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A/N: Update two! I have work tomorrow so no double updates tomorrow! Thank you for the response... enjoy...
Beauty and the Beast – Chapter Nine
Christian retraced the same steps he had made hours earlier. This time he felt like his heart was climbing up his throat with every fresh beat soon to be stuck in his throat ready to choke him. His nerves were getting the better of him and he knew why. The woman he loved had pushed him away only a little while ago and he would never be able to forget the fight she put up. He didn't want that reaction again.
Fight, a voice summoned forth in his mind. Fight for her, you bastard! Love her, need her, want her.
Those words literally like a mantra in his head propelled him onwards back to Ana's room. As he stood in the door way, reminiscent of earlier, he saw Ana looked more rested but, he guessed that was the drugs swimming her veins. He stood, without breathing, watching her and he hated that he couldn't make any of this better. She was so small and fragile right now and he knew his actions were one of the many catalysts in this outcome.
Yet he couldn't let it win. He couldn't let his blame and guilt cloak him and make him do something he would regret. How could he ever regret sticking by her side? How could get regret doing what felt right in his heart? He couldn't but, he could regret leaving her in that bed to deal with this all.
After all, Christian Grey never gave up a good fight when he got one. He saw it through to the end and he always, without fail, reigned champion. His love for Ana would never dwindle its passion and he would never let her push him away. He knew it was going to be hard. He, like her, was scarred but that was what made him better at getting her to love herself.
Because of Ana, he loved himself and didn't care for the scars he gained as a child at the hands of his abuser. He and Ana were just one step to being more alike than ever and that was their powerful strength.
And just like before, her eyes lay upon him and there it was. Everything he had been scared of now confronted him. She didn't want him and all he could see was the damage. Taking a deep breath he knew his Ana was under all of this. He had to fight forward and not let anything deter him.
"I don't want you here," Ana whispered out, unable to get riled up right now. "I told Grace I didn't want you here." She tried to push herself up a little but, gave in, "I didn't want anyone here."
Looking for his mom, Christian found her gone. He was alone and he saw her watching encouragingly from the sideline. This was down to him. No one else could love Ana for him and he wouldn't let them.
"Don't," Christian snapped and looked at her, his chest heaving as he became overcome with absolute crushing grief and anxiety. "Stop pushing me away and telling everyone what I'm going to be like!" He remembered her words from earlier, and it hit him hard. No, no, no. I said I didn't want him to see me. He's not supposed to see me! No, no. He doesn't love. He can't see me. He can't see me! I'm nothing anymore! He won't love me if I look like this. Grace, you can't let him see more than he has. How can he ever look at me again? I won't be perfect. He deserves more. Those words had cut him up more than anyone would know. "Do not ever put words in my mouth for me."
Ana stopped, and even though her heart was racing and her thoughts were screaming bloody murder at her, she couldn't push him anymore. The sight of him was too perfect right now and she knew that really needed him.
"I understand that you feel lost and insecure, Ana but, that is no excuse to think I would ever make you feel that way," Christian began to speak up, walking from a little to rest his hands on the end of the bed. "I will get whoever did this, Ana. I will make sure they pay and I know that won't make it any better, it won't heal you but, it's all I can do without feeling useless because you don't want me here."
"You didn't want me remember," Ana muttered every tear in her voice. "You didn't stop me from leaving. You didn't fight."
"Because I didn't want to make you a prisoner," he relayed her words back at her. "I never want you to feel trapped in a relationship with me when we can avoid it. I let you go to allow you space, I even sent Sawyer to follow you but, I shouldn't have done that."
"You didn't do this to me, remember?" Ana asked him back nonchalantly. "You didn't smash a bottle in my face to attack me with it." She remembered that explosive pain that rushed through her, "And you didn't decide to slash me with it. Someone else did."
"I will catch them," Christian ground out, "I will make them pay."
"Please don't do anything stupid," Ana tried to stop him but, she knew Christian could be a law unto himself. "Don't do something you'll regret."
"I regret letting you leave the apartment!" Christian snapped back and made a feral growl noise. "That's all I regret. That and making you feel like I can't love you now! Fuck," he put his hands to his head. How did he make this seem like this wasn't an instant reaction to her attack? How did he make her see that he wasn't just doing this because she was hurt? Because he wasn't, he wasn't just doing this because she where she was. He loved her. Thinking about it, he loved her so much his entire being throbbed. It had never been like this. She pleased his heart, body and soul.
There was no other way to explain it. They indulged in a kicky love life, one that Ana had teased him with but, one he had found gave him a sense of control he had longed for. She cared for him in ways no one else had – showered with him, woke him in the night with kisses, took care of his nightmares, made him dinner, looked after him when he was ill and she was the antidote he had always needed for his past.
"I know words are futile right now," he started and looked back to her. "God do I know that but, I won't let you lose yourself anymore. I won't let you do that because I know you, Ana. I know how strong you are and I know how you will conquer this. However, I won't back down and leave you to do it alone. I won't fucking do that for one moment. I won't. I can't."
He silenced suddenly and braced himself as his mother made it known that Ana's parents were coming in. He looked to Ana and saw her bracing herself in a similar manner. As she saw her parents she felt her heart balloon. She wanted her parents more than ever but, now they were here she could only see the same look on them that Christian and Grace held.
"Hey Annie," Ray said as he and Carla stepped in to stand beside Christian.
"We got here as soon as we could," Carla spoke and smiled weakly unable to feel comfortable with seeing her daughter.
"Hey," she replied, still not finding much to say.
"We're going to be here all the time," Carla told her daughter, offering a smile that she had always used when she was a little girl and ill. The comforting motherly smile that always worked to make Ana feel better, however, for once there was even a reaction to it and Carla just pressed up, "We're never going to be leaving you."
Ana surveyed both her parents and her heart sank into her chest and it actually hurt to admit that parents were standing there obviously feeling bad for her in copious amounts that it felt like they may as well be lashing her with a pity stick. They hated even been in the room five minutes and Ana felt herself snap. She didn't know if it were the medication she was on or if it was the fact that her morale was so low it was bypassing hell but, she couldn't take it.
"What so you can stand there and stare at me like this?" Ana asked bitterly, seeing as they were all staring at her with the utmost pity, she felt herself bend and break entirely. Ana huffed faintly as she saw her parents continually staring at her in the same way everyone else was staring at her, "Great, it just seems to be a new you're all getting a new look! Let's pity Ana!"
"C'mon, Ana," Grace stepped in, "This isn't fair."
"Isn't fair?" Ana asked with an incredulous tone, her teeth ground together. "This isn't fair!" She shouted and even though her voice was weak and coarse, the temper in it only began raising higher and higher. She then began to rip at the bandages on her chest, fighting with the one on her neck and finally ripping the one from face before anyone could stop her. She was pleased that Grace was too slow to react to her. "This isn't fair!" She screamed at them and it seemed the circulating air in the room hit her wounds like fuel on a fire. "What isn't fair is that I am left looking like this! How is it fair that I end up like this? How it fucking fair that you all get to stand there and look at me like I'm not the same Ana you all loved!" She began to heave as her lungs seized and she felt her head swim, "I'm still me but, I can see you don't think that! I just want to be me!"
"Ana," Grace called to Ana, trying to put out her anger. "Ana can you take a deep breath for me please, sweetie. I need you to calm down and take some deep breaths," She tried and reached up for the oxygen mask before taking off the nasal cannula from Ana's face and began to put the mask onto Ana which only made her agitation worse. "Ana, this will help you. I promise."
"No," Ana fought back unable to feel ready to go back to having an oxygen mask on. It reminded her too starkly of when she woke up in the hospital to seeing everyone surrounding her, saving her. "I don't want that. I don't want to be here," she whimpered and felt her vision begin to spot with her anxiety levels. "I want to go home." She looked to Grace as she felt herself weaken entirely, "I want to hide away, Grace." She began to cry, "I want to hide away. I don't want anyone to see me anymore. It's too much. I want to hide."
"I know you do," Grace agreed, understanding where Ana was coming home.
"They don't look at me the same," Ana began to cry as she fell victim to the rapture of doubt and let the darkness cloud her rationality. As she began to cry more she felt how hide it was beginning to get to catch her breath but, she also could fell Grace readying to put the mask on her again and she just had to fight back. She didn't want the feeling of entrapment to gather momentum and surround her wholly.
"Ana, just listen," Christian begged as he left his spot by Carla and went around the side of the bed. "Please, just listen to my mother."
Trying to comprehend his words, Ana didn't remember much more as her head began to spin. She heard her name get called but, only really heard Grace as she began to scream for help.
After the way she had just gone off at them, maybe this was the deserved end of it all.