Chapter 5: Realisations

"But I didn't," muttered Harry. He said it aloud to try and ease the dead weight of guilt inside him: a confession must surely relieve some of the terrible pressure squeezing his heart. "I didn't bother, I could've stopped myself having those dreams, Hermione kept telling me to do it, if I had he'd never have been able to show me where to go, and - Sirius wouldn't - Sirius wouldn't-"

"Sirius… dead…"

"No, no, I'm not dead, Harry. I'm fine, I'm right here."

"Dead… my fault… all my fault." Harry moaned miserably.

"No, it isn't your fault."

A week had passed since the Ministry fiasco and Harry was showing no sign of awakening. Each day he would alternate between long periods of unnatural stillness and sudden bursts of grief-filled yells that cut to the heart of anyone witnessing them. Between these two extremes, there were also the hollow-sounding murmurs, devoid of hope or joy, much like those Sirius was now hearing.

"Should have… should have learned Occlumency… wouldn't be dead…"

"Calm down, Harry. It's okay, I just need you to wake up… then you'll see I'm fine."

"Don't want… alone again… please, no."

"I'm here, you'll never have to be alone again." Sirius murmured softly. He wasn't sure how effective his words were, but kept up the gentle assurances regardless, if there was the tiniest chance it would help Harry he'd gladly do it for as long as it took.

"How is he?"

Looking up, Sirius wasn't surprised to see Molly Weasley standing at the foot of the bed, eyes fixated on Harry. Only Ron and Hermione had visited more often than her, dropping by at least five times a day for hours at a time. Sirius himself could hardly count as a visitor, having as good as moved in to the Hospital Wing.

"I don't know," Sirius said wearily, "I'd hoped that he was improving… because he hadn't been thrashing around and yelling… but Madam Pomfrey says his reflexes have dulled considerably… she thinks that he has completely exhausted himself and can't manage the violent outbursts any longer.

"No… no! Not Sirius! Please, not Sirius!" Harry pleaded desperately as he weakly struggled against his godfather's arms, "Can't be dead… no!" A single tear slipped down his cheek.

Wiping it away with his sleeve, Sirius tightened his grip and rubbed Harry's upper arm comfortingly. "It's okay, Harry. I'm here. You need to wake up." His voice was shaking with suppressed emotion.

During several minutes of silence, Molly watched the interaction with tearful eyes. "I was wrong about you," she suddenly spoke up. "You are what's best for Harry."

Sparing her a glance, Sirius was shocked to see acceptance and - was that a hint of admiration – in her eyes.

"Arthur and I… we've known Harry for five years and not once has he come to us for help or comfort. You've been good for him… he trusts you completely and, judging from his obvious distress this past week, cares about you greatly. I'm sorry it took me so long to see. In the future, I won't be so quick to question how you decide to raise him."

"Thank you." Sirius said sincerely. "And thank you for looking out for him when I couldn't."

Molly gave him a small smile. "We were glad to do it, he's a wonderful child, so caring... but always so quick to risk his life to save others... I just wish that he didn't have to endure so much pain, so much hardship…"

"Don't we all."

"Sirius." said Harry weakly, moving around restlessly.

Sirius heaved a great sigh. "Why do I have the feeling this is only the beginning?"

"He'll get through it; think of what he's lived through so far."

Grimacing, Sirius replied, "I'd rather not, I'm liable to have a heart attack – and I'm convinced I don't even know half of it!"

There was a moment's pause, then, "I'm taking Ron, Hermione and Ginny home, it'll do them good to be somewhere else for a while. I'll bring them in for visits every couple of days."

Sirius nodded, "Would you ask Ron and Hermione to keep Neville and Luna updated? I'm sure they'd appreciate it."

Molly gave him a motherly pat on the hand. "Of course. You look after yourself, you hear? You won't do Harry any good if you don't eat and sleep properly," she finished, sounding a bit stern.

"I'll keep that in mind," he replied with a wry smile as he watched her leave. Turning back to Harry he whispered, "You can do it, Harry. I know you can. Just keep fighting, I'll be here when you wake up."

"Professor Snape requested that Sirius remain behind, as he needed somebody to remain at Headquarters to tell me what had happened, for I was due there at any moment. In the meantime Professor Snape intended to search the Forest for you. But Sirius did not wish to remain behind while the others went to search for you. He delegated to Kreacher the task of telling me what had happened. And so it was that when I arrived in Grimmauld Place shortly after they had all left for the Ministry, it was the elf who told me - laughing fit to burst - where Sirius had gone.

"He was laughing?" said Harry in a hollow voice.

"Oh, yes," said Dumbledore. "You see, Kreacher was not able to betray us totally. He is not Secret Keeper for the Order, he could not give the Malfoys our whereabouts, or tell them any of the Order's confidential plans that he had been forbidden to reveal. He was bound by the enchantments of his kind, which is to say that he could not disobey a direct order from his master, Sirius. But he gave Narcissa information of the sort that is very valuable to Voldemort, yet must have seemed much too trivial for Sirius to think of banning him from repeating it."

"Like what?" said Harry dully.

"Like the fact that the person Sirius cared most about in the world was you," said Dumbledore quietly. "Like the fact that you were coming to regard Sirius as a mixture of father and brother. Voldemort knew already, of course, that Sirius was in the Order, and that you knew where he was - but Kreacher's information made him realize that the one person for whom you would go to any lengths to rescue was Sirius Black."