Disclaimer: I own nothing...
A/N: Right, to the guest reviewer who said I needed help, I don't. I am perfectly sane minded and do not appreciate being told I am basically messed up because of what I'm writing. I call it being a good writer and not mentally messed up. Also, to those that have bashed my story I'm sorry it displeases you but, if you've got nothing nice to say then don't say anything else. There are others that love this story line.
Do NOT expect any updates tomorrow as this girl turns 22 =) So I will be celebrating a little and not writing or updating. Sorry!
However, enjoy this update!
Beauty and the Beast – Chapter Twenty-Six
This was what Ana wanted – the unforgiving loneliness – so why was she sitting here crying? She had no right to do this. She had no reason to cry when she had told them to leave. She had pushed them away and used words she would never be able to take back. She had hurt the people that loved her most and cared for her unlike any other people and she had turned on them. She had become a monster in the face of everything going on and she couldn't take it back anymore. She had done the damage and she had to accept the future she had allowed herself to make for herself.
I won't regret realising that you aren't my real father and that you aren't really needed here. I won't regret realising that my best friend is only here out of guilt because she is selfish bitch and I won't regret pushing Christian to leave me earlier.
They were her words but, looking back, in hindsight, Ana regretted every single word that she had spoken. She hated that they had come from her and she hated herself even more. She hated what she was becoming because now she didn't just feel like a beast physically, she felt like one right through to her core. She was evil and malicious and she was undeserving of people loving her and being here if her thanks and gratitude looked like they just had. She didn't deserve people to love her. She deserved harsh reality and the bullying gazes of people on the outside world. She deserved everything she got because she had brought it all upon herself.
Taking a deep breath, feeling the pull on her throat as her oesophagus contracted tightly, she rolled her eyes and allowed them to fall on the sight before her. She looked at the souvenirs left on the table before her and she wondered how sharp the point really was and if she could do any damage. After all, she wasn't even allowed the plastic beaker of water before she could shatter it and use the shards like Kaitlyn had.
God, why hadn't she have just taken that blade and sliced deeper than she could have? It was as she asked that question that she remembered Christian falling to his knees, sobbing himself in defeat. His defeat was her defeat. Without him, she would be dead and she had gotten him to leave. She had pushed him away and tried not to care about needing anyone else but, now, in the immediate aftermath, she wanted to call everyone back.
And as her thoughts twisted and darkened even more so, Ana just shuddered unhappily as she sat alone and she just sobbed loudly and unattractively to the empty room. It was all going wrong. Life wasn't supposed to be like this. Life wasn't supposed to be getting worse. It was supposed to be turning into something amazing.
Covering her face with both her hands, Ana brought her legs up so her knees were near enough crushing into her chest and she just let everything go. Sure she had cried here and there and broken down in the form of being suicidal but, right now crying seemed more feasible than breathing.
What had she become?
She didn't even want to look in the mirror and confront herself fully. She hadn't looked at one since that first time after surgery but, now she couldn't bear to look at herself to be confronted with a ten foot beast, with horns and claws, hungry to destroy lives.
"Ana?" Grace asked confused as she came back into the room. "Ana, where is everyone?"
"They left. They're not here." Ana sobbed back at Grace, "I made them leave. They left me." That last sentence knocked the shock into Ana's system, "Oh God, they left me."
"Why?" Grace asked, she was confused to the hilt at why they would all suddenly leave. She had seen Christian run but, everyone else she had no clue.
"Because I made them," she sobbed and her shoulders slumped more than should be humanly possible. She looked up at Grace, her eyes so heavy with tears; Grace could only imagine their weight. "I was horrible to them all to make them leave. I thought if I was horrible they would go and they did. They all left and they aren't coming back."
"They will," Grace optimised, knowing that everyone would come back. Especially Christian, he had to come back.
"No," Ana cried out, whimpering on her own thoughts, "I made them feel worthless to me to make them leave. I told Ray he wasn't my real dad. He's the closest I've ever had and I love him but, he won't come back now, Grace. He's gone. He won't want me as his daughter ever again. I told my mom I wasn't her daughter anymore and she had realise it. Kate, oh God, what I said to Kate," Ana just stared ahead wide eyed and in shock still, "She's never going to see me again and Christian needs to start a life without but, I can't bear to see him leave me. What have I done? Why did I do it?" She looked to Grace, "Why did I do that, Grace?"
"Self-preservation," Grace spoke coolly and collectedly. "We do these things to protect ourselves but, sometimes it gives us a wakeup call. It's done that hasn't it? You know what you've done wrong?"
"They were only looking out for me," Ana said in response. "You all love me and want me better and I didn't see that. I ignored that fact. Why, Grace? How did I get to be so blind?"
"Not blind," Grace denied the claim. "You're just lost right now, Ana. That's all. You're lost and searching for the right thing to do. Sometimes the right thing isn't the right this in the long run but, we're your family. We will come back whatever."
"I don't deserve them coming back." Ana wallowed and knew she deserved that destiny. "I deserve to suffer alone now and I will. I will get through this alone and I won't look back at what I ruined. I can't do that. I'm already terrified of life, I can't look around and just remind myself that I'm all alone to face it now."
"You're never alone," Grace told her with a smile, "I'm always going to be here." She pressed onwards with her support, "From the first day I met you, Ana, down in the ER I knew I was met to. I'm not going to let you push me away and I'm not going to leave."
Ana's eyes clouded for a moment as she remembered that night and consequently remembered back to that initial impact that hit her face. It made the little cuts over her face pulsate and throb with memory but, then she remembered feeling the shard of glass cut through her skin. She remembered the searing pain it created and how she felt the warmth of her own blood and how sickened she was by it all. She then remembered her words before watching her attack leave and her eyes just stayed staring forward as she found herself looking up at the bright lights surrounding Escala. She allowed herself to slump to the floor, her eyes never leaving its penthouse and she remembered laying there for ages before help found her. She knew a part of her disappeared before she left the apartment but, it seemed that more left her as she bled out and all she could do was torture herself at what Christian was doing guarded in that top apartment.
"She's out there, living a good life," Ana closed her eyes to the bitter shreds of memories and tried to focus her mind somewhere else. "She's out living a charmed life."
"She living with a guilty conscience," Grace countered in tone so rife with vehement it showed that Grace was gunning for Kaitlyn as well.
"She'll always be free," Ana whimpered knowing that would be how life turned out. "There's not enough evidence to convict her with and we all know it's her word against mine." Looking to Grace, wide eyed and scared, Ana admitted one of her deep fears, "I'm scared I won't feel safe again, Grace."
Grace gave a small smirk, "Christian won't be letting her run free." She reached up and wiped Ana's tears away, "He will be fighting to get her put away and there are so many of us that want to protect you."
"They won't care anymore," Ana covered her old tears up with new ones. She sniffed heavily against them and tried in vain to stop them but, it was useless. The only people that hadn't abandoned her was Grace and Sawyer and Sawyer was here by obligation. "What have I done?" Ana asked and shook her head in absolute embarrassment. "I don't expect any of them to forgive me. I don't think I'll forgive myself but, I wish I had a do over button." Ana took a tight gulp, swallowing the lump in her throat, "I wish I had just walked out of the bedroom when you were there and introduced myself like I had planned to do so on so many occasions. Hell, I wish I had just given him more time to come out in public. This is my fault and it's always going to be."
"It is not your fault," Grace scolded Ana fiercely. "We don't ask for bad things to happen to us, Ana. They just happen. It's a way of life and it hurts as hell when it does but, there is a reason for everything but, it is not your fault."
"It's my fault he felt the need to hide a relationship, it's my fault we didn't tell our family, it's my fault I said my job would suffer, it's my fault for leaving that night and it's my fault for ever picking Christian and sticking with him," Ana just cried over and over again. "I just feel like this is meant to happen."
"Never think this was meant to happen," Grace reprimanded Ana for her choice of words. "Never think you have to be happy right now and never ever think you need to feel like you're at fault. Ana, I can only imagine where you are mentally but, I know what I'm thinking isn't even close. You lashed out and you're allowed to do so but, never think that your family would cut you out just like that. If they have enough rationality in them they will be back here." She could see Ana's doubt, "I will make that a promise for you but for now, I am going to go and call your parents and give them an update, okay?" Grace asked and saw Ana nod gently. "I know they left under the circumstances they did but, Ana they will be back. I want to see you getting some rest. You need it. Everything will look better in the morning."
Ana inwardly scoffed at that idea but, allowed Grace to start to leave. "Grace," Ana started and reached for Grace's hand, "Can you take everything that I could, you know." She didn't finish with words but, a shrug. "I'm scared of myself."
"Oh, sweetie," Grace dropped back to the mattress and took both of Ana's hands in hers, "I was taking them anyway because of the rules but, you admitting you're scared of the potential outcomes shows strength. Not many people who want to commit suicide ask for the means to do so to be taken from their reach. Believe you are strong, Ana and if you feel yourself struggling, you find me."
"I will," Ana remarked and she knew that Grace was causing damage control by ringing her parents and she couldn't see that going down well. Why would disowned parents want to know their nasty daughter?
Watching Grace take every suicidal weapon she could use, Ana sunk into the bed. She had killed every change she had of staying afloat in this world after pushing everyone away from her and she really did want to die.
Curling up in a tight ball, she held her pillow close to her face and just like her medically induced dream she screamed until she all but lost her breath and began to lose consciousness. This time however she was well aware of Grace coming back into the room just in time to push a button on the wall, yelling for help and saving her again.
Why was she worthy of a saving grace?