A/N: So sorry this is posting late today. I've been running nonstop with RL errands and such.
The day after my blowout I called Dr. Brandon up to apologize.
She was really good about it and offered to see me that afternoon.
We talked a lot, about why I blew up the way I did, and discussed how I reacted to it by buying thousands of dollars' worth of stuff, she also explained why she pushed me to keep talking.
"It's like when we pushed through your discomfort to finish clearing out your foyer Edward," she told me. "You didn't really want to do it, but it needed to be done. You needed to learn how to handle feeling the emotions that you don't like dealing with. It's the same with talking about your past. It's uncomfortable for you and doesn't make you feel good, but you've pushed it away for so long, and you need to talk about it and deal with it so that you can move forward with your life. I'm not going to stop pushing you Edward, not when I feel like in the long run it is too your benefit. But…you need to not run away. I won't be upset if you yell or scream at me. But I can't help you if you just run away instead of working through it."
I nodded my head, thinking over what Dr. Brandon said, and she was right. I always avoided my past like it was the plague. I liked to believe that my life just started for me when I was thirteen and Mom and Dad took me in. Clearly that wasn't helping me though…just look at my house if you wanted proof. I needed to start dealing with this stuff.
"I uh..I promise to try harder," I replied. "I really do want to get better."
"That's good to hear Edward," Dr. Brandon replied with a soft smile. "Now, we talked about James yesterday. What do you say we talk about Victoria today?"
Taking a deep breath, I try to calm myself down a bit before finally starting to talk.
"Victoria tried to be a good mom. At least while James was around. She worked hard to try to make enough money so there would be food to eat, a place to live, and clothes for me to wear. She tried to do things with me when she got a day off. I can remember her pushing me on the swings at the park and her laughter when we used to color together. She changed though once James left. I think she had some idea that we were one big happy family. She blamed me…not that she ever said it to my face, but I overheard her one night talking to her friend."
My anxiety was getting the better of me as the conversation came floating back into the forefront of my mind, but I did my best to get it back under control before continuing to talk.
"She told her friends how if it wasn't for 'that stupid kid' that she and James would have still been together. Once he left, Victoria slowly stopped spending time with me. She would leave me home alone a lot and we never went to the park anymore. She worked all the time, but there never seemed to be enough money. I'd go to school with shoes with holes in them and dirty clothes because we couldn't afford to go to the laundromat. Food wasn't a regular occurance in our house either. Sometimes there would be three or four days a week where she couldn't give me food. Eventually, the landlord evicted us since we couldn't pay the rent, and we started staying in the garage of one of Victoria's friends. Some nights she would have guys come and visit, and those were nights she'd make me sleep in the car that was in the garage. I would still hear the sounds they made though, and I never understood what they were until I got older. We'd always have money for food and stuff after those guys came to visit. It wasn't long after that though that CPS took me away. Victoria never even put up a fight. The last thing I remember her saying was 'Good, he can be someone else's problem now…he's already fucked my life up enough as it is.'"
After I finished talking, I just sat there, crying and staring at the floor with my arms wrapped around myself as if I was trying to keep myself from falling apart. The truth of the matter is…I was. I really felt like I was ready to fall to pieces.
"Edward," Dr. Brandon called out gently. "Thank you for sharing all of that. Next time we meet one on one, we'll talk more about James and Victoria, and how they play into your hoarding behavior, okay?"
I nodded in response as I sniffled and began to calm down.
"Also," Dr. Brandon said, "I know you've stirred up a lot of negative emotions these past two days. What I want you to do is start to work on really opening up with the rest of your family. I know you like to buy to help deal with your feelings, but I want you to try to share what you're feeling with your family instead, even if it's just one member at a time. But I'd like you to start doing that when you begin to feel the need to buy things, okay?"
"Okay," I answered, my voice rough.
"Good, I'll see you in a few days when you, Bella, and I are all working together again."
I left Dr. Brandon's office after that, and made my way over to my parents house where we were having a family dinner. My emotions were all over the place, and I really just wanted to heat straight over to target and buy out the store. It took everything in me to just drive straight to Mom and Dad's.
As we ate, I couldn't shake the way I was feeling as I pushed my food around. Eventually it got to be too much, and I decided to try what Dr. Brandon suggested.
As Mom cleared the dishes away, I cleared my throat and finally brought up the one thing I never had really spoken to my family about before.
"Mom, Dad…I'd like to tell you guys and Emmett about when I was a little kid…"
A/N: Chapter 15 will post tomorrow.