Over the next couple of weeks Charlie helped me get my life back together. He forced me to go to school, helping me with my classes and my homework. It was nice having a friend who knew everything about me. He teased me occasionally, but just a friendly tease, one that I hadn't had for a while. As the weeks went on and I didn't hear anything from Phil, Charlie and me got closer. He introduced me to his friends, who soon became my friends and soon I was able to go out with people and not feel afraid for my life. Charlie had stayed true to his promise and hadn't told anyone about my sexuality. I was grateful for the chance to have someone to lean on when I needed it. It was Christmas break now and I had decided to stay at Uni considering my parents didn't care anyways. Charlie was leaving in the next and then I would have the dorm to myself for two week.
"Hey Dan, we're going to a party tonight, you in? Last one before I leave!" Charlie looked over at me from on his bed and I smiled, nodding. I had never been to a party or gotten drunk and I planned to tonight. I spent the rest of the day on YouTube watching some of my favourites. As I finished yet another video of Tyler Oakley, who by the way was kind of my favourite considering he was out and was still confident in himself, a video which I had never seen came up. I clicked on it, stumbling across a collab video with Tyler and Phil. The face of Phil popped up smiling and laughing, so different from when I had last seen him and it stung. The hurt that I felt while watching Phil's face was immense and no matter how hard I tried to ignore the fact everyday, it was still in the back of my mind almost always. I finished watching the video and it flipped onto another one, allowing me to attempt to forget the face that only ripped a whole in my heart. I shut the laptop quickly and got up, grabbing my towels and heading on over to the showers. I turned the shower up as hot as humanly possible and allowed it to turn my skin red and raw to try and forget the hurt that was in my stomach. As I washed the dirt and grime off my body, I stopped at my wrist. There were no fresh cuts anymore, I had promised Phil that I wouldn't and besides with Charlie always watching over me now, it was hard enough to get a little time alone. I ran my fingers over the raised bumps and shuttered slightly. The bumps were just a reminder of worse times, a time far past. I shook my head knowing that I was making this up. The scars would always be a reminder of how weak I was and how weak I would always be. I sighed looking down at my wrist and for once allowed myself to break. For the past couple of months I had held myself back, keeping all the emotions in and allowing them to burn a hole inside of me. The tears came fast and furious, blending with water. Sobs wracked through me as I cried in the shower, while I continued to do the usually shower function. I cried as I finished washing my body, I cried while I shampooed and I cried while I conditioned. It was the only time that I could really allow myself to feel without having Charlie looking at me like I was broken, which really I was. I finished my shower and hoped that my eyes weren't that red so by the time that I got back to my room, Charlie wouldn't be able to tell. As I walked back to my room, I put everything that I had thought about out of my mind and put on a fake smile.
"Dan, hurry up we're going to be late since you take ten years to get ready." I sighed and threw on some clothes turning around to Charlie. "Are you okay? You look like you've been crying." I shook my head and laughed.
"Ya just got shampoo in my eye, what else is new." Charlie laughed but didn't look thoroughly convinced.
"So you ready to get completed pissed then?" I laughed and nodded as I started to blow dry my hair.
"You have no clue." Charlie smiled a weird knowing smile and turned back to his computer. I sat in front of the mirror, blow drying my hair and staring into my face. My eyes looked dead, hollow and empty. As I blow dried and straightened my hair I practiced making my eyes look lively and at one point even convinced myself that I was happy. "Okay finished, let's go." Charlie stood up laughing.
"Finally, that only took 2 hours." I pushed him slightly while I grabbed my phone and my wallet. We left the dorm and walked a couple blocks over to a house that was already blaring music. As we entered the house, the music became slightly overwhelming. I looked around at everyone who seemed already trashed as they danced sloppily together. "Let's do it Dan!" Charlie yelled over the music, slapping me on the back and heading over to the table with the booze. I followed suit, looking at all of the alcohol and feeling slightly overwhelmed. Charlie looked over at me and laughed. "First time eh?" He picked up a beer, opened it and passed it over to me. "Beer is pretty good, vodka gives you pretty nasty hangovers, tequila will more then likely make you pass out, and rum is good especially mixed. My favourite is beer but if you want a fast drunk go vodka. Just get a couple beers in you and go socialize okay?" Charlie smiled, "I'll be around if you need me." He grabbed a beer and walked away to a group of people who were standing around and talking. I took a sip of my beer and grimaced, it was awful. I took another sip and swallowed fast forcing the liquid down my throat.
"Beer is pretty nasty, I'm more of a vodka guy." A man said to me as he poured himself a drink. "I've never seen you around these parties before." His statement came out as more of a question and I shrugged.
"I'm Charlie's roommate and he told me that I had to come since it was right before Christmas." I shrugged again and took another swig of my beer, forcing myself not to grimace again.
"That would explain it since I remember all of the attractive guys that come around here." His smile was slightly overwhelming and his compliment made my face heat up quickly. "The name's Adam." He stuck out his hand for me to shake, his smile beaming in the dark lighting.
"Dan." I stuck my head out to shake his hand again before taking another drink of my beer. At this point I was trying to finish it as fast as I could so I could take another type of drink. "So do you go to the Uni or?" Adam shrugged and took another drink.
"I'm not really here or there." His answer made my eyebrows furrow, but he didn't meet my eyes instead turning to look at the room. "Let's go dance." I looked at everyone in the place; most guys were dancing with girls or a group of other people. Would it look obvious if I was dancing with one guy and one guy alone? I shrugged and finished my beer, quickly grabbing a glass of vodka before following Adam out onto the dance floor. Before I started dancing I took a big drink of my vodka and shuttered as the harsh liquid slid down my throat, making me cough. Adam looked at me oddly but laughed and continued to dance. As Adam and I danced I started to feel tipsy, as they call it. The room was spinning slightly and I found myself feeling giddy. I finished my glass of vodka and leaving Adam on the dance floor, grabbed another glass.
'You and Adam eh?" Charlie was standing beside me, his eyebrows raised. "Get Phil out of your system, but I don't want to hear any details okay?" Charlie laughed before walking away. I shrugged and taking another swig of my vodka I turned back to go to Adam.
After another 5 or 6 drinks and what felt like forever on the dance floor, Adam and me took a break. I was proper drunk at this point, stumbling and slurring as Adam and me chatted in a corner. Adam was in the middle of a sentence about something about his childhood, when I cut him off.
"Let's go somewhere." It wasn't a question, but rather a statement. Adam raised an eyebrow at me, smirking.
"I knew I was right." He stood up and held out his hand. I quickly finished my glass before standing up and following him. Walking up the stairs was a bit of a struggling considering how drunk I was. Everything was spinning and I couldn't find my balance. I wasn't able to think of anything and it was a peaceful bliss to, for once, not need to worry about anything. Adam pulled me into a room and I stumbled onto the bed, pulling Adam down on top of me. His lips smashed to mine, sloppy. As we kissed, I felt nothing in my stomach. This was my first kiss with a guy, but yet I felt nothing. I shook that out of my head and instead focused on kissing him. Our lips met messily, he bit my bottom lip and I sighed slightly. Adam took the opportunity to stick his tongue in my mouth. Our tongues battled as we kissed, our kisses only getting deeper and hungrier as we continued. Adam straddled me as we kissed, quickly pulling me up to take off my t-shirt. I sat there topless as we continued to battle, skin hitting cloth as we did. I quickly followed suit and ripped off Adams shirt, throwing it over to the wall. Adam chuckled slightly and bent back down to meet my lips again. We continued our sloppy kissing until Adam grabbed my wrists, pulling them up to the top of my head, holding them tightly within his hand. His hand slid down my arm and froze as he felt the raised scars. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he felt my arm. He stood up and grabbed one of my arms, looking at the scars in the light.
"I- um-" I started to explain, struggling to find the words, my words already being slurred.
"I can't do this, not if you're like that." He said getting up and after grabbing his shirt he opened the door, only to look back at me once more. "All the good ones are always damaged." He closed the door, but I continued to stare at the door just hoping that he would come back, he didn't.
The experience had sobered me up; well as much as possible considering how much alcohol I did have in my body. I waited five minutes before leaving the party and starting my walk back home. I had tears streaming down my face at this point. The very thing that I had been worrying about today had affected and ruined my night, how ironic. I couldn't help but picture his face as he saw my scars for the first time. As I walked I checked my phone to see that it was only around two in the morning and I was leaving my first party, completely pissed and crying. What a failure. When I finally reached my residence building, I felt calmer. Back to normality, of course the tears didn't stop as I walked, which by the way didn't help the whole drunk walking thing. I stumbled up the stairs and eventually got to my room. My eyes were burning and I was sure they were puffy, but I didn't care because really Charlie was probably still out and if he wasn't, who cares. I opened the door to my room, the light was on meaning that Charlie was in, so I expected to see him and only him in my room, I was wrong.
As I walked in, Charlie got up to meet me, smiling as he did. His smile didn't last mind you, as soon as he saw my tear-stained face.
"Oh my god Dan, what's the matter?" I collapsed then. I fell to the ground, my back sliding against the door and broke. All of the emotions flooding through me for the second time again that day. Charlie rushed up to meet me, his arms wrapping around my shoulders and pulling my head onto his shoulder. He tried to calm me down by rubbing my back, which in turn only made me cry harder. "Dan, what happened?" I couldn't breathe, my head was spinning, I felt sick, I was having a drunk panic attack. Everything at that moment felt very in tune and real, I couldn't function and again I had the feeling that I was about to die. "Dan, what's wrong? Just breathe please." I was sucking in rattling breaths, ones that hurt my chest and made wheezing sounds. Nothing I was doing was helping, if anything it was only making it worse. Suddenly there was a new presence beside me, their hand on my shoulder.
"Dan, just breathe. In and out. You're fine, you're safe. Just breathe, breathe with me okay?" I knew the voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't place whom. But I did what they asked, breathing with them. Within a couple of minutes, my breathing was back to normal, my heart was beating regularly and I could open my eyes without having the overwhelming feeling of needing to throw up. I wiped a few stray tears still on my face and looked over at the person who had calmed me down. I took in their face, my eyebrows furrowing slightly.
"How drunk is he?" The guy asked Charlie, laughing slightly as he pushed back a strand of my hair.
"I don't know I left remember?" Charlie laughed a small, sad laugh and rubbed my back slightly. Suddenly I clued in. I wasn't dreaming. Phil was actually in my dorm room; he was actually here in person. I tried to study his eyes but I couldn't quite focus on anything, blame the alcohol.
"Phil?" My voice was soft and broken, making Phil smile slightly.
"Yes Dan, it's me." I moved slowly and wrapped my arms around his neck, nuzzling into his neck like we used to.
"I missed you so much." I said, my words slurring greatly. "Please stay." I said before I blacked out.