What was it about him back then and the years to follow? Every time I saw him through the years happy something was set off in me. It was really bad when I saw him happy with others. As the years went on it eventually came on in the names I called him and the not so gentle shoulder bumps in the halls. Anything to wipe that spark from his eyes. I told myself it was because he was a nerd and that is how it works. Jocks pick on nerds. The circle of life and all that shit.
He doesn't lift his head as I enter, doesn't give any sense that he knows I am even in the room. He has to know I'm there I'm not silent the chair creaks as I sit, I clear my throat. Just as I thought this interview was over before it started. A year ago I probably would have flipped him off and stormed out. Hell of a thing about therapy though. Sometimes that shit works. So I sit there and wait. I watch him. Take the time to try and fathom how this man came to be.
He was always the smallest of our age group. He was always thinner, smaller, pale. But if I admit it to just myself he was always beautiful. And that hasn't changed. Now though he is filled out, tan with a strong jaw line that leads to a corded neck.
I wish he would look up, I want to know if the sparkle is still there or are they dull and gray. I used to love to see the gray appear. Now I pray for blue.