Chapter Thirty-Three - Aftermath
Clearing smoke,
Nursing wounds.
Count the dead,
Embrace the survivors.
I find it ironic that this ends with a funeral.
(What was 'this' anyway?)
Everything started with my Father's demise, his little package arriving with a letter that spelled out certain doom. I still wonder about his motivation, and I still grieve over his ignorance and weakness. It's possible that I never really knew him in the first place, but I digress.
This time I do not grieve. I am not trying to hide my tears, because I am crying. I'm not crying for the death of this man, though it certainly helps his family to think that I'm crying for him. His mother and little sister are wonderful people. I'm sure they would be severely hurt if they discovered I shot him three times.
Instead I am crying for the loss of possibility. I pity his soul, a soul tainted in blood. He was like me, he was like L – the three of us were, are, brilliant, but bored. We thrive on excitement and the thrill of adventure, that euphoria of adrenaline and a thundering heart.
If I grew up in different circumstances, would I have been a serial killer like him?
I can still taste his blood in my mouth, one whole month after that night on the side of the road. He was a demon in human skin. As his cold and lifeless body hidden away in that casket is lowered into the ground, I find a sense of peace washes over me. I've been given closure.
I wonder what the new age will bring us. I wonder what it will bring me.
Light's Death Note is cold against the skin of my stomach. Thanks to Ryuk's tip I was able to locate his murder weapon. I went to their house so that I could comfort his family before the funeral. They are under the impression that Kira killed their Light, and in a metaphorical sense this is true. Poor Sayu cried all over me, soaked my shirt through.
Mr. Yagami still watches me closely. I admire his strength through this ordeal. The Chief could very well be in denial, and I can't blame him for that. His inner turmoil is nearly visible, but he hides it very well. He's going to need serious therapy after this.
I think that he suspects me of many things, and it's true that I haven't been very honest. I only just got out of the asylum after many psychiatric evaluations and reevaluations. Between that was therapy sessions where different psychologists tried to talk to me about my problems, but what I really needed was not to talk, but to watch my adversary be buried. I was probably a real asshole to them, but they deemed me functioning.
They let me go this morning actually. I haven't seen anyone other than Light's family yet. I think the members of the Task Force that are here for the funeral are very surprised to see me, especially since they found me covered in his blood with a gun in my hand.
I have a lot of explaining to do, and I'll be happy to do it. This is a new age after all, with new rules and new expectations.
They begin to fill in the hole, sprinkling dirt on the casket that is Kira's final resting place.
Sitting on the tombstone, like a black angel, sits Ryuk. Kira's Shinigami (or is he my Shinigami now?) says farewell to his human in his own way, chuckling all the while. I wonder what's going through that clown's head.
On the other hand Vile lurks right behind me, and I can feel his breath against the top of my head while his clawed hands rest on my shoulders. He's almost protective, like my own Guardian of Death. It's ironic that he was also one to start and end this.
The heavens do not cry today.
It's been a while since I saw the steel surfaces of Headquarters. They're just as clean and shiny as they've always been. I feel nostalgic walking in here again after so long being away. After the ceremony ended Mr. Yagami requested that we go back to headquarters so that I may … ah, explain myself. He looked rather upset.
As we walk in everyone else looks over their shoulders and gives me incredulous stares. I don't think they expected me to be out so soon. I mean, who would? I attempted suicide, lit a building on fire and shot a guy multiple times. Anyone would expect me to be a little fucked up on the inside. Hell, I expected that I would be a little fucked up. I'm absolutely fine, which I suppose is concerning, but I've found my peace and closure.
However, I am incredibly relieved when I look at Panda Face and don't see any trace of resentment. We both watch each other's body language, trying to read what the other is thinking. Our eye contact doesn't break even when everyone starts asking me questions.
Oh, but he has so many questions.
I then smile and pull out Light's Death Note from under my shirt. Everyone falls silent, their eyes drawn to the notebook with a black cover and white words sprawled in ink. It even gives off an eerie aura.
"W-What's that?" Matsu whispers in horror, half-started towards the door. I guess he's toying with the idea of running now.
"I found this in one of Light's drawers. He had one hell of a set up; I nearly lit the room on fire because of it!" I say with a light tone and drop it on the desk next to Ryuzaki. L watches it with a morbid fascination before his gaze flicks back to me.
"How did you know where to find it?"
"Ryuk left me a tip."
"And who's Ryuk?"
"Touch the book to find out," I chuckle.
He taps it delicately as though he's afraid it might hurt him. As soon as he does this he cranes his neck to stare in surprise at the Shinigami half melted into the shadows on the other side of the room. L gapes at it before swallowing harshly. I think his reaction was better than mine when I first saw Vile.
"Is that a Shinigami?" he asks, and I nod, confirming his fears.
The others are shocked, and I explain the basic rules of the Death Note. One by one they touch it, and their reactions vary. For some of them it erases any doubts they had. For some it completely shatters what they knew to be true or false. Matsu just screamed.
"Ryuk, do you mind if they ask you a few questions? I'll give you an apple."
He grins toothily and agrees.
Their questions focus on what happened to Light. Ryuk gives them absolute proof of Light's guilt, not that they needed it after they heard his insane rambling as he tried to strangle me. There are still bruises on my neck, though they've faded with time. Mr. Yagami begins to cry again.
After they question him they turn on me, and I answer all their questions in great stride. I start from the beginning and explain everything, including my own reasons and motivations. They believe me, which is an immense relief. L is absolutely fascinated.
Eventually we all come to a consensus on what to do next. Publically Light is not Kira, but Kira is dead, without a shadow a doubt. It's certain that L and I are going to take the fall for this when Kira's supporters go rabid. Fortunately we have secret identities, so they won't be able to follow us home and bludgeon us in our sleep. That would scare me.
And as I fetch an apple from the fridge and feed it to Light's Shinigami, while the Task Force continue to plan out the details, I smile contently.
L and I watch intently as Mr. Yagami delivers his statement on the status of the Kira investigation. I don't think it's fair that he's the one to do it, but he insisted on it. That's probably his own way of letting go, to give himself the closure he needs. He's frayed, torn, but he continues to stand strong for his family if not himself. I admire that.
As soon as the Chief declares the case closed and Kira defeated, the reporters go haywire. The only reason Mr. Yagami isn't attacked is because we had the foresight to assign a few officers to be body guards. Even through the screen I can see that his expression is strained as he retreats inside the Police Station.
"We're going to have to send a public message," I note as we flick through the different channels to see different angles of the same event. Watari comes around the couch to set down two mugs of coffee and a bowl of sugar cubes.
"We can't release any sensitive information," L replies, leaning forward to add a handful of sugar cubes to his own mug. I watch from the corner of my eye.
"Though we can denounce him as nothing more than a serial killer," I add. He does not reply. After a minute of watching news casters speculate on the meaning behind Mr. Yagami's words, I say something that really hasn't been said yet, "I'm going to burn Light's Death Note."
L looks at me with wide eyes, "Burn it?"
I nod, "It's what I did with the Second Kira's notebook."
He looks surprised, as though he didn't know they could be destroyed. "I see," he mumbles before looking over his shoulder at Ryuk, who's been watching the aftermath the entire while. He's uncomfortable with the Shinigami's presence, which is completely understandable. I got used to it only because I thought I was going crazy, and by the time I knew I wasn't, I was already accustomed.
I give a snort and shake my head, "I'll take care of it. You just focus on damage control."
That seems acceptable to him.
During the time that I was locked away with the crazies, my two best friends moved out … together. This astonishes me.
I feel absolutely terrible that they were almost left behind in the excitement that the case brought. I was so absorbed in my work that I had little time for them. Because of the case they came to consider me a close friend, just as I consider them to be, and they were greatly hurt by my actions on the rooftop that night.
Today I came to somehow apologize and make up for what I'd done, but because of the shocking revelation that they were now roommates, I almost forgot what I'd come to do.
Basically I'd knocked on the door to Kakushin's apartment, and when Makoto answered the door, I asked him why he was there.
'I live here,' he said with a deadpan.
Fortunately I managed to come to my senses and requested to enter. So now I'm standing obtusely in the tiny little living room, trying not to feel awkward as hell. They're my friends after all, even though I hurt them probably beyond repair.
They're important to me. While I used to be a recluse, now I can't imagine not having them in my life.
"Kurai, what are you doing here?" I hear Kakushin say in surprise. Her hair is still wet from taking a shower, but she immediately puts down her cellphone to give her full undivided attention to me. I shift my stance while trying not to make eye contact.
You'd think talking with an introverted insomniac who has a ridiculous IQ would be harder than saying 'I'm sorry' to your best friend.
Makoto leans on the doorframe leading into the Kitchen, watching us, while Kakushin fixes me a questioning stare. I fidget, even though it's not polite, before I blurt out, "I'm sorry!"
To my utmost surprise and even horror Kakushin's expression turns stony. I feel my heart sinking into the recesses of my stomach as cold dread overcomes me. In five words she completely crushes my hopes, "I don't want your apology."
She then brushes past both me and Makoto to storm into the kitchen. Makoto jumps out of the way before he's run over by his angry roommate and subsequently me. My jaw has hit the floor and I can only stare after her as she angrily pours herself a glass of water. "W-What?!" I stutter.
"Don't give me a 'what'!" she barks and I flinch. "You don't seriously think that you can just come here with those puppy dog eyes and say 'sorry', and everything will be okay, do you?!"
"Kakushin I'm really –"
"Shut up! Do you have any idea what it's been like for us while you were off doing your stupid, crazy, dangerous shit?! I've been worried out of my mind! And you know what? You dragged us into this stupid situation, made us care about you, and then you try to kill yourself! What the fuck!"
I can only stare, shocked out of any sort of motor functions. I … I understand.
Shit.
"I'm so sorry, Kakushin … but can I at least explain?"
"You better," she hisses.
I look down at the floor before I deliver my one sentence explanation, "Light threatened to kill you."
"Really?" Makoto says, circling around me until he's standing next to Kakushin. Both stare at me as though I've turned blue.
I nod, "I don't think I'd be able to live knowing I caused your deaths. You're both very, very important to me. More than you know."
"God dammit," Kakushin growls, "Of course we know … I was just terrified." Now she looks sad, and soon enough she starts crying. Shit, what do I do, she's crying, she isn't supposed to be crying … "You can be a real bitch sometimes … and incredibly stupid. You should have come to us, or at least talked to L."
I shrug and nod, begging forgiveness through my eyes. "I probably wasn't thinking clearly."
"Damn straight! Next stop, asylum?" There's a touch of humor in her voice now, and I visibly relax.
"So are we good?" I ask.
She nods and smiles, wiping away the tears from her face.
The three of us continue to talk for the next couple of hours. We talk about the case, people we know, recent world news. I learn that the two of them have been dating for roughly a month, and that Kakushin relied heavily on Makoto after the stunt I pulled back in October. Eventually I get around to telling them about the night Light and I had our 'final showdown', and they can only gawk at me for a good five minutes.
We're back on good terms though, and while I can't promise them that I won't do anything stupid and reckless ever again, I am glad to have them at my side.
What would I do without them?
"I want to keep my memories."
Makoto, Kuru and I stare at a very determined Kakushin. Recently the topic of her notebook came to question, and since Kuru is about ready to leave (leaving Vile to my care), he explained that she would lose the memories regarding the Death Note if she gave up ownership.
"Are you sure, I mean, we went through some really weird shit because of it. You don't have to carry that burden," I say, frowning. We're sitting in a mostly abandoned park, while Vile is off doing god knows what in the trees. He's probably scaring cats, who for some reason absolutely hate him.
"It's not a burden to me. They're my memories, and while I've never been so scared in my life, it's part of who I am now," she explains, and I do not see the happy go lucky teenager from senior grade. Instead I see Kakushin as a young woman who is comfortable with whom she is, and ready to face this new age.
"Is there anything you can do?" Makoto asks Kuru, and the bear Shinigami watches Kakushin with a twinkle in his green eyes.
"Possibly."
"Really?" she delights, and I smile at her enthusiasm.
He nods, before instructing her to announce that she's giving up ownership of her Death Note. He places his large paw on her head as she says this, her eyes shut tightly in apprehension. Makoto and I watch with curiosity, both of us wondering what's happening.
When she opens her eyes she looks up at Kuru with obvious confusion, "Did anything happen?" she asks.
The Shinigami chuckles before taking a few steps back from her. "You no longer possess a Death Note," he says before everyone looks at me.
I nod, "I can see her lifespan now." It goes without saying I don't bother reading its value.
She nods and with a watery grimace she looks up at the Shinigami that has been her companion the past year. "Thank you," she says, before giving her best cloud-splitting smile. I bet that Shinigami would have blushed if he could.
"You're welcome," he says with that deep baritone, before he looks right at me. "Take care of Vile, he's a trouble maker."
"Don't I know it," I chuckle.
We all say our goodbyes before large skeletal wings sprout from his back, and he flies off into the distance, back to his homeland. The three of us breathe a sigh of relief before leaning back into the bench to just enjoy the rest of the day.
And slowly the world is on its way to recovery, as are we.