Warnings: TRIGGERS IN THIS CHAPTER!TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER. Chapter contains a homosexual incestual relationship and sexual content between two women. If you don't like it, don't read it.
Rating: M
Summary:. What happens when she gets her wish and Tegan finds herself in an alternate reality where Sara is her girlfriend, and not her sister? Will be a LONG fic, updated often.
A/N: I love the fluff, but there comes a point when story needs to happen. Yay angst! This is the beginning of another stretch of it. No more big time stuff like before, just more building on what happened earlier. Warnings are staying up for safety. Thank you to all my reviewers. You totally motivated me to get this done and up quickly! To answer a few questions: Sara was 16 weeks last chapter. We're gonna get another look into the other world soon. You'll find out why we haven't heard from it in a while. Also, this will get Sci-fi like at some point in the near future. It won't take over the romance of the story, but will linger throughout the fic, popping up here and there. Anyways, Read. Review. Enjoy. This one's a long one.
Disclaimer: COMPLETELY FICTIONAL!
In case you missed it: TRIGGER WARNING! CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RAPE, AND MURDER.
Chapter 23 – Ellen!
We were finally on our way home. Just a couple more shows on the West coast, then we were done. I couldn't wait to just take a bath in our big tub, and sleep in our bed. No demands, nothing to do but read, slowly work on the next album, and be with Tegan. I sighed and looked out the window, running my hands through Tegan's hair. She was laying in my lap, on the couch, watching a movie. I got bored of it. It was one of those really bad slashers. The boys had turned it into a drinking game. I was happy to just watch the scenery and accept kisses on my tummy every now and again. I was just coming up on 18 weeks, and had really started to pop. Everyone kept telling me it's because I'm so tiny, it seems so much bigger than it is. Tegan was sure to give me daily affirmations of how beautiful I am. They always made me smile. She can always make me smile. The sex was fantastic too. I still had moments of fear, sometimes right in the middle. She always somehow knew, and would stop and check in with me. She'd remind me that it was her, and that we could stop. I never wanted to stop. Ever. I wish I could walk around with her inside of me all day. Just fucking in the middle of the stage. The thought made me smile. I turned away from the window and looked down at her. Without even looking at me, she snaked an arm around my back and mindlessly rubbed my lower back.
Seriously, how had I lucked out so hardcore?
I gave her head an extra little scratch, then went back to looking out the window. I'm pretty nervous. We're on our way to Ellen. I've never been on Ellen. Never even met her. Well, the other Sara had, but not me. Our manager had given the show the heads up that scaring us was out of the question. Tegan was super trigger-happy with the fists, and scaring a pregnant lady isn't the greatest idea. Still this was ELLEN. She was our leader. Head of the lesbian agenda. I saw the lot as we pulled up. California was so sunny. We finally parked and I sighed. Tegan slowly sat up and someone turned the movie off.
Tegan offered me a hand up, and I took it. She pulled me up slowly, and hugged me
"Thanks. That's getting harder" I whispered in her ear.
"You know what else is getting hard?" she whispered back.
"Your ghost-penis?" I asked with a chuckle.
She nodded and buried her face in my neck, whining "I want you so bad right now."
I smiled and rubbed her back. "Later, love. We've gotta go"
"I know, but I don't want to let go"
I smiled and hugged her tighter, then started to push her away. She clung to me. "No. Don't go. Stay and hug me" she played.
I laughed "Tegan, come on. We've gotta go"
"Party pooper" she laughed, letting go.
We got off the bus, and headed into the studio. We walked into the hallway to the dressing room, and heard two adorable little English accents. Could it be? I smiled wide and looked at Tegan who shook her head, giggling. We got to the dressing room and went to work getting ready.
"You know our next guests from…everywhere. They performed at last year's GRAMMYs have won more music awards than could fit on a shelf, and recently announced that a new addition as on the way. Tegan and Sara, come on out." Ellen called as the music started.
I smiled and walked out, hand in hand with Tegan. We waved to the audience and walked over to Ellen. She hugged Tegan and kissed her cheek, then put a hand on my tummy before hugging and kissing me. Tegan did a little funny dance, and I did my bum sway one, then marched. We all laughed and sat down. Ellen was killing herself at me. I smiled.
"You know that dance is famous. There are a million gifs online of it." I informed her.
"I can see why. Oh god. You look like a baby pernguin." She laughed and then caught her breath "Hi Tega. Hi Sara"
"Hi Ellen" Tegan replied with a gummy smile.
"Thanks for having us" I added in.
Ellen looked at me couldn't help but laugh again. I smiled, folding Tegan's hand in mine, on her lap.
"So, you guys are on tour now?" she asked
Tegan nodded "Yeah. We're coming up on the end of a 5 week tour. Figured we'd get one more in before we take some time off."
"5 weeks? And you're how pregnant Sara?" she asked me.
I couldn't help but smile "18 weeks."
"Wow. That must be hard. You guys don't play dinky shows either." Ellen mentioned.
We nodded "Yeah, it's hard. I mean, we put on 3 hours of material and usually spend a while with the fans afterwards. I've cried a few times." I admitted, laughing.
"Don't let Sara dumb it down. We get out of the show and there's this line that wraps around the building. She refuses to let the post-show meet and greet slide." Tegan explained, letting go of my hand to add in her animated hand gestures, then grabbing it once she was done.
"Yeah. I've heard about these meet and greets. I've heard sometimes they go one for as long as the show." Ellen mentioned "That's dedication."
"Since the beginning, we've been all about the fans. We're not some puppets or robots, we're real people. I mean, I remember being right in a lineup like that to see Bruce Springsteen when I was 7 or 8. It was like…wow. He's a real person, you know? It's important to me that we do that for our fans. Plus they're really great. Best fans in the world. I have done a lot of crying the past little while though. I'm just little. I sometimes think the baby's half the size of me." I make sure to mention.
"So, there was an incident a few weeks back that the paparazzi got a hold of. They spun their own story, but what really happened?" Ellen asked.
A tabloid picture came up of the picture that'd been snapped as I buried my face in Tegan's shoulder that night I broke down. The picture showed Tegan holding onto my arm, what looked like tightly, and zoomed in on some scars covering my arms. "Trouble in Paradise?" was the headline. I sighed and shook my head, chuckling.
"You're laughing? Why are you laughing?" Ellen looked at me. I felt Tegan tense.
"Because it's so outrageous." I blubbered out.
I leaned over and took Tegan's face in my hands "Look at her. Like she'd EVER hurt me. The truth is that, that was one of those crying nights. Tegan'd kicked me out of the meet and greet because I was about to fall apart. I went and sat in the dressing room and cried. My back hurt, my feet hurt, I hadn't popped in a week. I was emotionally drained, I was done. Our guitarist, Ted had come in to check on me and found me like that, and went and got Tegan. She came in and gave me this big hug. We were on our way back to the bus when that picture was taken. I was super embarrassed because SHE'S the crier. She was protecting me."
The audience awed.
"No really guys, like she's been super sweet through this whole thing. She totally got me prune juice, and lied to the roadie saying it was for her, and got some massage oil and a heating pad, and just…"
I saw Ellen's eyes go wide "not THAT! God Ellen, get your mind out of the gutter. She gave me a massage. And just held me until I fell asleep."
I looked over at Tegan, blushing. The audience awed.
"I hear she's also off coffee and alcohol too." Ellen inquired.
Tegan nodded "Yup. Totally solidarity. I promise I'm not a complete and total sap."
"You kind of are" I chimed in, catching her eyes and smiling.
"Don't' give away ALL our secrets, Sara." She replied, smiling back.
"Oh you two. Well, you don't come to the Ellen show and not get a gift. Andy?"
I turned and saw Andy come out, wearing a pregnancy suit, carrying a tray. I started to feel kind of dizzy, but shrugged it off. It'd been happening from time to time lately. Emy had assured me it was okay. He brought over the tray and set it down, then ran away.
"So Portia and I found this hot chocolate when we were in Rio. This stuff is amazing." Ellen told us.
We all took a cup and sipped. It hit my tongue and I let out one of my long, loud moans. Ellen almost spat out her drink and I blushed. I didn't mean to do that. Tegan put her cup down.
"Wow. That's good." Tegan approved, casually.
"Sara? You hate it I assume" Ellen said, chuckling.
"That's the best fucking hot chocolate I've ever had." I paused "Oops, I mean…fudging."
Tegan lost it, laughing, slapping her knee "Get it? Cause it's hot chocolate."
Ellen laughed at Tegan, laughing and I took another drink. Ellen reached next to her and grabbed a Costco sized case of the stuff and handed it to us.
"Wow. Thanks. I know what I'll be drinking until I die." I tell her.
"That's not all. We've got these" she mentioned, then pulled out a basket of baby stuff, all green and yellow, with her face on it. Tegan chuckled and accepted the gift. "And this" She pulled out a giant, snake-like pillow.
I gasped and she gave it to me "Apparently sleeping while pregnant is hard. And this is the pillow recommended by all the top celebrities." She laid it on my lap.
I stood up and hugged her "Thank you so much." I stepped back, letting Tegan step in and hug her. I walked to the open space, seemingly unnoticed as Tegan took the spotlight.
"And we brought something for you. We know this month you've teamed with Hiatus House and we'd like to make a donation for 2 million dollars." Tegan stated.
The crowd cheered. Tegan looked next to her, expecting to see me. When she didn't, her eyes searched and found me.
"Sara, what are you doing?" She asked.
All attention turned to me, on the floor, curled up with the pillow. I looked back at her and called out
"You're fired." I snuggled back into the pillow.
I heard everyone break out in laughter.
Still laughing, Ellen did the out-tro "We'll be back with more Tegan and Sara after this"
I chuckled, then tired getting up. Why am I still dizzy? I sighed and tried to push myself up, to no avail. I chuckled.
"Tegan, Help!" I laughed.
Tegan came over and took hold of my forearms, helping me to my feet.
"You rascal! Glad you got your comedy moment though." She whispered as we walked back over to Ellen.
"You guys have to stop making me laugh." She mentioned to us, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"Sorry" I apologize. I sit down and take a breath. Tegan sits next to me, and Ellen takes a seat in her chair.
"So, Sophia Grace and Rosie are here. You two up for tea time?" Ellen asks.
I nod enthusiastically. She smiles "Great. Jeanie will direct you back there."
Jeanie came out and we stood up and followed her through the maze. We waited outside, as Ellen re-introduced the show, and gave the cue. Jeanie opened the door. We walked in. These two little girls lost their shit. I looked at Tegan and smiled, then we both bent down.
"Hi. I'm Sara." I told Rosie.
Sophia Grace flailed her arms "OH. MY. GOD. SARA QUIN! I have all your songs and listen to them all the time and I'm a huge fan and I wrote a school report on you and…and..and" she rambled on.
"Oh wow. I really like your tutu." I tell her then open my arms "Can I have a hug?" I ask.
She nods and gives me a hug. I look up at Tegan who's looking around.
"Where's the cotton candy machine?" Tegan asks. "Can we get some cotton candy up in here?"
Andy runs in with the machine and the girls scream. I sit down and Rosie walks over to me and whispers in my ear.
"You're my favourite because you're quiet. Can I sit with you?" she asks.
It makes me smile. I look over at Tegan, who's feeding off Sophia Grace's energy. I nod at Rosie and pick her up, sitting her in my lap. Tegan gets a few cones of Cotton candy and passes them around, then sits on the couch next to Sophia Grace.
Sophia Grace turned to Tegan, a mouth full of cotton candy "Would you like some tea?"
"I would love some tea, thanks. Tea and cotton candy go great together." Tegan joked.
Sophia Grace poured her a cup, and Tegan sipped. "So, Tegan Quin You're going to be a daddy."
Tegan turned her head to the side "Not quite. I'm gonna be a mommy."
"But aren't you the mommy?" Rosie asked me.
I smiled "I'm the mama. Tegan's the mommy. Our baby doesn't have a daddy, she has two moms."
Sophia Grace turned to Tegan "Where do babies come from?"
"Woah, I think that's something you should ask YOUR mommy." Tegan answered.
"We have tutus for you. Sara, we got one to even fit your baby belly." Sophia Grace changed the subject.
I saw visible relief on Tegan's face. Jeanie walked in, letting us know they'd cut to commercial break again. We said goodbye to the girls, then went and set up to perform. We did a mashup of our hits that went over well. I started with a headache halfway through, but pushed through it. We finished and Ellen came over.
"I want to thank Sophia Grace and Rosie and Tegan and Sara. I'll see you tomorrow." Ellen said, then turned to us and hugged each of us.
"Come back whenever you like" she told us.
We smiled at each other "I think we're gonna hibernate for a while." I tell her.
Tegan wraps her arms around me and kisses my head and I lean into her.
"Too cute. Oh. I almost forgot, Portia wanted to meet you two." Ellen told us.
She turned around and waved at Portia, who walked over. She smiled and shook each of our hands.
"Nice to finally meet you two." She told us.
I nodded and Tegan replied "You too."
Ellen and Portia held hands.
"It really is horrible what the paparazzi are doing with your story. " Portia empathized.
"Yeah. I'm glad we could clear it up today" Ellen mentioned.
I nodded "Thank you for that. We try and fly above all that though. We don't pay much attention to any of it."
Ellen nodded "That's good, because they'll eat you alive."
I nod "I hate to cut out early, but I'm not feeling that well. This baby's kicking my ass lately."
Tegan turned to me. "you okay, love?" she lifted my chin to meet her eyes. For a moment, it was us in our own little world.
"Can we get you anything? Water, hot cocoa? A pickle?" Ellen joked.
I shook my head "No, I'm okay. Just a headache."
"Nap time?" Tegan asked, rubbing my back as I leaned into her chest and nodded. We lingered for a moment, then broke apart to Ellen and Portia who had giant smiles on their faces.
"You two should come for the baby shower. No gifts, just a party." I mention.
"We're not really into fancy, so not really doing the invite deal. I think there's an e-mail we'll send out though when we get home." Tegan continues.
They nod "Sure. We'd love to." Ellen responds.
"Awesome. No worries about hotels either. We've got plenty of room." I add in.
"Are we having a lesbian slumber party?" Portia asks.
We laugh and I nod "Definitely. Call the paparazzi, bring your toaster, we're converting all the children."
The group breaks out laughing.
Tegan turned to Ellen "I think we all just became best friends!"
"Wait until the tabloids get a hold of this one. We need to bring cameras!" Ellen added.
"You've seen how Sara gets around cameras." Tegan said.
"Exaclty. You were hilarious today." Ellen praised.
I shrug "Aw, it was nothing." I sigh and close my eyes, snuggling back into Tegan.
"Right, nap. Well, we'll call when we get home, and keep an eye out for the e-mail. Thanks again Ellen. And Portia, nice to meet you." Tegan smiled and hugged each of them, then I followed, before we went back to hugging each other.
"Yeah, thank you so much for everything. It really was great to meet you." I tell them
They nod "Anytime. Drive safe. Feel better, Sara" Portia tell me.
I nod, and we start to walk out. I envy the boys for getting the day off. I checked my watch. Two hours until sound check. I'm exhausted. I feel the sunlight and squint as we walk into the daylight. The fans are all outside now. I'm still not used to the screaming. There are guardrails, keeping them away and a few security guys. I sigh and continue the walk to the bus. I take Tegan's hand as a few paparazzi take some shots. I smile wide, looking up at her. Tegan smiled back, but then looks past me, and her eyes go wide. I turn just to see this teenaged lesbian barreling towards me. She's going to tackle me. I brace myself. I wince, it doesn't come. I hear a grunt and then a scuffle. I open my eyes to see Tegan, ontop of this girl on the ground. Security starts to move in, but Tegan's got her hands around the girl's neck. I can feel her panic coming off in waves. Her face is blank.
"Tegan! Tegan, let her go!" I call out.
She doesn't move. People are gasping, paparazzi is taking pictures. Security's getting closer. I see the terror in the girl's eyes. I put my hand on Tegan's shoulder and she snaps out of it, jumping to her feet. I see her eyes dart around the place, then she looks at me, still freaking out. Security got a hold on the girl, who was still frozen on the ground. They surrounded us and ushered us to the bus. Tegan kept mumbling "She was coming for you. I just reacted. I just reacted. She was coming for you. I reacted."
I rubbed her back, and she hung on until we got in the bus. She started to hyperventilate, the panic attack heightening. She turned to me, running a hand through her hair, the tears forming.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I nodded "I'll be better when this attack is over. Breathe with me, love." I pull her into me. She hugs me tightly and starts to shake. I gently backed her up, until she was sitting on the couch. I moved to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. Bringing it over, I uncapped it and handed it to her. She took a sip, and I sat in her lap, wrapping my arms around her neck and kissing her cheek. She dropped her head to my chest. I gulped down the slight pain of the weight on my breasts, but her comfort was more important right now. I ran my fingers through her hair as I kissed her cheek again.
"Talk to me, Teegs. What's going on in your head"
She gulped and took another drink "I'm back in that basement. It's like anyone who threatens you, is her. And I want to snap their fucking necks. "
I felt the rage beneath her skin, and placed my palm flat on her chest.
"I'm okay. I'm right here, I'm okay. Our baby's okay. You're okay. We're all okay. Now take that anger, ball it up, and give it to me. Give it all to me." I told her. She took a few more deep breaths. I gulped "Thanks for protecting me. That was…scary."
She nodded, then looked at me, her eyes now clear "I'm always going to protect you."
Tegan exhaled another big breath as I clung onto her. The panic seemed to be over. That hadn't happened in a while, and considering the circumstances was mild.
"I'm proud of you" I tell her.
Then, my phone rang. I sighed and answered it "Hello"
I was answered by our manager screaming at me. I simply hung up and turned it off. I turned to Tegan.
"How about that nap?" I asked.
"Shouldn't we…?" she asked.
"probably, but I don't want to now. We'll deal with that later. Right now, I just want this headache to stop." I sigh into her.
She nods, and we head over to the bed. We curl up and forget about the afternoon.
I wake up to banging on the door. I groan and Tegan's lips find my temple.
"go back to sleep. I'll take care of it." She mentions.
I don't have the strength to argue as my head pounds. She kisses my forehead and walks out as I fall back into a slumber. I wake up to Tegan curled up, on my chest, crying. I wince as the pounding in my head seems worse, but I ignore it and kiss her forehead, running my hands through her dark locks.
She sniffled and sobbed and cried "The girl's parents are pressing charges. She was 13."
I sigh "Tegan, it won't hold in court. She was coming straight for me."
"Sh-sh-she was 13." She repeated.
"Oh honey." I wrap her up in my arms "It's okay. Be sad. It was a crappy situation. You did what you had to though."
She nodded and kept crying I held her and scratched her scalp for a while. She started to settle down and let out a big sigh, then wiped her face with the back of her wrist.
"We have to go to sound check in 5 minutes." She told me.
"Alright" I groaned "Are you okay? Because they can wait if you need more time, Teegs."
She shook her head "I'm okay. I just needed to elt that out"
I smiled and nodded "Okay love, you know I'm always here for that."
She smiles "I know. Thanks.
"I love you." I tell her, plainly.
She smiles and looks up at me "I love you too."
She plants a sticky crying kiss on my lips and I eat it up. I can taste the saltiness of her tears, and I want to comfort her so badly. I capture her top lip between mine and gently suck on it, then trace it with my tongue, letting go, and going in again. I love kissing her.
"I love kissing you" she tells me.
I smile. Still the slightest twin telepathy left over.
"Me too, love. Lets go to sound check."
We sound checked, and ate dinner uneventfully. Things were unusually quiet with the band. They'd heard about what happened. We're about to hit the stage, when I see a familiar face. I smile wide as she walks over and hugs me.
"Emy! What are you doing here?" I ask.
Then I saw Lindsey and hugged her!
"We thought we'd surprise you guys and fly out for the show. We wanted to make it to Ellen, but our flight got delayed. Sara, you look fantastic!" Emy tells me.
I blush "Thanks."
Tegan sees them and comes over, giving them each a hug then she turns to me.
"Showtime love. Lets do our thing. See you guys after." Tegan says with a smile and takes my hand.
I nod and smile at our friends, then follow her. The audience screams, and my head pounds harder. This should be interesting. Tegan steps up to the mic as I grab my guitar, putting It on. Playing with a bigger belly was odd. My guitar was in a different spot. But that wasn't what was on my mind right now. What was in the foreground was the fuzziness of my vision. I blinked and shook my head, clearing it. I smiled as we launched into our opening song. Tegan sang Hell with extra anger today. I smiled when it ended.
All show, the dizziness came and went, while the headache remained. I played through it, banter and everything. With four songs left, Tegan finished a song, and moved to the mic. She said something that came out in slow motion, then turned to me. The arena was eerily quiet. What had she said? I gulped and tried shaking my head, but I was falling. I couldn't move to catch myself. The world went black before I hit the ground.