Warnings: TRIGGERS IN THIS CHAPTER!TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER. Chapter contains a homosexual incestual relationship and sexual content between two women. If you don't like it, don't read it.
Rating: M
Summary:. What happens when she gets her wish and Tegan finds herself in an alternate reality where Sara is her girlfriend, and not her sister? Will be a LONG fic, updated often.
A/N: Hello procrastination! Here's a quick update. Hope you enjoy. Read, review, enjoy!
Disclaimer: COMPLETELY FICTIONAL!
In case you missed it: TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER.
Chapter 14 – Just your Smell
Tegan's POV
I rushed back into the hospital, pushing passed the front glass doors, and shuffling quickly through the lobby. I stopped dead in my tracks when I locked eyes with Emy. I gulped. I waited for her to lash her tongue at me, but she didn't. She just gave me a death stare and walked out. I took a moment to shake it off. Hey, that meant that she'd checked Sara out. I let some relief wash over me. I didn't really trust anyone else with any of our health but Emy. I guess that's why she's our doctor.
I opened the door to Sara's room, and saw the flinch when she saw me. She shut her eyes tightly and I waited until I could read the distress dissipate. I felt a pang in my chest for this. Part of me wanted to run to the plastics department and ask for a new face.
"Mum! Hey" I walked over to mum, sitting next to the bed.
"Tegan. What's going on?" Mum asked, pissed.
Uh oh. I gave her a hug, then walked over to the bed, unsure what Sara wanted.
"Sare? Where do you want me?" I asked.
I saw her contemplate it, then open her arms. I sighed in relief as I got into the bed, letting her back curl into me, and tucking her head under my chin so she couldn't see me. My hand went to her tummy, where I slowly rubbed over the tiny bump.
"Mum, we have some really great news" Sara said with a smile in her voice, although I could tell it was forced.
"Well, tell me then" Mum said.
I kissed Sara's head, just reveling in the warmth that overcomes me when she's near. I love you Sara. I love you more than you'll ever know.
"Mum, we're pregnant" Sara said again.
I watched as Mum froze, tears forming in her eyes.
"You're…you're… oh wow" she stammered.
A huge smile plastered on her face and she wiped a few tears away. I kissed Sara's head again and gave her a small squeeze. Mum got up, came over, and joined the hug. She kissed each fo our foreheads.
"Well it's about time. How far along? Wait, who's carrying?"
I chuckled.
"Sara, mum. No babies coming out of me" I told her with a chuckle
"I'm about 8 weeks" I could tell the words felt foreign to her, but she took my hand.
"Is the baby alright? I mean with what happened" Mum asked, worried.
I nodded "Baby's fine mum"
"That's why Emy was here. That's what we had to talk about when I sent you out" Sara told her.
"Oh! Why didn't you just say so!" Mum sat back down and chuckled "I thought you were just leaving me out of something bad."
"I didn't want this to be bad news. This should be happy" Sara told her. "I'm happy"
Sara snuggled back into me and I smiled wide.
"And I'm over the moon" I told her. "So, mum, in 7 months you'll have a granddaughter."
"But how do you…wait…you used…? Tegan?" Mum asked.
I nodded. Mum laughed and got up again to hug and kiss both of us.
"This is the best news! Oh there's so much to do. We have to get the nursery together, and Sara, we have to have a birth plan. I need to go shopping." Mum said, standing and grabbing her purse.
"No, mum, there's lots of time to do that. Really, it's okay." Sara said.
"Yeah mum, just relax" I told her, mistakingly.
"Relax? Sure there's time now. You always think there's gonna be more time. There's so much to do" She came over and kissed us both again "Oh, I'm so happy for you two. Tegan, take care of her!" Mum ordered me, then moved towards the door. "I'll call you later today and see what you two want for dinner. And Sara, I'm bringing you a green shake later. You need to be getting all your vitamins and minerals for this baby!"
Sara grimaced "Great!"
Mum blew kisses to us, then walked out the door. I gulped, my hold on Sara loosening, now not sure where to put my hands. I knew we needed to talk, but it's like neither one of us dared to. We sat in silence. I'd never had an awkward silence with her before. It felt, well...awkward. Only, passed awkward, cause it was Sara. I slowly started to get out from under her, and give her space, but she turned into me and buried her face in my chest.
"Don't go" she whispered.
"Okay" I whispered back, resuming my hold on her.
She started to sob into me. I rubbed her back gently and let her cry.
"Tegan, what if she comes back?" she asked.
"Who? Mum? I know she's a pest, but she's bringing us dinner" I told her
"Not mum, the other Tegan." Sara corrected me.
I took a deep breath, and it was my turn to eel the anxiety rise to my throat.
"She won't" I whispered. "I…I…I sent her back to the other world. Kaki helped. Magic stone, no big deal."
This seemed to ease some of Sara's anxiety, but now I just had the image and sensations through my body again of snapping her neck. I felt the tightness in my chest, and closed my eyes tightly.
"Tegan?" Sara asked after me, worriedly.
I breathed heavily, getting up from behind Sara, and stumbling to the bathroom.
"Tegan, what's wrong?" She asked.
I got into the bathroom and shut the door, sliding down it, panic taking over. My chest tightened unbearably and I started to sweat. Those eyes, gleaming at me: my eyes. I hit her, and hit her, and hit her, and those eyes pleaded with me. There was so much blood: hers, Sara's. It was all over me. I could feel Sara slipping away. I felt my shirt dampen through with sweat, as my heavy head fell into my hands and the room closed around me. I could faintly hear Sara calling my name from the other room, but I was stuck in that basement, reliving that scene. I started to hyperventilate. This is it. I'm going to die. I felt my heart pound in my ears, and tighten in my chest. I turned over to my knees, putting my forehead against the cool floor. I'm having a heart attack. I'm going to die in this bathroom. Then it dissipated. I took a deep, gasping breath as my body went limp, and I lay on the floor, my cheek against the tile. I closed my eyes and caught my breath. After a few minutes, I slowly stood and turned on the tap, splashing water on my face, and taking a drink out of a shaky palm. Closing my eyes, I took a moment to compose myself, then opened the bathroom door. Sara was on the other side of the door. Our eyes met and hers went wide. She nearly fell over. I reached out and caught her.
"No, get off of me. Let me go. Don't touch me." She fought me.
I got her to the chair, then let go, putting my hands up. She leaned forward and put her head in her hands.
Not looking up at me, she asked "Are you okay?"
I nodded "Yeah. You should get back into bed."
I went to help her, but she was still shaken up, and brushed me off.
"I can do it" she told me.
I gulped. This was going to be like this for a while. I let her get up and slowly make her way back to the bed, keeping an eye, ready to catch her if she falls. Once she was back in bed, she pulled the sweater she had wrapped around her shoulders a little closer, trying to hide as much of her body as possible.
"I umm…I think I'm going to go home and grab you some stuff. Is there anything specific you umm…you want?" I asked.
She was looking at her hands folded in her lap as she shook her head, then she gulped and spoke.
"Can I have your shirt?" She asked "I mean, can you change your shirt when you get home and bring me that one?"
It was the last thing I expected her to ask for. I looked down at my shirt, drenched in sweat. They'd taken the bloody one for evidence earlier.
"Yeah. I'll wash it and bring it back for you" I told her.
"No! Don't wash it. Just, take it off and bring it back." She asked of me.
"Don't look up" I told her.
I looked around. I gently tugged the hem up, over my head and took the shirt in question off: leaving me in my bra. I quickly moved to the cabinet in the room, and found another shirt, pulling it on. I tossed the shirt into her lap and she quickly hugged it to her. Now it made more sense. I took a deep breath.
"I know it's hard to look at me, and have me near. That's okay Sara. If you ever want me to leave, you just say the word and I will. If you don't want me to touch you, that's okay. If you can't look at me, that's okay. But if you do want any of those things, you need to tell me. I want to keep you safe, darling. That means emotionally too." I explained.
"I'm going to back off, and give you some physical space. After what happened, I want you to know that I respect you. I've always respected you and I'm ready to give you what you need here; even if all I want to do is hold you and never let go. This is going to be hard. I'm going to be here every step of the way. You don't have to do it alone. I won't let anyone hurt you. And you can have my shirts all you want. I love you, Sara Quin. In the deepest sense of the word. I expect nothing of you right now. I just want to keep you safe."
I watched as she nodded.
"Do you want me to call anyone to stay with you? Mum? Emy? Lindsey? Dallas? Ted?" I asked
She shook her head "I want to be alone for a bit".
I nodded "Okay. I love you. Call me if you need anything. I'll be back in an hour or so."
She nodded and I went to leave but her voice stopped me "Tegan?"
"Yeah, love."
"I love you too."
I smiled, letting the words warm me from the inside out. I saw the faintest of smiles appear in her eyes, and I walked out of the room.
Sara's POV
As Tegan spoke, I let each word linger in my mind. I love her so much. No one but her could love me like this. She loves me enough to back off. I didn't know that maybe I needed that. I've got a lot to heal from. I inhaled the smell of her shirt. It was sweaty, and normally I'd think it was gross, but it was Tegan. MY Tegan. I need to remember that. This is MY Tegan. All she wants to do is take care of me and love me. When she walked out, I quickly pulled the shirt over my head and hugged myself, laying down and closing my eyes.
I don't have to worry about the other Tegan anymore, Tegs had said that she was gone. She's gone. I've just got my wife now. No more worries. I sighed. This shirt made me feel so safe. What was that in the bathroom? Something big was happening to Tegan. I sat there and wracked my brain.
What if it was me? What if I was the one who'd been sent to the other world, and come back to find the other Sara had raped and beaten Tegan over the passed 2 months? What if I'd come back to find Tegan, passed out in that dungeon? That room that was covered in blood. What if I learned that she was pregnant with my child through it all? That she almost died?
I felt the emotions well up. I'd kill the other Sara. I sat with that for a minute. Nobody messes with Tegan like that. Nobody gets to do those things to her and get away with it.
I can only imagine how hard this is for her. She probably tried to get back to me very waking moment, and when she did, she was in a horror movie. Her worst nightmare. And now, I can't even look at her. Now, she's afraid to touch me or come near me, because she doesn't want to trigger me. This IS her worst nightmare. I took a deep breath.
But I can't just put my feelings aside. I can't be screaming inside as I let her just roam me freely. That's not helpful or wanted by anyone. I felt the tears slide down my face. I need her comfort, but I'm terrified by her proximity. I need her so badly. I reached over and picked up the phone, dialing the number I know by heart.
"Hello?" She asked.
"It's me." I said.
Her voice settled the storm inside.
"Sara! Are you okay? What's wrong? What happened?" She panicked.
"I'm fine, I just…I want to listen to your voice." I mumbled.
I heard her sigh on the other line.
"Let me put you through the car system. I'm just hitting our road now." She said.
"Okay."
I waited on the line and hugged her shirt closer to me.
"There we go. Sare, you have no idea how good it feels to be back home." She softly told me.
"You have no idea how good it is to have you back" I whispered.
"That means a lot Sare. How're you feeling?" she asked.
I took a moment and thought about that.
"I…I'm sore. Everything hurts, but it's just sore, not pain." I felt the tears start to fall. "It's so…I never thought I'd never be full of pain ever again."
I heard Tegan choke on the other line. I felt like I wanted her to know everything. Like she was the only person I could tell everything to.
"I feel like I want you to hold me so badly. Like I just want you to never let go. I just want to look into your eyes and get lost, and let you make everything all better. But, it's hard to…divide the feelings. She had your face, T. She had your hands, and your arms, and your shoulders. I can't help but…my mind goes there, back to that, and I can't…" I paused.
"Sara, it's okay. You don't have to. Take your time. Take all the time you need."
"No, Tegan, I want you to know. I want you to know everything."
"You know, I was thinking: what if I got some cosmetic surgery done. I could look different."
"No! Tegan. Don't even…" I ran a hand through my hair. "I don't want you to change. This isn't your fault. You're perfect the way you are. It's just gonna take me some time."