Chapter Twenty

If I Cry, then . . . .

Iroha forced her eyes to the ceiling and viciously bit back tears, leaning against the door. Poor Kiyoteru. To be on the receiving end of Rin's wrath was awful, and she'd been even worse today. Had Rin run after him because she wasn't done yet, because she needed to tell him off even more than she already had? Maybe Iroha should have run after her, but seeing Yuki's tears had stopped her. The girl's yells, the panicked expression on her face, had reminded Iroha that she wasn't just responsible for Rin anymore. She had to take care of Yuki, as well. They were both her responsibility.

"Dammit," Iroha muttered, sliding down to the ground and dropping her face in her palms. What if Rin said something terrible to Yuki? When her temper was short, she could say some awful things, whether or not she meant it at the time. She'd been that was ever since high school, and it had gotten worse after Len's death.

What was she supposed to do, though? Run after Rin and Yuki? But, no, this was something Yuki wanted to do, and she was a smart girl, responsible enough to make her own decisions. For now, there was nothing Iroha could do but wait.

. . .

When Iroha came to, she found herself in the bed she shared with Rin. She sat up, blinking away the dreariness and confusion. What was going on? When had she fallen asleep? Hadn't she been out in the hallway?

She looked down and reassured that she was still wearing her now-wrinkled suit. Then, she gazed around the room. It was dark outside, so she looked at the bedside clock that told her that it was a couple hours past midnight. She blinked at the grogginess masking her gaze. She'd really fallen asleep, then? And stayed asleep for quite a while, it seemed.

Iroha then looked to the spot beside her, where Rin usually slept, but it was completely vacant. Iroha scowled at the emptiness, bothered to have woken up alone. She always woke up earlier than Rin in the mornings, so she was used to having the other woman near her when she awoke. It disappointed her that Rin wasn't there, and she started to wonder where her roommate was. She pulled away the blanket that had been drawn over her and stepped onto the floor beside her bed. After readjusting to the feel of her legs, she made her way quietly out of the bedroom and looked around.

Yuki's bedroom door was closed, which meant that she was sleeping. She never closed it otherwise. The bathroom door was shut, as well, so Iroha looked in the other direction, toward the entrance of the apartment. Curiously, she found the lights on, so she began to softly pad toward it. She crept to the mouth of the hallway and peered out to see Rin curled up on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. She didn't seem to be doing much else.

"Rin?" she called hesitantly. Rin turned her blue gaze onto Iroha in an instant and smiled.

"Hey," she replied softly. Iroha found herself growing more and more curious as she heard that tender tone in Rin's voice. She hadn't seen Rin like this for months. What had she and Kiyoteru talking about, or she and Yuki? Iroha's heart skipped a beat as a thought crossed her mind.

"Yuki's in bed, right?" she questioned. Had Rin decided in the end that she couldn't handle taking care of Yuki and had given her to Kiyoteru?

But Rin was nodding, and she stated, "It's been a stressful day for everyone, huh? You'd knocked yourself out against the door when we came back."

Iroha frowned at her companion. It had been stressful, surely, so why was Rin still awake at this hour? "You could have woken me up, Rin. You didn't have to carry me to bed."

Rin laughed a little at her, and Iroha was shocked once more by how good of a mood the woman seemed to be in. "You've done it for me so many times in the past months, Iroha. I think it's about time I returned the favour."

Rin didn't seem to understand, Iroha acknowledged as she continued standing stiffly in the hallway, but she let it go. "You could have at least gone to sleep, too. You're going to be wiped tomorrow."

Her friend only smirked, though. "I'll be showing up sober; I think that'll be more than enough to please them."

They fell silent for a little then, but Rin sighed after a moment and said, "I'm just too wired to sleep."

Iroha shifted from foot to foot nervously, unsure how she was meant to proceed. "Why?"

Rin smiled at her, more joy in her eyes than Iroha had seen in ages, and, her cheeks flushing a faint pink, stated, "She called me Mom."

Iroha blinked at her, not quite understanding in her half-sleeping state. She meant Yuki, right? What had happened that evening? Though she really wanted to ask, Rin had continued on.

"Iroha, may I ask you a favour?"

Iroha was a little slow to respond, still thrown off by Rin's shifted attitude. "Yeah, I guess so. Go ahead."

Rin took in a breath and pulled herself off the couch. Iroha instinctively took a step back when Rin started walking toward her. Rin stopped a few steps before her and gently offered a smile. "Will you please stay with me?"

Iroha felt heat surfacing in her cheeks, and yet her mind had yet to register Rin's words. She couldn't quite understand what Rin meant. Of course she'd stay with her. She'd stayed with her this whole time, never once expressing a wish to leave. Even more so, Rin was one of the most important people in her life, and Rin needed her. She had so many hardships that she'd faced and that she'd surely face in the future. That was why Iroha always stood by her, remaining the constant that Rin could depend on. Why was Rin even—

Before she could complete the thought, Rin had started speaking again.

"I know that it seems ridiculous to ask. If you've stayed with me through all this, why would you just leave? But, Iroha, I have to ask you, properly." She slowly reached out her hand, palm up, to Iroha, and wondered, "Iroha, will you please stay with me and help me take care of Yuki?"

Iroha stared at her, her cheeks reddening further. That kind smile, that sincerity. She looked exactly the same as that Rin that Iroha had met the first day of high school. She was the same girl that had caught so many hearts with that one single smile, the same girl who'd taken on Iroha as her best friend despite already having two best friends of her own, the same girl who had fallen in love with Len. She was that exact same girl, only she was completely different. She was kinder than before, stronger than before, older and more beautiful than before.

"I wish Len could see you now."

Iroha had simply breathed out those words without a second thought. Now that they were out, she regretted them. She knew better than to mention Len in front of Rin. She gazed worriedly at Rin, but Rin was still smiling, and the woman murmured, "I wish he could see you, too. You've grown up since then, Iroha."

Iroha felt tears pricking her eyes, but she bit them back. She had to respond quietly to stop her voice from cracking, but she managed to say, "Yes, Rin. I'll stay with you. I promise I will."

"Thank you."

Iroha stared at Rin's hand, seeing that it was still outstretched, and delicately placed her hand on the other woman's. She gasped in shock as Rin's hand tightened around hers and yanked her forward. Iroha fell against Rin's chest, her arms sandwiched between her and Rin. She was about to pull away and apologize despite the fact that Rin had pulled her, but Rin's voice interrupted her.

"It's okay to cry, Iroha." Iroha eyes widened in mild shock. So Rin had noticed, then? She'd noticed that tears had sprung to her eyes, that one had fallen right now? "You've let me cry all this time, but you've been through just as much. It's your turn to cry now, okay?"

Iroha still tried to fight back the tears, though. It was habit by now, though a bad one. Still, she couldn't remember what it was like to cry. How did one cry? How did it start? For the girl who'd been such a crybaby during high school, her inability to cry now seemed absurd. Still, couldn't remember how or why she'd cry.

Iroha flinched as, through the fabric of Rin's shirt, the tips of her fingers touched the bumpy skin between Rin's breasts. Her eyes closed, imagining the jutted scar that rested there. Rin was wrong. Iroha hadn't been through just as much. Rin had been through much more than anybody else ever had. It was terrible that so much had happened to that one girl. She deserved so much better than the life that had been given to her.

If only Iroha had been better at protecting her. If only she'd been with Rin at that time instead of with Aria. Or, what if she'd been with Len at the time of his death instead of at work? She could have protected him. She could have saved him.

He'd called her the previous night, she'd discovered after she'd heard of his death. Her battery had been dead, so she hadn't gotten the message, but he'd wanted to meet up with her and introduce her to someone. She was sure now that it was Yuki. He'd told his childhood friend about his plans to propose, after all. Surely he would've wanted to tell her about the child he planned on adopting. But she hadn't answered him until it was too late. If only she'd answered a little earlier, he might have taken a different route, and he never would have run into that shooter. He could have been here right now, with Rin and Yuki, like he was meant to be.

Iroha didn't notice that she'd started crying until she felt Rin stroking her back and the sound of choking sobs sounded in her ears.

"Hey, Iroha, we should go to the dance together! Huh? So what if I have a girlfriend?"

"Hey, Iroha, let's climb this tree together! I bet I could climb it faster than you!"

"You haven't come to visit my new place yet, you jerk! So what if it's a frat house? You'll fit right in! What? Well, I mean, you're just like one of the guys, after all. Oh crap, Iroha, calm down, I didn't mean it, I take it back!"

"We really should get you a boyfriend, Iroha. What do you mean you don't want one? All girls want one. Or, could it be, you're in love with me? Ouch, that's harsh. You didn't have to put it that way."

"I'm jealous. You've got it good. You can see Rin in the shower after gym. Not that there's much to see, huh? Why are you looking at me like that? Even you're more impressive than that. Ack, Iroha, wait!"

His voice was ringing in her ears. God, she missed him so much. They'd been friends since they were children, inseparable. She'd never once seemed like a third wheel when she tagged along with him and Rin; if anything, it had felt like Rin was the wheel. Iroha had resented her at first for taking Len away, but she'd come to care for Rin just as much as she had for Len. Maybe even more.

"Hey, Iroha, let's send our future kids to school together! It'll be great! We can force all our opinions on them and watch them fight it out for us!"

Len should have been there right now. He should have had the family he'd always wanted. Iroha should have given up on her first love and found someone else, had a child that could have been close to Yuki like Iroha and Len had been. It wasn't fair. He hadn't deserved to die, especially not when everything had just fallen into place for him.

Goddammit, why hadn't she called him? Why hadn't she gotten to see him one last time? She had no idea what the last thing she'd said to him had been, what his last words to her had been. She'd never gotten to say goodbye, never gotten to tell him just how important he was to her. She was always rough with him when he teased her, but she actually loved the attention when he did so. Had he realized that? There was no way for him to ever know now, was there?

"It's not fair," she sobbed into Rin, clinging tightly to the woman Len had fallen in love with all those years ago. "Why did it have to be him? Why him?"

She wished it had been her, at least. Then Rin would have never been hurt, Yuki would still have both parents, and no one would have ever been this shattered. Wasn't there some way, any way, to fix it? If there was anything she could do to bring things back to the way they once were, she'd do it. She'd do anything to have Len by her side once more.

She'd give it all back, give it all up, if only that hadn't happened to Len. All he'd been doing was walking home. Why had that person felt the need to shoot him, why him? They'd never caught the shooter, either, which had only made things worse, and no one had found Len until he was already dead. He'd died alone. It wasn't fair, wasn't fair. He deserved to die a better way if he had to, not the victim of some outraged beast trying to get revenge on the world.

She'd never gotten a chance to say goodbye. She'd never get to see Len again, hear his laugh, laugh at his jokes, argue with him, wake him up to go to school, help him plan out dates with Rin. There would never be any closure, never any answer as to why he'd called her, what would have happened if she'd called back.

She missed him, missed him more than anything, but nothing would ever bring him back, no matter how much she wished it would.

Author's Note: Aaaand, the first arc is now completed, but the story's far from over. The real drama has yet to begin.