CHAPTER THIRTY:
February 21, 1986
Dear Melissa,
It was a dark August morning when you came to me in our living room, sat down near the edge of my seat, interrupted me while I was playing my guitar, and told me that what you are about to confide should be kept between us. I nodded reluctantly, knowing by the look in your eyes that the "secret" you are going to tell me would once more rock the boat of our family's challenging history.
If you remember quite correctly, that was the moment you told me that you were in love with Richard and that you are pregnant with his child.
That tore Bill up - in a good way. I remember fondly how he wanted the wedding preparations to be finished by October, before you start showing. It was chaotic: all the preparations, the way you glowed and giggled with Richard when you thought that Charles and I weren't looking … somehow, I was envious. I also wanted to fall in love.
But my heart was nothing more of a hollow mass - its sole purpose was to keep me existing. You know what I have gone through, Melissa. As much as I want to deny the reality of it like you did, I cannot. It happened to me. Not to you or to Bill or to Charles. It happened to ME.
I felt old; I felt unworthy of life and love. I told myself that there's no hope in the world that I'll ever fall irrevocably in love. I'll die an old maid and I'll stay this way as my own damn companion. I'll love myself and mend the pain and I'll do this all by myself.
I thought I could find this and more here in America. I thought I could dance my heart out and live my own life, be all fire so that I can push others away because I believed that didn't need anyone else.
I'm a big girl … I could admit that I was wrong.
Of all the places I could've met him, of all the moments I could've deserved this moment, - God, it was here, in America. Suddenly, it is as if my life had taken a complete one hundred eighty degree turn and here I am, in love.
God's finally taking something back.
Mulder is my youth, fire, and bravado. He's a savior - the salvation from the heap that I was. I have kept my feelings for him from you to stop you from misjudging this man. I know you'd think that he'll only use me; that he doesn't even love me and he's only doing this for our movie … but whenever I look into his hazel eyes, I see the truth in his words and I know that he does love me, Melissa. I see everything in his eyes.
Life's too good right now. The past few days had been like heaven: drifting in and out of clouds and dancing out in the rain, relishing in the feel of each other, laughing and kissing, being just our normal selves and happy to be silly with each other.
It's too damn good. I'm almost afraid that the Lord would suddenly decide to give me something again. He's like that with me, you know- He takes and He gives.
I'm afraid that this time around, He might finally get the math right and He might take the person I hold most precious to me. Then, He'll stop giving. Or taking. Like He did with you and Richard.
Give my love to Bill, Charles, your baby, and Nana.
Mama dodi fi hwn donio. Ergyd fi ycusan trwy y Gogleddol Gwynt ac hi ewyllys derbyn ef.
Signed,
Dana
END OF CHAPTER THIRTY