It's the night after the engagement party. The party has ended and all the guests have gone home. Syed isn't ready to turn in yet.
~s~c~
I wonder where he is right now, what he's doing… I glance at the clock. 2 a.m. I stare at my single bed. I'm sure he's found some bed to do anything but sleep in. Or maybe he has found someone to keep him company in that big bed of his. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. That's what you wanted isn't it? I mock myself. No. Never what I wanted. It's what I needed. I needed to push him away from me, so that I could finally have some peace of mind. Well, that worked out great didn't it? I shake my head at my own stupidity. Peace of mind, yeah right. I'm right back where I started. Thinking about him. Obsessing over him. Longing for him.
I've been sitting here, brooding, on the uncomfortable wooden chair that stands beside my bed. Still dressed up, alone in my room, staring in the dark. The party ended hours ago. The house is quiet, everyone's asleep. Everyone but me. I got engaged tonight. Engaged. To Amira. Everyone is happy about it. We make such a lovely couple. Love's young dream… That's what he called us. No one knows how much of a lie that is more than he does. I sigh and let my head rest in my hands.
The proposal was done on impulse. After that night, I felt so… vulnerable. When it's just me and him, he can make me do anything. Anything. And I'll thank him for it.
I needed for us to never be alone together again. I needed some kind of buffer. People around us… between us. I never really thought about what it would mean, being an engaged man. I just needed to stop him. Or better yet, stop myself.
I get up and study myself in the mirror. My eyes have gotten used to the dark. The image is dark and dim, but clear enough for me to see. I raise my hands to my hair and ruffle it. Thank god. I quite like wearing traditional clothes every now and then, but I hate the neat and tidy hair that seems to come with it. It just doesn't feel right. Like it isn't me. I smile approvingly at my now slightly scruffy reflection. Much better.
I glance over my shoulder at my single bed again. It looks so… tiny. I've been reluctant to get into it tonight. Because it's not the bed I want to get into. That bed is standing in the middle of Christian's apartment. I giggle as I picture that big, strong, beautiful man, cramped up in my tiny little bed. I bet his feet would stick out. I smooth the sheets fondly. A soft smile curls my lips. But that smile freezes on my lips as I remember…
~s~c~
'You shouldn't have come' I told him.
We got into an argument. He tried to reason with me, but he has no idea. Parts of it rang true though. About Amira. He told me she loves me very much. I know that. I want to love her back, isn't that enough? But deep down of course I know it isn't. It didn't matter though. None of it mattered. I needed to get him out of there, stop him distracting me, messing with my head. Because he was getting to me. I was letting him get to me... I needed to push him away, forcefully push him away.
Then he touched me. He placed a hand on my heart and I felt paralyzed. It's such an intimate gesture. The gesture a lover would make. The word made my heart ache with longing. Isn't that what he is? Was? My lover? He touched me, and I forgot everything around me. I forgot about all the people in the next room. I forgot about all but him. Him I remembered. The way he touches me… Like I am precious to him. His touch can be so soft, so gentle, like he's afraid I will break if handled carelessly. It makes me feel important in a way I've never felt important to anyone else in my life. He makes me feel like to touch me is vital. As vital as it is for me to touch him.
And then he'll sweep me off my feet. I'll feel like I've been swept up by a hurricane, full of exciting, thrilling, exhilarating feelings. Just so… alive. As if I was asleep before, and only now am I awake.
What he does to me is indescribable. I didn't even know it was possible for a person to feel this way. It's a wonderful, amazing but oh so dangerous high. I can't get enough. I literally can't get enough.
Run… push him away… get out of here NOW, the little voice in my head screamed at me. But it felt so good… He raised his hand to touch my face… my lips. Suddenly, I remembered the room full of people, right outside this kitchen door. Forcefully, I shook myself out of it and shoved his hand away.
'I am marrying Amira. And don't you ever touch me again!'
~s~c~
The memory of our fight, our words, my words, sends shivers down my spine. My whole body shaking, I lower myself on my bed. I told him to never touch me again. Told him in no uncertain terms. But what if he ignores my words? What if he doesn't stop touching me, following me, staring at me?
And what if he does? I swallow. Tentatively, I measure my response. I let myself imagine him keeping his distance. Being polite. Smiling at me and Amira. Wishing us well. Suddenly, I can't breathe. I feel like I'm choking. Panicked, I get back to the mirror and stare myself in the face. You need to calm down, I tell myself. Breathe dammit! Thank god, it's working! As I feel the oxygen fill my longs, I also feel the tears streaming down my face. The sense of loss is immense. Devastated, I let myself fall back on my bed, pulling my knees up into my chest.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've been going back and forth on the whole engagement issue since I proposed. I shouldn't have done that. But I could never have rejected Christian without it. I needed to make a statement. And I needed there to be people around us. Between us. I've been on the brink of calling the whole thing off. I think I would have, if it weren't for Dad.
~s~c~
My father told me he was proud of me. He's never told me anything like that before in his life. Never. Not even as a child. I remember running home, bursting with pride, telling him how I learned to tie my own shoelaces, or the time I had read my very first book. He would always look at me with that kind, bland look in his eyes. He'd smile and say something like 'That's good son', before returning to his paper, his favourite television show or whatever else he was doing. It was never a big deal. Never something to be proud of. Just… normal. No less than was expected of me.
It took me forever to stop hoping for more. Stop hoping he'd be proud of me. Stop expecting to be at the centre of his attention, if only just once. I learned to be satisfied with not displeasing him. With a lack of reproach. Learned to value the times I didn't disappoint him.
After the family met with the Imam, I felt tortured. Was I being fair on Amira? Would I ever be able to maintain any sort of 'normal' relationship with her? Would I be able to resist Christian? Would I be able to deny myself being with the one person that made everything suddenly seem worthwhile? Meeting Christian, being with him, has given me so much. Even though I kept telling myself I was wrong for feeling the way I do, I couldn't help but notice that nothing has ever felt more right. My feelings for Christian, make anything I might feel for Amira look pale and insignificant. Will that ever be enough? How can it be?
And that was the moment in which he told me... My father told me he was proud of me. Not in a big announcement kind of way, but it was there. My father. Proud. Of me. It should have been a joyous occasion. If not for the fact that his pride in me was so terribly misplaced. If only he knew how badly… So I did the only thing I could do. I resolved to become the son he was proud of. Become the man he thought I was. The man he wanted me to be. And just like that, I was a little boy again, angling for my father's approval.
~s~c~
The tears that seemed to have stopped falling, now come back with a vengeance. I hate how I still ache for his approval. I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing an end to the stream of tears. I've had enough. Enough for tonight. I don't want to think anymore. I just want to lie here, in the dark, in silence. Just try and get some sleep and hope for things to look better in the morning. I sigh, and with a feeling of relieve, I let myself slip into nothingness.
~s~c~
This one was a bit of a strugle, but it turned out ok in the end. Please let me know what you think :-)