Waiting For Superman Chapter 5: Monsters Under the Bed
Author's Note: We are now immersed in my original content and I have a long chapter here for y'all! I hope you could stand putting up with some content from the show earlier in the story. I wanted to set a framework so my stuff would seem more plausible/realistic. I'm not going to reveal yet if this story is an E/O story or a Bensidy story because at this point, much of the story centers around Olivia not even being sure. So I guess you'll just have to wait and find out :P In the meantime, you'll see some of both. As always, follow, favorite or review!
~platarozaluna
-"Liv! Liv…you have got to get up, it's time for you to go to work…" Brian Cassidy couldn't help but be amused at his girlfriend's attempt to shield herself from the morning by pulling the blankets up around herself and curling into a little ball. "What are we, a pillbug now? You've got to get up, babe, I'm sorry…" Olivia groaned in response. He saw a hand then snake out from her blanket cave, a hand which latched around his arm and proceeded to try to pull him back into his bed.
-"Hey Liv, I'm sorry. I want to get back in bed with you, I really do, but I'm already dressed and ready to leave. I have to go to work and so do you." Another groan. It wasn't like her. Usually, their roles were reversed and she was up and raring to go for work, standing over his sleeping form promising him cup after cup of coffee, which to drink, she knew, would require him to be at the very least, in a sitting position.
She'd had a rough night though, he reasoned. She'd come back to his apartment from presumably a conversation with Elliot, visibly shaken and upset even though she told him repeatedly that she didn't want to or need to talk about it. She'd just said she was very tired and wanted to go to bed, but then she was up three times with nightmares. He prodded her shoulder one more time.
-"Listen, I know you're tired and you need your sleep, but if you get up for me right now, I promise we'll go to bed early tonight, okay? Maybe watch a movie?" No response. "Hey, I'll tell you what, I'm going to go out to the kitchen and make you some breakfast. You sleep for another few minutes and then do you think you could get up for some scrambled eggs?" Olivia murmured something in a tone that sounded agreeable, so Brian gave her shoulder a small squeeze and left her to the remainder of her sleep.
Out in the kitchen, he heated a frying pan on the stove and opened his fridge to look for some eggs and cheese. That was when he heard it…a small, faint sound that almost sounded like a cat crying. Then, he heard it again.
-"Bri…" Olivia was calling him. He shut the fridge and headed back into the bedroom where Olivia had tossed off the pile of blankets and was halfway out of bed. Another nightmare? Already?
-"Hey you," he said, sitting down on the edge of the bed and pulling her into his arms. She was pale and shaking.
-"Bri, I really don't feel so well…could you…I'm sorry." She cocked her head in the direction of the bathroom door. Realizing what she meant, he scooped her into his arms and carried her into the bathroom while she murmured over and over again that she was sorry.
-"It's okay, Liv, really. I don't mind. It's okay to let somebody take care of you." He pulled her hair back and held it while she got sick. It hurt him to see her like this, so weak and helpless whether she realized it or not. He wasn't a fan of her partner, Nick Amaro. Never liked the guy and never would—guy would be better off as a beat cop. If he had only checked on his partner, maybe they could have gotten her away from Lewis before it was too late. If he, Cassidy, had only gotten to her and been there for her in time…if only he hadn't canceled their dinner plans that night…
Olivia got sick again, jolting him back to the here and now. She got sick, but nothing came up.
-"I don't think there's anything left in your stomach, babe," he said softly. Olivia nodded and, breathing heavily, leaned back into him.
-"I feel a little better now, I'd better get ready for work."
-"*Now* she wants to go into work…" Cassidy chuckled and kissed the top of her head through her hair. "No, I'm gonna call Cragen and tell him you're sick and you need a day—"
-"No! Please don't! I'm fine! See?" As if to prove her point, Olivia stood up, holding onto the sink for support. Cassidy stood up, too, and took her hands in his.
-"I know you're fine. You're fine because you're my superwoman, but you're tired, right?" She nodded. "You're tired and you don't feel your best, so maybe, just maybe, if you stay here and rest today, you can keep whatever this little bug is from getting any worse," he explained. She didn't say anything right away, as she seemed to be at least considering what he said, and then, finally, to his surprise, she nodded in agreement again.
He helped her back into bed and allowed himself to sit with her a minute. He wished he could stay there holding her all day, but his boss down at the Bronx courthouse had already been lenient enough with him for the time he'd taken off to be with Olivia.
-"I need to go into work, but I promise you I'll try to leave early so we can watch a movie. I'll even bring back dinner—what do you think you'll want?"
-"Surprise me," she whispered as she drifted off back to sleep. He felt terrible leaving her—what if she got sick again, or woke up with a nightmare or just needed him to be there—no. He couldn't think like that or he'd go crazy. Liv was a grown woman, an adult. She wasn't a helpless victim and she was more than capable of taking care of herself. He couldn't help but think, though—the last time she missed work to stay by herself, she'd been—no…it wasn't her fault. It could have happened to anyone, but just because it happened to her, didn't mean it was going to happen again.
-"I'll be back early, I promise," he reiterated, more for his own benefit than hers.
Wednesday afternoon at the Bronx courthouse could not have gone by any more slowly for Cassidy, who just wanted to be home with Olivia. He'd spent thirteen years loving her, and then, so soon after he finally got to be with her, the assault had happened and he, if it was even possible, now valued his time with her even more.
When he got home that evening, a few hours earlier than normal, as promised and holding a bag of Chinese takeout in each hand, he was surprised to find Olivia not only up and about, but standing at his kitchen sink washing dishes.
He dropped the takeout on the counter and wrapped Olivia in an embrace from behind, an act which earned him a face full of soap suds.
-"Things of which I never thought I'd see the day—Olivia Benson doing dishes."
-"Well then, if that's shocking, wait until you hear what else I did today?" He feigned a moment of thought.
-"Umm…I don't know, I give up."
-"I went to the grocery store and then, I cooked! And before you say it, no, nothing instant. A whole cake, completely from scratch." She pointed to a rounded shape buried under a heap of tin foil. "German chocolate cake. One of very few things my mother was exceptional at making—same thing, every holiday and every birthday that she remembered. And I –never- minded it because it was that good."
-"Wow Liv, but what's the occasion?" She nudged him playfully in the ribs.
-"Oh, nothing too special, just you, takin' care of me…"
-"Aw, well thank you, but you didn't have to—"
-"No, but I wanted to."
In this moment, he realized he loved her. He loved her in every capacity that a human being could love another…the way her eyes sometimes sparkled when she talked and sometimes burned with passion, the way her dark hair perfectly framed her face; the way she rolled into him in the night while she slept, the indentations of their bodies fitting like pieces of a perfect puzzle—and moments like this, when he imagined them in a grander scale, as if these moments were mirrors of every day of the rest of his life.
He wanted them to do it right there in the kitchen, after they'd try and fail to make it to the bedroom. But he didn't want to be disrespectful. They'd only had sex once in the two months that had elapsed since the assault and even then, though she'd insisted that he finish despite her inability, and assured him a thousand times that really, nothing was wrong and she was just a little tired, he could see it in her eyes—that haunted glaze, the pain—and he'd pulled out and mentally vowed that he didn't want to put her through anything she wasn't ready for. She would come to him in her own time. Besides, he was supposed to be taking care of her.
-"How are you feeling?" he asked.
-"Will you believe me if I say completely fine? It must have just been a little 24-hour bug or something I ate yesterday. I went back to sleep for a few hours, woke up good as me." It's probably stress, Cassidy wanted to add, but instead, he asked:
-"Have you gotten sick at all since I left?"
-"Not at all, which is unfortunate for you, seeing as you probably thought if I still didn't feel well, you'd get all that to yourself." She pointed to the two China Garden bags behind him.
-"Oh, you see that, do you?"
-"Yeah, I see it…I see it…annnnd…" She snatched one of the bags off the counter. "…I'm takin' it." Cassidy helped himself to the other bag and looked into it. He waited until he had a head start to the living room couch before calling back to her.
-"Have fun with all that rice and duck sauce, Liv. If you want spring rolls or Lo Mein, you're gonna have to come for it." He grabbed a plastic fork out of the bag and dug into the Lo Mein.
-"I believe, Officer Cassidy, that that…" said Olivia, sauntering up behind the couch. "…is what she said."
Cassidy reached up and pulled her over the couch and into his lap, somehow managing not to spill his food in the process.
Then, he was kissing every part of her that he could reasonably access and to his delight, she didn't look afraid. Instead, she looked how he felt—comfortable and content, her eyes closed and her own kisses light and breathy against his chest, shoulder, neck, jaw…and finally, closing around his lips.
-"Maybe we shouldn't watch a movie," she whispered.
-"Yeah, babe? What do you wanna do instead?"
-"I was thinking…maybe we could just go to bed early, like you promised me this morning."
-"You sure?" he asked, pressing her against him to make sure this was really what she wanted and he wasn't reading her signals wrong. In response, Olivia wrapped her legs around his waist and squeezed.
-"Well, officer, depends on how busy you are, because I….need a ride." His eyes locked with hers and he stood up, using one hand to support her, still straddled around his waist. "You want this, I know you do." Her words seemed to slither out of her mouth as she reached out and put her hand around his member.
-"Liv, relax. Don't feel like you need to—" She let go and stood up, letting both feet plant firmly on the floor and then she grabbed his wrist and began pulling him in the direction of his bedroom.
-"What? Don't have to what?" she snapped. "What, you think raped women can't have any libido? You think raped women can't be dominant sexual actors, because they're just compliant, aren't they? They let things happen to them. They're compliant and weak and—" She opened the door and pushed him onto the bed. Something had changed inside of her. Where before she'd been playful, she was now dark and empty. He knew that her feeling was gone and she was trying to mask it by going into cop mode, but he didn't want that for her. He didn't want her to have sex again until she felt like she was in a trusting and loving environment, not only physically, which he hoped he provided, but mentally as well; a state of being that would reflect her own progress in healing.
-"Babe, calm down. It's okay, how about we watch a movie first, like we were going to. It's okay, we got time, we—"
-"Don't you dare tell me what to do, Cassidy! No one has the right to take away my dignity in the bedroom. Not William Lewis, and certainly not you!"
Cassidy looked at her. He wanted to stop her from doing this, but she did have a point. And he wasn't going to pretend that he wasn't turned on albeit also significantly disturbed. But maybe this was something she needed to do.
-"Alright, you're in charge." He folded his hands behind his head, laid back and surrendered to her.
She looped a finger through the belt loop of his jeans and yanked them down. Then, she reached into his boxers and found what she was looking for—never breaking eye contact.
-"My mother used to tell me not to pick things up and put them in my mouth…"
…Her lips locked around him and she went at it with such a harried forcefulness that he was worried he wasn't going to last as long as maybe she'd anticipated. But she went faster. He felt warm and cold and anxious and calm all at once. Faster. His heart was beating uncontrollably. Faster. But really, this was how he'd always felt around her—like he was holding back until he nearly spilled in on himself. Faster. Every instinct inside of him was screaming at him to let go. Faster. A bead of sweat he hadn't noticed rolled off his jaw and splashed onto his chest. Fa…she stopped. Froze. Looking at him with wide eyes until suddenly, she slipped off of him and took off for the bathroom, after which he heard her getting sick again.
He pulled up his boxers and followed her into the bathroom. She was sitting on the floor with her back against the wall, so he knelt down and put an arm around her.
-"I'm sorry, Bri, I'm so sorry…"
-"It's okay, Liv. Do you feel sick again?" She nodded.
-"A little. Is it okay if we just…go to sleep tonight?"
-"Yeah, it's okay." He picked her up and carried her out to bed. "But you know what?" he prompted.
-"What?"
-"Maybe you should go see your doctor tomorrow and find out what's up." Olivia pulled the blankets over to her side of the bed, but then gestured for him to get in and spoon against her.
-"Yeah, I think I will. Then hopefully I'll get the okay to go into work, because knowing Cragen, he won't let me back without it."
-"Olivia?" the doctor asked. Her name was Doctor Sally Andrews and she'd been Olivia's doctor for a few years back before she switched offices. This morning, Olivia had sought her and gone back to her because as far as she knew, Dr. Andrews knew nothing about the assault. She wanted to be treated as a patient, not as a rape victim.
-"Yes?"
-"When was your last menstrual period?"
-"My…my gynecologist said since I've been under a lot of stress from…different things, and since I'm pre-menopausal, it might be a few months before—"
-"But –when- was your last period?" Olivia frowned, thinking back.
-"Umm…about 2 and a half months ago."
-"Okay," the doctor said softly. "Is there a chance you could be pregnant?"
-"I haven't really been…"Olivia trailed off. No. It couldn't be. It wasn't happening. They hadn't recovered any condoms from the scene. She'd had his DNA inside of her. But she couldn't be pregnant, women always –knew- when they were pregnant, didn't they?
-"Olivia?"
-"Yes. There might be a chance." Dr. Andrews handed her a clear plastic cup.
-"The restroom is down the hall and to the left. I'm going to need you to take a urine pregnancy test."
Olivia drove home from the doctor's office with one hand over her stomach. Over the thing inside of her that was making her sick. She felt numb all over. The doctor had given her a prescription for a medication to alleviate the morning sickness and sent her on her way with a reminder to make an appointment with an OB-GYN. Oh, that, and a congratulations. Like she'd been trying for this, like this was some sort of victory for her. No one asked her if she wanted or intended to keep it. It was like it was a given that she would.
Hell, Olivia never thought she'd see that day that she'd even have to ask herself that question. She'd always wanted to be a mother and her biological clock was rapidly ticking. Some might see this as a blessing, really. But she…no. Would she feel this was if it were Brian Cassidy's baby inside of her? No, she wouldn't. She'd be happy…overjoyed…thrilled…but she knew that it wasn't. She could wish it was, she could pretend it was…but that was impossible given the time frame. It wasn't his. Lewis was the father of this thing.
It wasn't being pregnant that bothered her. It was knowing that she'd see his face, flashback to the attack, every time she felt this thing squirm around inside of her. How could it be possible that it would be human, given who its father was? No baby deserved to be born to a mother who would never see it as an innocent child.
-"Hey Liv, how was work?" Cassidy sat down next to her on the couch and handed her a cup of tea. She took a sip, but didn't meet his eye.
-"I didn't go in. I had to pick up a prescription, but I should be fine to go into work tomorrow."
-"Prescription? What did the doctor say?"
-"Just a little stomach bug. Should be fully out of my system by the end of the week." When the medicine kicked in. She almost wished it would be so easy to flush this thing out of her system…but it was. And she could do it. And no one would fault her for it—how could they?
She felt her cheeks burn as she lied to her boyfriend. But she couldn't tell him. She wouldn't. She wouldn't tell anyone and then she could…no. She couldn't get rid of it. She herself knew better than anyone on the squad that a baby could be born to a rapist and not go on to be a rapist. She and her brother Simon stood testament to that—they, as would be the case with this baby, never knew their father. It wouldn't have to know who its father was until it was old enough to understand and not resent itself—did such an age exist?
Brian was saying something to her, but she couldn't hear him.
Lewis was looking up at her from his position on the floor, cuffed to the bed.
-"Call me what you want, but I can always smell a victim. Was it something daddy did to you? Why don't I talk about my daddy…"