Disclaimer: I own nothing...
A/N: First off, I am trying to get a head start on publishing my own original work. If anyone is interested in reading my work or supporting me then please like my Facebook page – Author Kirsty-Anne Still. Thanks in advance!
As for this story… I am building up for the turnaround in Ana's behaviour but, I REFUSE to rush it and I refuse to feel bad for writing my story how I feel is right - Especially when I have dealt with depression and mental health before in my life – with myself and someone very close to me. I don't take the situation lightly in reality and I won't with this. Plus, even the strongest can fall to rock bottom before they reclaim their old self. So if you can bear with Ana being like this then you can reap the rewards soon. Believe it or not, I have written up to chapter 28 so I know what's going to be transcending and I can promise that breakthrough is on the horizon.
There is method to my madness!
I hate ranting in AN's so I'm going to shut up and leave you with this chapter =)
Beauty and the Beast – Chapter Twenty-Four
Ana's mood was on a continual decline but, she tried her hardest to cover it up and the fact that no one mentioned her quietness meant that no one noticed. Good. It was exactly what she wanted. She didn't want to be noticed.
She had told them about her dream and Grace had notified her that it was well known for people to have extreme dreams whilst under the effects of anaesthetics and it appeared that Ana was no different to any other person. Admittedly, Grace could see that Ana was shaken from it but, she had to remember that post-op effects were rife for at least twenty-four hours. She would only worry completely if Ana was still acting weirdly in the evening.
Everyone was sitting quietly, not ready to force conversation from Ana seeing as she was in and out of sleep. Now, however, she just lay there. She didn't speak, didn't smile, hardly moved. She just lay there staring ahead, contemplatively still.
Christian was growing tired and could barely keep himself awake. He wanted to be at home messing around with Ana, enjoying cuddles whilst watching a film. Hell, he wanted to plotting a way out of the secrecy and share her with his entire world.
Apparently everyone's dreams didn't come true. He was left staring at the shell of his heart. He then saw something flicker in Ana's eyes. Some form of life ignited suddenly.
"Mia?" Ana croaked out and felt like this was bizarre to finally see Mia after so long. She, Kate and Mia usually went shopping together so they were long term best friends in that aspect.
Mia stood in the doorway, bags galore, a sympathetic, apologetic frown on her face. She had seen Ana as she approached the room and could see Ana lying lifelessly in the bed, hospital gown swapping her, bandages swallowing her skin.
"I'm so sorry it took me so long to get here," Mia apologised but, looked to Ana. "I've been kept up to date and was told how successful your second surgery was." Her bubbly nature started to take command. "But I can't wait to see what the scars will look like after surgery," Mia spoke excitedly. She had Ana's best interest at hearts and it wasn't making Ana fell much better about anything. "It'll be like nothing happened!" Her energy was being fed from her nervousness. Having been one of the last to arrive she was left with the brunt of it all.
It'll be like nothing happened. Ana would have laughed hysterically if she could just find the energy to do so.
"Sorry," Mia apologised again, "That was uncalled for. I just, I don't know what to say or do in this situation. I don't know what to do to make it right."
Grace went to her daughter, motherly putting her hands around her daughter to keep her protected for the moment. "You're here. That's enough and we're all on the same grounding with the surgery. It was a success and it just enables us for a clear insight for the future." Grace spoke confidently but, she could see from the look in Ana's eyes that something wasn't right.
"You're here now," Christian smiled and she could see that Mia looked a little confused at her brother's presence. "We'll tell you later."
"Oh, okay," Mia looked questioningly and looked back to Ana. She could see that Ana was a shadow of herself. She wasn't the girl that giggled over lunch and could put together the best outfit possible in five minutes. So she tried to just be herself for Ana in the hope it would make the moment a little better. "I brought gifts!" Mia changed the subject hoping to break the tension. She didn't deal well with this amount of seriousness at the best of times but, right now she was nervous because of it. So she grabbed one of her bags and put out on the table over Ana's bed a copious amount of souvenirs. There were ones that looked like the Eiffel tower, Big Ben, the Leaning tower of Pisa all things that had shown where Mia had travelled in the last few months.
Picking up the Eiffel Tower, Grace hated this but, she had to do her job of leading Ana's watch of suicidal tendencies. "Ana's not allowed anything sharp," Grace spoke cautiously and kept her eyes trained on Ana for the moment. She saw Ana give a smile and nod to tell Mia everything. There was no need for disclosure, she knew what she done. "Ana's currently on suicide watch."
Mia gasped and looked to Ana unable to put such a dark and twisted act to Ana. "No, please don't tell me you went there." She looked to Ana, tears forming thickly in her eyes, "You wouldn't have done that, Ana. That isn't you."
"I was desperate," Ana tried to make it all okay with that remark but, she knew apologises were idle. What's done was done and the effects were long lasting. There was no denying it, no masking it, only accepting it.
"Desperate made you try to kill yourself?" Mia exclaimed, wishing she had gotten here earlier and dealt with this with everyone else. "I knew it was horrendous what you were going through but, Ana, you do not go to such extremes. You take matters into your own hands."
"This isn't any of those matters," she said and patted the bed for Christian's hand. The moment she had it she was gripping on tight, hating the ridicule that Mia was unloading. "I didn't – I don't want to be like this."
"Erm, is there something going on here I should know about?" Mia asked seeing Christian's hand in Ana's. "It's cosy for a pair of people who barely know one another."
"That's the thing," Christian began to say. "Ana and I have been hiding a relationship from everyone." Christian coughed to clear his throat, "Ana and I have been dating over a year now. We have our reasons and I will tell you all about them but, you need to understand that I love Ana, Mia. It wasn't an act against you to not tell you. We just fell into this way of life."
"How do you just fall into this way of life?" Mia asked incredulously, her confusion becoming widespread. "I thought you trusted me," she directed that at both Ana and Christian and couldn't for the life of her understand why they kept this all a secret.
"It wasn't personal," Ana tried to step up to the mark to offer a defence on the matter. "It was something that was right for us." Ana could feel herself getting tearful over defending her relationship, "Please, Mia, there are some many things you need to be told." Ana was not far from begging but, she knew Mia's character more than anyone. If she found a situation too hurtful she clammed up and ran and Ana could see this happening. Mia needed to internalise and she just hoped if it was like old times, Mia would quickly get over the situation at hand. "Mia? Please say something."
"Erm, I need some air," Mia pretty much shuddered on her words and left the room in tears.
Ana just looked downwards, away from everyone's gazes because she knew everyone was worried by Mia's reaction. Ana had expected it to be fair. Why wouldn't everyone react in such a way?
"I'll go and see if she's okay," Grace excused herself.
And the moment Grace left, Ana burst into tears. They weren't cathartic cries, they weren't healing her. She just felt like everything was still slipping through her fingers even when it was smooth running for a time period. It appeared that when new situations arose, she found herself raw and susceptible to all the elements of emotion.
"C'mon Ana," Christian jumped in, sitting on the bed. "She'll get over this and we'll all be okay. The surgery went brilliantly that's one positive for us. Mia will get over this and that's another. We're all here fo-"
"No, don't!" Ana finally snapped and everything, the pain, the tears, the emotions come flood from her. She took a deep breath before speaking but, she could see that this needed said, "Don't tell me that! You can tell me the surgery was brilliant and that what I did the other day didn't matter but, it's all wrong. I didn't want that surgery and that day I wanted to die. I wanted to cut my throat and end it all. I thought if I just listened to you all and made you happy then I would feel the same but, it didn't turn out like that." She heaved, shuddering on her inhale and exhale, "I won't ever be accepted by you lot if I don't go through with more surgery. I won't ever be looked at the same if I don't have more surgeries and all I want is for you to stop treating me like a victim and fix me medically. I want you to look after me and love me how you all did before. I just want to be loved for me but, I feel like I will only be truly loved if I try and get rid of the damage."
"That's not how we feel," Carla jumped in, speaking first.
"It's how I feel!" Ana shouted and took in another laboured breath knowing she needed to calm down, "It's hard enough knowing everyone outside of this room is ready to judge me for my scars before they let me in but, you all said so, the surgeries would help me fit in. It will be worth it when I go back to work. I don't want any more surgeries. I'm not ready for that." She released a sob, them all captivated by her breakdown, "I'm nowhere near getting over this attack and I have to deal with more operations and more reasons to fit in when I don't want to fit in. I want to hideaway and get over this in my own time. I don't want to rush this."
"Why didn't you just say no?" Christian asked, his tone taut with raging emotions as he felt like he had forced Ana when he hadn't wanted to do so.
Ana looked to Christian, "Because I would have felt like a disappointment to you all. You're all trying to help me and get me over this and I just thought if I went through with the operation I would make you proud and I would show you I'm trying. I didn't realise it would hurt me so much." The shock around her was palpable and she could see that she was only adding to it. "I did it to make this easier on you lot."
"That's not what this is about!" Ray exclaimed, finding himself near breaking point. "We're supposed to be helping you, Ana."
"But you're not," she admitted and saw the shock. "Not all the time and when you're not I feel like I have to be the okay one." She closed her eyes and tried to stop her tears, "Before they put me under, I remember panicking that I wasn't ready for what was going to happen and all I've felt is unhappy since waking up. I realised as I lay in that operating room that I am never going to be the Anastasia you all know and I won't sit around anymore and just be the cause of you all suffering."
"What are you saying?" Christian asked, treading dangerously close to the truth.
Ana tore her gaze away from her hands again and she made herself look at the grey ones before her. Everyone else in the room disappeared suddenly and she uttered the one word she knew she would regret forever, "Leave."
Christian's eyes watered, "Excuse me? What the hell Ana?"
"You still want perfection. You want me to be perfect, feel perfect. Well I don't and I won't and nothing is going to change that. Can't you see that, Christian? You and I live in totally different worlds now. I won't ever be on the same page as you anymore. I am not that Ana you want. I don't know why you love me. You can do so much better! Realise it now."
And apparently Christian did realise it as he got up and left the room without a plea, a goodbye or any form of closure.
What had Ana just done?