Warnings: TRIGGERS IN THIS CHAPTER!TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER. Chapter contains a homosexual incestual relationship and sexual content between two women. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Rating: M

Summary:. What happens when she gets her wish and Tegan finds herself in an alternate reality where Sara is her girlfriend, and not her sister? Will be a LONG fic, updated often.

A/N: Well, looks like I'm gonna end up with another couple quick updates today. I just can't stop writing this. Hello procrastination! Anyways, enjoy, read, review! Thank you all!

Disclaimer: COMPLETELY FICTIONAL!

In case you missed it: TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER.

Chapter 17 – Fuck.

Tegan's POV

I sat in the middle of the nursery, looking around me. I laid back and let my tired eyes close. Bad idea. I quickly opened them again. It was 2am and I'd put up the final bookshelf. The nursery was complete, and Sara was only 11 weeks along. I sighed. What was I gonna do now? I stared at the ceiling, painted black with yellow stars. Sara would be fast asleep. She's been exhausted the past two weeks. I don't think I've ever seen her take so many naps before.

She started asking me to cuddle with her during them. I'd never turn a chance like that down, so I do. I hold her until she falls asleep, then I weasel myself out from under her. Therapy seems to be helping. She's slowly starting to lose the jumpiness, and settle back into me.

The trial against me had luckily been dropped. Once the police had gotten the forensics report back, they cleared me. There were 2 different sets of blood at both scenes. The victims, and the assailants. When my DNA didn't match that of the other Tegan, my name was cleared. I guess the DNA shift was for more than just procreation. It had taken a weight off of Sara, but me: part of me hoped that I'd be tried and found guilty. Maybe then I'd be free from the guilt of it all. No one knew. The only people that did were me, and everyone in the other world. So I sat with it. It ate me up from the inside out. I deserved to suffer.

The panic attacks have gotten worse. They can last as long as a half an hour now. Sara has yet to be around when they hit. I always walk away and do it alone.

I sighed and sat back up, looking around the nursery, hugging my knees to my chest. There was a rocking chair, changing table, dresser, crib, mobile, and a few bookcases. Everything was yellow and green. Mum had gone out and bought pink everything. We made her return it, with gratitude. It was something Sara and I didn't need to talk about. We were going to do our best to raise our daughter with as little preconceived notions of gender as possible. Let her choose when she could. Mum didn't agree. I didn't care.

I slowly stood up and made my way out of the room, and into ours. I creaked the door open and saw Sara fast asleep, snoring away, splayed amongst the blankets and sheets. I wiped my face with my hand. What was I going to do now? I sighed and quietly got into the room, quickly changing out of my lounge clothes, and putting on street clothes. I kissed Sara's forehead and grabbed my keys.

I walked the streets of downtown Vancouver. It was Saturday, but still not a lot was open. I headed into a 24 hour diner, a small bell letting the hostess know I was there. I sat at a booth and had a look around. The place was empty. A young girl walked in, carrying a menu and a pot of coffee. She smiled as she strolled over, and went to pour me a cup. I stopped her.

"No thank you. I'm not a coffee drinker." I told her.

She handed me the menu and turned her head sideways.

"Not many people come by here at 3am and refuse coffee. Then again, not many people come by here at 3am." She said, sitting down. "In fact, you're my first customer of the night. Wait…I recognize you from somewhere."

She looked down at my arms, folded on the table and saw the new tattoos.

"You're Tegan Quin, aren't you?" she asked.

I sighed and nodded.

"Cool. My younger sister loves your band. To be honest, I've never heard you guys. I'm not really a fan of mainstream pop."

I couldn't help but chuckle. Sometimes I forgot we were mainstream pop in this world. I shrugged.

"I'm an indie fan myself." I told her.

"Classical" she replied.

I nodded.

"Well, I'll leave you alone with the menu then. Wouldn't want to hold you up. I bet you've got somewhere important to be." She said.

I shook my head. "Please, sit. I could use the company…if you don't mind." I asked of her.

She nodded and reached behind her, grabbing two cans of pop out of the fridge behind the booth. She handed one to me and she drank the other.

"So, where's Sara tonight?" she asked.

"Home, sleeping. Where I should be." I told her, staring at the label of the can.

"Why aren't you?"

"I don't sleep much these days. A lot's happened." I replied, swallowing hard. "What about you, what's your name?"

"Mandy. Nice to meet you" she stuck out her hand, and I shook it with a forced grin.

"So, Mandy, what are you doing working at a diner at 3 am? You look like you're only about 20." I commented.

She nodded "I go to Simon Fraser. I work midnights to pay for school. 40 hours a week here, and 30 hours of school. It's tough, but it's not like I have the choice. "

"When do you sleep?" I asked, with a huff.

"Well I'm like you. I don't sleep much these days. I can't afford to. I've got a little one at home who needs to eat, and have clothes, and a home." She pulled a picture out of her pocket and showed me.

I smiled "He's cute. How old is he?"

"Two. Turned two a month ago. He's my world." She replied.

"He really is adorable."

"I hear Sara's pregnant. Congratulations. You'll have your own soon enough" she exclaimed.

I smiled wide, thinking about it. "I just finished the nursery tonight. She just got over the morning sickness. 11 weeks."

"Oh that's a good time. The first trimester's the worst."

I nodded. A sudden urge to be in bed with Sara came over me. I wanted to pull her close and feel her body respond to mine like it always had.

"You know, Mandy. Now I really want to be home. Thank you." I told her.

She smiled "Well, let me grab you a piece of pie to bring home to Sara. She'll love you for it."

"Yeah, I bet she would. That'd be great. Thanks." I told her.

She walked into the back, and I pulled out my wallet. I grabbed a few hundreds, and a five for the pie out of my emergency pocket and folded them over, hiding them under her can of pop. She came out with a Styrofoam takeout box.

"Thanks again for the conversation, and the pie." I told her.

She nodded.

"I'm sure we'll see each other again." I told her.

She smiled wider "I'd like that. Thank you for keeping me company, Tegan."

I nodded "Oh. I almost forgot." I patted down my pockets, until I found a pen. I grabbed a napkin and scrawled something on it. I handed it to her. "For your sister."

"Oh she'll love it. She's not going to believe me when I tell her."

"Thanks again Mandy." I told her and she nodded. "Have a good night."

And with that, I walked out of diner and back into the street. I inhaled deeply the fall night, looking up at the stars. I felt invigorated.

I walked into our room a half an hour later, after putting the pie in the fridge, and slid in behind Sara. She shifted in her sleep, and curled right up to me. I kissed her forehead.

"What time is it?" she mumbled, her eyes still closed.

"5am. Go back to sleep, love." I told her softly.

She nodded, yawned and snuggled down. Against my better judgement and my will, my eyes closed. I drifted to sleep.

An hour later, I woke with a gasp, pouring sweat. My dreams had brought me back to that place. Sara was still out cold, as I quickly got out of bed and into the bathroom. The gravity of the dream fell over me and mixed with the exhaustion. I felt worse after having slept. I had to get out of this house.

I was driving the streets of North Vancouver, and stopped. I was incredibly irritable. So frustrated and angry. The red lights and stop signs were driving me insane. There was a young, fit guy out for a morning run. He ran by me as I pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car, kicking the tire. I doubled over and puked. So tired, I puked. He came running back over to me.

"Hey, you okay, bro?" he asked.

I stood up and looked at him, nodding. "Thanks. I'm fine."

"You're one of those dykes! Those married music dykes!" he exclaimed.

I felt the rage swell inside of me. And I thought I was irritable before.

"Maybe you're puking because you finally found the right dick and got pregnant." He told me again.

He went to run away, and I jumped on him, letting my anger and irritation, and all the feelings come out. I caught him off guard and tackled him to the ground.

"What the fuck?" he yelled as I got a knee to his balls.

I just started wailing on this guy. I was back there, he was me. I relived it all, only it felt like a release. I closed my hands around his neck and squeezed, watching his eyes. They were just like hers. Only this time, I felt a sharp pain as my arms were pulled back awkwardly, and my face shoved into the dirt.

"You okay, sir?" a voice boomed to the man I'd assaulted.

I couldn't see anything by the road, as I spit out the dirt.

"Get offa me!" I yelled, struggling, as I felt the cool metal of handcuffs being slapped on me.

"Mrs. Quin, you are under arrest for assault. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law."

Fuck.