Be good, be good, be good... Funny I use to loathe those words when they came from my mother or nanny. Now it is my own personal mantra. I lost count how many times I have told it to myself in the last month. It starts as I get out of bed, and continues as I shower and dress and pull my collar high. As I step on the subway and make my way through the city. As I walk through the building all the way to my desk.
It would be to easy to say screw it all and hit a club or a back alley. The world would melt away in minutes. Hours would slip into days. Life would just move on around me. But the more I am away from that numbness the more I realize the damage I caused.
It's the damage and the memories that cause me to repeat the mantra. They hurt like a bitch and it would be so easy to make it go away.
"Be good" I whisper as I head into the Friday meeting. He is rarely here. Today he is.