I searched my house, my room, my attic, and my basement, everywhere to find anything that could be even remotely funny. I ended up finding a bunch of random items like a toad stuffed animal, a slinky, a polar bear, some sunglasses and a bunch of other things. I sighed knowing that this video was going to be absolutely terrible, but I promised Phil that I would do this so I switched on the camera and started to film. After taking a million retakes to make sure that it wasn't as bad as I knew it was, I quickly edited my terrible video and logged on to YouTube. I found my heart beating faster as my mouse hovered over the upload button. I knew this was a bad idea it was just giving the chance for thousands and thousands of people to sit behind a computer screen and judge me even more. Did I really need even more people telling me what I already knew? I shook my head and was just about to shut down the window when Phil popped into my head. I quickly hit the upload button and found myself spiralling into darkness. My breathing quickened, my heart beating fast and my head spinning. My anxiety got the best of me as I watched the video upload to a place where I wouldn't have control anymore. With my world spiralling over of control I found comfort in the painful and cold embrace of the razor to my wrist. After the blood had stopped flowing I found myself slipping into unconsciousness.

I awoke the next day to dried blood along my arm and hand, I sighed getting up and walking to the bathroom to wash off the dried blood. It was a Saturday today but still my parents were already gone to work, leaving me alone in the house. My heart and wrist tingled with the thought of having to look at what people had said on my video. I opened the website and forced myself to take deep breaths before I opened up the video manager to see what people had thought. My heart dropped and nausea rolled over me. One like and over a thousand dislikes. Almost two thousand views and what seemed like a million comments. I scrolled through the comments, each of them feeling like a stab right to the heart. So many of the comments talked about how gay I seemed, gay emo scum, poser, and so many other things. I knew I shouldn't keep reading but I did all the way to the first comment, which just so happened to be Phil, what a shocker.

" AmazingPhil: YAY Dan! You did it! Can't wait to see more you sexy human being!

I felt tears start to well in my eyes and spill over, the warmth falling on my cheek. I breathed a ragged breath as I wiped away a tear that had fallen down my neck. Normal people wouldn't be crying over a stupid comment from an internet friend, because just to see one person be nice in all that ugly would be amazing and comforting to a normal person. But all I could think about was the fact that Phil would have seen all this ugly comments and would make him end up hating me in the future. Angry with myself I grabbed the razor off the table and destroyed my arm once again, but only after deleting the video and ultimately destroying anything more that could harm me. I wrapped my arm in gauze due to how much I had cut my arm. The room was becoming slightly hazy and I crawled into bed, wrapping the covers around me and slipping into oblivion.

I stayed in my bed, wrapped in my blankets sleeping as much as I could or occasionally crying and going to the bathroom until Monday morning when my alarm went off for school. I groaned, my body creaking as I finally got out of bed and made my way slowly to the shower. The hot water washed over my body, getting rid of all of the dirt, grime, grease, blood and tears that were still on my body from the weekend. The water burned my skin red as I scrubbed trying to get rid of the awful memories from the video. I felt myself starting to spiral into the darkness again and let it consume me on my walk to school; during school and my walk home, where coincidentally the bullies had happened to watch my video making it ten times worse. It was suffice to say that I welcomed the darkness which allowed to me to be uncaring in my day, however the darkness also made me want to curl into a ball and die, but I couldn't very well do that. The school day was a blur, a blur of just wanting to go home and sleep and forget, I didn't even remember the beating I took from the bullies but I do remember my bed. It smelt slightly funny like me lying in it for the past weekend had affected the smell, but it was comforting and I fully allowed the darkness to encompass me. I didn't know how long I had been curled up in bed for and I did not know the time (it was dark outside was all I could gather) but my phone buzzed. My arm felt heavy as I reached for my phone, like my body could not hold the weight of my body any longer. The light from my phone was blinding in the darkness of the night and I had to blink a couple times before I could actually read what it said.

" AmazingPhil: Dan why did you delete your video? It was good, make another one. This is what you wanted, remember?"

I felt more warm tears spill down my face at Phil's DM. "This is what you wanted, remember?" It sounded so bad like I had wanted to feel this way, like I had wanted to be hated by everyone, like I wanted to be alone, like I wanted to hate my life and myself. Like I had chosen the life I was forced to live. But it was true in a way, I had always fantasied about living the youtuber life, with youtuber friends and followers and all that, but I should have known it was all just one dumb fantasy. I should have realized that I would never get that. I was forced and doomed to live a life hated and despised because that is what I was worth to others and myself. I clicked the top button of my phone as another DM came in.

" AmazingPhi: Dan I know you saw that, why aren't you answering me? Your video wasn't that bad."

I ignored the DM once again, and let the blackness of night surround me once again. About a half and hour later one more DM came in.

" AmazingPhil: Fine Dan. Be that way. I'll be here until you want to talk to me again. Just remember it wasn't that bad!"

I was filled with rage at Phil's DM. The way he talked to me like I had a choice was angering me. I did not have a choice. My fantasy world did not exist. I would never have friends. I would never be accepted. I would never be happy. I threw my phone at the wall, hearing it smash but not caring, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend to be fine anymore. I knew that I had to live for at least a little while longer, but that didn't mean I had to be happy or care, so I let the blackness take over.

And that was the start of a long year. I didn't go out, I didn't socialize, I didn't talk to anyone. Not my parents, not Phil, not teachers and not the bullies. I was in my own little shell surrounded by the darkness that was my life. I found myself wishing more and more that it could just end, but I forced myself to wait until at least I started Uni and maybe then. It wasn't until Uni that things started to look up for me, or at least I thought they did, but my thoughts are always wrong.