-time thieves turned out to be ill-advised. Several gang wars had already broken out in the hallway, causing the Penguin to curse, waddle into the hallway, and threaten to skewer the offenders with his umbrella.
Additionally, Timmy's tossing of Shy Ronnie was too powerful, accidentally sending him hurtling into the Iceberg Lounge's main dining area. Fortunately, The Penguin was able to pass it off as part of the on-stage act, but the event still ran perilously close to attracting the Batman's attention. (Incidentally, they needn't have worried. He was currently with the Justice League, embroiled in a series of conferences.)
On the other hand, several meetings were extremely productive. The Riddler, an old friend of the Joker and Harley, had a brilliant scheme involving an upcoming performance at the theater. Meanwhile, Arnold 'Ventriloquist' Wesker and Scarface delivered some covert items to them for a future plot involving chocolate Easter bunnies, old VHS tapes of spy films, and ceiling fans.
Still, even with the success, they were both eager for the event to be over with. Technically, all of the applicants were gone, but someone had scheduled something by phone. He should have been there by now.
Just as they were about to give up, a lanky man, his clothes decorated with packets for sauces and seasonings, burst into the room. "Greetings! It is I, the Condiment King!"
"Ah, geez, this nut!" Harley stage-whispered to the Joker. He snickered and started doodling a picture of the Condiment King on his notepad.
Seemingly not noticing their disdain, the Condiment King sat down. "I've been doing some soul-searching during a journey to better my skills. I've trained with the greatest chefs across the world, soundly defeated my opponents in seven cooking contests, and literally stole the show in dozens of county fairs."
"Yes, but can you do anything besides providing the catering?" The Joker replied testily.
Condiment King raised one eyebrow. "Good sir, that is what I came to show you. My friends, you are getting the exclusive premiere of my newest gadget! You see, I have procured the juices of the ghost pepper, along with many other peppers. I have been able to synthesize them, thus making my condiment guns even more powerful. Just imagine the Batman getting a good dose of Carolina Reaper right in the face! Please, I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl and her husband, asking for a chance to help kill Batman and spread chaos across the world."
Joker and Harley conferred for a few minutes, debating the pros and cons. On the plus side, he was even more theatrical than Clayface, and that was good for a laugh. Also, he could cook. On the other hand, he had little to no experience with committing actual crimes. But, he could learn.
Finally, they turned to him. Harley shook his hand, beaming. "Learn how to bake 'em into a pie and we've got a deal! You're in!"
Condiment King danced around in enjoyment. "Yes! Yes! Thank you. I promise, I'll be the best associate you've ever had." Unfortunately, one of his guns fell to the ground, spilling all of the juice, which melted through the floor and burned Timmy's face.
Timmy would get a bionic eye and skin grafts. The Penguin wasn't happy about the mess, but reluctantly agreed to keep hosting them after they promised to lend Condiment King out during meal times. Ambush Bug unsuccessfully tried to start a riot at WonderCon after the DC team didn't give him a miniseries. ("DC Rebirth, my antennae!") The trio's plan to burn Batman with a pepper-laced pie failed when it was revealed that he ate triple that amount of peppers every morning. Why? Because he's Batman.
THE END