Warnings: TRIGGERS IN THIS CHAPTER!TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER. Chapter contains a homosexual incestual relationship and sexual content between two women. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Rating: M

Summary:. What happens when she gets her wish and Tegan finds herself in an alternate reality where Sara is her girlfriend, and not her sister? Will be a LONG fic, updated often.

A/N: Wow, 3 updates in one day. I'm hella procrastinating studying right now, and have so much going on in my own life I need this therapy. Well, at least you guys reap the benefits. Read, Review, Enjoy.

Disclaimer: COMPLETELY FICTIONAL!

In case you missed it: TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER.

Chapter 15 - Lucky

Tegan's POV

An idea crossed my mind, and my face lit up as I opened the door to the house. I smiled to myself. I dropped the keys in the bowl, and walked into the kitchen. I stopped and looked around. Everything was different. The toaster had moved. There were dishes everywhere. There were no photos on the walls. I felt my stomach hit the floor, and I tried to keep my voice steady for Sara as I walked down the hallway, passed her study.

"Hey Sare, want me to bring you a guitar?" I asked

"Please" I heard her plead on the other line.

I opened the door.

"The '57 Gibson?" I asked

I could hear the smile in her voice. I knew her too well. "Mmhmm".

I smiled and found a road case, tucking the guitar neatly in, then closing the clasps.

"Any idea what you want for dinner? I can give mum the heads up or grab it on my way back in."

"Honestly?" she asked, with a long pause. "I'm scared to eat T. It's been so long, I don't know what my stomach'll do. Mom gave me some banana bread earlier and even that didn't sit too well."

My heart broke. It'd been so long since she'd eaten. Sara. Sara hadn't eaten in a long time. Like a homeless child. Even though our cupboards were full, our fridge overflowing, our pockets fat. I felt the rage hit me, and I wished that I hadn't killed my cohort, so I could kill her now. I whimpered as that brought back the memories.

"Tegan? Are you okay?" Sara asked me, worried.

"Yeah" I forced out "Just stubbed my toe" I lied.

"Okay."

"How about some soup? It's nice and light, but healthy. I can rub your tummy as you eat if you want." I offered.

"I think I'd like that. Soup sounds good."

I nodded, pushing the bubbling feelings down again. I stared at the closed door to our bedroom, terrified about what was on the other side.

"Sara, can I call you back in 10 minutes? I need to shower" I told her.

"Okay. Tegan, I love you." She said sincerely.

"I love you too, Sara." I replied. "I'd do anything for you."

Even kill someone with my bare hands.

"I know, Tegan. I'll talk to you in 10 minutes."

Sara hung up the phone and I took a deep breath, walking into the room.

I gagged at the smell. It smelt like rot: a mix of infection, blood, urine, stool, tears, sweat, and just nasty. I took a deep breath out the air outside the room, then put my shirt over my nose and tried not to vomit. I walked over to the bed. My gorge rose. This is where Sara… I grit my teeth and shook as the tears fell. I choked back the vomit, and kicked the bedpost hard. I kicked it again and again until the wood splintered. I walked over to the window, threw open the curtains, and opened the window. I made a quick trip to the garage, got a sledgehammer, and went to work destroying the bed, and tossing it piece by piece out the window, until nothing was left but small scatterings of wood splinters. I sat in the middle of the empty space and cried, rocking myself.

My phone rang and Sara's face came up. I couldn't talk to her, not like this. I hated leaving her hanging, but I let the phone ring until it stopped. I slowly stood up and made my way to the bathroom. Opening the door, I was glad to see that this room remained untouched. I walked over and retched into the toilet, then pulled myself up and turned on the shower. I took off my clothes and entered the stream. My bottle of shampoo and body wash were right where I left them 2 months ago. Untouched. So were Sara's. I let it go, unable to think right now. I washed myself quickly, then got out of the shower. I dried off and walked back into the room, already starting to smell better from the open window, and lack of bed. I opened my dresser, and shook my head. What had she worn? I didn't want to put on anything that was on her body. I emptied the drawer and threw all the clothes out the window. I knew she wouldn't have put on anything of Sara's, so I borrowed some of her stuff, and put other stuff aside for her. I walked to her closet and grabbed a bag, folding everything neatly into it, then making up a toiletry bag for her. Zipping up the rolling suitcase, I put it by the door and grabbed a second gym bag and walked into her study. I grabbed a few books from her shelves at random, packed up her computer, iPod, and her mobile recorder and mic.

As I zipped up her bag, I remembered another place the other one wouldn't have gone: the boat. I have a bag on board there. I put Sara's second bag in the hallway and made my way out to the dock, boarding the boat. As I suspected, the inside cabin was exactly as it had been the night we conceived. The feeldoe was still on the nightstand even. I finally smiled, letting the happy memories wash over me as I grabbed my bag. I opened it and pulled on my clothes. Sara's were a little tight on me. I made sure to bring my bag along, in case Sara wanted any of it. I added the comforter from the bed to the half empty bag, and grabbed the pillows. I bet this stuff would help. I inhaled deeply. It helped me. I grabbed my load, and took off back into the house, grabbing my phone from the dresser and all the bags, then making my way out the door. Once in the car, I dialed Sara back.

"Tegan! I've been trying" she exclaimed

"I know. I'm sorry. The shower took longer than I thought." I told her.

"You worried me." She said.

"I'm okay, love. I've got a whole bunch of stuff for you. I'm gonna be an extra few hours. There are some things I need to do. Do you want to stay on the phone with me?"

"I think I might try and sleep some. Can I call you if I want to talk though?" she asked

"Of course! Sleep sounds like a good idea. I'll call mum and let her know about dinner and I should be back around 4."

"Alright Tegan." She said

"I love you Sara, sleep well." I told her.

"If I'm still sleeping and you come in Tegan, please don't get in bed with me. Wait until I wake up."

"Of course, Sare."

"Thanks."

"I'll see you soon. Love you." I said, meaningfully

"I love you too." She replied.

I hung up. I don't think we've ever said those words as often as we have today. It still felt like at any moment I could be ripped away from her.

I sighed and drove, my attention on the road, letting all the other thoughts fly away for now. I turned up the ringer on my phone in case she called this time. I felt bad about not answering earlier, but I just couldn't. I looked at the bare skin on my forearm and smiled.

I stopped by whole foods and grabbed some of Sara's favourites, and some prenatal vitamins. I went to the bookstore and bought Sara some magazines, as I browsed the self-help section, looking for anything that would help me help Sara. I bought her the new Richard Ford, and a few movies. And hit a few more places before heading to the hospital. I brought in as much as I could carry. When I opened the door to her room, she was fast asleep. I gently put down my cargo, and crept out to bring up the rest. It was three trips later, and I was parked and sitting in the chair next to her bed, self-help book open behind a bigger book for cover. I don't know how Sara would react if she knew I was reading up on it.

Sara's POV

I woke up and felt her near, felt the initial jump in my nervous system, my instincts figuring out whether to fight or run. But the smell of her surrounding me halted the instinct. I was still wearing her shirt. I took a moment to quiet my mind as I remembered who she was. I looked up and saw Tegan doing something I very rarely saw: she was reading. There were large, white pieces of gauze taped to her forearms. I slowly sat up and she put the book down. I braced myself to see her face, but instead I was looking at a Ninja Turtle Mask. I laughed. I laughed so hard. It felt so good.

"You look ridiculous." I told her through tears of laughter.

She giggled at me laughing.

"And you have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen" she told me, warming me head to toe.

She stood up and walked over to a pile of stuff she'd brought.

"I'm sure you want to shower. I brought you your toiletries and clothes. I tossed out all my stuff that wasn't on the boat, but brought the bag I'd packed from that night if you want that stuff. Umm…guitar, recording gear, iPod, laptop, movies, books. I grabbed you the new Spin, GuitarWorld, Rolling Stone, and National Geographic. Oh, and the new Richard Ford novel. Umm…snacks are here and some vitamins, mum's bringing soup for 6:00pm. I got you a decaf latte, over on your nightstand. And I brought the pillows and comforter from the boat So yeah. What do you want?"

My eyes went to my nightstand, and a huge smile plastered over my face. Through all the pain and feelings and ickiness, she could still make me smile. She could still make me laugh. She took care of me like no one else knew how. She knew everything I could possibly need or want at a time like this. I hadn't even thought about how amazing it would be to play the guitar or write music after going through all that I did, until she'd mentioned it on the phone. Despite all the things she'd brought, I only wanted one thing in that moment.

"A hug" I told her, honestly.

I saw the smile creep up on her face and she walked over to me, opening her arms. She hugged me close and I could smell her cleanliness, her shampoo, her deodorant, her body wash, her. I think it's safe to say that I'm in love with the way she smells. I sighed happily as I let her take me over in safety, warmth, and love. I let the feeling of being held by her creep in my darkest places and secure them. I let out a happy moan.

"Thank you for making me laugh" I told her.

"That's kind of my job. Comes with the title of "wife". I'll never stop making you laugh."

"Promise?" I asked.

"Promise" she confirmed.

"In that case, I need a shower." I told her.

I could feel two months worth of dirt and grime caked on me. I started to stand and she helped me. I leaned on her for support, taking hold of her forearm. She winced.

"Sorry. Tegan, what happened to your arms?" I asked.

"It's okay. I umm… got a few new tattoos this afternoon." She said.

That's why she needed the few extra hours? She was getting tattooed? What could be so important that she needed to tattoo instead of being with me? She sensed my anger rising and got behind me, giving me a hug from behind, wrapping her arms around me.

"Go ahead, lift the bandages." She told me.

They were lined up, facing me and I peeled back each corner. I slowly lifted them, then read the tattoos. They were both done in black ink, with brown accents. The lettering was in Tegan's handwriting. I'd recognize it anywhere. One forearm read "I love you" and the other, "Sara" so that when she hugged me from behind, they lined up one above the other to say "I love you Sara". My heart melted.

"This way, if you ever doubt whether it's me or not, you can look at my forearms and know that it's me, and I'm not going to hurt you. I'm never going to hurt you." She told me, earnestly. "I like them. They remind me that no matter where I am, you'll be somewhere, loving me too. The brown's the same colour of your eyes. " She continued.

I gently traced the angry red skin around each of the markings. How had I deserved someone so…thoughtful? She's perfect. I brought each arm to my lips, and gently kissed the new markings.

"You're perfect" I told her. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me. They're as much for me as they are for you. Now, lets get you in the shower. Want me to call a nurse and give you a hand?" she asked.

I didn't want a nurse and as much as I wanted Tegan to stay with me, help me, my brain protested. Being naked in front of her, having her hands on my naked body wasn't okay right now. But I felt strong enough to do it myself. I shook my head.

"I can do it. Just, stay outside the door?" I asked.

She nodded and got me into the bathroom. "Just holler if you need me. I'll be right here." Then she shut the door.

I leaned against the wall as I slowly undressed. I turned the shower on, and used the rails to help myself in. I was soaking wet when I realized that I had none of my shower stuff.

"Tegan! I need my shower stuff." I called out.

"Okay, I'll umm…what do you want me to do?" she asked.

"Just umm, crack the door open and leave it on the floor, then close the door" I told her, making sure to stay in the cover of the shower. My heart pounded as I heard the door open. Please don't come in, please don't come in. I heard the door shut.

"I put your whole bag in there and mine so you can get dressed. Let me know if you want me to call a nurse." She said.

I love this woman so much. I eased my way slowly towards the bag and took out my toiletry bag, grabbing my shampoo and body wash, then heading back to the shower. I couldn't get the thought of the tattoos out of my mind. I smiled wide. How lucky was I to have her in my life? How would anyone else deal with this? She was truly, madly, deeply in love with me in its truest sense and she showed me all the time.

As much as this hurts now, I know there will be another side of this. We'll heal. We've always healed together, since our birth. When that day comes, I'm going to do something big to let her know just how deeply I was in love with her. A big, romantic gesture to show her exactly how I feel about her. I reveled in the feeling of getting clean. I smiled widely as I lathered by stomach. I'm pregnant, Tegan's back. Everything will be okay. My wildest dreams were coming true. Standing in that shower, I thought back to 13 year old me, crying in my bedroom, dreaming of this moment, and knowing it could never happen. Yet, here I was by some miracle of the universe. Tegan and I were married and were starting a family. I'm pregnant. The idea still hadn't fully hit me yet. In that moment a flood of daydreams took over my mind. I didn't have to do the morning sickness anymore, and when I felt icky, Tegan would be there. I had someone to nap with, and to rub my feet and my back when they get sore. Tegan would be running into town at 2 am to get me pickles and peanut butter, and when the hormones took over, I'd be able to drive her crazy. She's be there at the ultrasounds, and be able to hold me through the birth.

This was no longer my only tie to her. I had the real thing. I turned the tap off and dried off, images still running around in my mind. I opted for Tegan's clothes, pulling on my underwear, but her sweat pants and t-shirt. I opened the door, and found her making the bed.

"Hey. You okay?" she asked.

I nodded and stepped out. "Can I..?" I asked.

She smiled and took off her hoodie before I had a chance to finish asking. She walked over and helped me put it on. Once the warm, Tegan-smelling fabric was surrounding me, I leaned into her, letting her hug me. She was still wearing the mask. It made me giggle.

"I made the bed with the bedding from the boat. Thought maybe you'd want something from home." She told me.

I sighed and kissed her t-shrit clad shoulder.

"You're amazing. Thank you" I hugged her tighter.

"Anything for you." She replied, rubbing my back. "How about a snack? I grabbed some hummus from whole foods."

I felt my stomach agree with the idea, but my mind worried. I still nodded. Tegan got me back over to bed then brought over the whole foods bag. She pulled out a bottle of water, the humus, and some pita bread and put it on the tray. She took up her seat next to the bed. I looked at the pita, and took a small piece, dabbing it into the hummus, and putting it to my lips. I got one smell of it and felt my bile bubble. I shook my head and put it down.

"I can't" I told her.

She nodded.

"How about some fruit? Grapes? Strawberries?" She asked, pulling out some small containers of each.

I shook my head. "I think I'm gonna…"

She moved quickly, getting the garbage can under me again. She put a soft, warm hand on my back as I brought up stomach acid. When I stopped she grabbed me the water bottle and I eagerly drank from it. I felt a whole lot better. I grabbed the pita and hummus and ate it eagerly. Tegan smiled and kissed my forehead through the mask, putting the garbage can down.

"Morning sickness?" she asked.

I nodded, devouring my snack. She chuckled and went back to her spot in the chair, picked up her book and kept reading. I finished the pita and reached down, into the whole foods bag, pulling out the grapes and strawberries, going to work on those. Food tasted so good. Tegan smiled at me, putting down her book.

"Wanna watch a movie?" she asked.

I nodded and popped a grape in my mouth.

"I don't care what we watch." I told her.

She nodded and put a movie in my laptop, hooking it up to the TV in my room. She went to sit back in the chair, btu I looked at her.

"Tee, can you come here?" I asked

She nodded and walked over. I leaned forward.

"Hold me?" I asked "And take that mask off when you get back there. I bet it's getting hot."

She quickly took off her shoes, and got in behind me, taking the mask off, I heard her gasp in air. I leaned back and she wrapped her arms around me. I snuggled my head onto her chest and felt her lips kiss the top of my head.

"Can I kiss your cheek?" she asked.

I took a moment and assessed how I felt. I nodded and felt the warmth of her lips on the sensitive skin of my cheek. She played with the waterproof bandage over my stitches, as the opening credits rolled. I looked down and saw the new tattoos. It lit my heart on fire. For the rest of my life, I can look down at her arms around me and just know, without a doubt. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back again, turning my face so that we were cheek to cheek.

"Tee, I want you to know that eventhough I can't look you in the eye, and that I don't want you to touch me sometimes, and that I freak out: I still love you"

"Sare, I know. You don't have to explain. It's okay."

"And," I gulped "it may be a long time before I can ever…before I ever want to…" I continued.

"Sare, it's okay. Really. I don't need that from you. I just need this. Hugs. Don't worry about it. When you're ready, I'll be to. For now, I'm so happy just holding you and kissing your head and cheek."

I felt the weight lift and I settled back into her. I may be the only person on the planet who considers myself incredibly lucky right now, but I do. Just look at who I'll get to spend my entire life with. Anyone would be lucky to get a moment with her. I get every moment. I get all of her.