Chapter contains a homosexual incestual relationship and sexual content between two women. If you don't like it, don't read it.
Rating: M
Summary: What happens when she gets her wish and Tegan finds herself in an alternate reality where Sara is her girlfriend, and not her sister? Will be a LONG fic, updated often.
A/N: Yay for quick updates. Was gonna wait to sync this with a super special surprise but I can't wait any longer. The surprise'll have to wait until the next chapter!
Read. Enjoy. Review.
Chapter 42: Fishies of All Kinds
Sara's POV
"I'm Pregnant" Tegan said, tears in her eyes as she broke down.
My heart lit on fire and my arms tightened around her.
"Oh my god! Baby, that's good news!" I said, an obvious elation in my voice.
She shook her head and pushed her face further into me. I kissed her temple and rubbed down her back.
"Tegan, what's wrong? I don't understand, love" I whispered.
She sniffled and sat up, kissing the sleeping Dani's head.
"I can't do it, Sara. I don't…I don't want it" she blubbered, her bottom lip quivering.
She turned away, unable to look me in the eye. No doubt fearful of the reaction I was giving right now.
"What do you mean you don't want it?" I said sternly, half unbelieving what I'd heard.
I let go of her and stood up, taking Dani from her. She wrapped her arms around herself as I quickly walked Dani to her room, putting her in her crib and closing the door. She didn't need to wake up and hear this conversation. Walking back into the living room, I saw Tegan curled up on the couch in a fetal position, hiding her face from me. I sighed and sat down next to her.
"I'm sorry I reacted like that. Let's calm you down and talk about this" I said, taking a deep breath and pulling her into my arms.
I felt her nod and settle in. I was so angry with what she was implying but we were going to get nowhere if I just yell at her. I don't want to do that either. She's in so much pain about this and I have no idea why. I took another deep breath and kissed her forehead, rubbing her back.
"I'm here, Tegan. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I love you" I whisper to her, pushing the idea she suggested out of my mind.
I can't think about that right now, or I'm going to lose my shit. I look over at the stove and see that it's still on.
"baby, I'm just gonna go turn the things off in the kitchen. Go curl up in our bed" I instruct and she nods.
She lethargically stands up and walks towards our bedroom as I move to the kitchen and quickly turn off the stove and oven, plating up the food that was done and mashing the potatoes quickly. I put Dani's in the baby bullet and pureed it, covering it and putting it in the fridge for later as I carried our plates and two bottles of water into our bedroom. I almost ran into Tegan who was standing in the doorway, staring at our room in disbelief.
"Tegan?" I asked, then saw beyond her to the room.
It was completely destroyed. I gulped and nodded, then turned to her "How about we get out of here for a few days?" I ask "I'll grab Dani and we'll take dinner on the boat and sail away from the world."
She just nodded slowly as I put the plates down on my dresser, pulling her to me. I kissed her cheek.
"I have no idea what's going on inside of your head love, but we're going to get through this" I whisper to her. "We'll get dinner in you and you can fall asleep wrapped up in my arms, and we'll talk about this over a sea mist brunch" I tell her. "What does mom always tell us?"
"Make no big life decisions until you've slept on it" she whispers.
I nod "And you might have already, but I haven't. Let's get you in bed" I say, rubbing her arm.
I direct Tegan back through the kitchen and out the back door. We get to the dock and I get us onto the boat, unlocking the cabin and getting her into bed. I pull the blankets up on her.
"I'll be back in with food and our baby" I promise.
She just nods and takes hold of my pillow. I've never seen her like this in all of our lives. I lean in and kiss her forehead, giving her chest a quick rub before I head back inside. I quickly pack Dani a diaper bag and grab some food out of the fridge before packing my computer and our mobile hot spot. I get our kid out of her crib and sling her against my chest. She's still out cold, letting out tiny little mewls in her sleep.
Once I get everything on board and put Dani in her crib on the boat, I unpack the food and turn on the power, putting stuff in the fridge before I unpack our dinner. I walk into the cabin and kick off my shoes, sliding into bed with Tegan.
"come on love, sit up so you can eat" I suggest.
She goes to protest, but I cut her off "You need to eat. We haven't had anything of substance all day" I whisper.
Tegan nods and takes to Tupperware container as I uncap her a bottle of water and place it on her small nightstand. I lay net to her and get to work on my own food. We eat in silence and she hands me her empty container when she's done, laying down. I set them both aside and kiss her cheek.
"Want me to take your pants off? Let you get comfy?" I ask
Tegan nods and my hands go to unbutton her jeans, sliding them off of her body. I toss them aside and take off each sock, then unsnap her bra and slip it out from under her shirt. I drop a kiss on her shoulder and wrap my arms around her. Tegan turns around and hugs me, shoving her face into my chest once again. I hold her head there and kiss her forehead.
"I love you, Tegan. Sleep love. Don't worry about anything, just sleep" I whisper.
I sing her I Was Married and lazily rub down her back, kissing her head ocassionally. Tegan, what are we going to do?
I started to feel her breathing deepen and even out. She's asleep. I lay with her until Dani starts to fuss. I kiss her forehead and slowly get up, walking to our little one and picking her up out of the crib. I kiss her head and she looks up at me with those big, hazel eyes. I smile down at her and carry her out onto the deck, closing the door to the cabin. I can't help the tears escape my eyes.
Mama. No cwy.
I smiled "Happy tears Dani. I love you so much" I whisper and kiss her, feeling her tiny arms around my neck.
Wuv Mama. Mama wet.
I smiled and patted her bum "Let's get you changed. How about some boobie noms after?" I ask
Boobie noms.
I smile and lay out a towel on the deck, laying her down on it. I grab the diaper bag and go to work changing her diaper.
Mama, yights.
"Those are stars Dani. They're big, balls of gas up in space. They're so far away that it takes the light so long to reach us that most of them don't even exist anymore" I explain.
I look down and know she didn't understand, but the look of amazement and the smile creeping over her face strikes a chord inside of me. I finish changing her diaper and keep watching her eyes wander the sky, drinking it all in. I lay down next to her and look up at the sky, seeing her little arms and legs kick and shake excitedly.
"One day when you're bigger, we'll get you a telescope and you can see the stars close up" I whisper to her.
Staws. Mama…
She starts to whine now.
"I know baby, your tummy's grumbly. You can keep looking at the stars while you eat" I tell her "How about we start with the dinner mommy made?" I ask
Mommy. Mommy.
"Mommy's sleeping honey" I tell her as I scoop her up and go to the kitchen.
She's still peeking out of the window to look at the stars. I give her a kiss as I grab her pureed dinner. I walk her out to the deck and sit on one of the benches along the edges of the bow. Sitting Dani on my lap, I open the container and take a spoonful, putting it to her lips.
Mmmmm.
I smile as she opens "Mommy's a really good cook, eh?" I note.
She smiles and takse the full spoonful into her mouth, gripping my free hand and playing with my fingers. She starts to twirl my wedding ring around my finger and I smile. She's so special. I've never seen a kid so keen on human interaction. She likes toys but she'd rather play with a hand or hair. She loves to snuggle, which I can tell you that neither Tegan or I complain about. And she loves her sleep and noms. Emy says it's what helps her grow so fast. She's 6 months, but is the size of an 8 month old. She's off the charts smart too.
I feed her another big spoonful and she claps, kicking her legs in excitement.
"Mmmm" she coos out loud.
I smile. It's always nice to hear her voice out loud.
"That's my good girl. You're such a good eater, Dan" I praise, kissing her head as I spoon up another bite of the food.
She slurps it down and giggles. Cocoli!
I laugh, making her laugh at me. I lean in and kiss each of her cheeks, feeling her hands on either side of my face, holding me as she plants a sloppy baby kiss on my lips. I giggle and she squeezes my nose, making me snort. She bursts out in a fit of giggles. I laugh harder and she does it again. We keep giggling until my stomach hurts and I give her nose a kiss, feeding her the last bit. She swallows as I start taking off my shirt.
Mama noms.
I nod "Come here you" I whisper, wiping her face with a washcloth, as I cradle her and bring her to my breast.
She holds it gently, tapping it as she latches on and continues her meal. I sigh and sit back. I love breastfeeding. I pat her bum softly and run my fingers through her soft chestnut hair. My mind wanders. I want Tegan to feel this, feel what it's like to have this connection to our child. Feel the serenity of it. But I want to respect her body and her wishes as well. It's not my body. But the idea of…
Dani's fist collided with the tender tissue of my breast and I snapped out of it.
"Ouch! That hurt me, Dani" I voiced, taking the tiny fist in my hand and kissing it.
She started to fuss, beginning a whine.
"It's okay baby, be careful with those fists" I explain, patting her bum.
She calms, closing her eyes and snuggling into my arms as she ate. I can feel her start to drift, and a few minutes later she pops off and burps, cooing happily. I smile and kiss her, laying her head on my shoulder as she nuzzles into my neck. I rock her.
"I love you so much Dani" I whisper to her, kissing her cheek.
She's already asleep against me. I sit with her in my arm, staring up at the sky. My daughter. My baby girl. It still sometimes seemed so unreal that I had a kid. That I had a kid with Tegan. I smile and stare out into the night, the breeze cascading over us. It was a gorgeous summer night. Eventually I brought Dani into the cabin and laid her in her crib, walking back out and starting up the boat. I undocked us, and set us off to sea. I made sure to text Emy, letting her know we were gone and flipping on the boat's GPS tracker just in case.
I drove until we were in a small bay along the coast, completely secluded and still. I cut the engine, tossed down the anchor, and walked into the cabin, shedding my pants and bra, trading them for the bed. I pulled my sleeping wife into my arms and looked over at our daughter's crib. She was sound asleep. Snuggling into Tegan, I let myself unwind from a long day. A few deep breaths and I joined my family in sleep.
I woke up to Tegan still fast asleep in my arms. A moment later, Dani started to wake up with a yawn. I heard her stir and get to her hands and knees in her crib, slowly pulling herself up to a standing position with the help of the bars. I smiled and got up.
Mommy! Mama! Up!
I walked over "Look at you! You're standing up! Tegan! Tegan, wake up!" I called out.
I heard my wife groan and slowly sit up "Sara?"
"Tegan, look at her. She's standing" I expressed excitedly.
Tegan was to her feet and over to us in a moment "Dani! You're standing up!" she cooed.
Dani giggled and bounced before getting picked up by her mommy and twirled around, her face showered with kisses.
"That's my big girl!" Tegan exclaimed.
I smiled as I watched them both giggle then Dani leaned into Tegan.
Mommy snuggow!
Tegan's face lit up and she rubbed Dani's back "Of course munchkin."
I smiled at her and she beamed back at me. "Morning" she said.
"Good morning babe" I replied, walking over and kissing her cheek softly.
She went in again, giving me a soft, melting kiss on the lips. I practically became jell-o. She broke it off and walked over to the bed, laying Dani on her chest and kissing her head. I walked over and laid with them, turning to Tegan.
"Better?" I asked.
She took a deep breath and nodded "We've got lots to talk about."
I nodded and kissed her cheek, rubbing Dani's legs softly "We do. But right now all we've got to do is snuggle" I said, wrapping my arm around her.
Tegan moved into me and I sighed happily. It was good to have her back. Dani got onto her knees and crawled over Tegan, onto the bed. She sat down and looked over at us.
Mommy. Mama. Staws.
Tegan looked confused and I chuckled "No honey, the stars only come out at night, when it's dark." I turned to Tegan "We sat out on the deck last night for dinner and did some stargazing."
Dani pouted and Tegan nodded. "Look at that pout. Dani, if I could, I'd make it night just so you could see the stars" Tegan promised.
Dani's bottom lip quivered as she crawled over to us and hugged Tegan. It was the most precious thing I'd ever seen. Tegan kissed her and rubbed her back.
"Oh baby girl, I'm sorry. Maybe Mama can find you some pictures of stars on the computer" she cooed, looking at me.
I smiled and kissed Dani's head "After breakfast" I promised.
Tegan nodded and took a hold of her "Tegan, I can take her if you want some more sleep" I offered.
She shook her head "I'm hungry too. Besides, Dani, how do you feel about catching some fishies for breakfast?"
Dani looked up at her, her face lighting up. Fishies?
I laughed and Tegan nodded standing up. "Mommy will teach you how to catch fishes. They're super nummy when they're fresh" Tegan told her.
Dani nodded and sniffled, wiping her face on Tegan's shoulder. I smiled "I guess I'll start on the batter and get some sauce cooking"
The baby giggled and tapped Tegan's chest with her open palms, making my partner chuckle and kiss her head. I leaned over and kissed her "Be careful" I reminded her.
"We will, worry wart" she teased.
She carried Dani out to the deck, then sat her on a towel as she got a fishing pole out. I watched Dani crawl over to her and pull herself up to her feet using the bench. God, she's gonna be walking soon. I started pulling ingredients and looked up to see Tegan handing Dani the lure. Dani played with it, giggling at the jelly feel. Tegan took it back and put it on the line, then set Dani back down, handing her a toy pole. Dani giggled and watched my wife cast out, waving the plastic pole in her own tiny arms.
"Babababa buddy boody gahhhh" she spoke excitedly out loud.
I started mixing the batter up as my partner laughed. With the line safely in the water, she set the pole in its holder and picked Dani up, sitting her on her knee as she propped a foot up on the bench, letting our daughter see over the edge of the boat and into the water.
"Oh, Dan, I think we got a bite" Tegan said.
Fishie!
Tegan set her down and reeled it in "Sare, got a bucket?" she called out.
I chuckled and quickly headed out "catch one already, have you?" I asked
She nodded as I leaned overboard a the swim steps, filling the bucket. I put it on the deck and Dani screeched excitedly as Tegan pulled the flapping fish out of the water. Dani looked into the bucket curiously.
"Back up you silly goose, Mommy has to put the fishie in there" I tell her, chuckling and pulling her back.
Dani giggles and rocks forward to crawl back to the bucket "Okay Dan, Mama'll help" I tell her.
I take hold of her hands and help her stand up so she can see in the bucket. Tegan plops the fish in and she giggles, bouncing. I love family moments like this with her.
Tegan caught three more fish and I cooked them up in some beer batter with a cream sauce for breakfast. Dani was delighted by the swimming fish and watched carefully as we cooked them. I made Tegan some oatmeal and cut up Dani's fish into tiny little pieces, adding some fruit.
We sat down and I looked at the fish and at Tegan "Babe, can you eat this? Isn't it bad for um…"
Tegan dropped her head and shook her head "It's fine. It's cod and young" she whispered, pushing her oatmeal aside and spearing a piece of fish.
I nodded "Okay, love. Thanks for catching it" I tell her.
She nods and I look at Dani "Did you have fun with the fishies?" I ask
She giggles Fishies! Fishy in my tummy!
I chuckle and nod as I blow on her fish, making sure it's cool before putting the plate in front of her. Tegan and I both keep a watchful eye on her. She'd just started solids not long ago and this is the first time she won't be eating something mushy. I take a bite and watch her pick a piece up, squishing it between her fingers before putting it in her mouth. Her eyes go wide in delight, no doubt by the texture. She giggles and sucks on it.
"Is that num?" Tegan asks, somewhat distraught now.
I reach across the table and take her hand, causing her to look into my eyes. I smile at her softly and rub the back of her palm. She can't help but smile.
Nom nom nom nom. Fishy!
I smile as I watch her slowly eat the tiny pieces of fish with delight. I sit back and look around me at the mountains surrounding us. The water's so blue. This is perfect. After breakfast, we'll get Dani in the water and tucker her out for a nap so Tegan and I can talk before she wakes up for lunch. I look at Tegan and smile, trying to speak to her with my eyes. I want to make love to you out here, Tegan. She must have gotten the message because I feel her foot hook around my calf and she blushes. Who knew to get twin telepathy all we had to do was get married and have a kid?
I watched as Dani finished her fish, taking the last bite of my own. She picked up the crumbs and stuffed them in her mouth before grabbing a piece of watermelon and starting to suck on it. Her two tiny teeth were useful in her ventures. I looked up at Tegan.
"Family swim after breakfast?" I asked.
She smiled and nodded "Did we bring her floatie?"
I nodded "I packed it in the boat at the beginning of the summer" I smiled at her "We can have grown up swim tonight after bed time."
Tegan smiled "You read my mind" she chuckled "She's doing really well with the chunks"
I smiled and nodded "Our little DanDan is growing up so fast. She'll be walking and talking out loud soon"
"Then she'll be skating, and in school, and then she'll be a teenager and dating" Tegan added, teasing me.
"God Tegan, don't. Too fast. 16 is a long way from 6 months" I joked back with her.
"Mmm, not that much" She countered.
This was a frequent game we played, joking about how old we felt and how soon we'd have to deal with Dani becoming a grown up. Tegan giggled and leaned over, kissing Dani's cheek. Our baby giggled and I leaned in and kissed the other one. Dani kicked her little legs and we backed off, letting her eat. I leaned over the table and kissed my wife.
"I love you" I told her.
"I love you too" she responded "I'll clean up since you cooked."
I smiled at her and she nodded "I'll get the little one in her swimsuit if you blow up the water toys."
Tegan nodded and finished her breakfast, turning and starting on the oatmeal. I bit my bottom lip.
"What? I'm hungry" she said.
I smiled "Oh I'm not complaining. You're sexy when you eat"
Tegan blushed and took another bite.
Done! Dani screamed in our heads as she clapped and giggled. Mama boobie noms?
I laughed and picked her up, kissing her face "Anytime you want, handsome" I tell her.
Tegan smiled at us as I lifted off my shirt and cradled her to my breast. She latched on and let out a tiny hum of delight.
"I still think that's sweet" Tegan said, watching us.
I smiled "It's one of the greatest feelings."
I play with Dani's tiny fingers as she eats and kiss each one. Tegan couldn't stop smiling at us as she ate her oatmeal. She finished before Dani did and got up, clearing the dishes and turning on the stereo, playing some Bruce Springsteen through the boat's sound system. I smiled and Dani started kicking a leg to the beat.
"Oh Tegan, we got a little percussionist over here. Look at this little leg" I say, standing up and turning to face my partner so she can see.
Tegan giggles "Good girl Dani."
I smile and walk over to her, kissing her quickly on my way into the cabin where I dig out our swimsuits. I find Dani's swim diapers and grab one of those, sitting on the bed and letting her finish.
"Wanna go swimming champ? Swim with the fishies" I say in a high pitched voice.
She smiles and taps my breast.
Fishy. Fishy. Fishy. Mama Yum.
I smile as she pops off and lets out a big burp right away. She's already trying to get out of my arms, crawling towards the pillows. I smile and strip down, watching her. She lets herself fall into the pillows, giggling as I pull up my surf trunks.
"You silly duck!" I smile with her, feeling Tegan squeeze by and drop a kiss on my shoulder.
Mommy yook!
Tegan turned to her and she threw herself down again, laughing. Tegan smiled and got her underwear and shirt off, putting on the bikini. Dani kept playing as I stole a glance. She wasn't showing at all. No wonder I hadn't noticed. I wonder how far along she is. I mean, if it was from when I had the cock, she'd for sure have been having morning sickness. She'd be about 3 months in. I would have noticed, wouldn't I? Oh God, has she been doing it alone?
Tegan turns to me, looking at me oddly now fully dressed "You okay?"
I nod "I just went back to the Dani growing up place" I lie.
She knows, but right now it's better to let it slide. She goes to walk out and I stop her.
"Let me put some sunscreen on you, love. You're gonna burn like mad" I tell her.
She nods and grabs the bottle off the shelf, handing it to me. I go to work, carefully lathering it into her skin as my eyes go to Dani, tumbling on the bed into the pillow and amusing herself. I finish working all of the lotion into my wife's back and shoulders and wrap my arms around her, kissing her neck.
"You're so gorgeous" I whisper.
She smiles, her eyes on Dani "So are you, and look at the cutie we created out of our combined good looks."
I smile and look at Dani "She looks just like her Mommy."
Tegan smiles "You're too sweet to me sometimes" she bubbles out.
I smile and turn her in my arms, kissing her softly. She wraps her arms around my neck and slows it right down, and I get a chance to savour the sweetness of her. I revel in it, listening to Dani's giggles and babble in the background. These moments, I swear.
Tegan slowly takes a step back "Meet you in the water. She'll be busier and we can kiss even more."
I smile "That sounds like a deal" I say, spanking her bum.
She walks out and I put my bikini top on before flopping on the bed, taking hold of Dani's legs and making her giggle as I gently pull her towards me. I cover her tummy with kisses.
"Let's get you into a swim diapey so Mama can get more Mommy kisses!" I tell her.
She giggles and sucks on her fist.
Mama Mommy tiss! Bob Mama!
I smile at her and kiss her. Bob was a purple duck Emy bought her and she's recently taken a liking to it. The only person this squirt loved more than Tegan was Emy. It sure made pediatric visits easy. I look around. It would be nice if we lent Emy and Lindsey the boat for a week after they move in. Let them get away before their little one arrived.
Dani took Bob from me and hugged him. Bob!
I chuckled and got her out of her PJs "What sound does Bob make?"
Quck.
"Now try with your mouth, honey" I urge.
She makes a farting noise and bursts into giggles.
"No, that's the sound a bum makes! You silly, silly little one" I laugh, getting her diaper on. "Let's go get your floatie and swim with Mommy."
Mommy! Bob swim?
"No darling, Bob can't swim" I say, kissing her. "Put Bob back in bed."
She drops him back in the crib as I walk her outside, grabbing the sunscreen. Tegan's pulling out the pool noodles and already has two of the blow up chairs blown up. She hands me Dani's floaty. I lay the baby down on the bench and start to lather her in the baby sunscreen.
"The sun's not touching my baby's precious skin! Not today" I joke.
Tegan almost chokes as she laughs. She takes the bottle and starts to slather me as I rub it in on Dani, who starts giggling.
Tickows!
I chuckle "Oh yeah?" I ask
I start to really tickle her, making her giggle. Tegan smiles as I sit her up and get her back and ears, then get the chest and arm float on her. Tegan must have finished my back because the baot rocked and there was a huge splash, followed by Dani laughing and clapping and getting excited.
Mommy Big Spash!
"You want to go in the water with Mommy?" I ask
Swim! Fishy Fishy!
I giggle and pick her up, walking her over to the ladder. Tegan's already treading water there, waiting. Her hair's slicked back.
"It's chilly!" she said.
Dani looked up at me "You'll be okay baby, just let us know if you're too cold" I told her.
She revamped right up, reaching for Tegan. I smiled and grabbed a noddle tossing it to my partner before climbing down the water and slowly lowering Dani into it and passing her over.
Ohhhh. Woww…Wawa!
I giggle and look at the look of amazement on her face as Tegan holds her hands.
"Wanna go under Dan?" Tegan asks.
"Tegan, don't" I say.
"She'll be fine, Sare. The fishies are under"
Undow! Fishies!
I sigh and shrug, going under myself and taking a moment to enjoy the freedom of the ocean. I come up to see Tegan pinching Danis nose and taking hold of her as they went under. They came up right away and Dani was giggling, blinking her eyes while Tegan swept her hair back and out of her face.
AGAIN!
Tegan dunked them again.
We swam until I saw my baby's lips turning blue, then got her out of the water, dry, and into a skin on skin cuddle on the dock, in the sun.
Mow Swim Mama.
"No baby, it's too cold. Do you want a snack?" I ask, kissing her head.
Nana?
I smile and nod as I see Tegan come out of the water with all the toys. She tied them to the hull of the boat.
"Hey Teegs, can you bring us a banana?" I ask, looking up at her as I shielded my eyes from the sun.
She nodded and headed back. She came out just as naked as we were, with a banana in her hand. She took a bite and Dani lost it.
My nana! No Mommy! My Nana!
I bit my lip to keep from laughing and rubbed her back.
"I just took a bite champ, you get the rest of it" Tegan told her.
No! My Nana!
"Dani, you can share one bite of your banana" I told her.
Nooooooo!
She screamed loudly.
"Someone needs a nap" I said, kissing her head.
"Dani, seriously kid. Stop crying to o-o-ocean. Stop crying over ban-ana-nanas. Stop crying over Sha-aaring. Stop crying over Mo-o-om-y." she said, singing the last bit.
Dani thought it was hilarious and moved right out of the tears into giggles as she reached for her snack. I laughed at my wife as she passed along the banana.
"Good one Tee" I praise.
She shrugs as Dani gnaws on the mushy fruit. Tegan slid in behind me and kissed my shoulder, rubbing my arms.
"She warming up?" she asked.
I nodded.
"Good" Tegan stated. "It's gorgeous out here. We should really send Emy and Lindsey here after they move in" she said.
I smiled "I was like literally thinking that exact thing earlier."
"TWINNS!" she exclaimed, hugging me tighter as Dani handed her banana back to her.
Done Mommy. Shawe.
"Thanks baby" she said, taking a bite. "I'll share with Mama."
She offered me the banana and I took a bite as Dani latched onto my breast, taking lazy sucks at the milk. I sighed happily and leaned back into Tegan.
"I'll make us a snack if you put her down" I whisper.
Tegan nods and kisses my cheek as I feel Dani go limp. I pull her up to my face and use a corner of the towel around us to wipe her mouth before kissing her.
"I love you baby girl. Sleep well" I whisper, then pass her to Tegan.
Tegan takes her into the cabin as I turn down the stereo and start to put together a snack. I make sure to fill our water bottles and slice up some fruit, putting it on a plate. I pull some of the cushions on the benches down to the deck, much like we did the night Dani was conceived.
I sat down and put the plate in the middle, resting my back on the bottom of the bench and taking a swig of my water. Tegan closed the cabin door and walked over to me. I patted my lap and she sat in it sideways, letting me support her back by putting a foot up and letting her lean into my bent knee.
"Hi" she said.
"Hi gorgeous" I say back, leaning in and kissing her softly.
"She's fast asleep, snuggled up to Bob" she told me.
I smiled and put a grape to her lips, watching as she opened them and took it into her mouth, sucking my finger on it's exit. I smiled and she let out a giggle.
"So, we need to talk" she told me.
"Yeah. You seem a bit more chipper about it" I tell her.
"I thought you were going to leave me when I said that I didn't want to keep it" she said honestly. "When you didn't, and you just took care of me, well…I feel a lot safer and more comfortable in the situation."
I nodded "I love you, Tegan and I respect that this is your body. My initial reaction was…I was pissed and scared. But thinking about it, it all came down to the fact that our baby is inside of your body and not mine. So this is ultimately your decision. I'm going to be here and support you through it either way. I'm not going to judge you or hate you. But before we make any decisions, let's talk this through."
She nods and kissed me "Thank you. You really are the absolute best partner, Sara."
I smile "I know" I say cockily as she kisses me. I run my hand down her leg and pat her bum "How far along are you?" I ask.
She takes a deep breath and gulps "12 weeks" she whispers.
"Tegan! 3 months? What? How?" I ask, dumbfounded.
She shrugged "I know I should have said something earlier, but I was so scared of how you'd react. Besides, after Dani was born we decided to not have any more. Fuck Sara, I never thought I'd ever have an oopsi-baby! This is fucked on so many levels" she said, that fear coming out.
I sigh and take a breather "Sorry, I just…baby you did morning sickness alone?" I asked "I didn't even notice. I feel like shit right now."
I dropped my head to her shoulder and hug her as she shakes her head.
"I never had morning sickness. I never had any symptoms other than missing my period. I missed it once and didn't even notice, then twice and still didn't think anything of it. Then I went for my physical and Emy clued me in. Don't worry, she's been keeping an eye on me. I've been…meaning to tell you. There was just never the right time."
I close my eyes, feeling relief wash over me "You're okay. You're healthy?" I ask, it being my main concern.
She nodded "Very."
"Thank god. Is this why you broke down after the threat yesterday?" I ask, running my fingers through her hair as I put a blueberry to her lips.
She eats it and nods "it was…I was so confused. Part of me was really worried about the baby. Which doesn't make any sense to me because I've wanted to have an abortion since I found out. Sara, I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to be nauseous and swollen and have my body taken over by another human being. I especially don't want to give birth" she explained.
I nodded "It is a huge commitment, but Tegan I can tell you first hand that it's a wonderful experience" I tell her. "I had a tough time with Dani. You know, you were there. That little nugget wreaked havoc on my body. But I'll tell you what, I was game for everything the moment I felt her flutter inside of me" I whisper, putting my forehead to hers "But I understand. For as long as I remember you've always said you never wanted to be pregnant. I understand, I do. But I will be so sad. None of that's on you, love. But I was so happy when you said that you were pregnant, Tegan. I felt it through my whole body." I gulp and look into our laps, my emotion getting the best of me "I have a feeling he's gonna be a boy."
I feel Tegan flinch "Sara."
"I'm sorry, I just. That's my kid, Tegan. That's my kid in there. That's Dani's brother" I whisper, the tears flowing.
She hugs me "I know. I wish I could give you this, Sara. I do. But, I just can't. I feel disgusting."
"Tegan, I want to be there" I say, breathing through shaky exhales, holding her tightly to me. "I want to be there when you get it done."
Tegan nods against my shoulder "I'm gonna need you to hold my hand" she whispers.
I can't help it, I start to cry harder, sobbing into her and hugging her close. I can't believe that this is happening. I picture his face. His sweet face, like Dani's but a bit chubbier. I close my eyes tighter as I picture Tegan carrying him, breastfeeding him.
"I'm sorry, Sara. I'm so sorry" Tegan whispers over and over, kissing my cheek.
I keep nodding and I don't know how I'm going to get back to anyplace that feels fine after this. But I have to do this, I need to respect my wife. That's the right thing to do. And I love her. I go to place my hand over her tummy and she pulls away.
"Sara, please don't. I know you want to but, I can't. It makes me feel…infested" she whispers honestly and gently.
I nod slowly "I need a nap. I need to cry in bed with you and sleep this off" I say.
Tegan nods. She stands up, bringing me with her as we make our way into the cabin, forgetting our snack. I can hear Dani's soft, even breathing and Tegan lays me down, going over and picking her up. She knows I need our daughter right now. I smile at the sleeping bundle as Tegan lays her next to me then gets behind me. She spoons me as I pull Dani close and cry over her sleeping body. She's in a deep enough sleep that she doesn't even notice.
I wonder if she'll ever even know she almost had a brother.
That's the last thought that crosses my mind before I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.