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Chapter 12 - Despair

"Is she gone?" I whispered as silently as I could, making sure that the only one who could hear me would be Nori. Even though I didn't see that woman with the face of my mother as my real mum, I still didn't want to hurt her.

"Yes. It's only me here." I heard the calm reply and I sighed in relief. Even though Nori was also different from who he used to be, here I had at least a chance that there was something from his former self left. After all, I knew him 500 years ago, and the world changed only after that.

I reached for the lever to unlock the door, but stayed on the ground. I had no idea what Naraku did to me, but I've never felt this sick in my whole life.

When he touched me earlier, I felt as if his touch would tear my skin apart. My heart started to beat so fast that I couldn't even follow the rhythm anymore. When he touched my chest, I felt as if he really tore something straight out of me and I almost couldn't breath. At that moment the only thing I wanted to do was to cry for help, but even if I wasn't afraid of his reaction to that, I couldn't make a single sound.

After Naraku left, I was still too shocked to do anything, but instead of getting better, I started to feel even worse than in his presence, if that was possible at all. I thought I would start to vomit, so I quickly ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. In the end, it didn't come to that, so I just stayed sitting on the ground and hoped the sickness would go away soon.

Soon after I unlocked the door, it started to open and Nori stepped in. My breathing was slowly returning to normal, but when I saw him, it brought a few tears to my eyes. Each passing day I found it more and more difficult to pretend that everything around me was how it should be and after Naraku's visit today, I was pretty certain that I wouldn't be able to keep this up much longer.

Maybe I would be able to deal with it better, if I just didn't have to meet all those familiar faces around me. First with Sesshoumaru and now even Naraku, the only thing I started to think about was: Who will be next?

The faces of my other friends started to appear in my mind and it only brought me deeper in my misery. Miroku. Sango. I just hoped they had happy life together. They were human, so I wasn't expecting to see them in this time, but what about the others? Shippo. Inuyasha. Kouga. Them and many others whom I met back then and who had demonic blood running through their veins. They could have survived until now. Could I really encounter them here at some point? If I did, in what state would I find them? Would they remember me or have they forgotten, just like Sesshoumaru? Would I be able to hold back if it came to it? Would I be able to pretend that everything is alright, or help them somehow without raising suspicion?

From the way Naraku looked at me before, I was pretty sure he recognized me. Did he see through my act, or does he think that I don't remember him or anyone else? Either way I was almost certain he would kill me on the spot, but he did nothing like that. He did something to me though, but he didn't kill me. Was he just testing me? Was he playing with me? I couldn't tell and I couldn't stand it any longer!

I threw myself at Nori, who in the meantime bent down to me, and buried my face into his shoulder, crying uncontrollably I faintly noticed as he picked me up and carried me to my bed, but even when he put me down, I refused to let go of him and forced him to stay with me. I didn't want to let go of the last bit of my reality, even though it wasn't entirely true. I just didn't want to be alone and he was, at the moment, the only person I could trust.

After a while I managed to calm down and the nausea had faded completely. I was still wondering what exactly caused that sickness in the first place, but couldn't come up with anything, and even though I was feeling better, I was still holding onto Nori as if my life depended on it.

I was glad that he didn't protest about my actions. When I thought about it, this wasn't surprising at all considering our current relationship. On the other hand, it was also very strange, compared to how things used to be.

I couldn't help but try to imagine what it would be like if we were in our current position back in the past. If it wasn't so sad and scary, I would probably have to laugh at it. For the first time since he carried me to the bed, I raised my head to look at him and again saw just that blank look he was keeping all the time on his scarred face.

What was I thinking? This person had nothing in common with Sesshoumaru how I knew him. No matter what I told to myself, Sesshoumaru and Nori were two completely different people. No matter how much did they look alike and that they might have once been the same, it wasn't true anymore.

Even if he had his memories now, I knew he wouldn't be the same. Too many things happened, and everyone changes in the flow of time. Especially with the occurrences as they were. Just what did Naraku do that it led to this? Moreover, what did he do to me a while ago? I wanted answers. I needed answers. Unfortunately, there was no one who could give them to me.

As I was thinking I noticed a flutter of small wings from behind the window. I focused on that movement and had to keep my eyes from widening in surprise.

Seems that I'm not the only one who wants answers.

I peered secretly at the poisonous insect about which I was sure was sent here by Naraku. I've never heard anything about these wasps from anyone in this time, which led me to the conclusion that no one knew about them or how they were connected to Naraku. All I knew was that I had to get rid of the creature without raising suspicion.

"Kyaaaaaa!" I yelled, looking straight at it and pointing my trembling finger at it. I wasn't scared of the Saimyosho. I've encountered it in the past often enough to know what to expect from it, but if I didn't know what it was, I knew that I would most likely freak out similarly to what I was just performing.

"Kill that! Quickly!" I said to Nori, still pointing at the insect, which was already turning to leave, but Nori was faster and killed it in one blow. When it was dead, I sighed in relief, but I knew it wasn't the end yet. It was just for a short moment, but I was sure I saw another one hiding out of the view. At first I thought that I would just get rid of it like with the first one, but then I thought about a better plan.

I came up to Nori and with trembling hands took his into mine, preventing him from moving for the while. I looked into his eyes and with fear in my voice I started to talk to him, loudly enough so even our uninvited guest would hear.

"If you ever see such a thing again, I want you to kill it on sight, do you understand?" He nodded and then averted his eyes towards the window for a second. I knew he was trying to detect the second overgrown wasp, but me holding his hands prevented him from doing anything. I didn't mind this short action and continued.

"Good. I really hate bugs. I wonder what that was. It was too big even for a bumblebee. I didn't know something this big even existed!" I said with a trembling and panicked voice. When the second insect flew far out of my sight, I sighed and sat down on my bed again.

Naraku was spying on me and it really distressed me. I would have to be twice as careful than I was now. Even a small mistake could give me away, and since I was already sure that he recognized me, I didn't even want to think about what would he do if he knew that I remember him from the past.

"May I ask a question?" Nori suddenly spoke up and I looked at him, partly surprised and partly glad that he distracted me from those unpleasant thoughts.

"Sure." I told him with smile, trying to appear as kind as possible. I wanted him to trust me. I wanted him to open up to me. I needed someone with whom I could talk freely. He was my biggest chance right now, but I didn't want these talks if we didn't trust each other completely. I didn't want these talks to be supported only by the relationship of the master and the slave.

"You knew about the other one, yet even considering your order, you prevented me from killing it. Why?" He asked and my smile faded a bit. If he remembered, he would guess it, but if he didn't know anything, he probably wouldn't ask at all. I was so torn about everything and I wasn't sure what to say, or rather, how much details should I say.

"So the one who sent them would know about the order I gave you and wouldn't think that you're acting on your own." I decided to say in the end and he actually looked surprised by that answer for a second.

"Slaves are always acting only according to their master's orders, why should that person think otherwise?" He asked again and I chuckled dryly.

"Well, I'm afraid that that person is looking at us two a bit differently." I saw his questioning look and sighed.

"Never mind that." I told him and laid on the bed facing away from him. Maybe it was time to go check the well again. Of course, deep inside my mind I knew it would be a futile attempt, but these occasional tries to get through was the only thing which prevented me from going insane. This faith that one day it would actually work helped me to keep going. Whenever I jumped in and nothing happened, I was always pretty disappointed, but at the same time, I told to myself: Maybe next time. Next time it might actually work.

When I felt as if I couldn't go on any longer, I would just go and try it again and right now I felt that it was the time. If just Sesshoumaru remembered who he was. If just Naraku didn't come. If I just never left the past and stayed there with the others, maybe I would be able to prevent all this from happening. If we all were together, I was sure we could!

With these thoughts I slowly drifted into sleep, only to wake up in the middle of the night. I looked around myself to see that there was no one else here. I wondered where did Nori go, but then thought it was better he wasn't here and slowly stood up. This was probably the best time for me to go to the well house.

Quickly, but silently, I made my way to my destination. I couldn't let anyone to know that I was coming here at all. Everyone knew this place as the one where I hurt myself and lost my memories. If they knew about my actions, I was pretty sure they would freak out and I wouldn't hear the end of it.

When I descended the stairs leading to the well, I paused for a while, just looking down there into the darkness inside. It was really quite a distance from the top to the bottom and I never really thought about it before. Not as long as it was working as a pathway for me. Now though, it seemed really deep and I was even getting scared of actually jumping in.

However, I needed to make sure. I wanted to see my friends, knowing that with them I might be able to set things right, and I would be restless until I would confirm if the well works or not. Since I was already here, it would be stupid to back away, so I slowly climbed onto the rim of the well and once again looked down. I closed my eyes and slid into the well.

I landed on the soft ground at the bottom like many times before, the weight of my body actually forcing me into a sitting position, but I never hurt myself. I didn't know why, but I definitely didn't complain. If I hurt myself, it would mean explanations to my family. Even after so many times trying this, I still didn't come up with something believable.

I slowly raised my head to look up and then opened my eyes. Unconsciously, tears started to run down my cheeks when I confirmed that I was still in the well house, the dark roof of the building glaring at me like an evil being. The darkness was almost immediately pierced by something white and my brain slowly processed that Nori landed beside me with concern on his face.

"What happened? Are you hurt?" He asked, undoubtedly noticing my tears, not to mention the place I was in. I was in a daze, everything around me seemed to slow down. This place, this reality, it was slowly killing me from the inside and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't talk with anyone about it. If at least Sesshoumaru was here, truly here, not just this poor substitute of him.

I turned at him and just watched him for a while.

If I could just make him remember somehow, but how can I do that when he doesn't trust me?

With anyone else, if Nori showed that he remembered something, he would be in trouble, how could I prove him that I was different? I saw him kneeling beside me, obviously worried about me, but he wouldn't do anything without my consent. It was irritating, but on the other hand, maybe that might be the solution for my problem as well.

"Say," I started numbly, "you have to obey any order I give you, right? Even if it wasn't really in your powers to do it. Even if it wouldn't really depend on your will, you would still have to at least try, even if it meant that you would die in the process, you would have to, right?" I looked straight into his eyes and he nodded.

"That's correct." He stated and I took a deep breath. I didn't know if it would work, and maybe I really could have just make the things worse, but at the moment, I just didn't see any other way. It was a shot in the dark, but it was worth taking.

"If it's so, then I order you to remember! Remember everything!"