My "new Dan" started with a bang. I found myself full of fake confidence, full of fake happiness and full of bullshit. I found myself making excuses about dates with friends, that I didn't have, in order to put off meeting with Phil. I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand the look in his eyes as I sat across from him or beside him and his girlfriend. So instead, I went to class or stayed in my room with Charlie getting worse each day. I had never met a person who was capable of being so mean and that was saying a lot. The things that Charlie said to me almost every day were even worse then the things that I had heard from the bullies at my school, they were so bad that I had started to cut all over again. My "new Dan" was even worse then the last Dan and I was pretty disgusted with myself.
I was sitting in my room, watching YouTube videos, and feeling sorry for myself like I always do. My arm was burning from the beating I had put it through last night and I had no desire to do anything but just sit on my bed with my eyes glued to the screen. That was until I got a text from Phil.
From: Phil 11:17 Okay today we are going to get lunch whether you like it or not. Meet me at the same restaurant at 1 or else I'm coming to get you from Uni.
I sighed and knew that I had to go, it had been too long and Phil was probably worried. I texted him back saying I'd come and sighed. Well if I was going to see Phil, I might as well try to look presentable. By the time I was finished getting ready it was almost12:30, perfect timing. I slipped on a pair of shoes, grabbed my wallet and left my rooms for the first time, other than class, in about 2 weeks.
As I neared the restaurant where Phil and I were going to have lunch I found myself getting nervous. I don't exactly know why I was so nervous, I mean it was only Phil, but the butterflies in my stomach were making me feel sick. I entered the restaurant and looked around only to see that Phil wasn't there yet. The sign on the counter told me to wait until I was seated so I stood in the door, awkward as usual.
"Oh hello, table for one?" I shook my head as the waitress grabbed only one menu.
"My friend is just running a bit late, he'll be here shortly." I smiled politely at the waitress as she grabbed another menu and started to walk to an empty table. I followed her, keeping my eyes glued to the ground like I had been trained to do from my high school years. "Thank you." I said as I slid into the booth that she had seated me at. The young waitress smiled and handed me a menu before walking off, leaving me alone to wait for Phil. I flipped through the menu as I waited, even though I wasn't very hungry and soon find my mind wandering. For reasons that I didn't know, I found my mind wandering back to Phil's videos, one in particular that I didn't like to think about, the video made for me. I found myself thinking back to that video over and over again. Phil was just so exposed and open with his emotions while I was hidden in my room suffering in silence, destroying my mind and body.
"I'm sorry I'm late." Phil's voice brought me out of my trance and I shrugged slightly.
"It's fine, you're not that late-" My voice trailed off as I realized that I had been sitting here for over 20 minutes thinking. Phil smiled apologetically and picked up his menu.
"So what looks good?" I smiled as Phil and I slide into easy conversation about trivial things, like we used to. It was natural and I couldn't help but feel like we should have been like this all along.
"Are you ready to order?" We nod and tell the waitress our order; Phil orders a burger and fries while I order a chicken quesadilla. After we ordered, we fell into a comfortable silence. However, I found myself itching all over, nervous and afraid for being out in public for this long. I had accustomed myself to sitting inside away from people for so long that I was having trouble adjusting to all this freedom.
"So since I haven't seen you in, oh since Uni started, you need to catch me up on how things are! How are you liking your roommate?" Phil's voice was soft and kind and oddly comforting. I shrugged and looked out the window.
"He's a bit of a prat if I'm going to be honest." Phil nodded and took a drink out of his water as we feel back into silence. "But I have some other friends so it makes up for it." I lied, my voice catching a bit. I took a drink to cover it up, but Phil eyes me like he knew that I had been blowing him off. We remained silent until the waitress came with our food. We stayed silent as we ate, making it easier to enjoy our food.
"How's your quesadilla?" Phil had reverted to trivial food talk, which means that our silence must feel awkward to him whereas to me it was slightly comforting.
"Okay, yours?" Phil nodded and he took another bite of his burger. I waited until he was finished his burger and I was basically finished eating to bring up what I wanted to talk about. I coughed slightly and took a drink of water before turning my attention to Phil and opening my mouth. "I'm sorry Phil for what I did." Phil's eyebrows knit together in confusion.
"What do you mean?" Phil's eyebrows knitted together as he responded to my question.
"All those years ago and I guess kind of this past month too." My eyes trailed down to the table as I spoke, avoiding eye contact.
"I thought we talked about this already?" Phil's answer was full of confusion as well as intrigue. I shook my head and popped another fry into my mouth.
"No not really, I never fully explained what happened." Phil nodded, pushing his empty plate away and devoting his full attention onto me. With Phil's eyes locked onto mine I started to feel like I was about to pass out. No one knew the full truth, would Phil find me any different? I took a few seconds to think about this before deciding that I would leave part of my story out, so that he would never know.
"Whenever your ready." Phil's voice was soft once again and he was smiling in that comforting sort of Phil way, the way that I used to love when I would watch his videos. Phil smiled and all my worries melted away, like I could tell Phil anything and he would never judge me.
"Okay so when I was in high school I was bullied, a lot." Phil's eyes narrowed and he bit his lip and he opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but I shook my head. "Just wait until the end please." Phil nodded and pretended to zip his lips, making me sigh at the innocent gesture. "I don't know why I was bullied, I was just the one who they picked on." I felt a pang of guilt in my stomach as I lied to Phil, knowing fully why they picked on me, and I found myself unable to look at him. "But everyone hated me, to the point that if I didn't run home from school everyday I would get the shit beat out of me. My parents didn't care; they barely even knew I existed. They were never home when I woke up or when I went to bed, they hated me. Really the only comfort was having you, a friend. You were the only person in my life who had never judged me, bullied me and you were the only person who actually cared. So when you told me to post a video, obviously I did even though I knew it was going to be a terrible mistake. I remember the nerves about it all, the feeling of panic and terror. When it was actually uploaded I felt a bit better, until I saw the comments. I don't know if you ever looked at the comments after you wrote yours, but they were horrible. All I remember thinking was how could people who had never met me hate me this much? How could they say such terrible things? I know now that they did it because society is messed up. Not because they were "insecure" as everyone says, but because society has taught people that you need to make fun of people who are weaker then you, pick on their flaws and insecurities until they break because that is how you fit in to society. Anyways, I also remember the feeling of panic that I felt. I was so scared that you would see those comments and you would feel the same way as they did and I didn't want to have to deal with that so I did what I thought was best. I deleted my video, logged off of all social media sites and then spent the year cooped up in my old room, depressed as hell. I'm sorry because I was so used to thinking that everyone hated me that I didn't think about you or what you would think. I'm not going to lie, but I couldn't sleep one of the first nights after I moved here, so I was on YouTube and your videos popped up so I watched a couple and I happened to stumble across one that made me feel terrible. I know you never meant for it to make me feel terrible or maybe you did, I don't know. All I know is that I'm so sorry Phil about everything I did." I finished my story and took a deep breath, keeping my eyes locked to the table. My heart was beating out of my chest; I had never been or felt so vulnerable in my entire life. Of course I had not told him everything, but I had told him enough that he could still shy away. We sat in silence again for a couple minutes before I finally looked up at Phil. His eyes held sadness in them and his mouth was turned down in a frown. He looked at me seriously before reaching his hand across the table. I moved away at first but then relaxed as he rubbed circles on the back of my hand, soothing me. Without warning, Phil flipped my arm around and pushed my sleeve back to reveal my cuts and scars. I quickly ripped my arm away and found myself running out of the dinner. I couldn't breathe, the world was spinning, I felt as if I was about to vomit and there were tears streaming down my face as I ran and ran and ran until I couldn't run anymore. I was as far as I could go away from Phil without collapsing. There was a park a few blocks over that I knew so I started to walk, the tears still falling. It felt like my hand was burning and my wrist was bleeding and stinging and hurting, but I knew that was impossible. I felt like everything was falling in upon itself. It only took me a couple of minutes to find that park but when I did, I felt a little bit calmer. As I scanned the park I found that it was completely empty, but that was probably due to the rain that was destined to come, typical England weather. I found a bench hidden slightly under a tree and sat down, pulling my knees into my chest. I rested my head on my knees, blocking out any view and closed my eyes. The smell of the park was calming but not enough to stop the panic attack. All of a sudden, I couldn't breathe, my heart was spinning, I was shaking all over, sweating, and I felt like I was about to throw up at any second. I opened my eyes, but I didn't feel like I was actually in the park more like I was looking in on it. My chest felt like it was going to explode and I feared death more than I had ever before. I knew this was a panic attack, having had them before, but there was nothing I could do to calm myself down. I took wheezing breaths and tried to shut my eyes, but the darkness only made it worse.
"Dan, just breathe. Take a deep breath in and out." Phil was sitting beside me and I realized that I hadn't even seen him come up. How did he find me? "Ready in and out." I listened to him and followed his breathing instructions and soon found that I was able to breathe normally, I wasn't shaking and I didn't have any urge to throw up. "Are you okay?" I shrugged slightly, wiping away a few stray tears. We sat in silence for a few minutes and as we did the rain started to fall. " I'm sorry Dan, I never should have done that." I remained silent and rigid, knowing that he was right. "I just needed to know if you harmed yourself." I still didn't move, but tears were still running down my face mixing with the rain. "I needed to know because that would have been my fault, my fault that you had harmed yourself, my fault that you were hurting and my fault that you felt this way." I turned to look at him and shook my head.
"It had nothing to do with you Phil. I was already like this before. I was destined to be that kid that everyone hated." Phil's eyes were wide as he looked at me and placed a hand on my cheek.
"Listen to me. You don't deserve to be hated; no one ever deserves to be hated. You don't have to rely on yourself and only yourself, I'm here now okay? Also don't feel terrible anymore about that video, it's all in the past now and it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are given the chance now to become friends and good ones at that okay? And by the way, I don't want you cutting anymore. Whenever you feel like you can't handle it or you need to cut, I want you to call me okay? And just to let you know, whenever your roommate is being a prat you can crash at my flat okay?" I nodded slightly and sniffled. Phil smiled a sad smile and pulled me into him.
"By the way how did you even know how to find me?" Phil chuckled slightly and rested his cheek on my head.
"Well a long time ago you mentioned how parks were your favourite place because they always remind you of innocence and how they always calmed you down. So I figured it was worth a shot." I smiled slightly and moved closer into Phil, finding myself comfortable in his hold. How he managed to remember such a small detail about me impressed and flattered me slightly and I smiled at the thought. We sat there for a while, until we could no longer feel the drops on our skin due to how heavy the rain was and even a little bit longer, allowing ourselves to take comfort in the warmth of the other.
"Can I ask you a question?" My voice was small and my eyes remained forward, not looking at him. Phil hmed in response, granting me permission to ask. "Why are you with your girlfriend? You seem like to completely different people." Phil froze slightly in response to my question, but sighed and relaxed quickly.
"To be honest, I think it's just me trying to hold on to something that has long since disappeared. We were good together once, but now I know we shouldn't be together its just hard. You probably know how it is right?" I shook my head and sighed slightly. It was embarrassing, never having had a girlfriend or a boyfriend when it seemed like everyone around me had had multiple. "I'm sorry Dan." I nodded and mumbled a small it's okay. The rain had been falling for at least twenty minutes already, but we still hadn't moved. I didn't know if this was normal for friends to do, seeing as I never really had any, but I didn't mind. Phil's body was comforting, giving me the sense of safety I had never really felt before. "Okay we're going to catch a cold, how about we go on over to my house and play some video games? Get warmed up and maybe, just maybe I'll make you a cup of hot cocoa!" Phil stuck his fingers into my side as he said hot cocoa and I jumped a little, smiling as I did. We got up off the bench and stretched, apparently we had been sitting for a lot longer than we thought. We started to walk out of the park and over to Phil's house, walking in silence as we did. As we walked I noted in my head how I had told Phil about my past and how he had found out about the cutting and how he didn't care. Phil wasn't like any other person I had ever met. For once in my life, I had a friend who seemed to truly care about me and that to me was a different, but comforting thought that I would keep with me when things got tough, and believe me things got tough.