CHAPTER TWELVE:

May 14, 1985

Dear Melissa,

I have nothing much to tell you about this month. The days were all huge blurs for me – like the random strangers you see on the platform of a train station when you are on the train, helplessly whizzing pass by them. I have been saddened recently and … it is not something new for you, is it?

I've performed in Las Vegas in the 6th of May and the whole ensemble itself was a wonderful experience for me. I've finally danced my dream. I've finally done it.

Missy, sometimes when I am all alone in my room at night, I still hear you whispering in my ear those parting words you told me the day I left for America. Do you remember? You told me that I wouldn't get anywhere in America. You told me that I was fucking cliché to pursue my own "American dream."

What if I listened, Missy? What if I stayed? What if I am in Wales today and I'm sitting with you, Charles, Bill, and your baby in front of our old fireplace right now?

Recently, I have been wondering whether my decision has been right all along. I wouldn't lie: at first, it was right; at first, it was perfect. I got the opportunity to dance in Las Vegas finally after dreaming about it for years.

I wonder, now, if that has changed. Do I still feel that it is right? Do I still feel that it is perfect? Do I still feel that I belong here? If I did stay in Wales, will I still be who I am today? Will I still be the Dana Katherine Scully I believe myself to be now?

My purpose here confuses me, Melissa. I cry myself to sleep and I wake up the next morning as if I have never slept at all. At least when I get up and look at myself at the mirror, I laugh at my reflection because that means that I still have something to laugh about. Laughing seems to be such an effort lately. I don't know. Maybe I'm just stressed out here. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I need to get away from this place – the very same place I chose to go to after getting away from Wales.

I shouldn't ramble anymore. I hope you write back and tell me all about your baby. Is it a boy or a girl? What's the name?

Give my love and kisses to Charles and Bill, please.

Anrhega 'm cara at Fam. Hi s 'm gwarchodwr drwo pawb hon anhrefn yno.

Signed,
Dana

END OF CHAPTER TWELVE