Crisscross

Ghost

"Wake up," said a voice I did not know. "Wake up."

The metal below me was cold. Unrecognizable. A bright light pierced my closed eyes. I moved my arms to shield my face from the light.

"Wake up."

I did so not because I wanted to. I resisted completely. I did not want to obey my oppressor.

"Wake up!"

My optics online-d, and I could see the bright light, which reflected off my arms' armor. The color was dull. Dull. Faded. A silver white, which lay beneath black ghostly wisps that resembled the final smoke from a dead candle's flame.

"Wake up."

Why? Why should I?

My arms slowly fell down to my sides and my eyes adjusted. I was lying on the floor behind bars. I was in one of the brig's cells. A vehicon was on the other side. He was standing. He was unarmed. He controlled a terminal: The terminal, which controlled the bright light. I backed up against the wall. My back to it, I sat.

"Up."

"I don't take orders from a vehicon."

"We don't have time for this."

I crossed my arms and glared at him. I was determined not to move.

"Up, now."

I stretched out one of my arms, expecting to threaten the lesser drone. I glared.

"I will not ask another time."

My weaponry was gone. No clawed extensions to activate. No blaster to utilize. Nothing. I placed my feet below me and pushed through the air. No weaponry anywhere. My body electrified. Nothing.

"Come."

I wanted to rip him apart. Rip everyone apart. My weaponry was gone. They stole it. They cut it from my very frame. About much I wasn't sentimental, but this? I would kill for this.

The cage door opened.

"We're late."

He grabbed my arm. I jerked it away.

"Fine. Follow me."

"Where?" I spat.

"Megatron has requested your presence."

I'm going to kill him.

The vehicon walked out of the brig's entrance and I followed. Guards were posted periodically at every other door: Every logical escape path. I kept my eyes to the ground at first. I avoided their glances. I ignored my own shame. But, it was illogical to waste an opportunity by glaring at the ground. I raised my sight, and I counted my opponents. The math just wouldn't add up. Not in my favor. Ability activated, I would run out of energy before I would be able to get anywhere. The vehicon stopped in front of a door.

"We're here."

It opened. He stepped to the side.

"Go in."

I didn't recognize the location. I wasn't used to walking to places from the brig. He waited a few moments. I walked through the doorway. The door slid shut behind me.

It was a large room: A dark room: Very spacious: Mostly vacant. All except for a battered con in the middle: Commander Starscream. A voice boomed from behind a one-way glass viewing room. It belonged to Megatron. I knew where I was.

"Consider this training."

He continued to speak. But I blocked him out. I did not want to hear his prattle. It was anger that deafened me. Resistance in full: Failure to rest. My father's conditioning paid through. His words invaded my thoughts.

"Experiment... Fighting without weaponry... Damage the commander without letting him die—" work of the DJD "bringing him the most pain possible... and then you have my permission to finish him off..."

... And what if I refuse?

Brain running on empty. Body running on fumes. What meant to be a mental insult. Dropped more shame than I ever felt was possible to lose. My father was his most devout follower, and I— the Con who just said that aloud.

"Ghost," Starscream called out to me in a kind and defeated tone, "It's okay if you kill me. I have already accepted my fate. Just fight. It'll save both of us the pain of any alternatives."

...

"I'm not going."

"It is time for your next scheduled lab appointment."

"I'm not taking orders from a drone."

"We will not be late again."

"What? Are you going to stop me from doing nothing?"

"I have permission to transport you—"

"Unconscious? I think you're supposed to buy me a drink first."

"You will eat after your appointment."

"But, I'm hungry now."

"Stop delaying."

"I am not moving from this spot."

...

"Move, now."

"I'm too tired."

"Now."

"I don't have the energy. I'm all worn out."

"You have to—"

"Go train? I know the schedule. I've been locked into it too long to forget it."

"Then, you know that you have never successfully disobeyed it."

"I don't feel like training."

"Importance does not lie upon feelings."

"What is that, a non-scripted answer? I think you damaged my audio receptors with that one."

...

"Wake up."

"I'm not asleep."

"I know."

The pain kept me up.

"Get awake. We move in 10."

...

"You're not moving?"

"No."

"Training requires your participation."

Meaning awake.

"The ten is up, we move."

...

"Now."

...

"You must eat to regain energy."

Pain.

"Move your mouth, and eat."

...

"Consuming energon is in your best interest. For once, stop resisting and do as you are told."

...

I was silent for a long while. My body was too taxed to move, too tired to speak. My processor was still recovering. I didn't think unless I needed to.

...

"What harm comes from following orders?" He asked me.

Orders aren't just. I don't want to. Starscream was the only one I could relate to. Orders were the opposite. I didn't want to lose the last link I had to living.

"Can I take your silence as compliance?"

"I'm not doing it."

"If you do not comply, I have orders to—"

"I don't have the energy."

Not anymore.

...

Matrix

"Hey, where's that special help? Snowstorm? You there?"

"Sorry Matrix," The master strategist said, 'It looks like I'm no help to you'.

"Well f*ck."

"What's the situation?"

"Striker and Bee-bot have us pinned down, d*mn, with almost to no cover, and I think Arcee is going in for the kill."

"Shadow is not among them?"

"A vehicon troop went after her in the lower caverns but hell if I know what the f*ck is going on."

The signal failed.

Great. Just f*cking perfect.

I sat my back against the large rock, the only thing separating me from the enemy. I peered out from behind it. A laser whizzed past where my ear would have been. I ducked back.

F*ck.

Another energon mine lost. And this one was not my fault. If Heels even tried pining it on me this time, oh, I would make our base a living hell for him. That would be if Bucket-head believed him this time. Once I got back to base I reconvened with Hammer-time and Elf. We would not go down without a fight. Not while we could let someone else take the blame.

...

Shadow's POV

Jack rode Arcee into the hanger. Everyone had greeted them. More so excited today than usual. I walked over to the group. I noticed that another human was with him. Jack referred to this individual as his mother. I had seen the mother-son relationship many times in movies and TV. Jack had introduced her to everyone already. I did not want to interfere. I was nervous around new people.

Ms. Darby admitted, "I don't know about all of this." She turned to Jack and told him, "I don't know if I want you here, riding such a dangerous bike."

Tension was high. Most understood the insult. Some glared. Some ignored the statement. Some laughed. Correction. One laughed. Striker. It seemed to make the Jack-human tense up, and his guardian snarl. No one was happy. This was certain. If these were cons, the statement would have been a compliment, but the opposite version as an insult would've left someone very hurt. Agonizingly hurt. Having to go see the doctor hurt. The tension grew with silence. Anger replaced the air. All was jittering in anticipation to explode.

That's why I felt like I had to intervene. It's hard to explain, but I felt that Arcee would have objected harshly to that insult if she could. But, ruining her relationship with Jack's Mom would be bad long term, and ostracizing the human for an insult wasn't something I felt the team would like sitting on their consciences. So, I decided to earn some brownie points with Arcee and diffuse the situation simultaneously. I walked up and placed a servo on Arcee's shoulder.

I questioned, "Dangerous? She thinks this ten speed is dangerous?" I turned to the mother and said, "Trust me, Arcee is far too protective to be dangerous."

The mother asked me, "What do you know about danger? I work in a hospital, where people go when they are hurt, I don't want to see Jack end up there."

I could tell this mother cared deeply for Jack. I decided not to tell her about all the danger that I've seen. It did not help that Jack was gesturing for me to inform her of what I decided not to. Some part of me didn't want to absolve Arcee of being dangerous by stating myself as an extreme danger in comparison. Knowing my luck, the comparison would've horribly backfired, and the mom would remind herself of the danger I faced whenever she found out that her son went into the field. Miko runs out there a lot, and he follows her, and she likes to brag... Instead of getting more involved, I simply walked away.

Bulkhead turned to me and asked, "What? Can't handle an adult human female?"

I turned to him and responded, "I could if I wanted. But, she reminds me of a Predacon guarding Shockwave. I do not wish to get on her supposed bad-side."

I walked up to Ratchet's monitor. The other Autobot's continued socializing with Jack's mother. I continued inputting the codes for the Decepticon tracking beacons I knew. I was just about done; there were just a few more things I had to do before the system would be completed. Jack walked closer to me with his mother.

He caught my attention, "Shadow, you're too antisocial. You're going to miss what happened at my run in with MECH."

I turned around and faced the pair. I asked intrigued, "MECH? You mean the MECH that torched Breakdown's eye?"

Arcee confirmed, "The very same."

"Oh slag," Striker exclaimed, "You planning revenge, or what?"

Bumblebee nudged her on the shoulder.

"Hey, she's not a Con anymore," He beeped, "Remember what Optimus said?"

"All I'm sayin' is, teammates prep for revenge runs with other teammates. And what's better prep than gaining intel from a story?"

I joined the group. We were more or less huddled around Jack and his mom. Miko sat on Bulkhead's shoulder, and Raf stood next to Bee.

Jack started, "So, Mech had these electrical pulse beams that take out bots. They were also working with Airachnid. Anyway..." Jack went on and told his tale.

Personally, I would have given his story a 4/10. As soon as he told the part about calling agent Fowler for backup, I knew he was safe. Calling for backup is considered cheating in most rounds of a fight.

Alarms went off throughout the base. We walked over to the monitor. Ratchet pulled up the world map.

June asked, "What's going on?"

Arcee told her, "We picked up some Decepticon activity."

June was more confused than before. She continued to question Jack.

Ratchet exclaimed, "Wow. Four different Decepticon activity sites." He turned to me and complimented, "Your upgrade on the Con signal receptor may have worked too well."

Optimus asked, "Shadow, do these locations mean anything to you?"

I pointed to each location as I mentioned it, ordering each place by the amount of activity, "Energon mine, abandoned lab, abandoned energon mine, and explored crash site."

Optimus nodded. He assigned everyone a site, "Arcee, accompany Ratchet at the abandoned lab, Bulkhead and Striker you both should join me at the energon mine, Bumblebee you scout for energon at the abandoned mine, and Shadow, you go to the crash site."

Miko yelled, "Since Shadow's going to the least dangerous one, can I go too?"

"Least dangerous?" June questioned, "There is still danger involved? Why would you let any kid go into danger?"

Optimus explained, "There is danger in everything June Darby. For example: Any of us could simply trip and injure ourselves or the humans right here."

Jack added on, "Besides, Miko would try to sneak out on a mission anyway. It's best to have her go on the safest one."

June was unsure. She nagged, "I still don't think it's responsible. Who knows what could go wrong, or of the dangers involved?"

Annoyed, I said, "Ms. Darby, any human is extremely safe with me. I served as an elite member on a task force that dealt with some of the most intense, covert operations in the entire—"

"Hold on Shadow," Jack stopped me, "that's just about all the information my Mom can handle in a day."

Raf asked, "If Miko's going, can I go too? I love space related things."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," the doctor said. Ratchet reminded us, "We still need someone to stay here and coordinate."

Jack offered, "I can stay here with my mom. I know the systems more or less. I also think my mom would feel more safe if she saw how things were done around here."

Optimus complied, "That plan seems acceptable." He faced all of us and ordered, "This is primarily a scouting mission. If you meet resistance, gauge the risk, and then contact Jack. You may only engage without contacting Jack, if there is no question of possible risk or injury. Do you all understand?"

Everyone nodded. Jack started using the ground bridge to send bots to our locations. I was last. When it was my turn, Jack called to Miko and Raf.

Jack quietly asked them, "Miko, could you take some pictures to prove how safe a scouting mission is? Raf, make sure Miko doesn't do anything reckless. Call in if anything happens. Remember: if my mom thinks this place is dangerous, I might never be able to come back."

Both Raf and Miko complied. They nodded and ran back over to me. I transformed into my vehicle form and opened my awesome Lamborghini doors.

Miko yelled, "Shotgun!" and slid into the passenger seat. Raf looked at Miko like she was an idiot. He walked around to the other side and got into the driver seat. I revved my engines. I was completely convinced that this vehicle form was the coolest.

Jack activated our portal. I accelerated and raced through.

When we exited the ground bridge, the humans got out and I transformed. We were hidden behind the site by a mound of dirt. I walked to the edge of our cover and stealthily looked out at the area surrounding the crashed ship. It was occupied by Cons.

I shook my head and turned back to Raf and Miko. I whispered, "Not good guys. This is not good."

Raf asked, "What's wrong Shadow?"

I answered, "The system wasn't exactly accurate. I think the Cons were redirecting some signals to displace activity."

Miko questioned, "So, how was the machine thingy wrong?"

I informed them, "The scanner said this site would be empty. In reality, it has three vehicons, Knockout and Breakdown."

"How exactly could the Decepticons' fool the scanner?" asked Raf.

I explained, "There are tracking signals and signal beacons. Signal beacons are difficult to pick up. That's what the old system was based off of. I upgraded it to find the tracking signals. But, tracking signals can go two ways. You can turn off your end that's sending the signal, or the other end that tracks the signal. If I had finished, we wouldn't be tricked like this."

Raf understood the concept and nodded. Miko understood that I'd be fighting Cons and excitedly nodded.

Miko exclaimed, "So you're going to be fighting some Cons then!"

Raf asked, "Wait Shadow... If you could upgrade the scanner to track Cons, would MECH be able to do the same with Arcee... or Breakdown?"

"It's two ways," I said, "so only if he did not disable it." I face palmed. That idiot was as bright as Bulkhead. There was no way he turned off his tracking beacon.

Miko said, "So he didn't do it."

"It's very unlikely."

Everything was silence. I tried to think.

Raf said, "Jack doesn't want his mom to know of possible dangers. Should we call it in?"

Miko cried, "No! Optimus said that we should gauge the risk. Shadow can totally take those guys! There is no way we're going to get hurt with Shadow protecting us."

I sighed, "Fine. But, if something goes wrong, you contact Jack and ask for a groundbridge."

Miko saluted, "You got it Shadow!"

"Optimus said we could only engage without contacting Jack if you were completely sure," Raf said. "Do you even have a plan?"

I submitted, "I'll contact base." I put a finger next to my audio processor and tried to create a link. It wouldn't work. I told the kids, "I can't contact base: some signal is messing with my system. Miko, could you text jack to see if that works?"

Miko got out her phone. She read as she typed, "This is a test. Everything is fine."

Raf reminded her, "Miko, you forgot to tell him about the Decepticons."

Miko ignored Raf, she exclaimed, "Doesn't matter." She looked up to me and asked, "Shadow, what's this plan of yours?"

I replied, "First, I'll sneak to the site. Next, I'll take out the vehicons. Then I'll drop Breakdown. Finally I will knock out Knockout."

Miko was excited. She screamed, "Yeah! That will be so cool!"

I could tell Raf was fine with it. He was on the same wavelength as Miko.

I moved to the tree line. While the cover of trees protected me, I crept around the site. I was almost upon the enemy. They had not seen me yet. It seemed like they were looking for something. I activated my mask and drew my swords. I wanted to knock these guys out, not end them.

I ran up to the closest vehicon, I hit his pressure points and slashed him. The first vehicon fell unconscious. I sprinted to the next one. The enemy had seen me coming and had begun firing. I dodged his lasers and lunged at the Con. I slashed at his side, and then his head. The vehicon fell. Breakdown rushed at me. He forced me towards Knockout. I dodged Breakdown's swing by back flipping near Knockout. The Doctor tried to strike me with his energon prod, but I dodged. I was blocked between Breakdown's hammer and Knockout's prod. I allowed both Cons to draw in closer. Breakdown ran at me. I rolled out of the way. Breakdown ran into Knockout's prod. Breakdown fell. The last vehicon continued to shoot at me. I ran to him and cut his blaster in two. Then, I slashed at the vehicon's side. He flew into Knockout, and was down. Knockout had dropped his prod. I rushed the doctor. I swiftly slashed at his legs. He fell. Using the butt of my swords, I struck Knockout's head. The doctor was taken care of. I sheathed my swords and raised my mask. I saw Miko and Raf cheering in the distance. I started to walk towards them. As I got closer, I heard a whizzing noise. I turned my head, but it was too late. A hockey puck sized object struck my arm. I felt excruciating pain as I was engulfed in a field of electricity. Everything went dark.

...

I heard Breakdown yell, "Wake up!"

I opened my optics. A drill was aimed for one of them. I quickly activated my mask. The drill hit my mask's protective lens. Shockwave personally made me this along with my heavy armor. I knew it could withstand blades and lasers. I swiveled my head and observed my surroundings. Breakdown and I were lying down next to each other. They had already started to cut into Breakdown's armor. We were both restrained. In front of us, Silas stood on a raised platform.

Silas called, "Female, you are awake."

I turned my head towards Breakdown and addressed my friend, "Thanks Breakdown." I ignored the human and asked, "Did you know Airachnid turned down the opportunity to kill this guy, for information?"

Breakdown replied, "She must have had a good reason."

Silas interrupted us, "Ahem. You must be wondering why you are both here."

Breakdown yelled, "How sweet! You wanted a rematch!"

A MECH soldier responded, "You won't feel so high and mighty when—"

Silas stopped him. He stated coldly, "Breakdown, our last session was cut short by an unfortunate circumstance. You are here so that we may collect any final pieces of data and finish the job."

Breakdown gulped. He struggled to break free from his restraints. His thrashing did nothing but expend energy and create noise. I decided to save my strength and think of a way out of this. The MECH surgeons started trying to cut into my armor.

Silas asked me, "You there, do you have a name?"

I did not answer. I calmed myself and searched the room for something- something to help me escape- my sight stopped on a pair of insects. They darted around the room very quickly.

Breakdown answered, "My friend here, she's the Shadow of Death! She will kill you, your goons and destroy this place!"

I noticed that the larger of the two insects was faster. That didn't make much sense to me. The lighter one should have won. The insects reminded me of Arcee and I. I was faster, yet larger. I remembered that Shockwave had installed boosters near my feet for added propulsion. These allowed me to be faster than Arcee.

Silas spoke, "Well, Shadow of Death. You are here because you are an enigma. We have collected that your species can transform into a vehicle that either drives or flies. You; however, can transform into two vehicles, a jet and a car. On top of this, you are one of the few females of your kind that we've seen. In dissecting you both, we hope to unlock the secrets of your species."

My pride in human vocabulary overcame me. I corrected, "You mean vivisect."

Silas questioned, "What?"

I answered, "Dissecting involves cutting apart a dead thing. We are living. Cutting apart a living thing is known as vivisection."

Breakdown asked, "What difference does it make whether the thing is dead or alive? We are getting cut into either way."

I warmed my boosters. I calculated the power I would need to escape my restraints.

I informed Breakdown, "Alive things can fight back."

I transferred 97% of my energy into my boosters and flew backwards, ripping my restraints out of the ground. I stood and drew my swords. In the amount of time it took for me to slash Breakdown's restraints. Silas had gotten away. I transformed into my car mode. I fully intended to flee.

I smugly asked Breakdown, "Are you coming?"

Breakdown transformed into his jeep mode. We drove towards the exit.

Breakdown wondered, "You could have killed Silas. Why did you free me instead?"

I responded jokingly, "I am almost hurt you had to ask that. You have fought alongside me for how many centuries? Don't you know me at all?"

Breakdown countered, "I know that your first priority was usually the safety of your teammates. But, we're not exactly teammates. We're on rival teams."

We were almost to the exit. I could see the light from outside. I stopped, transformed, and backed against the wall. Breakdown transformed as well.

Breakdown said, "Shadow, the exit is right over there! Why are you stopping?"

I reminded him, "Remember before? There is probably an army of MECH cars, helicopters, and other weaponry out there."

Breakdown nodded, "What now?"

Okay, good question... What should I do? I don't know, I ussualy just bust into places swords slashing. But, for some reason, I don't think that's a good idea this time. It didn't work last time. What didn't I do last time? What saved us last time? Backup. Fragging backup.

I answered, "We both call our teams. Which ever team arrives first—"

"Wins a cup of energon and the title of 'best save', " he jested. Breakdown always knew how to diffuse the severity of a situation.

Breakdown called Knockout: I called the base.

Jack picked up. He asked, "Shadow, what happened?"

I replied, "To sum it up: MECH happened. Can you send a team to my coordinates?"

Jack answered, "Immediately. Arcee and Ratchet went to help Optimus, Bulkhead, and Striker. Is Bumblebee enough?"

I replied satisfied, "Yes, as long as you keep a ground bridge open for transport."

Breakdown looked disappointed. I guessed his help wasn't going to arrive first.

Jack said, "Shadow, there's a problem. I can't place a ground bridge exactly at your coordinates; however, I can put it as close as a mile away from where you are now."

"Thanks Jack," I ended the call.

Breakdown said, "My teammates are either in the Med Bay, or in battle at an energon mine."

"Breakdown, Bumblebee's almost here. All we have to do is avoid any beams or disks."

Breakdown pounded his fists together. He playfully teased, "Betcha I can take down more of MECH than you."

I started to walk towards the exit, swords in hand. Breakdown followed me.

I looked at my friend. I requested, "How about you go ahead and use your laser? I want to make a grand entrance."

Breakdown caught my intent. He turned around, aimed at a power source we had passed and fired. We ran out into battle, explosion trailing behind us. While MECH focused machine gun fire on the both of us, they fired the electrical beams at me. It was a muddle of dodging, deflecting and redirecting force at their troops. Minutes later Bee drove into sight and fired at MECH. I transformed into my car form and sped to his position. Breakdown and MECH followed. The three of us drove to the groundbridge. Breakdown transformed back into his robot-humanoid form. I stopped. MECH was hot on our tail.

"Breakdown!" I yelled, "What are you doing? MECH's right there!"

Breakdown turned to me and said, "I can't join you. I hope you're happy with the Autobots, but that's just not me."

Agh!

I looked back at Bumblebee. He was hastily waiting next to the portal. I called to him, "This will only take a moment."

I opened a personal COM link to Megatron. This of course, would only work if he were not on the Nemesis. Lucky for me, he was not. I said, "Megatron. I will be at this location for the next minute and 30 seconds. Breakdown needs help. We are being pursued by MECH. I am not well equipped to fight this battle. I will leave in 1:05."

I ordered Bee, "If anything happens, get me through that portal."

MECH was extremely close.

I turned back to Breakdown and informed him, "MECH's tracking your signal. You should turn it off."

MECH had caught up. 50 seconds left. They fired upon us. Bumblebee and Breakdown fired back. I could do nothing but deflect fire with my swords and hope that I hadn't been deceiving myself about the Lord of the Decepticons for the last half of my life.

A groundbridge opened in the sky. Megatron flew out in his cybertronian jet form. He fired at MECH and took out some of their forces. Megatron landed next to me.

My former Lord asked, "If I defeat their forces within the time limit. Can we talk?"

I nodded and responded, "All of them, then we'll talk."

Megatron took off in a rage. Everywhere MECH fell. But as I had calculated, there were too many forces for him to defeat. Megatron was so focused on defeating the troops that he had ignored the helicopters. I noticed Silas's chopper was charging its beam cannon. The weapon was pointed at the unsuspecting leader of the Decepticons. 15 seconds left.

I ran and transformed into my jet form. I flew towards the airspace surrounding Megatron. In its last moment of charging: midair, I transformed and pointed my swords towards the two helicopters surrounding Silas's. The weapon fired, but missed its intended target. The beam struck my metal; some was redirected, causing the two helicopters to disable. I was losing consciousness quickly. 10 seconds left. The last thing I remember was falling.

...

Megatron's POV

Shadow had protected me from certain doom. She crashed against the ground near me. She did not move, neither did the humans' flying vehicles that had been stricken by the beam. How dare they! If they had caused her a single injury, I would end all of them! I fired my plasma cannon at all of the MECH automobiles. My energy was depleting rapidly. I drew my sword and decimated anything I could get close to. 2 seconds left. I looked back at my beloved Shadow. The Autobot scout was dragging her back to their ground bridge. I had almost completed our agreement: but it was impossible. The flying unit that had fired upon my sparkmate had fled.

...

Shadow's POV

I opened my optics. I was back on Ratchet's medical berth. I got up slowly. The other Autobots and humans were standing around the main area.

Ratchet yelled, "What were you thinking?!"

I calmly answered, "I don't know what you mean. Nothing happened to Bumblebee, Miko, or Raf. All of my actions were within protocol. I did nothing wrong."

Besides, I saved Breakdown... Again. Ha!

Ratchet yelled, "You were in critical condition! You were powered down for three days!"

Optimus lectured, "This is why we call for backup. Fighting enemies alone can lead to serious injuries."

I tried to calm the tension. I explained, "I didn't gain any damage from battle. My critical condition was caused by a massive energy loss. It was necessary to secure my and Breakdown's safety."

Optimus sighed. He expounded, "Shadow, you are a part of this team now. You are just as important as any other member. You have to avoid injury in the future."

"Especially injury caused by stupidity," Striker muttered, "You're an Autobot now, stop saving the Cons, kay? No more old routine."

Ratchet said, "You have to take into account the difference in equipment between us and the Decepticons. If it weren't for the energon we recently acquired, you might not be awake right now."

Ratchet was right. I didn't fully understand my situation. As an Autobot, I couldn't be as reckless. We had much less energon, limited supplies, and other differences, none of which were in our favor.

I walked towards my room. I did not respond to anyone. I could tell Optimus was concerned. I did not pay it any mind. I couldn't get something out of my head. Breakdown and I were on rival teams. I helped him without hesitation. The most I could do to a Con was knock him out. I'm an Autobot now, but wasn't acting like it. What's wrong with me?

"Shadow?" Optimus called out from behind me.

"Yes?" I stopped. I turned around to face him.

"Where are you going?"

"My room."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I guess it's just habit."

"Habit for you to go to your room?"

"Habit for me to distance my self from those around me."

"Why would you do that?"

"I don't know."

Optimus walked up to me.

"Shadow, you don't have to create distance."

"Sorry Optimus, but I feel as if it's necessary."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I guess that I just feel like a disappointment. I try to do something but..."

"You don't think it's good enough."

"Like I'm trying to live up to an unrealistic goal. I try and try, but I can never be good enough."

"But, why create distance?"

"Every self failure I view, the gap between my self image and the unreachable goal increases. This makes me view my self as lower. After a failure, my image is so low, that I view it as pulling down those around me. So, I isolate my self as to not place a burden upon others."

Megatron was fine with that. Decepticons live very solitary lives. Except for the teams. They were different.

Optimus was silent. I became silent. I felt bare in front of him: completely exposed. But, I knew Orion, if it weren't for him, I would be in my room right now.

"I'm sorry for unloading all of this information on you. I just felt comfortable to do so, and so I did."

"You do not have to apologize Shadow. It is an honor to be a haven of comfort for a friend."

Teammate.

I didn't like it that he called me a friend. I felt like I didn't deserve it. Like I had to live up to the title somehow, and I was already failing.

More silence. I nodded and turned to exit. I travelled a few paces closer to solitude before I felt a servo on my shoulder. Optimus turned me to face him.

"You don't have to be alone."

"I don't deserve company."

"Why not?"

"I have done far too many things -unredeemable things- to deserve company."

"I'm here to listen."

"Why?"

"You remind me much of many others."

"Why? Who were they? What happened to them?"

Scrap it! Just stop. Stop it me! Let it go! Just, let it go.

"Many died, one leads the Decepticons, and one stands here before you."

"I don't know how to respond to that."

"Tell me what ails you, and I will try to help."

"Are you sure you want to help me?"

"I will try my best to help any friend."

"Well, the irredeemable begins with... are you really sure you want to listen?"

"I am certain."

"Okay then. It all started a long time ago: before the war long time ago. My family wanted one thing, to stay out of the war, and I didn't want that. I had to be stubborn and thick headed. I wanted to fight for what I believed to be right. So, I faked my death and joined the Autobot ranks. I joined the war because I didn't want others to fight a battle for me."

"For you?"

He really doesn't recognize me.

"I was an activist before the war. It's complicated, but I was one of the creator's of the Autobot party. An idealistic creator, I wrote certain things, and inspired others to take certain actions."

Decepticons created, then the Autobots were created to oppose the force.

"So then, you must have known the high council. The original Autobots were recruited by the council to form an army in order to combat the Decepticon cause."

"Yes, you could say I knew them... Anyway, I caused great pain to my family. They died trying to stay out of the war, I 'died' in order to get into it."

"I'm sorry for your loss. I have had many of my friends die because of the war. No offense to you, but I do not see how your actions are irredeemable. I want to listen to the rest of your list, no matter how long, and explain to you how you are redeemable afterwards."

"Why would you do such a thing?"

"Many of my friends have had awful fates thrust upon them because they had no one to listen to their ailments and help them through difficult mental crutches. I believe that I can save you from a similar fate. As a Prime, I have to try my best to save everyone."

"Striker calls you a martyr."

"If I had simply listened before to some of my friends, they would be here with me now. I believe that by helping you, I will be able to help myself."

"Well Optimus, if you ever want someone to listen, I'm here for you."

"Thank you Shadow. I appreciate your words. You can continue if you want."

"Yes, let's see... I joined the war because of idealistic reasons. I wanted to fight for what I thought was right, just, morally sound, etc. I nearly died on the battlefield. I should have died on the battlefield, but that was when Megatron saved my life. My second irredeemable action is when I betrayed my ideals and switched sides. Every action past that point benefitted the side I had sworn to defeat. The side that had murdered my family."

"Why did you stay with the Decepticons?"

"At first, I had given up on the Autobots. They had left me for dead, and I was grateful that Megatron had saved me. Holding a grudge, and feeling guilt, my loyalties shifted. The Decepticons took me in, treated me well, far better than I had ever been before. How could I betray them?"

"You're an Autobot now. Do we not treat you better?"

"Better back then was all in the sense of importance. To my family: I was nothing more than a backup, an embarrassment when compared to my siblings. To the Autobots: I was nothing more than a sacrificial pawn. But to the Decepticons: I mattered, I was special, and I had a place to call home. I stayed at first, because I traded in my ideals for a sense of belonging. I stayed past that because I had grown accustomed to my comrades and did not wish to disappoint or betray them. My guilt of course did grow to a point where I could no longer completely betray my ideals. So, I talked to Megatron."

"You spoke to Megatron about idealistic differences? What did you say?"

"I told him that before the war I was an activist against the governmental structure, for the rights and freedoms of all. I said that I joined the Autobots because I preferred a peaceful means to realizing my hopes instead of war. That's what caused me to join the Autobots instead of the Decepticons. I told him that I was feeling guilty that I had betrayed my moral conscience in the struggle to realize my goal."

"How did he respond?"

"He explained to me that I was valuable to his team and that he didn't want to see me go. Then, he reemphasized the life debt I owed him as a means to force me to stay. Next, he explained to me his reasoning for taking violence as opposed to peace. He admitted that he wasn't entirely sure what to do in the sense of creating a new societal structure, after he overthrew the old governmental system. I threw him some of my ideas that had I previously advocated for. He said that my ideas had something to them. He promised me that if I gave him my word that I would full-heartedly fight for him -despite any guilt I might have for doing so- He'd listen to any moral judgment calls I wanted to make regarding peace, especially once the war was won."

"And you believed him?"

"Irredeemable actions. I fought for the Decepticons Optimus. I fought for the side that destroyed our home planet and threatens this one."

Silence.

"I don't think they're irredeemable," Optimus said. "If that was true, you would have stopped searching for a means of redemption a long time ago."

"Thank you Optimus. But to me, nothing's that clear. I feel kind of bad for having just thrust some of my mental struggles upon you. I'm here if you want to say anything back to me."

"Yes, that. If that is what you wish."

"I only mean to help. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to."

"I do feel comfortable. I will start from the beginning."

"I'll listen to every word and promise not to judge."

"Thank you..." he looked into my eyes, almost as to make sure he could trust me. He looked away, and then back again, "I was not always a Prime," he said. "Most of my problems stem from there. When I became one, certain memories became harder to access and others faded altogether. Those I do remember are both difficult for me to recount, and cause me some grief. As I have said before, I was not always a Prime. I used to be an archivist whom mentored under Alpha Trion at the Iacon Historical Archives. I was isolated and did not have many friends. Those I did have, I latched onto and took for granted. The three friends I spent my time with were also the three friends I let down. Megatron was one of them. He was also like a mentor to me: Like a brother. He was a political activist and gladiator at the time. I learned much for him, but he was plagued by much deeper problems of which can I still only guess."

"He felt weak because of his lower class position. He craved both power and respect because of certain events in his tough upbringing and difficult job."

"Yes, those. How did you know that?"

"Megatron and I spent a lot of time together and got to know each other very intimately. We exchanged incredible amounts of information with each other. What I just told you, minus the 'what I told him' part, I never told Megatron. Just for clarification."

"Thank you Shadow. If you were only I, it is possible this war would have never happened. Those problems that plagued Megatron, I remembered sensing that something was wrong, but I never asked. I never offered an audio processor to him. If I had known his deep desire for power and respect was routed in an underlying feeling of weakness -something I had guessed but was never certain of- I could have made a difference. I could have helped him rather than letting him slip away and let those desires grow stronger. If I had just been there for him, if I had just asked, all of this, all these deaths, everything related to this war could have been avoided."

"It wasn't your fault," I said. "The war wasn't your fault. The Decepticon party, originally, had more leaders than just Megatron. Remember the Fallen? He used to lead the party before Megatron took complete control."

"Thank you Shadow, but I still let him down. The worst part was that he was not the only one whom I failed. I also failed Alpha Trion, my other mentor. Alpha Trion led the Autobots before I became a Prime, during the early days of the war. It wasn't until much later that I would become a Prime and lead the Autobots. Alpha Trion was a great leader: Greater than I could ever hope to achieve. While I was off leading, I left his facility open to an attack. I failed him. He died alongside his men, and it was entirely my fault. I didn't help him. If I had simply put more troops or spent more of my energy listening to his advice, he wouldn't have perished."

"I am sorry for your loss. Alpha Trion was a great cybertronian. No matter what outcome, I think he would have be proud to see you as you are now."

"Thank you Shadow... My third friend shared a similar fate to Alpha Trion. I was not there for her, not when she needed me to be. Talking to you, I realize that now. She never burdened others. She was always morally upright and much like you; she never showed any indication of trouble. She was an excellent femme whom I looked up to. All of my short comings, I could see her pushing through. She had many traits, which at the time I lacked, and I truly believe that she should have become a Prime instead of me. She never wanted the position; she denied any and all opportunities to obtain power. Instead, she advocated that I become Prime. Her father was in the high council, so she was the one who made it possible for Megatron and I to meet with the council. Of course, it was there that the council decided that I should become a Prime, so I owe that to her. Although her father was on the council, she would never be able to ascend to that position. This was because she was not born first. She was taught to shy away from power, as to ensure that she would not try to usurp her brother. I never caught this. I never asked. She died between me being selected as the next Prime and me actually becoming a Prime. She died alone, in the royal palace. At the time I was with Alpha Trion, he was teaching me different lessons before I went through the ceremony of becoming a Prime. She kept on contacting me, requesting that I visit her. She really wanted to relay certain pieces of information to me. I was busy with my mentor. I had failed Megatron and was determined to do everything in my power to fix my past mistake. So, I ignored her. She was killed in an early Decepticon attack. She was trying to protect the others at the time, because she valued their lives over her own. If I had been there, I could have saved her."

"I am sorry for your loss Optimus. You talked a lot about the femme."

"She was my dearest friend."

"I wish I could have met her. She sounds valiant."

"Yes. You two would have gotten along well."

Is your memory really worse than mine? Vector sigma. The same result.

"What is past is past. I am here for you Optimus. I am truly sorry for your losses. But, I think the best way to honor those who rest with the Allspark, is to move on to create a better future."

"Yes. I completely agree."

Silence.

"Thank you. I have had that in me for a while. It is nice to be able to as the humans say 'get it off of my mind'."

"Chest. Get it off your chest. That's the expression... and, me too."