Music inspirations: Freelance Whales song Location. From their album Weathervanes.
Rating is M: These words of mine are for 16plus. Reasons.
Ownership: I don't own Glee or Dalton by CP Coulter. I do own Tay and Scott, my OC's.
This piece is a mixture of Tay thinking things through with ..., and sorting himself out. He's The Dancer of the band, Scott is the lead singer of the band. The Band's performance were a gift from Logan for Julian.
~ Missing Scott, Missing Finn Hudson ~
Tay needed closure, craved companionship and love from Scott. He's on the balcony of their apartment, enjoying the view of the surrounding city sites and the country edge in the distance. Glass of vodka in his left hand, leaving his right one to lean against the bannister. The balcony has lots of pot plants, Scott's lasting legacy. Flowers in bloom, bees feeding from them.
This is a nice drink, this is a lovely day, this is a lovely year, I think?
I'm not delusional, I'm fully aware of what's going on. This is me reacting to accepting that Scott has gone. And Finn has gone too, but not the same way. That guy I once thought of being like Cory Monteith from that show Glee. Same build, similar in so many ways. Just I didn't know Cory, never met him. You know being a big Hollywood celebrity and all that. Our band is big, but not in his league.
I met Finn through the Valentines party. Our band had performed there, as a favour for Logan. Another one of his gifts for Julian.
Finn was, can't use the past tense, is kind of the big lug everyone loves. Intimidating looking at first, then very supportive. Dopey, sort of, but not stupid. Big hearted, generous and I only met him once or twice, so everything I know of him, I've mainly got second hand from The Warblers and his McKinley High friends.
~ 0 ~
But now, I'm also having difficulties coming to terms with Scott.
I bought a condolence card for his family so long ago. I can't bring myself to write in it. If I do that, then it will be real. I'll have to accept that Scott has gone and isn't coming back. And the longer I put it off, well he hasn't gone then.
I thought I'd pushed so much down in my memory banks. Like the last time I spent with Scott. What he looked like, how wonderful he smelled. The warmth of his smile, the feel of his lips, his taste, the touch of his hands. His arms around me, so very tightly. Him calling out to me, kissing and cuddling, and calling out my name so many times. That comfy blanket, is all I have physically of that afternoon.
But when I start to fill in that card, the memories come to the surface and I feel I'm right back there.
When he was in the hospital, lying there so helpless with all those tubes and machines beeping. His feet, I lost count of the times I massaged them. God, I hate myself sometimes. I could, maybe, have not done it. I could have done more, couldn't I? Lord, why don't you talk to me like you used to? Yeah, I know you still do. I just don't want to hear you, I don't want to accept any of this.
Why can't time stand still? Why can't I wind back the clock, like the reverse in my car? Skip back a chapter or two, like the dvd player or music player.
Too much technology, none of it works when the power goes out. When you really want it to make magic, like a sparkling gavel, wave the rainbow wand. Sprinkle fairy dust here, there and everywhere. It just doesn't do stuffin' shit in reality.
Even that mega rich dude in Australia, that mega media mogul, even his family couldn't be saved from this bullshit.
Yeah I'm in denial. That's the first stage of grief, right?
~ 0 ~
The Church Minister's words were only so helpful and then he sounded like he was quoting a Glee Season ep thing, that show is so entrenched in my mind now. "We learn from the book of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 verses 1-8: To everything there is a Season, a time for every Purpose under Heaven: a time to be Born, and a time to Die; a time to Plant, and a time to Sow the harvest; a time to Kill, and a time to Heal; a time to Break Down, and a time to Build Up; a time to Weep, and a time to Laugh; a time to Mourn, and a time to Dance; ….
I understand that Scott was a Glee fan as well, which helped propel him to being his very best at singing and dancing and exceptional all round good guy. And he was greatly affected by the passing of his friend Finn, who also passed on to Heaven a few weeks before him. So if you don't mind, I've managed to integrate some Glee-speak as well in a really important message, if we can learn anything from their going?
None of us have the right to judge or criticize what has happened, it just did. All of us take a gamble with all that we do. Each day, if we are fortunate we eat and drink. One day, things don't blend well and God calls us to Heaven. We have been really fortunate to have Cory and the other Cast and Crew entertain us, educate us with all that music, acting, singing. ….." and he prattled on.
Wait did he actually talk of Cory? I must have drifted to la la land. He had been talking of Scott. We were there because of Scott, he was friends with Finn Hudson, not Cory Monteith. Jeez keep in touch with reality.
"Let you without sin, cast the first stone. We need to live with love and compassion. We need to bask in the beautiful radiating Glee-lights from the stage down to us in the audience. "
~ 0 ~
Tay sits in his favourite chair, as you walk onto the balcony, it is on the left, so his back is secure against the wall. Scott wouldn't dare sit there, no one would. Scott's was the second on the left. So they would be side by side.
He puts in some more ice, more vodka and raises his glass in a toasting fashion, to his newly formed imaginary Scott. "Cheers Scott, lovely day? What do you say we look forward to the future, accept the past, and enjoy the here and now? Forever?
You know what I want, for when I pass on to Heaven? Not too much sadness. I want you to remember all the good things. Get over me and keep living your absolute best. That's not too selfish of me is it? Well?"
Scott doesn't answer.
"Put this on the front of my condolence card: My world was secure. You came, a wonderful disruption. Then you left. My world is still secure. Ok? But I miss you. I really, really miss you Scott." Tay sniffs his tears. Scott still isn't answering.
"You know what Scott? It's always like this. I miss you as soon as I wake up. I miss you when I'm about to sleep. I wish you're always here next to me. Always. Just not in these moments. You know what I put on your memory plaque? Someone so far away, took a piece of my heart to heaven. Of course, I let everyone think it was someone so far away. Sounds more dramatic."
Scott still doesn't answer.
Tay thinks back to the first person who went, his Dad.
Successful now, Tay and Scott didn't come from the affluent life styles that they now entertained to. Their education was substandard. This influenced Tay in so many ways …..
Tay is certain of his self.
When his Dad died, he was devastated. They were very close and he was the nucleus in his orbit. For a while Tay wasn't eating well. He and Scott would argue a lot. His mind was racing and he was talking real fast.
Their doctor put him on some medication. But, he found the medication too numbing. He felt like he was held hostage in a body. When he found out the feelings he was experiencing may have been a side effect from the medication, he went to the doctor and they argued about coming off the meds. After a while he took control and went cold turkey, he learnt a different way to deal with the grief of losing his Dad.
Scott and Tay did some research, lots of reading and talking and learned about ways to live better.
They learned about correct foods and healthy living. They took more interest in the arts, science and religion, geography and even developed a love of maths. Maths lead to carpentry and designs.
One day Tay listened to one particular person and made a significant change in his life.
Tay and Scott paid more attention to how they were spending their days and nights. They learned to sleep well in as clean an environment as possible, eat and drink correctly. Stopped doing drugs. Stopped disregarding their diet, even caffeine laden foods/drinks and junk foods they gave up.
They learned to equalize overloading themselves with technology and noise. But when it came to performing, this actually improved dramatically. Their song writing, singing and Tay's dancing became so much better.
They started to enjoy peace and quiet times, enjoy music and colours around them.
Scott would believe that, occasionally, when things didn't seem how Tay liked, things would be better in the mornings. And they would have a fresh start to the day.
And before Scott would retire to meet Tay in their bedroom, he would make a wish on the first star he saw. Wish a dream so beautiful that his heart would feel so warm.
Then believe it would happen and when that dream does come true, their life would be even more than it was.
~ 0 ~
Scott never stopped believing. He knew what he could do to make 'it' possible.
Put aside and turn his back on the bullshit things that were holding them back.
He would recite a mantra to himself: You know what is possible, now do it. Then whisper 'OK'! And giggle to himself, 'cause he thought he sounded like Blaine.
Love to all and make our dreams come true
This is my prayer today.
~ 0 ~
And now Tay would wait for Scott to come to bed. He would wait a very long time. And while waiting, he'd dream of Reed. Oh, and Shane ….
Little Author notes from a cute little author: I'm not a psychologist. I felt inspired for this when someone reached out to me about ill health in their family.
If you feel overwhelmed with the issues you face, know that there are solutions to all problems.
Sometimes we are so upset that we lose focus and can't see the solution right now.
But it is there.
Take care and look after yourself.