Warnings: TRIGGERS IN THIS CHAPTER!TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER. Chapter contains a homosexual incestual relationship and sexual content between two women. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Rating: M

Summary:. What happens when she gets her wish and Tegan finds herself in an alternate reality where Sara is her girlfriend, and not her sister? Will be a LONG fic, updated often.

A/N: Second update today. Wanted to get it to the hopeful point. A whole lot of heavy stuff lately. I can't just cut the story to make everything happy, but I can write like a mad woman until I work it to a hopeful patch. Enjoy, read, review!

Disclaimer: COMPLETELY FICTIONAL!

In case you missed it: TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER.

Chapter 18 – Slay the Dragon

Tegan hadn't said a word since I'd picked her up. She stared out the window of the passenger's side, her eyes drooping. I didn't know what to say. I still didn't know what had happened. They tell me that she assaulted a runner randomly. Luckily we were able to post bail. She's worse than I thought. She's been hiding it really well I think. But now, empty, exhausted eyes betray her. Her image is getting fuzzy, and I can see that she's been coming slowly apart at the seams. We've almost done an exchange. I've been getting better, and she's been getting worse. I know I haven't been the most open person lately, and for a long time, I didn't want to hear about her emotions. I had too many of my own. But sitting here, next to her, watching her body gently shake and to see the exhaustion. She was falling further from me.

She'd been taking such good care of me lately. I wanted so badly to be there for her. I took a deep breath. How do I feel about that? Can I handle her emotions now? Am I ready for the breakdown I know is coming? I sat with that, then I turned into the driveway and opened the garage door. Yes, I was. I pulled in and cut the engine. We both got out, and walked into the house. I put the keys down and walked to the fridge. She drug herself over to the couch and collapsed on it, staring at the ceiling. I kept an eye on her. She needed to eat. I made her a sandwich, carefully placing the ingredients in just the right places. She always said a good sandwich was about placement. I warmed a glass of milk and added honey to it, carrying it all over to her on the couch. I put it down on the coffee table.

"Eat." I ordered.

She sat up, and obeyed. I sat next to her. I didn't know how to do this. What words do I use? I looked down at my hands as I rubbed them together. She scarfed down the sandwich, and ignored the milk.

"No. Drink it." I told her.

She gulped, not arguing and gulped it down. Then we sat in silence for a few more minutes, until she got up and walked into the guest room. I sighed and grit my teeth.

Tegan's POV

I listened to Sara. I knew I needed to eat. But then we were sitting there, and I just couldn't do it. I felt that familiar feeling and I had to get out of there. I made my way into our room, into the bathroom, and closed the door. I could feel the sweat permeating my cotton t-shirt, and I quickly pulled it off, unable to breath. I gasped for breath and took up my position on the ground. The cool tile felt good, so I laid flat. My body jerked and twisted as I gasped for air, hyperventilating.

Tegan, you're okay. You're not going to die. You're okay.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

I whimpered as my exhausted muscles twitched and shook. Just as the panic attack hit its height, two strong hands pulled me up, and suddenly I was surrounded. My face was pushed into a soft, sweet smelling chest and arms wrapped around me. I clung to Sara.

"What do you need?" she whispered.

I couldn't think enough to answer. I just held her tighter, and she rubbed my back in the hug. I stopped breathing.

"Tegan, breathe. Tegan you listen to me. You need to breathe. Breathe with me." She whispered.

She started to take long, deep breaths and I followed, taking in shaky breaths. She pressed our cheeks together as I felt peace start to take over. I slowly started to come down. I lay still and limp in her arms, as I let the serenity surround me. I focused on following her breath with mine. Then the tears came and I felt myself come completely undone. She just held me.

It all crashed down.

My head reeled. I cried in the embrace until I had no energy left. Sara gently backed away, looking into my eyes. I sobbed and sniffled. She just looked down at me, lovingly. She gently wiped away a few tears, then leaned down and her soft, warm lips pressed to my forehead.

"Are you okay?" She asked, desperately worried.

I nodded, and reached for her hand. When I found it, she intertwined our fingers and I dared to close my eyes. Peace. I let out a small moan of relief and gave her hand a squeeze. Now, I just wanted to sleep. As if reading my mind, she let go of my hand, and gently started to pull me up.

"Lets go to bed. We can talk about this later." She told me, as I stood, letting her wrap an arm around my waist and walk me to bed. I sat down, slumping my body in, closing my eyes as she unsnapped my bra, and I clumsily took it off from under my shirt. She unbuttoned my jeans, and pulled them off, along with my socks. I stayed seated with my eyes closed. It felt like they were glued shut, as she got herself comfortable, then got on the bed. Arms wrapped around my neck, tugging me back. I followed, being pulled into her. Once we cuddled up, I heard her sigh. She ran a hand through my hair, before taking of my shirt. I flailed like a fish out of water, trying to help her. She tossed it aside, then took of her own, leaving us bare torso to torso. She settled back in with a happy sigh as I curled up onto her chest and she encircled me, bringing me down. That's the last thing I remember.

Sara's POV

I held her tightly to me, until I felt her slip into peace. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, as I hugged her head closer to my chest, dropping a kiss on her hair, then running my hands through the chestnut locks. What was that? Tegan, what was going on inside that head of yours? This is way beyond what I thought was happening with you. How did I not see the storm you held beneath? How did I not see it through your gritted teeth? You've spent weeks, barely able to breathe. You needed me.

I felt the guilt wrap around me. It was time, now that I was out of my own mind, to turn my attention to Tegan. I'm here for you now love. You don't have to do this alone anymore.

I stayed awake as she slept. She didn't move an inch, until the 2nd hour. I heard a soft whimper. I turned my attention back to her. Her legs gently stirred as her lips twitched. She was dreaming. She started to sweat and move more, then came the louder whimper. Now, I was worried. I gently shook her.

"Tegan. Wake up." I whispered.

Nothing. I kissed her forehead and shook her a bit harder.

"Baby wake up, it's just a dream. I've got you. I'm right here" I said a bit louder.

She gasped and shot upright, already leaping out of bed, but I got my around her neck in time. I pulled her down to meet me, and immediately wrapped her up.

"You're not there. You're right here, with me. It's okay. I'm okay. It was just a dream." I reassured her.

Despite my words, I felt her breathing pick up and heard the wheezing.

"No, Tegan, breathe with me, love. Try and relax. You're okay."

I kissed her cheek and gently rubbed her chest, right over her heart. I felt the tightness in her muscles. I kissed her forehead again, and hugged her tightly to me. She started to relax again, slowly, but surely.

I rubbed from the middle of her chest, out to her shoulders, trying to ease the tension, until she finally collapsed back into me, her bare back, hitting my chest. I wrapped her up and kissed her shoulder as she shook, then turned to face me. She put her face in my neck.

"Thank you." She mumbled.

"Of course, love. Go back to sleep. I'll chase the dreams away" I assured her.

She nodded and closed her eyes, my hand firmly between her shoulder blades. She faded again. This time, she slept right through until morning. A full 16 hours. I had finally fallen asleep, and was just waking up.

She seemed to be waking at the same time. I opened my eyes and smiled at her. She didn't smile back. She hid her face back into me. I sighed and rubbed her back and kissed the side of her face.

"Good morning, love." I whispered, kissing her ear.

"Morning" she groaned.

"Can we talk?" I asked.

She took a moment, then nodded, pulling herself away from me.

"Tee, I'm so sorry. I didn't know how hard this was for you. I was being selfish. I should have been there for you. I'm so so so sorry. I'm here now. Whatever you need. You don't have to hide this and deal with it alone. I can handle it. I want to heal this all together. I want to know what's going on with you."

She sighed and nodded.

"What's going on?" I asked bluntly

"I don't really know. I just have these…panic attacks I guess. I just can't stop going back. It feels like I'm dying. Having a heart attack or something."

"Panic attacks." I stated.

She nodded "And I… sometimes I just leave. Like, leave my mind. And I just sit there or lay there for hours. I don't know when it's gonna happen or how I get out of them most of the time. When I close my eyes, I just see it all happening." She paused, looking away "I hallucinate sometimes. Blood, bones, the smell."

"Bones?" I asked, confused.

She just nodded. I didn't push it. She was already pushing her comfort level by being honest and open with me about this.

"I hadn't slept all week."

I closed my eyes and took a breath as that hit me. I hugged her. I kissed her cheek, and wrapped her up completely in me.

"I'm here now, Teegs. Please don't hide from me anymore. I love you so much, and I can't bear the idea of you hurting. Share this with me. Let me help. I'll hold you until it's all better. I'll love it away." I told her, honestly.

She clung to me and nodded. She sniffled back tears, and let go of me, pushing me away a bit. She couldn't look me in the eye.

"There's something else you should know, Sare." She gulped. Uh oh. "When I got downstairs, I…I…I saw you there, bleeding out. She came downstairs. I…I.." her voice faltered, failing her. She took a moment to compose herself "Can you hug me one more time before I tell you this? Please? You may never want to hug me again after this, and I just want one last one."

What did she have to tell me that would make me not want to hug her? What did she do to me? Did she…was it her? I gulped and hesitantly, half-heartedly gave her a hug. She knew she'd scared me.

"I hit her. And I hit her. And I hit her. I just kept hitting her. I'd finally gotten back to you, and she'd…" Tegan gulped "I was so angry. Nobody hurts you and gets away with it. I hit her, then I choked her out. I wrapped my arms around her neck and squeezed." Tegan's eyes clouded over in a haze, as she remembered. I started seeing the true face of her pain. "I squeezed until I felt her throat collapse, and the light leave her eyes. Then, I took hold, and I snapped her neck and shipped her back to her world. I killed her, with my bare hands."

I felt a wave of emotions overcome me, and I jumped at Tegan, hugging her tightly. Oh Tegan.

"You're hugging me." She said plainly.

I nodded "I love you so much. Fuck, Tegan!" I sighed "I wish you would have just told me. If I knew that's what was happening inside of you: you reliving all of that, you dealing with that, I would have had a very different attitude towards this. This is all my fault. I thought you were just upset about me."

"Sara, this isn't your fault. I killed her. Did you hear me? I killed her with my bare hands." She held her hands up to me.

I smiled and kissed each of them. "Thank you. Tegan, you're not a murderer if that's what you're thinking. You were protecting your family. If you didn't…when I didn't know this: there was always that worry. That she'd find her way back, that something in the temporal folds or something would bring her back. You protected me. Now, I don't have to worry about that. This huge weight just got lifted off of me. I'm so sorry that the memory is haunting you, and no doubt you feel guilty. But you shouldn't Tegan, she had it coming. What you did was just and fair. You deserved that. She took me from you. She almost took me and our child permanently away from you. You deserved that."

I tucked her hair behind her ear and looked into her eyes. I felt my lips twitch, and I gently leaned in, pressing mine to hers. I felt the butterflies and fireworks as sparks flew between us as I glided my lips over hers, her hands finding my hips. I kissed her softly and slowly, then gently pulled away to look back into her eyes, smiling as tears filled my eyes.

"I love you. No one's ever made me feel so safe. I would have done the same thing if it had been you. This doesn't make you a bad person. This makes you my knight in shinning armour. You slayed my dragon."

I saw the cloudy guilt lift from her eyes to reveal the love for me beneath it. There it was again, the moony-eyed look she used to give me all the time. We smiled at each other and I kissed her again, feeling my addiction to her lips creeping up again. It could stay. That was an addiction I never want to quit again.

"I didn't think I could love you anymore, then you go and do this." I sighed and smiled.