Chapter Fifteen

I Have to Let the Past Go, Or Else . . .

Her heart ached so much watching the children play that she thought she might suffocate.

Watching them was painful, but, still, she couldn't pull her gaze away. Thoughts of Len rippled through her mind, rising for a moment before falling away and being replaced by another. She thought of his sweet smile, the kind way that he cared for her. It was painful, oh so painful, to remember that he wasn't here with her, that he never would be again.

In a moment of weakness, she felt herself reach out. She knew it wouldn't be his hand that took hers, but that was alright. She refused to look at the woman standing next to her, tried not to let her desperate need for her warmth show in her gaze that stayed stubbornly locked on the children, but she couldn't stop the tension from releasing her shoulders and let herself loosen a tad when Iroha's hand took her and gave it a small squeeze. Was Iroha remembering him, too? Did she feel this kind of pain when she thought of Len?

Rin froze. For the first time, that thought entered her mind. Iroha had loved Len, too. Len had been her best friend since they were little children. Still, ever since the funeral, Rin hadn't seen Iroha shed a single tear. She knew Iroha, though. Iroha was the greatest crybaby there was. She'd cried for weeks on end after her cat's death back in their last year of high school. Surely the pain she felt for Len's loss would have been incapacitating. And, yet, despite Iroha having been with her right since Len's death, Rin had never seen the woman cry.

Guilt crashed down on her like a tidal wave. Iroha hadn't cried for Rin's sake. In Rin's state, she'd needed someone strong to be there for her, and, so, Iroha had never cried, at least not in front of Rin. She was always either with Rin or at work, then, so when had she ever been given the chance to grieve?

She didn't realize until then that she was staring at Iroha with a devastated expression. Iroha must not have understood, though. She must have still been fixated on the children, fixated on worry for Rin's wellbeing rather than her own. Instead of crying like Rin felt the other woman was entitled to since memories of Len were evident in the pinkette's gaze, Iroha reached up and gave Rin a pat on the head like Len always used to. Rin didn't let her eyes tear up and forced her gaze to stay painfully neutral. She didn't know why she did, but she tried to pretend that the devastated expression had never crossed her face. She looked away stubbornly, back at the children, but they'd disappeared. She glanced toward the sound of their cries to see Haku running off into the distance with Neru chasing angrily after her.

"Mama!" Yuki called cheerily. Rin and Iroha looked to the young girl's direction as she exited the school building. Yuki's smile faded for a second to be replaced by curiosity as she gazed at Rin. "Rin? You came to pick me up?"

"Don't think too much of it," Rin mumbled embarrassedly, looking away. She could feel Yuki smiling, though. It made her happy that Yuki was happy, but it was still too much for her to accept those feelings. "I just wanted to make sure that bratty teacher of yours kept her nose out of my business."

"Rin," Iroha said with a frown, a warning tone in her voice.

Rin nearly jumped at the sound of Yuki's giggle and looked toward the girl in shock. She'd never seen that same happiness in Yuki's eyes. "That's okay. I'm just happy you came."

I'm a terrible person, Rin told herself, staring into that girl's eyes. Yuki had been with her for over a month now, and this was the first time she'd really managed to make the girl smile. She really was a terrible person, the worst.

"So why were you down at the office, Yuki?" Iroha mercifully asked.

Yuki looked to the pinkette then and smiled. "Miss Utatane and Miss Akita asked if I could watch over a little boy for them. He's in kindergarten. He's having trouble making friends and stuff, so they thought maybe I could help him make some."

"Why not ask one of your friends, instead?" Iroha wondered curiously. "Do you think you can handle that right now?"

Yuki shook her head, glancing at Rin repeatedly as she spoke. Rin felt her face reddening in embarrassment. The affection in Yuki's eyes was making the guilt steadily rise. She didn't deserve it, not at all. "They said that the personalities didn't match for anyone else, and since I'm new and I made friends already, I could show him that he can do it, too."

Iroha laughed a little, smiling down at Yuki. Rin found herself feeling oddly jealous of the bond the two shared. It was her own fault, of course, that Iroha and Yuki were so close, but she still couldn't help but be a bit dejected. She hadn't earned the right to have Yuki call her 'mama' or anything like that, though. "Well, as long as you think you can handle it."

"Are we going to the café today?" Yuki wondered, her eyes glimmering with excitement. Rin watched her curiously before flicking her eyes away when Yuki looked toward her again. She'd lived with this girl for quite a while, but she really knew nothing about her, did she? Even in walking her to school in the mornings, they'd barely exchanged words over the time.

"Of course," scoffed Iroha. "We always go."

There was a short moment of silence as Rin concentrated on a blade of grass a little ways away before Yuki's voice resonated in her ears. "Is Rin coming?"

Rin jumped and looked to Yuki. The girl had looked shyly away, hope shining in her eyes as she shifted nervously from foot to foot. Quickly, the girl recovered, "Not that you have to or anything, Rin. I know you're really busy with everything, work and all and that stuff. Not that I don't want you to come! I mean, it'd be great if you could, but I completely understand if you can't. Coming to pick me up was already really great and I don't want you to feel that—"

Rin couldn't help the smile that came, and she laughed softly. Kneeling down so that she was on eye level with Yuki, she patted the girl on the head, just as Iroha had done to her earlier and Len had always done to her. "Calm down. I'm coming. It's not like I have anything better to do."

But Yuki's eyes were filling with tears. Rin couldn't help but scowl. What had she done wrong? Did nothing satisfy this girl? Then, Yuki's voice sounded. "Len used to . . . do that."

Rin froze, imagining Len's face once more. That sweet smile he'd given her on their last day together. What had he said to her that day? What were his last words? Where had he run off to so quickly? Why hadn't he gone home with her? If he had, he never would have . . . . He never would have . . . .

Before Rin fell into the abyss, little hands drew her back into that moment as Yuki fell forward and wrapped her arms around her. "I'm sorry, Rin! I didn't mean to say it and make you sad! Please don't cry!"

Sure enough, Rin could feel tears hot in her gaze. She looked to Iroha as Yuki's face remained hidden in her shoulder, but the other woman merely met her gaze for a moment before looking away. It was as though she was saying, "You're her mother, aren't you? This is your job, not mine." Rin turned the gaze back to Yuki's black hair, completely unsure of herself. She'd always wanted to be a mother, sure, but she didn't know how to do it without Len. Yuki was crying; what was she supposed to do? Len would've known. They were meant to raise her together. Rin was lost on her own. She needed Len with her.

But he wasn't here, he never would be again, and Yuki needed a mother.

"It's okay, Yuki. I'm not upset," Rin insisted weakly, still completely unaware of what she was meant to do with the child. "It's okay."

"I'm sorry," Yuki whispered into Rin's ears, squeezing her tightly. "It's just that Len used to do that, and it made me think of him. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories for you."

A different thought flashed in Rin's mind rather than one of Len, and she felt a pain on her chest. She squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself not to think about it. She frowned, knowing that this was wrong. She should've been doing the comforting, not Yuki. So, she pulled her arms around Yuki and hugged her tight. It felt strange. How long had it been since she'd been this close to someone? "There's no reason to worry about me. I'm fine. You're the one we should be worried about." She felt a painful flutter in her heart as she was forced to acknowledge, "He was a big part of your life, too, after all." And, feeling Iroha's presence, she thought to the woman, And an even bigger part of yours.

Iroha seemed to have been satisfied by Rin's actions, because, in a cheerful voice, she broke the tension with, "Come on, you two! We've got to head to the café, or Ring'll think we aren't coming. She won't save our table then."

. . .

"Yuki-chan! Iroha! Welcome back!" Ring cheered as the three entered the café. She paused to gaze inquisitively at Rin and wondered, "Well, who's this?"

Rin scowled at the girl. This girl was at least ten years her junior, and she was treating her so casually. Iroha seemed to be tolerating it, but didn't she think it was just a little inappropriate? "Rin, Kagamine Rin," Rin introduced herself, gazing at Ring with an unamused expression.

"Well, Rin, come on in," Ring chirped, sweeping her arm out toward the table Yuki had already begun walking toward. "Always a pleasure to see kind faces, new and old!"

What was this girl's problem? What was it in Rin's expression that she recognized as kind? Still, Rin followed Yuki to the table and sat opposite Iroha, beside the child. Ring set menus before the three of them before promising to return in a moment and heading off elsewhere.

Rin gazed down at the menu. It was filled with fancy hot beverages and sickeningly sweet desserts. None of it appealed to her even in the slightest. She had to stop herself from wrinkling her nose in distaste and looked up to Iroha for assistance. Iroha knew her tastes better than she did herself. Iroha gazed at the pleading stare for a moment before looking to Yuki and wondering, "What do you recommend I get, Yuki?"

Yuki quickly replied, "The Hello Kitty ice cream sunday, of course."

Iroha grinned and thanked the girl. She then looked up to Rin and tilted her head slightly in Yuki's direction, giving her a pointed look. Rin understood immediately that she was recommending that she ask Yuki to choose for her, so, hesitantly, Rin wondered, "What about me?"

Yuki looked up to her, a little shocked, before smiling broadly and announcing, "You don't really have much of a sweet tooth, so the orange cake would probably be good. It's rather mild, and you can ask them to just not add the scoop of orange sherbet." Then, her cheeks reddened, and she looked down. "N-not that you have to get that, of course. It's just a suggestion. You probably know better than me."

Rin looked to Iroha for assistance, but the woman just gave her a blank look, so, with a tiny sigh, Rin patted Yuki's head once more.

Author's Note: Okay, now that I'm doing being an emotional wreck, back to writing! I've done most of my chapter by chapter plotting, so it should be easier now! And I'm still in school even if most of you are on vacation so rawr! Right, and the story cover is just temporary until the real one is completed.