I found myself in a very bad place very quickly. I couldn't find any motivation to go to school and was slowly but surely failing all of my classes. I had barely moved from my bed, other than going to the bathroom and showering, occasionally eating, and the fact that I hadn't moved in a couple of days was starting to scare not only my roommate but me as well. I knew I couldn't keep this up, but what was I going to do? I sighed finally sitting up in my bed and stretched slightly.
"Oh my god, he's alive." Charlie whispered more to himself than to me as I stood up and pulled on a pair of fresh pants. "Dude, are you okay? You've seemed pretty down lately." The look on Charlie's face was full of concern and it shocked me slightly, Charlie had never done anything other than make fun of me, calling me horrendous names. "Come on, why don't we get a coffee or something and you can tell me what's bothering you." He stood up, slipped on his shoes and grabbed his wallet. He was standing at the door before I could even process what was happening. He cocked an eyebrow at me and I shrugged, thinking about what else could possibly go wrong in my life if I got a coffee with my roommate. We walked to the Starbucks in silence; Charlie continued to glance over at me every couple of seconds, apparently just to make sure that I was still walking beside him. We got to the Starbucks, it was quite empty seeing as it was pretty late in the day. We walked up to the counter quickly taking our orders down and going to stand to wait for our drinks. Charlie looked at me with a weird expression on his face, like he didn't know if I was going to burst any second. We grabbed our drinks and headed for a table away from everyone.
"Okay so what's going on? You can tell me anything, I am your roommate." I sighed and thought of the pros and cons of telling Charlie what had happened. He had never been nice to me and he was basically one of the reasons that my arm was so mutilated. I didn't know what he was going to do with the information I was about to tell him and who knew how he was going to react when I told him why I had been made fun of in high school. I knew that the cons outweighed the pros, but having someone else know what was happening in my life seemed like one pretty big pro that I couldn't pass up. I thought about what I was going to say knowing that I was going to have to go back to my story about high school, this time not leaving anything out. The fact that in less that 5 minutes Charlie was going to know everything was scary, but at the same time comforting. I nodded and started to retell my story.
"In high school, I was the kid that everyone hated and simply because I'm bisexual. To be honest I am more towards guys then I am girls, but that doesn't mean that every guy I see I find attractive so don't worry. Anyways I was made fun of, bullied, beat up and all the other things I could possibly be. It sucked; every day of my life was like living in my own personal hell. Until I met Phil. I don't know if you ever watch YouTubers, but AmazingPhil is who I'm talking about." I looked up to see Charlie nodding, he wasn't shying away when I had told him that I was gay and he seemed to be actually listening to my story. "Anyways I had always watched his videos online and one day I started to just kind of start tweeting him and commenting on his videos. And then one day Phil was like well you like the same type of things as me and we kind of became friends. That was until he told me to post a video up on youtube. I knew it was a bad idea but I mean like come on, if your only friend tells you to do something you do it. So I posted it and got a whole bunch of horrendous comments, so I deleted it and then kind of spent the rest of the year curled up in a ball in my room, deeply depressed and hurting. I did somethings I'm still not proud of during that year, but you know." Charlie's eyes instinctively looked towards my wrist, considering he had to know by now. He frowned slightly and sighed, his eyebrows furrowing. "So I stopped talking to Phil probably hurting him really bad and then I came here, new start and all that crap. I was walking one day when I heard a familiar voice behind me. It was Phil of course; apparently he lives with his parents here now, which is weird and difficult to understand. Anyways we got coffee and caught up and started becoming really good friends." Charlie's eyes grew wide slightly.
"You started having feelings for him didn't you?" I nodded slightly and Charlie groaned, shaking his head. "So what you told him and he rejected you? That guy isn't good enough for you then." I shook my head and sighed.
"That isn't what happened. I wish that were what happened. Anyways so I started really liking Phil, he was so nice and kind and funny and to be honest he didn't look at me like I was a freak or that I didn't deserve to be here and it was comforting. I started spending basically all of my time over at Phil's house and then one day Phil introduced me to his girlfriend. Which sucks but I was okay with it, you know I get it he is straight blah blah blah. But I guess a couple of weeks ago, Me and Phil were hanging out and Melissa, Phil's girlfriend, thought that we were a bit too close or something. So the next day she came to the Uni and threatened me saying that if I don't stay away she is going to tell Phil the truth about why I hang out with him so much. I don't know how she found out that I'm gay but all I know is she's was going to end up telling him so I did the only thing I possibly could. I couldn't have my only friend in the world hate me because of my sexuality and I couldn't tell him about what Melissa said so I pushed him away, saying something like I'm sick. He came by about three or four weeks ago and was asking why I had stopped talking to him which I just replied with its better for both of us if you just go home to Melissa. The look on his face was heartbreaking; he literally looked as if he was about to cry. That was the last time that I talked to him and there's literally so much that I want to say to him but I cant because of Melissa. And you know something, he doesn't even want to be with Melissa, he just doesn't know how to end it, which makes it worse." Charlie nodded and looked down at the table. I heard a chair scrape behind me and the door opened, I turned around just in time to see an old man head out of the store. I sighed and shrugged, turning back around to Charlie.
"Why didn't you just tell him yourself?" I shrugged, shaking my head.
"Because coming out to my friends and family didn't work well, so I was afraid." Charlie smiled slightly.
"But you just came out to me and I've been nothing but horrible to you and you still told me everything." I smiled slightly, shrugging.
"Well I needed someone to listen and you offered so I took it." Charlie smiled and nodded.
"Well thank you for telling me that, I won't tell anyone until you want to come out okay? And just to let you know, I'd be flattered if you had feelings for me, I mean like I am a nice looking dude." Charlie proceeded to play with his hair, his smile so false and over the top that we both couldn't help but laugh. It felt nice laughing again, it had been almost two months since I had done anything outside of my bed and to be sitting here with Charlie laughing and smiling felt right. I belonged in this world and that was that. I didn't need Phil, I told myself even though I knew that I needed him like a heart needs a beat. "Let's get out of here, let's just go walk around." I smiled at him and stood up, walking beside him out of the Starbucks. I smiled as we walked side by side, joking and laughing. Maybe Charlie wasn't such a prick after all. We walked and talked and found that we actually had a lot of stuff in common. We had been walking for about 20 minutes when I saw the familiar figure coming towards us.
"That's him." I whispered quietly and Charlie looked over at me before looking towards the figure coming towards us. Phil stopped just a bit ahead as soon as he saw that it was me who was walking toward him. My heart ached as his face came into view. His face was no longer smiling when he looked at me, rather hurt and broken. His eyes were no longer alive with compassion and friendship, but rather confusion and sadness. I couldn't look at him for very long so I continued to walk. We crossed paths, neither saying anything even though I felt the slightest urge to reach out and touch him, just his arm maybe just so I could remember. We had walked another couple of feet when I heard my name being called.
"Dan." I turned around to see Phil coming towards us, slowly but surely. I looked at Charlie, my eyes wide not quite knowing what to do and he smirked, nodding slightly. I sighed knowing that I was being kind of childish, but the thought of having Phil so close and then having to leave him all over again was painful. He didn't come very close to me but it was close enough to see the stunning colour of his eyes. I couldn't help but stare at the eyes that I had been missing for too long. It hurt slightly to be able to be this close but yet so far at the same time. I wanted to reach out and touch him now that he was this close. Charlie coughed quietly beside me, breaking me out of my trance. He placed his hand on my shoulder lightly as if to tell me that I had to say something, anything. I sighed and focused my attention back on to Phil.
"Look, I'm sorry Phil. I really am." I said it quietly, my voice soft and slightly nervous. Phil's eyes were still full of sadness, hurting.
"Why did you do it Dan? Just please tell me why." I looked toward Charlie and then back at Phil, my eyes trailing between the two. Phil's face remained both confused and subdued the whole time; while Charlie's face was encouraging, telling me that I should tell him. His eyes were raised as we stood in a silent, stand-off. Eventually I sighed and shook my head.
"I can't Phil, I'm sorry. I want to, I really do but I just can't okay? I'm so sorry. Please try to understand." Charlie sighed beside me and Phil's shoulders slumped dejectedly, shaking his head he looked at me.
"I'm sorry to hear that Dan, but I just don't think I can handle your mood swings anymore, it just hurts too much. See you." Phil's eyes were full of sadness as he turned and started to walk away. The blackness was swallowing me up again, just as Charlie put his hand on my shoulder.
"It's okay Dan, I understand why you didn't tell him, but one day you're going to need to and now you might not be able to. But it's okay, I'm here for you okay? Come on, let's go back to the dorm and we can watch a movie or something." Charlie squeezed my shoulder and started to walk back to the dorm. I looked at the two sides, Phil walking one way and Charlie walking the other. Phil was now in my past and Charlie was now my future. I was going to have to try to forget my past if I was ever going to get rid of the darkness that was yet again threatening to devour me. I looked back at Phil one more time, before running a little bit to catch up with Charlie, maybe seeing Phil for the last time.
AN: I literally dont think that ive ever posted three chapters in three days, not that chapter 10 is really a full chapter but you know hah! i had alot of inspiration for this chapter and i have a pretty good idea of where i want the next couple of chapters to go so well see! Hope you liked it, probably not but you know ! haha