Five Years Past

He took one last look at the new bridge, and remembered the last time he'd sat in that chair. Only that was five years ago, and he was a younger man. A lot can happen in the short but long period of time they'd spent refitting the ship. It still had a few months to go before they'd be ready to leave, but he was already missing the old bridge, the sounds all the consoles made, and the smell of his old chair. Sulu and Chekov laughing at their own dry jokes at the helm, Uhura constantly communicating with ships personal, Spock leaning over his science station as he analyzed data. And Janice, handing him a PADD to sign the days work off. He'd tried his best to forget what happened all that time ago, but some scars never seem to fade; they just kept insisting on staying to remind him that the past was real when he felt he was on the verge of insanity.

"Jim" A hand was placed on his shoulder "The shuttle is waiting"

He took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair as he always did "Let's go"

He knew what was install for him for the next few months while they finished the ship; a shuttle with Spock and probably the doctor as well, to any where they wanted to go for six months on shore leave, and no one to track them down. It would have been paradise if only her smile would leave his eye sight.

"I thought you'd given up thinking about that?" Spock pressed his finger tips to the side of his face. Images of her flooding his mind. "I see" He released him.

"She's coming back aboard Spock" He admitted, even though his partner and now husband already knew "After all this time, living back and forth from space station to earth, she's finally coming back aboard the Enterprise"

"Perhaps" Spock laid a hand on his in support "you'll finally be able to give her that apology you never got a chance to say"

"Perhaps" Jim leaned against the shuttles wall as they approached the Earth's surface. The couple stepped out of the craft and made their way into Starfleet headquarters to make final arrangement before they left.

"Spock, why don't you go handle these" He handed him a PADD "I need to talk with Admiral Nogura, if I can find him"

"Very well" Spock agreed "Shall we meet back here in one hour?"

Jim nodded and watched as he turned his back to him and walked off. Each step seeming like an hour had past as he watched him grow further and further away from him. Briefly sighing for a moment, he set out on his quest to find the Admiral. And gaining stares from people as he talked to himself along the way. He was an easy man to find, when you weren't looking for him.

How ever when you were looking for him it was impossible. After twenty minutes of searching office after office he was about to give up when he finally spotted him on an upper lever, talking to some other officer supposedly. Not wanting to take his eyes off him encase he lost him, with each step he took led him closer to whacking into something, or some one.

"I'm so sorry" A woman's voice apologized as she bent down to pick up the items she'd dropped.

"I should have been looking where I was going" Kirk bent down to help her.

"Thank you" She took the items from his hand, flicking the hair away from her eyes.

"Janice?" He finally realized who it was.

"Jim?!" They both stood "I mean Captain, my apologies"

"Janice…" He looked her over, noticing the subtle changes in her appearance; she still looked youthful, though the time and stress of her life was obvious on her face

"How are you?" He stood amazed.

"Fine, thank you" She replied, adjusting the objects in her arms "I was just about to go visit some one"

"Shall I walk with you?" He suggested, some what eager to talk with her further.

"I'd like that" She smiled as they began to exit the building, Admiral Nogura completely fading form his mind.

"So what have you been doing with yourself?" She asked as they walked across the huge court yard and up the long roads until the path turned to stone and dirt.

"Oh, not much really" He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand "Just the odd job every here and there while the enterprise is being refitted"

"I see" she avoided a rock on the pathway "And how is ? I heard you two are together now"

"He's well as usual" He smiled "We came together shortly after you left, actually…" He pondered on the thought, trying to manuvour onto the topic with out trying to make it too obvious, in case he upset her "Those were crazy times"

"It was a long time ago" She added "There was a lot of pressure; on all of us."

"Janice…" He stopped walking, not realizing they halted just outside of their destination as he decided to lay the cards down on the table "I never got to tell you, how sorry I am for what happened between us…"

She stared at him for a moment, thinking about what to say; even after all these year, it was still a sensitive issue for her, but she also tried to keep it locked away in the past. The words she decided on were simple enough, explaining every thing in one sentence "It's in the past Jim" She paused and watched as his gaze fell to the ground "Come, I want to show you something."

Jim finally realized where they were; he thought she was going to visit an old friend or something like that, but they had entered a sort of cemetery; where no living people dwelt, except for the mourning. There were only a few graves randomly scattered around, in fact he could count all of them on both his hands.

"She was my daughter" Janice lent in front of a particular grave, placing the objects at the foot of the small slab of a headstone but keeping one in her hand; a small shovel tool of a sort. "It's been three years…" She began to dig small holes around the slab as well as removing old weeds that were covering the engraved markings. "Yet I can still remember holding her tiny hands as the illness took her"

Jim knelt beside her, placing a hand on her knee in support as he watched a tear fall from her eye.

"I used to come here every day" She caught herself, recapturing her breath and speech as she picked up a small wooden box and opened it "I'd plant new flowers every time" she took the seeds out of the box and dropped them into the holes and covered them up with dirt. "There was a tree standing here once, but after a storm knocked it down, only my flowers have remained" She closed the box "Every day turned into every month. Now I barley get a chance to see her once a year"

"Janice..." He gazed at her in awe "May I ask how old she was when you lost her?"

"She was barely two" She almost hesitated giving him an answer, her voice hushing and growing quite "I'm sure you remember all that time ago" She almost whispered, two tears now falling down her checks. "I didn't just leave the ship because I needed a break, it was partially that, but the days before I left, I found out I was expecting, and I knew I had to leave; I had to get away from you"

His gut began to cave in "I impregnated you... didn't I?" He almost couldn't believe it.

She simply stared back at him, giving him a silent yet powerful answer to a question he wished he'd never asked.

"Janice" His arms were immediately around her, not sure if it was the best thing to do but to hell with the rules of personal space "I can't apologize enough for what's happened. I'm sorry" He held her tighter "I'm so sorry" His own tears began to built up as the weight of the situation grew real.

"It's all right Jim" She reassured him slightly "Here; I want you to have this"

He let her go free as she picked up something off the grave stone and handed it to him. "It was a good luck charm given to the baby shorty after her birth; a gift from midwife and doctor Chapel"

He looked at her in surprise; out of all the people to deliver their child, of coarse she would choose Christine.

Janice smiled at him "It's made out of whale bone; something quite rare and valuable these days seeming the species went extinct so long ago-" Her words were cut off as his arms wrapped around her once more, and she couldn't help but hug him back.

Even with their daughters death looming over them, all the hurt and sorrow that had poisoned them dissolved into their embrace, and for the first time since that day long ago, they finally felt at peace with each other.

With his hands gloomily at his side, and each step growing harder and harder to bear with, Starfleet Headquarters was gradually growing in size. What he thought might be nice walk with an old ship mate and a chance to apologize, turned into a depressing session of a full blown memory sweep; he could almost feel his suppressed other half cracking into two as the thought that he'd not only violated her, but he'd created a new life with her; something that only those who deeply love each other should do.

He wondered what would have happened if the baby didn't die those very few years ago, if instead she'd lived to grow up and become a beautiful woman like her mother. Would Janice have ever told him? Would their daughter have ever been told the story of how she really came to be? Who her biological father really was?

How could he ever get a good night sleep ever again after today?

If only he had gotten to Earth Sooner...

With his arms now folded over his chest and his hands rolled into balls, headquarters was still growing with each depressing step he took. Knowing all too well that when he got there he'd have to get back to work and get the papers filled out, before any kind of healing could take place. He didn't know if it was best to leave her up on the hill, but now it was his turn to set a distance between them. In six months time, they'd be back to a professional level, guided by Starfleet rules, and the conversation on the hill would never have happened.

"Jim!"

'Bones?' He thought as he heard foot steps approach him; he was really not in the mood for talking.

"There you are; I've been looking for you every where; where have you been?" The doctor approached him.

He wiped a stray tear from his eye "Nice to see you too Bones" He sighed as the man slapped him lightly on the shoulder in friendship. However the pleased look on his face began to disappear when he realized something was clouding his friends normally gracious mood.

"Are you alright?" He looked him over in concern.

"I'm fine" Jim tried to swallow his remorse for another time.

"I heard Janice was living around here but I haven't seen her yet" The doctor trailed off in his own thought.

"Oh really?" Kirk added to the conversation as if he hadn't been talking to her for the last hour.

"Yea, Spock's waiting for us on the third floor" He pointed up at the Vulcan who seemed to be staring out into nothingness, buried deep within his own thought. "If I'm still on the ship next year and I notice you two go missing for a few days, don't expect any help from me when you emerge from that bedroom" He tried to make a light joke about Spock's up and coming pon farr.

"I wouldn't worry Bones" Jim assured him as he watched the Vulcan turn to face them "we're not that bad" He tried to cage the deep emotions that were trying to escape in hope that Spock wouldn't sense them.

"I hope so" The doctor added "I've heard some pretty nasty rumors over the last few years"

However the Vulcan did, as he left the third floor and made his way down to meet them.

"Are you sure you're alright Jim?" Leonard asked as he watched his friend cover his face with the palms of his hands.

Jim didn't reply; he couldn't, his throat wouldn't muster words to tell him.

"I noticed you failed to report to the admiral for what ever reason" Spock approached them "I have taken care of the matter"

McCoy gazed at him, almost in slight disgust that Spock hadn't noticed how upset Jim was becoming. However, he did of coarse, he could feel it seeping through their bond even from head quarters.

"Doctor" Spock turned his attention to him "if you would permit me a moment alone with my mate"

Leonard looked looked back and forth between the two before finally giving in "Of coarse" He walked away from them; sitting on a bench in the gardens outside headquarters as he waited for them patiently.

"My t'hy'la; you are upset" Spock shuffled closer to him, wrapping his arms around him "Why?"

"I cannot say" Jim leaned against him as his mate held him in a tight, comforting hold.

"Then let me listen" The Vulcan raised one hand and spread his fingers across the contours of Jim's face as he initiated a meld.

A tidal wave of emotion flooded him through the bond, it was so dense and heavy he could feel it physically weighing him down and forcing his own eyes to shed tears. Regret, loss, grief, together with many others, were mixing and turning into a concoction of melancholy that one could not describe, only feel. But there was something else, deeper in Jim's core that was refusing to let go of the past, and for good reason. As the memories of Janice on the hill and the conversation that took place there, flashed before his eyes, he understood why his mate was so troubled. The hand of death was looming over his shoulder; and guilt.

'It is not your fault; I will help you over come this loss' Spock whispered telepathically 'Tonight' He sent out his intentions of what they would do later that evening while not in the public eye. For now, he sealed them away, deep within Jim's core till they could be dealt with at a proper time. His eyes stopped weeping and his breathing returned to normal as he leaned on his Vulcan's strength.

'Thank you' Jim whispered back though the bond as he felt the meld begin to close.

"Let us return" Spock led them to where the doctor was waiting.

He still looked worried for his friend, but Spock sent him a look that told him Jim was ok, and for now, it was enough to satisfy his curiosity.

"Can we please leave now?" Bones clasped his hands together in eagerness "The longer I stay in this god forsaken place the larger the radiation in my head grows"

"Perhaps we should take you to a doctor instead then" Spock suggested.

"Defiantly not!" He spat back.

Jim's smile grew as the two continued arguing, all the way back to the shuttle, just like they always did. He supposed things never really would change completely; the essence of the 'old days' would always be with them, no matter how different things become and no matter how many new people came and went with the flow of time.

After all, Bones and Spock were arguing; something they hadn't done in a long time, so something must have been putting all their moods up and back at a normal level. Though he wasn't really listening, and his legs were walking on instinct again. Her face was still staining the back of his mind and it probably for ever would. But so long as they had their friends, and their own guidance, they'd get thought it. Only time could erase their story, and their story was buried in a garden, on top of a hill not that far away from here.

End

Just to clear up some times for those of you who may be confused about that:

2266 Pon Farr (Amok Time)

2267 Janice Left

2269 The Baby Died

2272 Five Years Past

2273 Refit, Next Pon Farr