AN: Well, here it is, the Mad Tea Party. The amount of rewrites this had was TOO DAMN HIGH! On the subject of updates: finals week, we've all been there and done that, brain hemorrhages galore. I feel like an update next week is highly possible, but I can't promise it. So thanks again for your patience and for reading. Also this only recently occurred to me; but did you know that I wrote a chapter here in this LOL fanfic where Sejuani and Ashe live together and have a child...what?
Vi would've questioned what was reality when she finally came across the house, but she had already done so numerous times earlier. The award for most bizarre thing she had ever seen while down in this Wonderland was a tie between the talking Viktor doorknob and this house. A mix of a shed and cottage (I freakin' hate that word, why did I use it?) with two chimneys that oddly enough pointed outwards like rabbit ears. And even the roof seemed to be made of fur, again, probably that of a rabbit. Vi had a hunch that this was the home of the Mad Hatter.
Her ears suddenly picked up the sour melody of singing and small glassy 'tings' of chinaware tapping against each other. It was coming from just beyond the picket fence beside the house leading to the backyard. Vi approached the garden entrance, she could begin to make out the words of the song as it grew louder. Two voices, two madness inducing cackles of voices presented the lyrics.
"A very merry unbirthday to you!"
"To who?"
"To you!"
"To me?"
"To you!"
Vi didn't like the sound of them at all. But like in most of the situations she previously faced or when Yasuo plays mid, she had no choice but to confront the insanity directly.
"Here we go," she said her prayers as she opened the gate and entered the garden.
A long table was set up under a tree by the side of the house. We're talking King Arthur and the Holy Grail table length. A white sheet of cloth covered it in a civilized manner. So much…just so much tea ware. Cups, pots, kettles, and plates; fat ones, skinny ones, ones with multiple spouts and handles or none at all, most of them were either cracked or completely broken with their contents spilling out. The plates were set up with silverware for each of the fifteen to twenty seats. Some of the platters had small treats on it such as sponge cake and biscuits. Order and chaos seemed to be feuding over control, but chaos seemed to be winning.
Despite the numerous number of chairs only three were seated…and seemed to be the only guests this party had to offer. At the end of the table, opposite from where Vi stood, sat the two singers. Each with full tea cups in one hand and arms around each other as they swayed about lazily. One of them wasn't human at all. A blue creature with an under bite of razor sharp dentals with a nose complementing the size. The red haired creature was someone who Vi had the pleasure (if you could call it that) of knowing. It was two days ago on the rift when she met him as he was, the Troll King, Trundle. They had fought over who was to jungle and top. The troll wore a tattered vest and bow tie, no longer making him look like the king he is.
His singing partner's apparel didn't differ as much, although it carried a sort of Mardi Gras jester vibe to it. What made him stand out wasn't his constant grin that would make the Cheshire Ziggs jealous, but the hulking article that was his hat, like someone pumped Caitlyn's hat with air. Attached to it was a small tag or…a joker card, weird.
Trundle…and Shaco…well, I was wondering when they were going to show up, thought Vi. The troll and clown continued their demented chorus, seemingly unaware of her presence.
"A very merry unbirthday! To you!" sang the troll.
"To who?" the jester Hatter went.
"To you!"
"To me?"
The troll didn't continue the song, he just paused. As on cue, the third party guest who had been sleeping with his head on the table, slowly rose from his slumber. A rat of human proportions…wearing a red waist coat and looking almost no different from his Zaun counterpart. At least he didn't reek of sewers here, he carried a scent of tea…much more appealing but it was still difficult to approach him like usual. Twitch Vi thought, knowing the times he and Jinx would team up and raise hell wherever they went. Truth be told, she was expecting him to make an appearance as well eventually.
The rat raised a cup and the other two followed. Their cups met in a toast while he sang the last verse.
"To…yooooouuuuu!" the rodent's voice sharpened as he hit the high note. The three cheered and took sips from their tea.
The Hatter Shaco's crazy eyes danced around his their sockets as he guzzled his tea. During his iris' waltz, they stumbled across Vi, standing in front of the fence with a lost look on her face. Shocked at her sudden appearance, the Hatter did a spat out the tea he hadn't swallowed…right onto the face of the Trundle doppelganger. The troll's immediate response was also doing a tea spit take with the Twitch variant serving as his target. When the spat out tea covered him, the rat also spit took…right into his own cup. He gave a sniff of ignorance before drinking from that same cup as if nothing ever happened.
The Hatter Shaco eyes Vi peculiarly before leaping from his seat and onto the table top. He then began trekking down the entire length of the set up toward her, stepping on and crushing (unintentionally or unknowingly) every unfortunate cup, pot, plate, etc. that happened to be in his way. The Trundle and Twitch variations ran aside him, frantically trying to save their precious tea from an untimely demise.
Once the Hatter reached the end, he proceeded to perform a graceful front flip off the table and landing a perfect ten in front of Vi. Despite not being the same bringer of death as the Shaco on the Rift, Vi still found herself unnerved as he stared her down. He was in her breathing space by the time he spoke, his breath smelling of tea (again, not that bad).
"I don't recall adding you to the guest list," a small hiss was present in his tone, "Don't you know how rude it is to show up to a party uninvited?"
"Uh…sorry," said Vi, sheepishly, "I was directed here, I was told that you could help me."
"Well, I also must say sorry. We're out of room, we've reached max capacity." Vi eyed the long table with the potential to fit at least twenty people with only two occupants; a troll wolfing down a sponge cake and a rat going berserk on a stick of butter with a salad fork.
"Doesn't look full to me. If this is a party, then this isn't much of a turn up." The Hatter Shaco frowned, which is actually more terrifying then seeing him smile.
"Party? Who said anything about a party? This is tea! Tea is serious business!"
"Yeah!" the Wonderland Trundle jumped in, "Does it look like where having fun?" He then hurled his empty plate like the Duchess' cook and it shattered upon hitting a tree. The troll then raised his arms in victory before erupting into a fit of laughter…as if he was having the time of his life.
The Hatter Shaco then snapped his fingers after spending the last few moments observing Vi more closely. It seemed as if, just like that, a change of heart overcame him. Such sudden changes were to be expected in Wonderland.
"You know what? I feel as if I was a bit harsh on you. You're the first visitor we've had in a while, pink haired outsider. Come, won't you join us for tea?"
"I really don't know about that," Vi scratched her head, "I kind of have a place to be…I think." Her gauntlet clad hand was suddenly gripped by the Hatter.
"Of course you do! And it's here at the table with us!" he cackled and escorted her to a seat.
And by escorted, I mean he was practically dragging her by the hand like an eager child to a parent up onto the table and on the exact route he had taken to get to her; across the spread. Again, moment of silence to honor the chinaware that had fallen prey to their steps. Most of which were stepped by the Hatter, while Vi had made efforts to avoid any destruction. Half way across, she gave up as she had to keep in pace with her guide. When they reached the table's end, the Hatter Shaco set her down in the chair in the middle as the center of attention. He sat down beside her with the troll on her other side.
"So," the Hatter said, after seating himself, "I'd like you to meet my company," he pointed to the Trundle in the party clothes, "That's the March Troll."
"Hi there," said troll greeted her before whipping out a mustard bottle and squeezing it into his tea then slurping it down. Wait, when did he get mustard? Mustard wasn't even on the table…
The Hatter then shifted over to the rat beside him, more or less sleeping right there on the spot. "And that is the Dormouse," he introduced. The Wonderland take on Twitch came fully awake as his head rose in attention.
"Hey! I'm a Dorat! Rat! Not a mouse! There's a difference!" The Hatter waved him off.
"Yes! Yes! You're a real Professor Ratagan, bla ba bla, big deal!" he then regained his composure in the time frame of a light turning on and turned to Vi, "And, as you probably already guessed, I am the Mad Hatter."
Vi gave a subtle nod. "Yeah, I could tell the moment I walked in…"
"And, you must be Vi!" the March Troll spoke up.
"How'd you know my name?" gasped Vi.
"I know everything, I feel everything!" the troll said, trying to sound mysterious.
"Do you?"
"No!" he howled, "You have it written on your face!"
Vi held a hand up to her face. Sometimes she forgot she had her own two lettered name tattooed on her cheek. The Mad Hatter laughed.
"Oh. Don't feel sorry! It's a very special day! A day of merriment and joy!"
"Why's that?" Vi couldn't resist asking.
"Why, it's my unbirthday! We just finished the age old tradition of singing the song and now we're about to commence the tea drinking!"
"The hell is an unbirthday?" Vi didn't like the sound of it.
"Well," the Mad Hatter put a finger to his chin in thought, "an unbirthday is…well, it's kind of like…a…" he seemed to have lost his train of thought right then and there, "March Troll! Help me out here!"
"An unbirthday!" the troll raised a finger, "An unbirthday is when you have a birthday…but you don't! Everyone has one!"
What kind of sick paradox is this? You have a birthday…but you don't…Dammit, I wish Caitlyn was here, she loves riddles. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't wish she was here.
"So…it's a day that isn't your birthday?" the Enforcer asked.
"Woah, took the words right out of my face!" said the Hatter, "Wait, is today you're birthday, Miss. Pink Haired Outsider?"
Vi shook her head. "No."
The Mad Hatter gasped, "Well then, a very merry unbirthday to you, Miss!" He then wrapped an arm around her.
"…Please don't touch me…"
"Wait a minute!" the March Troll slammed a fist on an unsuspecting spoon and sending it flying upwards…pretty sure it never came down, "It's not my birthday either!" The Hatter then let out an excited squee.
"My goodness! Feed me meat patties and call me Ronald! It's your unbirthday too, March Troll!" The troll then joined his and Vi's embrace, the Enforcer shuffled uncomfortably as she was sandwiched between the two.
"What about you, Dorat?" asked the Hatter, "Is it your unbirthday as well?" The rat once again rose up and paused before speaking.
"Actually," he said with a toothy smile, "It's my birthday today!"
He put his arms up in celebration, expecting a thunderous applause…but none came. What followed was an awkward silence and somewhere off the distance a record scratched.
The grins on the Mad Hatter and March Troll's faces slowly faded into disappointed frowns, both of which rather looked more frightening then there usual smiling faces. They silently dismembered their huddle as Vi breathed a sigh of relief and returned to their seats.
After a couple moments of even more silence, the Hatter reached under his chair and pulled out a conveniently placed clipboard and pen. He scribbled something down while glaring and shaking his head at the Dorat.
"I'm marking you down with a zero for the day."
The Dorat gave a hurtful moan before his head crashed on the table, shaking the chinaware around him slightly. Intervals of snoring soon followed.
"Tsk, tsk," the March Troll shook his head, "Just what we were missing, a wet sandwich." He poured himself another cup of tea…then drank directly from the kettle's spout, draining all the tea from it. If that wasn't enough, he then popped the cup into his mouth like an animal cracker. After chewing and swallowing the ceramic receptacle, he let out a hefty blech.
The Mad Hatter snapped Vi out of her shocked observing with a double spouted pot of tea.
"Care for some tea?" he asked her. Geez, when Shaco spoke politely, he still sounded like he was going to carve jack o' lantern face into your torso.
"Ok…sure," replied Vi. She could only imagine what happened to those who refuse and offer from the jester.
The Hatter poured the tea in front of her, directly onto the table and not in a cup. The drink stained the white cloth an ugly tone of brown. Vi recoiled back to avoid getting any of the hot liquid in her lap.
"Can I get the tea in a cup, please?" she asked, clearly understanding the game that was being played. The Hatter obliged and did just that.
"So…" he said as he finished pouring, "What brings you to my garden? Don't tell me, it's the tea, right? I guess you can say I make a mad cup of tea!" He burst into clown like laughter at his own joke. The March Troll soon followed in a fit of giggles.
"I know!" he held up a stick of butter, "I can't believe it's not butter!" Ok…well, he's in his own little world.
Vi awkwardly sipped her tea, not knowing what to make of anything going on here. She simply decided to cut to the chase.
"I was told that you might know where I could find the white rabbit. Is that true? Have you seen her?" The Hatter gave a knowing nod as he lifted his hat and placed a half full teacup inside.
"I'll save that one for later," he muttered as he stuck his hat back on, "Now, you might want to slow down, what white rabbit are you talking about?"
"A blue haired, crazy eyed one. She's a dangerous criminal…at least I think she is. Now, I think she isn't the exact person I'm looking for anymore. I've been chasing her all day." The Mad Hatter and March Troll gasped at that statement.
"You've been chasing a white rabbit?" half yelled the troll.
"Yeah…" Vi tilted her head.
"Oh no!" shrieked the Hatter, "Don't chase white rabbits! Drugs are terrible!"
"Yeah!" shouted the troll, "Sure, you may feel like a winner at first! But then you metamorphose into a freaky little goblin baby thing with exploding eyes and an unquenchable hunger for funyuns!" The Dorat suddenly came awake again for the shortest time.
"Funyuns give me gas!" That was his contribution to the conversation before he returned to his sleep.
"No, there is really a white rabbit I'm trying to catch." Vi tried to explain.
"That's what they all say…before you see them on the street side offering petty sexual favors for a small fee. I've seen it…actually I haven't but I know one day I will," raved the Hatter.
"Let's hope you don't for your sake," muttered Vi, "Maybe you could tell me about the Queen you have here." Spit takes around the table once again ensued, even the Dorat woke up to take part in the event.
"You're really not from around here, are you?" asked the Hatter.
"I'm thankful for that," said Vi.
"I am too a times…anyway, the Queen…the Red Queen as you would expect is…a queen…and she's red…um…you think you're better than me?"
"She's a total savage!" exclaimed the March Troll, "And I don't mean in the good way."
"You've know her personally?" asked Vi.
"Know her?" laughed the Hatter, "Please, we survived her! We used to work at her palace, you see. We served her tea!"
"No, we didn't!" chimed the troll, "We cleaned the bathrooms!" The Hatter shook his head.
"I clearly remember serving tea." The Dorat's snoring ceased again as he whirred to life.
"We served tea in the bathrooms," he said before returning to dreamland.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh," the Hatter and troll chorused, "That makes sense." No it doesn't…
"What happened?" Vi asked.
"She told us we wasted her time with our tea and that she deserved far better," the Hatter said, "One day she decided to not order tea, but to order our execution…haha, see what I did there?"
"'Off with their heads!' she would yell," said the March Troll, "That's all her life seems to revolve around; off with his head! Off with her head! Off with your head! Off with my head! Don't let the hearts fool you, she's a vessel of hate!"
"We escaped! We ran! We used each other as a living shields! But we made it out alive!" cheered the Hatter, "But our success was short lived, the Queen found us and…oh…oh, no….she subjected us to a fate far more worse than death." The Hatter Shaco then pointed to the side of his house where a clock hung. Its arms were frozen in place at four o'clock.
"Because she claimed she wasted her time, she cursed us with having no time at all. She froze our time directly on the hour of tea time, and so we are forced to endure an endless tea party for all eternity…"
Vi glanced up at the clock then the garden gate.
"You know, you could always just get up and walk away...nothing is really keeping you here," she suggested. Both the troll and Hatter let out a yelp.
"Are you mad? Wait, that's my job. You can't just walk out of a tea party!" the Hatter cried.
"Why?"
"It's rude."
"It's rude?" deadpanned Vi.
"Yes, it's very, very rude," chimed the March Troll in agreement.
"Ok, sure…" Vi could care less about their decision to never leave their yard. She's also willing to bet that perhaps the Queen had her guards take the battery out of the clock and just say that they used magical powers to stop time.
"You know, speaking of the Queen, we had a song we always used to sing to her…and she hated it she threatened to castrate us if we ever sung it in her presence, but we still sing it anyway," said the Mad Hatter.
"Oh! Is it the one I think you're thinking about?" eagerly asked the March Troll. The Hatter nodded.
"Yes, sir! And it goes a little something like this."
The same disfigurements that were their singing voices once again invaded the air. The Dorat even took part in this song all the way through.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea tray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
This went on for numerous times until Vi slammed her fist on the table, seeing how they were in a trance like state as they sung and needed to be snapped out of it.
"Ok, I get it. It's like the whole 'I know song that gets on everybody's nerve' thing." Vi shuddered at it, she remembered the time when Annie and Lulu learned that song…never had so many champions wanted to leave the Rift that badly.
"It's the kind of tune you must be singing in order to get any enjoyment from," explained the Hatter.
"Since you worked at the Queen's place, do you think you could tell me how to get there? If I can't find Ji-The White Rabbit, then maybe she'll know how to get out of this place." Vi said.
"I will, but first, you must answer my riddle," the Hatter said in a sing-song voice.
"No, just tell me where to go."
"Please answer the riddle."
"No."
"Please?"
"Nope."
"Pretty please?"
"No, stop it."
"I'll be your best friend."
"Stop asking."
"Going to ask you it anyway."
"Don't even."
"I'm going to do it."
"Don't."
"Here it is…"
"Better not."
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"
"What kind of a riddle is that? What's the answer supposed to be?"
"I don't know." The Hatter shrugged. Vi was ready to go down that road.
"Why ask me a riddle if you don't know the answer?"
"You tell me."
"Because you and you're friends are out of your minds?"
"…Sorry, I got lost in your eyes. What was that?"
"…Never mind." Vi gave up and took one last swig from her cup. Before throwing it to the ground and crushing it with her boot.
"Mazel Tov!" yelled the March Troll, observing her.
Vi got up from her seat, about ready to leave. And like most of her encounters, this one gave her absolutely nothing to work with. She'll have to try to find the Queen (or Jinx, but now that seemed unlikely) and get out of here. Before exiting the garden gate she turned around and faced the Hatter and company as they waved her farewell.
"Give yourselves a round of applause, you've done nothing but waste my time!" she said to them.
"We couldn't really do that since time doesn't exist here, little lady." The Mad Hatter motioned to the clock with the stuck hands, "Also be honest, the tea was good, right?"
"I…" Vi's tone slowly decreased in volume, "It was actually kind of good….thanks, I guess." The Hatter Shaco smiled.
"You're very welcome," he waved, "Now, on your way."
Vi left the garden, slamming the gate behind her (probably not out of anger, but more for the dramatic effect). The forest road greeted her with open arms, though she had grown to hate the damn thing for seeing it so much. The road continued past the house, it seemed to beckon to her as if Wonderland was saying 'I'm not done with you yet'. Shrugging her shoulders, Vi ventured off. The only thing keeping her going was the thought of getting back to the Rift and seeing her friends again. Caitlyn and Jayce must be looking for her by now.
Of course, after a brisk short walk, the path finally ended. The final destination; a wooden circular door inside a gigantic hedge wall that stretched endlessly from left to right. A red insignia was crudely painted on the wood; a heart with a caption under it reading; Garden of the Red Queen.