A/N: Pics & vids are up on my blog and my FB group
I knew there was no avoiding it today…Dr. Brandon wanted me to talk more about when I was a kid. We had spent the first part of our session going over what was in my notebook, discussing my purchases and why I bought things. Apparently, I had a habit of buying stuff whenever I felt sad, lonely, depressed…basically any negative emotion.
Dr. Brandon said we would work out the source of my negative feelings and find healthier ways for me to deal with them.
Which led us back to the unfinished topic from last session…my childhood.
"Are you ready to talk about it now Edward?" Dr. Brandon asked. "You don't have to give me all the details now, but you do need to talk about it. It's clear by how you avoid it, that there is something in your childhood that is linked to your hoarding behavior. If you want me to help you, we need to sort through all of it, a little at a time."
I nodded my head, knowing she was right. I was tired of living the way I was. I was tired of knowing I would never be able to find a wife, have children of my own with the way my life was now…and just the thought of a wife and children conjured up images of Bella in my mind. How I would love to find someone like her…but right now…that was an impossibility.
"My parents…my biological parents were named James and Victoria. James, from what I can remember, had a wandering eye and when I was five, left me and my mom for good. He was the only one with a job, and he barely made any money as it was, so when he left, Victoria really didn't have any money to support us. Eventually, my teachers noticed the dirty clothes I wore and the fact that I usually didn't bring a lunch to school and called CPS. They took me away from Victoria when I was eight. I stayed in foster care…in a group home until Mom and Dad took me in as a foster kid."
Dr. Brandon kept jotting down notes as I spoke, and I could feel my discomfort with talking about all of this starting to get out of control. I never really even spoke about everything with Mom and Dad, so to talk about it now was making my skin crawl. I could feel my credit card burning in my pocket, my fingers itching to dial some toll free number to make a purchase. God, I was so fucked…I couldn't even get through my therapy sessions without wanting to buy something else to add to my hoard.
"I uh…I don't want to talk about that anymore today…please," I said to Dr. Brandon, hoping she would let it go for now.
"That's fine Edward. Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I know it wasn't easy. We'll talk a little more about it next week okay?"
I nodded my head, grateful to not have to delve any further into my past today.
Dr. Brandon saw how on edge I was and walked me through my breathing exercises and relaxation techniques, before bringing our session to a close.
"I know today was difficult Edward, but you did really well, and I would really like you to try to not give in to the urge to buy anything new today okay? Keep using your relaxation techniques, and journal about your thoughts and what you are feeling. Call me if you need anything, no matter what time it is. I'll give you a call on Tuesday after your session with Bella to check on you okay?"
"Okay," I muttered, before leaving her office, hoping but not knowing if I could resist the urge.
I guess the hoping didn't do me all that much good, because as much as I tried, I couldn't resist. I tried to just sleep, tossing and turning for almost three and a half hours that night before finally giving in. In the end, I found myself going on a bit of a buying frenzy, ordering myself 3 sets of the Schticky, and 2 sets of the Love Your Lobes earring support system. I guess though, in a small way, it was still progress since I wasn't buying in such a large quantity as I usually would.
As instructed, I wrote about the purchases in my journal, and then finally, after feeling the anxiety start to fade, drifted off to sleep.
A/N: Chapter 10 will post tomorrow...and we'll get to see more of Bella then.