Vi was lazily kicking a rock around like a soccer ball as she progressed onward. She figured that eventually she would come across the exit of the realm or Jinx. Which ever happens first, she would welcome it.
Soon the number of trees began to lessen, hinting that she was about reach a place of interest. The path rose and the wilderness immersion was suddenly broken. Vi had once again come across another house. Though house isn't the word to be used here; it was a mansion. A colonial style mansion with perhaps three to four floors and smoke stacks, giving it the appearance of a factory. A bland brick factory at that.
Vi noticed that someone was standing in front of the double doored entrance. A man with gold hair and lengthy beard of the matching color, dressed in footman's livery. Very professional looking had it not be for the out of place Viking helmet he wore. He didn't even seem to be paying it any mind. He just stood there, gracefully posed with his hands behind his back and feet close together. Vi struggled to recall his name. Owen? Orlock? Olaf? Yes, Olaf!
At this point, someone else made an appearance. Walking up to the Olaf footman was yet another Freljord native, a cheery muscular man with a mustache wearing a satchel over his shoulder and dressed in a courier uniform. He approached the footman and reached into his bag, presenting a scarlet envelope.
"Invitation for the Duchess," he said, handing it to the servant, "The Queen requests that she attend her croquet game." The Olaf variant took the envelope and frowned.
"Oh joy," he muttered, "Another thing for the Duchess. It's always about her. What about the footman? Does he not get any lover?" The Courier snapped his fingers.
"That reminds me," the larger man said and reached back into his satchel and pulled out another envelope. The footman looked at it with glee.
"Am I invited too?" he asked.
"Nope, jury duty," smiled the courier.
"Gee, thanks," the Olaf footman again frowned and snatched the piece of mail from his hand.
"Anytime!" the mustached courier didn't lose his joyful composure. The two bid each other farewell before the courier merrily skipped away, leaving the footman alone to sulk.
Vi had observed this encounter. Queen? Duchess? You mean to tell me that this demented Hell hole actually has a system of royalty? If I've seen the common people, then what's the ruler like? She shuddered at her estimates of the picture.
At the same time, her interest spiked. Vi proceeded up to the mansion entrance, past the unnoticing footman, and knocked on the door. Her Hextech Gauntlets caused the light pounding to echo a tad bit.
"Who are you?" the Olaf footman suddenly decided to take interest, "Are you with the scouts? We already told you, we don't like cookies!"
"Um, I'm not. I just want to see whoever lives here," said Vi.
"Well, you won't get very far by knocking," said the footman, "There's far too much of a ruckus inside for them to hear you."
"Can you let me in, then?" asked Vi.
"Why would you want to be inside when its such a nice day out here? You know, here outside…alone with the trees….nature…and the voices…" Vi gulped.
"Wow, that sounds…super appealing. But I really want to speak with whoever owns this place," she motioned at the door, "So, can you please let me in?"
"If you were inside I can let you outside," said the Olaf footman.
"Yes, I'm sure you can. Again, I want to go inside." The servant's head then slowly drifted upwards as he stared blankly at the sky.
"I know how you feel, I sometimes think about home too…" Vi cringed a bit.
"I feel we're getting a bit off topic here."
She then unintentionally leaned up against the door. Even though the force she exerted wasn't a whole lot, the door creaked open slightly. Needless to say, Vi was bit taken back that the door wasn't even fully shut much less locked. She gave an awkward glance at the spaced out Olaf footman before she entered the door way.
"Ok, I'm going in. I hope that's ok," she said.
"I can still hear their screams, papa." The footman said, completely ignoring her.
"Ok…bye." Vi then entered the mansion and shut the door behind her.
The precise millisecond when Vi turned around after closing the door, she was greeted by a plate flying directly toward her. She gasped and ducked and the plate glided over her before breaking into pieces upon smashing against the door.
As Vi stood up she found that she was in a sort of living room/kitchen. A couple of chairs, some more like thrones, were in front of a lighted fireplace mantle. An industrial sized kitchen was connected to the room. Right next to the mantle was a baby's cradle rocking back and forth. All chairs faced away from the entrance, but it did look like someone was sitting in the largest one.
Vi suddenly stuttered as she felt the sharp sting of pepper in her nostrils. She put an elbow to her face and sneezed loud and hard. This repeated at least nine times. When Vi looked up towards the ceiling she could see that it was in fact barely visible. It was hidden beneath an atmosphere of pure pepper clouds. The air was completely polluted with the spice for a presumably strange reason. Vi would find out why soon enough. The sound of shattering glass and cookware pounding could be heard coming from inside the kitchen. Every now and then a plate or two would come flying out and smash against a wall. Vi had to keep a lookout for any more of them coming her way.
"Hello?" she called out.
The chair stirred and whoever was sitting in it stood up and faced her. A woman, clad in a noble's dress that dragged behind her as she walked. Again, a Viking helmet adorned her head with one of the blue ice like horns broken off. Her face displayed the same hardness of a veteran soldier. To Vi, she looked like one of the tribe leaders from the Freljord; the meaner one as the other champions described her. The woman addressed her in a commanding tone.
"How did you get in here? I keep telling you, I don't like cookies!"
"I'm not who you think I am, I'm not selling cookies!" Vi said. The woman in the dress and Viking helmet raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, you're not?"
The ruckus in the kitchen suddenly came to a screeching halt and frantic shuffling took its place. Another woman popped her head around the corner and into the room before coming into full view. A younger woman with white hair dressed in chief's apparel complete with an apron and hat. In her hands were two pepper grinders. She was most likely the reason why pepper filled the air.
"Is it the scouts again, Duchess?" she half shouted neurotically, "We don't like cookies!"
"No, Ashe, it isn't! It's just a total stranger that let herself in my home!" the noble woman, apparently called the Duchess, yelled back. Another familiar face to Vi, it seemed. The cook, Ashe, then proceeded to empty an entire pepper grinder into the air, adding to the gray fog above them and causing Vi and the Duchess to sneeze a couple times.
"Oh, ok, then. On with it!" The cook waddled back into the kitchen and the mayhem she called her cooking resumed. Vi looked on with concern.
"Is she ok?" she asked. The Duchess gave her a motherly pat on the back, very unlike her Freljord counterpart.
"Don't worry, she's just fine. This is actually one of her finer days." This was promptly followed by a plate sailing over her head and crashing against the wall. The Duchess continued on as if nothing happened.
"Now tell me, why do you enter my home without an invite. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've never seen you before." Vi didn't question it. The Sejuani she's seen on the Rift was a completely different person.
"I didn't mean to trespass, I'm just need some help." Vi explained. The Duchess tilted her head. Despite everything, she seemed to be the sanest person that Vi has encountered thus far. Please don't Jinx it (pun not intended).
"So, you're a Duchess?" Vi asked.
"Not a Duchess. The Duchess," corrected the Sejuani look alike, folding her arms. She then led Vi over to the chairs where she sat her down across from her.
"And who might you be?" she asked.
"Vi," the enforcer introduced herself.
"Vi," the Duchess actually was one of the few people here to say here name correctly, "Welcome to my home. I take it, you met my footman and cook already."
"Did we mention that we don't like cookies?" the cook called from within the kitchen. Her voice was accompanied by the glass shattering.
"Yes, you made that perfectly clear." Vi said.
"Lovely…" Another cloud of pepper exited the kitchen and washed over the Duchess and Vi, who both gave a series of hefty sneezes. A few tiny ones emitted from the baby cradle beside them. The baby inside then began to cry softly and the volume gradually rose to screams until the Duchess gave the bed a rough kick and silenced it.
"You have a kid?" asked Vi, noticing. The Duchess Sejuani snorted in distaste.
"More like royal pain in my fanny! That's all my life seems to revolve around nowadays…haven't smiled once since he was born…the world would be a much better place without infants. They scream and demand like pigs and we get no rest!" Her voice displayed a powerful malice, one that a mother would never have for a child. The baby soon began to wind up another loud sob.
"Shut your mouth!" the Duchess screamed, slamming her fist on her chair's armrest, "Don't make me bring out the beating spoon!" The baby went quiet at once. Vi wanted to believe that it was only an empty threat, but given the odd bipolar like nature of the Duchess, it seemed unlikely.
"Maybe you should feed him," suggested Vi. The Duchess glared at her.
"Oh, he'd like that wouldn't he?" she sneered.
The cook suddenly emerged from the kitchen with an empty push cart. She rolled it out at like a million miles an hour before parking it in front of Vi and the Duchess before sprinting back off into the kitchen. She held a cauldron above her head like an ant with food when she returned and slammed it down on the cart.
"Soup's on!" she announced, "Today's special, Pepper broth!"
Vi gazed at the giant bowl, which was filled to the brim with pure pepper…and really nothing else.
"Where's the soup?" she asked. The cook recoiled back in offense.
"How dare you question my cooking skills!?" she withdrew a ladle from her apron, "This is the soup! It will make you strong! It's good for the bones!"
The Ashe cook scooped up the equivalent of two handfuls of the pepper and just straight up ate it. She even took the time to chew it before she swallowed. The Duchess soon joined in with a smaller spoon of her own.
"Ashe! You've done it again!" she complemented her cook, "Vi, you must try this!"
"No thanks…I already ate," gagged Vi.
"Suit yourself," the cook said before emptying an entire pepper shaker on her forearm then snorting it like coke. The affect was her sneezing in a rapid succession before her head shook as if an exorcist was being performed on her. And hey, with the way she was, she probably needed one. Vi just stared at the two feasting on the raw pepper, completely flabbergasted.
The baby began to cry loudly once more. The Duchess responded by whipping the cradle with her spoon, a bit too hard. The bed toppled over and the baby rolled out on the floor. It was covered a white blanket bundle, so Vi couldn't see it.
"Hush, son!" the Duchess scolded, "The grown-ups are eating!"
Vi instinctively dove to the floor and picked the baby up. She held it against her and gave it light back pats until its whimpering stopped.
"The hell is wrong with you!?" she yelled at the Duchess, who looked at her with disgust.
"That's very cruel, Vi. You're spoiling him."
The Ashe cook then grabbed the still relatively full cauldron and pepper and chucked it back into the kitchen. The sound of it crashing echoed throughout the room, followed by an entire cupboard falling off the wall and breaking on the floor and about a hundred other glass plates shattering. At one point there was even a cat yelping.
"Soup's over!" the cook screamed, "Time for the salad!" She rushed back into her kitchen lair. The noise of pure chaos ensued with maniacal laughter. Plates again began firing out of the room. The thin pepper fog on the ceiling thickened more than ever with the shakers rattling like maracas.
It had occurred to Vi that the best course of action would be to make a mad dash to the door with the infant. Call it kidnapping if you will, but this was not the safest place for a child. But Vi couldn't let this whole encounter be a waste time, she needed information. That's why she entered the mansion in the first place. She remembered the invitation that the footman had received.
"So…I hear that there's a Queen here," Vi changed the subject abruptly. It had worked, the Duchess snapped to attention upon hearing the word 'Queen'. She was so focused that when a rogue plate hurled from the kitchen to her face, she caught it with one hand and tossed it back from whence it came. Glass breaking against someone's head could be heard.
"I'm ok!" the cook called.
"A Queen?" said the Duchess, "Of course, there's a Queen; the Red Queen. The Queen of Hearts. She's actually quite a dear friend of mine."
"Where can I find her?" Vi asked. If Jinx wasn't the Queen, then who was?
"Her palace," the Duchess answered.
"Where's that?"
"Mmm, depends on how she is feeling. It could be close by or miles away." Vi sank in her chair. Not the answer she wanted…or had been expecting.
"You should know, you got invited to a croquet match or something." The Duchess shot up from her seat and put both hands on her face.
"I did!?" she screamed, "Oh, I must get ready! At once!" She then quickly left the room before Vi could say anything else to her.
"Hey! Wait!" she called.
Vi was caught off guard when a plate suddenly smacked her in the face. She jumped and covered her face with a gauntlet before she breathed in quite the amount of pepper and sneezed so hard, it actually caused her a bit of pain. More plates began to pelt her gauntlet shielding her face. At one point the cook would have to run out of plates, but Vi wasn't going to stick around to see how long to find out.
She tucked the baby under her arm and held out a hand in front of it. Vi then dashed towards the door. She blocked all the oncoming plates the entire way across the room. The door didn't make a difference, Vi simply smashed through it and trampled over it. She passed by the footman Olaf outside, who seemed to be having a rather heated debate with a rust colored leaf that had apparently landed on his head.
Vi continued running until the Duchess' mansion was out of view and the pepper scent was replaced by that of pine. Breathing heavily, she sat down on a tree stump and held the baby in her arms.
"Don't worry, kid, you're safe now," she cooed to the child, who didn't move or even make a sound anymore.
Curious, Vi removed the blankets covering it. She nearly jumped at what she saw.
There wasn't a baby at all, at least not a human child. What awaited her inside the bundle was a juvenile boar, whose tusks had just started to grow in. The pig snorted and squealed until Vi placed it gently down on the forest floor. It rose to its stubby little legs and looked back at her before grunting and trotting off into the wilderness in search of truffles.
It was a good thing Vi was sitting down at that moment, as she was feeling a little faint. She rested her head on one of her fists and exhaled. What just happened? The baby was literally a pig all along? How could it have sounded so human?
I'm trying to find logic in a world with none again, aren't I? Vi pinched herself.
"They grow up so fast, don't they?" a cracking and maniacal voice cackled from the trees above her.